A Sense of Panic

You know the feeling, your neck is tight and there is a knot at the back of it. You have this intense energy surging up through your body and it is stopping and knotting up in the center of your chest. Your hands are tight and the faster you move the clumsier you become. One last symptom…you go nowhere fast. The faster you try to go the more phone calls you get or the more Sunday drivers that cut in front of you. All you feel like doing is screaming, but at this point it would take way too much time and energy. That is how it feels around here as I try to get my kids ready to hit the road tomorrow. This is supposed to be fun, but the excitement part has not hit yet, first we have to finish homework, finish packing, finish buying what is needed for the trip and pray.

Pray for calm, pray for safety, pray they have fun and pray that God covers, holds and loves my children when they step away from me tomorrow. With them both going in different directions with different people it adds to the sense of stress. I am comfortable and confident in the people that will be with my children, I am just struggling with the maternal instinct of worry. I have a sense of panic that I will not send them off with everything they need, or that they have too much on their plates and need rest and love and, well…me! What if this rush, rush, hurry, hurry is just a really bad idea and I should be keeping them home and calm.

The truth is both the girls will have a fabulous time learning to be on their own. No Mom, no Dad, no sibling, just themselves and their judgment and resources to draw on. Of course they will have our money to help them too. Over all the sense of panic is temporary and will last only as long as it takes to get Avery off in the morning and Aly dropped off at our church in the evening, than it will be time for Mark and me to take some time to get to know each other again. That is worth rushing around getting the girls ready to go. I just hope this knot in my neck unties, it is very uncomfortable!

Sad News

I Apologize to my readers if I scared the bageebies out of you today, it was a technical error on my part. I was deleting something and did not realize that I had removed the whole blog! Lets consider this your early April fools joke!

Please see below for the news...

We have had some sad news in our family, and it has caused quite an upset…our family computer has died. My sister who has the gift of repairing technology has said it does not look good and there may be no hope of reviving our beloved computer. So now what?

I have been sharing my computer with my kids for them to do their homework, but I do not like them poking around too much.  I do not want them going anywhere that might cause me to have an issue with my computer. The upside is that they are not parked in front of the computer playing games and checking Facebook nonstop. Honestly, they are not too bad, but Avery likes to go to a website called Enchanted Hogwarts, and she spends hours on that site making graphics and writing stories. This week is a bad week for that since they are both leaving Friday for their spring break trips. Perhaps a dead computer is the best thing right now. It is hard to believe that the time is already here for them to start packing and preparing to leave. I am hoping to avoid the last minute frenzy of stressful running around. I would like us all prepared and packed so that we can calmly send each of them off, Avery in the morning and Aly later Friday evening, but I am braced for the tornado of activity that may come no matter how prepared we are.

Having the computer out of the way may just be a good thing right now, but when they arrive home we are going to have to have some sort of computer in place. This sharing thing is going to get old real fast! For now I will focus on the task at hand, getting my girls out the door without too much stress and anxiety. Cleansing breath in and toxic breath out five times, count to 10 and repeat until stress is reduced. Mantra: I love my children, I love my children, I love my children! I will focus on the sad business of our computer later after we move past this whole preparation thing.

I Can See the Light

There at the end of the tunnel is the light of my kitchen. There are just a few minor details and then I can relax. Well, as relaxed as you can be when you have two teenage girls on the move.

 I realized this morning that life has a way of getting you through the rough spots. Just when you think you cannot possibly take another step or live through one more moment of turmoil you get a second wind and you push through. I started thinking about when I gave birth to my girls and how the doctor would say "One more push" and there would be another beautiful daughter for me to hold. That's what life is like, just one more push or one more try or even one more breath and you have made it through the stress or trying times. Just hang on!

 At the end is waiting a success. For me now, it is a new kitchen. There are so many of these times that you have to believe that you can make it through anything. The sun is shining today and I intend to make the most of it. I cannot spend the whole day gazing at my kitchen. I can see the sunlight light reflecting off the counter and it makes me smile. Just one last push and we made it through.

Energy Source

Please someone plug me in, I am very low on energy. I need to be recharged and fast! This week the girls have to prepare for the trips out of town over Spring break on top of going to school. Right now I have no energy to offer and I am doing my best to pretend so that I can get some laundry and household stuff done. This was an amazing weekend. Watching my children perform and spending time with my oldest daughter Ashleigh and my son-in-law Scott was absolutely the best!

