When I started this project a couple of months ago, it was to help me come to terms with the death of my Mom and our relationship and also to help me take a look at my relationship with my own children. My greatest desire is to not repeat the mistakes that I feel my Mom made as she raised me. It seems that the range of this project is widening. I am now dealing with my Dad having cancer and the possibility that he may not be with us much longer, in addition I continue to struggle with how quickly he moved on to a new relationship.
In recent days I have found my heart softening to the new relationship in particular. I am not to the point where I would condone it, or even recommend it, (for example to my own husband) but in a way I am glad that there is someone there that can help take care of him now. He took care of my Mom for many years as she went through Alzheimer's and Cancer. I have not always agreed with the choices that he made with her, but she trusted him and most of all she married him, so it really was not my call.
Now, with Dad facing his own struggles its comforting to know he has someone there to look after him and what he needs. I still do not feel I will ever understand why he made the choices he made in regards to this new relationship, but it is best for me if I release this in order to be a better daughter to him and better sister to my siblings and a better wife and mother here at home. My husband and children need my whole heart and mind. I too, need my whole heart and mind. I find myself more in need of time with Mark and the girls, and less interested in the outside world and friends. I almost feel like I have put on a protective armour that seals out the things around me that are uncomfortable.
I know I am not who I was a year ago at this time. I was involved in many things in our school district, and I was constantly planning time with many of my friends. Now, I spend a lot of time thinking and trying to work through who I am and why I am. It all sounds very weighty and important, but I really think it is, over all, just part of the healing process. I know my plate is full, but I also know that it will not always be this way.
My Mom use to tell me "In five years it will all be different". While that is somewhat simplistic, I know that in five years, my youngest children will be out of high school and going to college, so I had best move past the bitterness and sadness and focus on the little sliver of time that I still have with them. If I have done nothing else in my life, I have found a wonderful life partner in Mark, and we have 3 wonderful girls each with their own incredibly fantastic personality. So in the weeks and months to come, while I am working on becoming a perfect mom, I will also be working on just being me. In the big picture, maybe just being me, will help me get through this whole being a Mom thing. I will let you know how it all works out!
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