Day 172 The Perfect Mom Project

My sister called yesterday. She was checking to see how I was coming on a web site project. She owns a company that handles all kinds of computer related things and she had asked me to help her out with this project since her regular web person could not do it. I had told her I would try to do it, but I would make no promises. Several years ago I starting working on web design, using a different design product then what she has. At that time I started out with lots of confidence and the desire to learn. As time went on my confidence waned and I lost interest in pursuing web design. I am not exactly sure why, but I just kept telling myself that I was no good at it and the main theme I played in my head was "Who are you trying to kid".

My sister said to me yesterday that she thought I was smart and that I should keep playing around with her designing product. She also said she has confidence in me and my ability. The hard part is that I don't. If I am going to be honest, I should say I really never have. It struck me yesterday when she said I was smart, because I have never felt that way about myself. I am always amazed at how well all my girls have done in school, because I always struggled to learn. I do not want to make excuses for myself, but odds are good that it had something to do with the 27 times I moved by the time I was 30. Most of the moving I did was early in my life. I went to three different elementary schools, and four different middle schools. High school was the only time I stayed in one school, but I was out in Salt Lake away from my family and living on my own. At that point school was not my only priority, surviving was also high on my list.

I appreciate the confidence that my sister has in me. I just wish I felt the same way about myself. I wish that when I struggled with something that I did not automatically think of myself as stupid. I also wish that I could give myself a break. I wonder if I stopped playing those thoughts in my head if things would be easier for me. Right away when I get stumped with something I shut down and start telling myself that it is because I am not that bright. What if I was smart and the struggling was normal, would I still think of myself as stupid? I do not know the answer to that. I just know that I am going to keep working on this project for my sister and hope that I can do what she needs done. If not, I hope that I can skip beating myself up this time. After all, I did try to do it.

The other thing is that if my girls were going through this I would be there cheering them on telling them that they can do it and I believe in them, and that is exactly what my sister said to me yesterday. It meant a lot to hear that, but again, I just wish I believed it.