Besides seeing four of the six shows of Beauty and the Beast that Aly and Avery preformed in, I also talked with Ashleigh and shopped with Ashleigh. The best part was that Ashleigh helped me get my house and my mind back together. While Mark and I were at the show on Friday night, Ashleigh and Scott spent time putting some finishing touches on my kitchen and tiding up my house. It was wonderful coming home and feeling like everything was back on track.

On Saturday while Ashleigh and I did a little shopping, Scott and Mark cut up the tree that had fallen in our yard and then decided to cut down another tree that was leaning dangerously close to the house. Plus they demolished an old piano that had been sitting around our basement for way too long. Mark and I both felt like their help lifted a heavy weight off of our backs.

Yet here I sit this morning looking forward to next week when the girls are on break and Mark and I are too. Mark has taken a few days off next week and we hope to come up with something that gets us out of the house so that we can relax a little. We have to plug into our energy again, because we have more projects we need to accomplish around here, like painting our house and staining our deck. Plus there are tree limbs everywhere in our yard and a shed to paint…

We had better find my energy source fast!

A Full Heart

As I sat through my second show of Beauty and the Beast last night, I was overwhelmed by the beautiful gifts that God has given my girls. Watching them perform has filled my heart. There are no words to express how full my heart is, this brings back all the memories of when my oldest daughter Ashleigh was in high school and the shows that she did. Apparently, my girls have drawn the drama and music card for talent and they are making the best of it.

Someone said to me the other day "You must be so proud", I told Mark, I was uncomfortable being prideful of gifts and talents that I did not create. For whatever reason each of my children has been given various degrees of artistic talent and it is exciting to watch them grow and flourish within them. Having one daughter make her way to adulthood and be so graceful and confident lets me know that these talents will serve them all well throughout their lives.

The girls have been going none stop for three months and trying to keep them healthy and focused has not been easy, but after seeing the show, I know that it was all worth it, every single minute. My heart is like an open spring that has joy just pouring out of it. The fact that Ashleigh has been able to be here and share this joy with us has made everything even more wonderful!

I will be back to see the show tonight and tomorrow applauding long and loud. Tonight many of Ashleigh's friends are coming, traveling two hours to share in our happiness and we are so excited to share our home and town with them. We also have Ashleigh's dear Godmother and my sister and her family coming as well. We are all just full of joy, but not pride. Thankful, but not prideful, we have done nothing but nurture these beautiful young women that we were blessed with, some days it was easy and other days not so much, but always a blessing that fills my heart today and every day.

Opening Night

Last night was opening night of the girls show Beauty and the Beast at their high school. It was so exciting to see both of them on stage at the same time. I have Ashleigh here with me visiting for the weekend and we are talking so much that I cannot get to my writing this morning, so instead I will share with you a couple of photos from the show. 

Avery as a dancing plate..."Be our Guest"

Aly and The Beast..."Tale as old as time"

The God Box

At our church this weekend they were giving away God boxes. The boxes were given to families with young children, so we did not bring one home with us, but I liked the idea and thought I would share it today, here is how it works. When you have a prayer request or gratitude, you place it in the box. You also can place special items that you treasure or collect as memories. This box is a great way to teach your children to bring their lives to God. I really like the concept. When they first talked about it over the weekend, I thought it was a cute idea and then this morning I had a light bulb moment when I thought "DUH, they are teaching the kids to bring things to God!" The idea immediately went from cute to amazing.

Now I have decided that I would like a God box too. So many times in my every day coming and going I forget that I have a soft place to fall and carry the weight of my troubles myself. Perhaps having a physical place to carry the weight to would help me release it sooner rather than later. I tend to forget that my life is already in His hands and that sharing with Him my troubles helps Him to mold and shape me into the person I am meant to be. So, maybe I need to find myself a God box. Nothing fancy, just someplace that will help me remember "Your world is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" Psalm 119:105

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Tree Falls

If an ice covered tree falls in your backyard, do you hear it? Apparently not, this morning as I opened the door to take my dog outside, there was a tree lying on its side. I was not too surprised; Mark had mentioned last night that the tree looked iffy; I just expected more fanfare went it went down.

This downed tree ironically lies there as I read a quote from Stacy Morrison in Sunday's (it has been a busy week, and I am just getting to Sunday's paper) life section of the Detroit Free Press. She said "When a tree is being buffeted by the wind, the trees that survive are the ones that bend. The ones that are brittle and hard, they snap.

Ms. Morrison continues by adding "We're built to be resilient, but our culture falls in love with being powerful. There is weakness in resilience, but there is also the power to snap back". Morrison is sharing these comments as she talks about her book on divorce, "Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimists Journey Through the Hell of Divorce". That one comment hit me hard. I completely agree with her that your willingness to remain resilient helps you bend back, but I am not sure I agree that it shows a sign of weakness. I believe there is strength in letting go of the power.

