My head and heart continue to be full. I have thoughts of my Dad (Stepfather)and family turning over and over in my head. Much of the news we have received lately has not been very good. We know that his cancer has spread from his lung and is now in his hip. The hard part is that despite the two biopsies, they have not been able to tell him what type of cancer it is yet. A new biopsy was done yesterday, along with them taking a bone chip from his hip. We should know more in about 48 hours.
I continue to have an internal struggle, one minute I am heading out to New Orleans and the next minute I am not. At least until yesterday, when I received an email from one of my sisters, reminding me that there is a very good chance that this will be his last Thanksgiving. Since everyone else is going down to New Orleans, she thinks I will regret it if I do not go as well. This hit me very hard. While I still struggle with some of his recent life choices, I believe that this is an opportunity to make peace with him and let it go. I know that there would be things during this family Thanksgiving, that might send me over the edge, but I think I would regret not taking this opportunity to spend time with my Dad and siblings.
I think I also have to remind myself that this man is my children's Papa. The girls will need a chance to see him as well. We have discussed as a family the recent choices he has made and the girls know that it has been difficult for me, but Mark and I have also reminded them that no matter what he is still their Papa.
All in all, if we can work it out, I think it would be best to go to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. First I think it will be an easier visit if everyone is there at the same time. Second, it diffuses my time with my Dad's girlfriend. I would not be left alone to sit with her and visit. I know at some point I have to let this go. If I continue to carry this hostility around, it will continue to eat its way into other parts of my life. I do not have to like what he has done, but for my own sake, I have to learn to live with it.
Today, I hope to talk with Mark about our options. I am not sure if we can pull this trip off or not. I do know that we need to make a decision one way or the other and move on. It is playing havoc with my brain. I feel a little schizophrenic, with "I'm going, I'm not going" constantly playing in my head. I hope that by making a decision and seeing it through I can move on. I know you are thinking that it is not possible, but I have to have faith. Without faith, I've got nothing!
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