The tree in our backyard was already fading, so when it gave in to the weight of the ice on its limbs and fell over, it was releasing its own power and handing it over to mother nature. I have always felt that no good comes from carrying the burden of anger. When I divorced my first husband and he abandoned his responsibilities to The Friend of the Court and his daughter Ashleigh. I picked myself up, found a better job and made a life for us. I did not rock back and forth hoping he would someday come through. I do not believe that I was weak. I gave the power of resentment and anger up and moved on. Letting a person, a drug, food or anything have more power over you then you have over yourself is a tough battle to fight, but people do it every day and win. I think the weakness is your lowest low and once you are there it give you the momentum to "snap back"

My poor tree has no snap left, it quietly bit the big one last night, but the rest of us have a shot at snapping back and using our resilience to move us into a better place. I get Stacy Morrison's point, and maybe I am taking her thoughts the wrong way, but it did get me thinking and isn't that what writers are supposed to do?

Parenting

How do you become a good parent? Is it automatic, is it a learned behavior? If you come from a less than ideal home growing up, is it a given that you will be a less than ideal parent? A couple of conversations this week have me feeling like I want to speak up for those who have grown up in a less than ideal situation. Let me start with this; don't let your past define you.

My parents had crazy ideas about what good parenting was. They were both physically abusive towards us all when we were young. When my younger sisters became teenagers my parents would hand them $20.00 every two weeks and at the ages of 14 and 15 they were told if they wanted a haircut or new clothes they would have to buy them from this money. They would also have to pay for any outings with friends out of this money. My parents were also there to remind my sisters that when they were 18 they were out. Pack your bags and hit the road, you are out! Not really the most supportive, safe place to fall philosophy. There was no tolerance for neediness or any room for loving. If you wanted to cuddle, you were best to hug the cat, because you were not going to get any tender loving care at home.

As my sister and I reminisced (for lack of a better term) about this the other day, I shared with my sister that my saving graces in raising my own girls was that my Granddaddy was so loving towards me. He read to me, walked with me and cared for me and made me feel wanted and loved until my Mom and I moved from my grandparents home when I was five years old. My main source of how to parent though came from my gut and from watching other parents. I cannot tell you how many times I would watch as parents shared the gift of love and support with their children and I would watch knowing I had fallen short with my oldest daughter Ashleigh. As Ashleigh went through high school, I would see other parents still encouraging their high school age children and supporting them and I would mimic what they did trying to be a better parent to my daughter.

What I am trying to say is this; you know in your gut what you needed as a child and you also know your child deserves to have their needs met as well. In addition to their needs, children want to know they are loved and valued and important. Isn't that what we all want? Is it so hard to offer our children what we as adults desire? To me life is tough enough without beating our children down right from the start. I did not learn this at home, but in my heart I know what is right. I do not want my children to ever doubt my love for them. I never want my children to wonder who to turn to for help. Mainly, I never want my children to wonder if they have what it takes to be a good parent. This may not be an easy job, but it is definitely one that lets you create your own job description, good and bad. So, make your own definition.

Worry Wart

I just stared at them, "What the heck are these things called? Why can't I remember?" I was in a bit of a panic. In my hand were two common items and I was not able to pull up the name of them from the depths of my brain. What really had me panicking was the fact that just two days before that, I walked out of the grocery store and did not recognize my own car.

I have a lot going on right now, my house is torn up, my kids are constantly on the move with the play, I am on the 5 year plan committee for the school district and I am trying to stay on top of my household responsibilities as well as Aunt Nina's needs. Add to that the fact that I am trying to prepare my house for Scott and Ashleigh's arrival this week to see the girl's play and visit with us and you have a therapist's dream patient.

I woke in the middle of the night worried and fearful. I do not want to be caught off guard that I have a problem and I do not want to convince myself I have a problem when I don't. Honestly if I am faced with Alzheimer's, it is out of my hands anyway. That does not stop me from my worry. If this is from being over booked, then I will be glad when this week is over.

The two items I had in my hand…screwdrivers. I stared at them and said out loud to myself, "Come on, you know what these are!", then it came to me. There was a real sense of relief once I figured it out, but I am still troubled that I had to figure it out at all. As for the car, I looked right at it and thought, "That looks like my car but it looks to new". I pulled out my key fob and hit the unlock button as I walked past the vehicle, and that is when I saw the license number and realized that it was my car as I unlocked it. Whatever is happening to me has me, has me in a tizzy. Is this something to be concerned about, or am I just a worry wart?

Hell Week

We are less than a week away from opening night of the production of Beauty and the Beast. It is the official start of what the kids in the show call "HELL week". Everyone is on edge, rushing around trying to tie up loose ends. They are also rehearsing almost every free moment they have and when they are done rehearsing, they come home to their families. That's when it's the parents turn to act.

Being the parent of a thespian requires patience. Thespians are a tough breed. While they are dedicated to their craft, they also have a love/hate relationship with it. There is the love of the performance and the time spent together as a cast in the trenches of rehearsals. There is also the hate of the endless practicing and waiting for your call onto the stage. There is also the sadness of the final performance when you know that you will not be together as a cast again. In the middle of this whirlwind of emotions, it is the parent's job to parent and support, that's where it gets tricky here at our house.

I have done this before, with my oldest Ashleigh having been in shows throughout her four years in high school, I kind of knew the drill already and when Aly joined the ranks of the family thespians two years ago, I sensed that we were trotting into the same territory. Now, Avery has also climbed aboard and is enjoying being a thespian as well. There has never been a lack of drama in our home, but when the plays are in full swing things really heat up. Now with two in the same show it's getting down right fiery around here.

One daughter is up when the other is down, one daughter is mad the other is not, one daughter is sick the other is healthy. I am riding a head spinning carousel of emotion and it is a good thing the play is only six days away, because I am about to snap. This morning I asked the girls to write some things that they would like me to pick up at the grocery store on a list and the response from Aly was a classic "Mom, I am busy!" Seriously, busy? So, does this mean that if I do not have anything in the house Aly wants to eat, she cannot complain? Of course not!

So, it's Hell week and things are heating up around here too. I have donned my protective gear and I am prepared to battle the thespian demons, I also have a shoulder to cry on and a car to transport my thespians where they need to be. As for feeding them, I guess I will have to wing it though, unless you think they can survive on Cheez-its, pretzels and cookies, since that is what Avery added to the grocery list this morning. I am just going to have to make my way through this week of hell, because I know in the end it is worth every minute when I see my girls perform. Nothing matters then, that's when my girls are my angels, my heart soars and memories of the past weeks just float away.

Did You Really Just Say That?

Typically I do my banking twice a month. We have an account at a credit union that I opened when I was younger. The credit union is about a half hour from my home so twice a month is plenty to make that trip. Mark and I did the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University a couple of years ago, and we have worked hard to be diligent with our money since then. Part of that process of Financial Peace University is not using credit and using cash for everything, so we find ourselves banking more often.

I made my way to our trusty Credit Union the other day hoping to get in and out. When I opened the door to the credit union building I saw one of the tellers that I have worked with many times before and he called me over. I began my transaction and was waiting for the teller to complete it when I decided to ask him "How long have I had an account here?" The teller looked at my account and said "You opened your account July of 1981". "Wow" I replied, "That's thirty years ago?!" "I can't believe it". That's when he said it, "Yeah, I wasn't even born yet!"

Really, did you really just say that? I thought to myself. Just a few minutes earlier, I had hopped out of my car feeling cute and fashionable as I walked into the credit union and soon I would be dragging myself back to the car to lick my wound. That scrawny teller could have gone all day without pointing out that he had not been born yet. Honestly, my oldest daughter had not been born yet either, so what? What does that have to do with anything? It felt like a cold glass of reality had just been tossed into my face.

Life is marching on and it is taking me along with it. I suppose in just a matter of years I will be saying things like "It's better than the alternative…" or like my Mom use to say "I'm not bad for an old broad". You know cute self deprecating quips that are funny yet make people uncomfortable? OK, not really, I would not do that, but it did make me realize that I had better start grabbing life by the handfuls. There is no time to waste. If the next thirty years go as fast as the last thirty, time is of the essence.

Today is St Patrick Day and I intend to celebrate. Why not? Don't get me wrong I am not going to be running from one pub to another, but I do plan to enjoy the day. With only thirty years or so ahead, I best get going if I plan to squeeze out every drop of life that I have left. One other thing, the next time I go to the credit union, I will probably avoid the "kid" teller. I prefer to work with someone that has more advanced experience, you know someone more like myself. This will bring me emotional peace. Consider it my own personal university for coming to terms with growing older without the help of some whipper snapper! Did I really just say that? Oh yes I did!

 

 

 

I’ll Bet Your So Excited!

Aren't you excited? I'll bet you are getting excited? These are questions people have asked as we have made our way through the kitchen remodel project. The truth is I am tense. I am not excited. I feel like I am braced and restrained. I am reigned in and holding my breath until this is all done and then I will be excited and happy.

The funny thing is I notice that I am that way about a lot of things. When my Mom died, I was stoic and restrained. Some might have seen it as uncaring, but I was determined to stay focused and calm until after her memorial and then I could let my guard down and morn in private or at least as private as I could be when I write out loud everyday about everything. Same thing when my Dad died. Sad and somewhat angry, yet I did not feel comfortable sharing that with others. I hugged my sisters, listened to their pain and tried hard to stay out of the way and let my sisters have their time to reflect and grieve. I have slowly and quietly reflected and forgiven without much fanfare.

Now we are dealing with the estate issues that are essentially a giant heap of frustration that my Dad created during his melt down before he died and I still stand cautiously calm. I refuse to be disappointed or excited about the direction this mess may take. There can be no turning back now and whatever the results it will be what it will be and my anxiety about it will do nothing to change its course. Mainly, I hope and pray that my Mom's wishes will be upheld and that the remains of her legacy will be shared as she wished them to be.

Perhaps this cautious attitude comes from waiting for the other shoe to drop when I was younger. I never knew what to expect from my Mom, and I was very use to disappointment. I like to think positively, but it is a cautious optimism that can sometimes come off as distant. So, in response to whether or not I am excited about my kitchen, I will answer no, I am expectant and restrained. I feel confident that my kitchen will be lovely, but I will not be "happy" until my house is back together and my life and my house are my own once again. That alone I am excited for, the rest will come in time.

Is it Spring Yet?

I heard birds chirping last night. Even with a chill in the air the birds are venturing out and making their way to our bird feeder. There is a light hearted lilt in their chirps, like they know that we are just a short time away from a breath of fresh spring air.

 Early Sunday morning we sprang forward one hour on our clocks. This tradition has a habit of zapping even the hardest of souls and making them tired and worn. This is one spring tradition that I believe should include the Monday after as a holiday. Once we spring forward our bodies go haywire trying to figure out what the heck is going on. We spend the entire day tired even though we had the usual amount of sleep. What's that about?

 While snow is not an issue for me I do find that I am becoming more anxious for some warm weather. I want to open some windows and feel a breeze. I am also starting to long for a few moments respite on my deck. I can feel it now, warm sun pouring down on me while I rock in my patio chair. Soon it will not be a day dream, the warm sun will be reality and I plan to bask in it. In the mean time, I continue to dress warm, but in layers just in case we have a sudden heat wave.

 I plan to take my cue from the birds. They seem happy and excited, and that is what I want to be too. Maybe just for a minute today I will open the window for a breath of fresh air and if it doesn't rain like the weather forecasters are calling for, I just might take a walk in the fresh air too. Perhaps this will get me chirping. I guess we are at the point in the year where we start to ask, is it spring yet?

Too Much Togetherness

Our family is beginning to crumble. After over four weeks of our home being torn up and us living in the basement, our wits are at their very end. The hope is that we are in the home stretch, the counter tops come on Wednesday and Mark painted the kitchen over the weekend, so it is just a matter of time until we can put things away and use the entire house to live in.

I was a good sport at first, actually we all were. There was an adventure about having the kitchen in the basement and spending all of our time here together, but the adventure is over and we are now in survival mode. We are desperately trying to stay calm and not come completely unglued when we have very little privacy or alone time. Our lives feel stressed and uncomfortable. I struggle with the feelings I have, because although I already knew how lucky we were, I cannot help the feeling that we are so fortunate compared to the lives that were torn apart in Japan on Friday during the earthquake and subsequent tsunami.
 Perhaps this is an opportunity to think bigger and learn. I am looking outside of my life and myself. Watching the quiet dignity of the Japanese people as they come to terms with what has happened and they begin the process of cleaning up and moving forward, I realize that the chaos that we have here is merely a blip on the screen. We are living in a temporary mess with the end in sight. The people of Japan are not so lucky.

 A few more days of togetherness can be tolerated, as well as a few more meals prepared in a small space and a few more moments of too many people in that same small space. When it is all said and done, we have our lives back to normal and we can move on. The odds are actually good that we will miss this little adventure we have been on. In the mean time though I will reflect on how fortunate we are to be together, and pray that the lives that were torn apart by Mother Nature's wrath will heal in the days, weeks and months to come.

Life is what Happens When You are Making Other Plans

 

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I was excited for the day I had in my mind. The day I envisioned involved a cake and some daisies and some quiet time of reflection about my Mom on her birthday. I climbed on my treadmill as my family started to stir and prepare for school and work; looking forward to my time alone once they all went their separate ways. My plan was foiled moments later when my husband came downstairs pointed his thumb down and said "No school today, we just got the call".

I will not get into the whys of our district calling a snow day, I have given up trying to understand that, but I will say this, I just did not get it, we have had way worse days than this and still had school. On top of the snow day which immediately took my quiet reflective day alone away, came the news of the destruction and tragedy of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Checkmate, game over! Any plans I had were toast and I was faced with making a new reality for my day. Watching the tremendous news coverage of the aftermath of the tragedy in Japan and trying to get my children to focus on their upcoming trips over their schools spring break became the order of the day.

In my mind I thought I was making lemonade out of lemons by suggesting that we head out to shop for the items that they are lacking in their clothing for spring and summer. I did have one caveat, for Avery (who is traveling with her good friend and her family to Florida) I wanted her to go through what she had and see what she really needed with the understanding that I would invest in one new swimsuit for her. Aly on the other hand is going on a mission trip with our church to Florida. The church has advised that the kids bring clothing that can get dirty. The church requested nothing too fancy that you have to worry about keeping nice. This trip is not about dressing to impress, it is about helping by working on homes and reaching out to the community in Orlando. I know what you are thinking, Orlando? But here is the thought. For Aly's first mission trip I did not feel comfortable sending her to Haiti, or India. I felt that many Americans need help and support too and this would give Aly a look outside of how we live. Hopefully giving her an appreciation for the life she has. Anyway, Aly has to bring a one piece swimsuit which sounds easy enough, but Aly's taste and the fashion industries idea of what one piece means, made it pretty tough.

Needless to say, I did not get the day I had hoped for. I verbally tussled with two teenage girls over fashion and appropriateness in clothing and eventually found my way out of the mall tomb. I did stop at a local vegetable and bakery store to choose something cake like in my Mom's honor, but the process seemed rushed. I looked at the daisies and thought to myself, why, and then walked away without them. From there I hurried home from shopping and chopped vegetables for the Shrimp Ettoffee that Mark was going to make for dinner and watched more news about Japan.

Yesterday was not what I had planned, but it was not what millions in Japan had planned either. Our lives twist and turn and rise and fall everyday and we must learn to move along with it. It is said best by an American who was in Japan during the earthquake, "You felt like you were riding a skateboard while on a rollercoaster." Yep, that's life, that is what happens when you are making other plans.

Tsunami

I woke up this morning planning to celebrate my Mom's birthday. March 11, 1937, Mary Elizabeth Frizzell was born; she would have been 74 today. While I still plan to celebrate with my family this evening, my mind and heart is focused on the 8.9 earthquake in Japan and the tsunami that followed. I am braced as I am watching CNN knowing that the tsunami is on its way to Hawaii and eventually the west coast of the United States.

This news has my attention. The pictures of the disaster in Japan are heartbreaking; there are toppled buildings and waves of water pounding Japan. I am now watching the clock as they tell us that the tsunami is only minutes away from Hawaii. While my focus today will be on this disaster, there will be memories that float through my mind of my Mom and my life with her.

 

 

 

Something’s Got to Give!

Yesterday I watched a show on PBS called The Gifts of Imperfection the speaker's name was Brene' Brown. One of the things she shared was that women get caught in a web of unattainable expectations. Her feeling is that women feel the need to handle everything and that we tend to take the hit in our families and do it all rather then look like we are not perfect and do not have it all together. Most women are apparently genetically predisposed to trying to be perfect, or at the very least wanting to be perfect.

 I shiver as I write this because I am one of those women. I am not happy if I cannot juggle all the balls in the air and stand on one leg while I am spinning. I like to think I have evolved passed this, but I know the truth is that I have not. Currently in my life, my kitchen is being remodeled (Yes, still), my daughter is still trying to heal from her surgery, (something that the doctor warned us would take time) while preparing for a lead role in the school play and taking every bloody hard class they offer at the school (hmm, sounds like someone I know). In order to help her heal, I must clean the wound on her tail bone and rebandage it twice a day. In addition, Mark and I are hosting a 6 week bible study in our home one night a week and I just started working on a 5 year strategic planning committee for our school district which is a four month commitment. Included in that, I am still a wife and mother with a house to care for and children that although they are in high school still need my love and attention. Oh, and let us not forget that I still have Aunt Nina on my list to do.

 As I sat in the parent meeting at the high school yesterday, the principal mentioned that he needed help with the teacher appreciation lunch at the high school. I am sure he could sense my weakness as I sat considering whether or not I could help out. He smiled at me and my girlfriend and blinked his pleading eyes and just for a moment I thought "I can do it, I am sure I can" and then I blurted out "No, I am sorry, I just can't I have too many commitments" again I added "sorry". Then as he zeroed in on my friend she shared that she could not help because her car would not be able to hold all the food that would be transported. That's when I jumped in with "Oh, My car could hold it, I could do that" DUH, HELLO did you not just tell him no you knucklehead? Of course, I am sure my friend appreciated me dragging her under the bus I had thrown myself in front of. To make matters worse after the meeting I realized I will be out of town the week of the lunch and I cannot help anyway. I now owe my friend a huge apology for dragging her into this mess when she had no interest in the first place.

 Apparently Brene' Brown is correct, because as I write this today I feel the webbing of my life clinging to me like Saran Wrap. Something has to give and sadly it looks like it will be me. I am going to have to put myself first somewhere, I just do not have a clue when or where this will happen. Let's just say that I am not sitting neatly in the middle of this web, I am literally dangling from a thread!

Who You Calling Old?



The morning of my fortieth...before the trouble!

 Eleven years ago for my fortieth birthday Mark and I and another couple who are good friends of ours went to New Orleans to stay with my parents and celebrate "the big day". We had a wonderful time and enjoyed ourselves immensely. On one of our outings during our visit late one evening, the four of us were walking back from the infamous Bourbon Street laughing and talking. As we were walking a group of what I will call young thugs started calling out to us and yelled something about old lady, or old people and I took offense. I immediately responded to them, yelling, "WHO YOU CALL'IN OLD!" The rest of my group immediately went on high alert warning me to pipe down, but I was ticked and I was not going to tolerate that kind of talk. Fortunately, between the wisdom of the rest of my group and the fact that the young thugs moved on, we made it back to our car safely.

 This incident still gets me ramped up, and here is why. I am 51 years old, I do not feel any different than I did 30 years ago, but society continues to limit how I think of myself by using the word old in reference to my life experience. The word old is tossed around by my friends that are 8 and 9 years younger than me in reference to themselves. They will call themselves old and there I stand thinking "Honey if you're old, what does that make me?" I feel like the word old is used in an inappropriate way when describing people with advanced life experience and training. If it was not for us forward thinking trendsetters a lot of these people would not be striving so hard to call themselves 'Old". Apparently, these 40 nothings want what we highly experienced people have and they think they can have it by joining the Old Club. Here is a news flash for them, if you are joining the Old Club, you missed the boat and you need to go home.

 For years, when you would ask my Mom how she was doing, she would reply "Not bad for an old broad". That response drove me nuts. Perhaps because of that I am even more committed to youthful living. Why lower my life bar, when I can raise it? I will say that, in spite of the fact that I woke up today to an inch long wiry hair growing from the side of my chin. It was a bit of an emotional set back. I spent a good three minutes wondering when that hair grew there and deciding if anyone I sat near at a meeting last night might have witnessed the chink in my life experience armor. I will never know and it is best that I just move on.

I firmly believe that old is an emotion. I am pretty much an expert on emotion since I am practically the engineer of the emotional rollercoaster, that being said I say to all of you who are in advanced life experience, enjoy, and to those who are younger and longing to be in our shoes, "WHO YOU CALL'IN OLD?"

Frustration

Well, the doctor concurred that Aly's recent illness is most probably due to her still fighting to heal from the Pilonidal cyst and surgery. Her immune system is just so low right now that her body cannot fend off anything. As a mother this is one of the most frustrating things I have ever been through. I have a friend whose small 5 year old son suffers from a chronic illness call mitochondrial disease. He is in and out of the hospital all of the time. She has expressed her frustration, distress and sadness to me many times and until recently, I did not have a full understanding of her feelings.

I just want Aly to be better now. She has been through enough and she has missed enough school. Aly was cast a couple months ago to play the lead in the school play and she has also signed up to go on a mission trip over spring break in April. All of this is in jeopardy because she cannot stay healthy. I have listened to my friend talk about her son and her hopes and dreams for him and I never understood the heart wrenching exasperation at not being able to make her son well, until now.

I stand by caring for Aly's wound from the surgery and caring for her health when it is failing. I take her back and forth to the doctor and support her as much as I can and all I ask in return is for her to be healthy. I am her Mom, that is what I am suppose to do, make her better, and yet that has not happened. Aly is frustrated and brave, she has days when she is down and wants it all to be over now and days like yesterday when she decided to go to practice even though she was not 100 % because people were counting on her.

Somehow in the middle of all of this I forgot one thing, I never handed any of this to God. I have held tight to my job as a Mom and my responsibility to Aly, and I forgot that her heavenly father has a plan for her. It is time to hand all of this to him and let his will be done. I am working so hard to make it all better and that is not my job. I can honestly say that other then at the hospital I have not let God handle any of this. I pretty much shoved him out of the way and took over. Maybe it is time to hand the healing and frustration back to God. I suspect that all of us (Aly, me and God) all want the same thing. Perhaps instead of us all working separately we should work together. As the old saying goes, "many hands make light work". I am ready for my load to be lighter and I am sure Aly is too.

I know my friend prays everyday that her son has a good day and she has shared that her son is an inspiration to her because of his attitude. There is a lesson in that as well. We might be Mom's, but we are still people and we can learn a lesson from anyone of any age. Today is the day I choose to turn all of this around I am handing the healing to God and changing my attitude about our health journey. I am not alone in this I was just not utilizing my team. I might be the Mom, but there is someone with a little more pull out there ready willing and able to help. Today, I am taking my hands off the wheel and letting the frustration go.

Not Again!!

This Morning as I write this my middle daughter is resting in her bed upstairs and I am suffering with a sore throat. Aly came home Friday evening from play practice with a fever of 102 degrees, and she has been miserable all weekend. On Saturday morning Mark took her to urgent care where they said that although they could not see anything specific the fever and her ear hurting were a concern, so they put her on an antibiotic. Her ears continue to hurt and she is still very much under the weather on this sunny Monday morning.

I have made another appointment for us to visit our family doctor today. I can no longer worry if he is considering a restraining order for me, since I am in his office once a week on average. We have to get Aly better. She has a play the end of this month and she has school on top of that. It feels like she has been making up school work so much she is practically home schooling herself.

I explained to the nurse when I called the doctor's office this morning that since I have a sore throat I would like to have it looked at just to be on the safe side. I do not want to find out that I have something else that I can pass onto Aly. Better safe than sorry! Aly being sick again is very worrisome and frustrating. Ever since she came down with this Pilonidal cyst issue her body has been retaliating. I hope and pray that today our doctor can help set this thing right! I am not sure that Aly and I can go through this again.

Choices

There is a friend of mine that has said for many years, "It's all about choices". This statement has fit many situations throughout the years. Many times I have used this statement on my children and even my husband Mark on occasion. It honestly fits most anything. "I should have done my homework instead of watching TV", "Yep, it's all about choices" I would reply. "I should have gotten gas before the big snow", you guessed it, "It's all about choices". Last night or rather this morning, I was saying "it's all about choices" to me.

Mark and I made plans to play cards with some friends of ours last night. We had not seen these friends in quite some time and we were looking forward to visiting with them. Generally when we get together, we bring snacks to share and our beverage of choice, last night my choice (it's all about choices) was a bottle of wine, a Pinot Noir to be exact. We began our game and laughed and talked our way through three games of Euchre. Throughout the game our host would pour a little wine into my glass and I would sip it, eventually sipping my way through the entire bottle. Here is where the choice part comes in, why did I drink that whole bottle?

This morning I stand before you sad and ashamed, and here is why. I do not remember going to bed, I do not remember Mark undressing me and putting me to bed. I remember none of it and it makes me embarrassed. I wish that I had not had that entire bottle of wine and I know I could have chosen to stop and I didn't. All I can say is that I was swept up in the moments of fun with friends and my hand kept reaching for the glass and raising it to my mouth. At no point did I choose to stop this exercise and today I pay the price.

Not only do I not feel very well physically, emotionally there is this cloud of humiliation and disappointment in myself. There are many things that I choose to do and not do on any given day but yesterday I dropped the ball about making a choice that a mature adult should make. I did not say to myself it is time to stop hoisting the glass and drink water. This is my confession.

It really was a bad choice and it has lasting ramifications that move past it just being a fun night with friends. I do not want to be that person (you know the one), the drunk. I am not normally that person and this lapse in judgment will remain as a constant reminder of a choice that went bad. Fortunately, my family has not looked at me and wagged their finger and said "it's all about choices" today, they must realize this was a huge learning moment for me. In this case the mom is heeding her own advice!

Ice Ice Baby

Call me oblivious. This morning as Aly was wrestling with all of her school books and her costume items for tonight's lock-in play practice I offered her and Avery a ride to school. Aly trying to take the school bus with all that stuff seemed like a very bad idea, so I put on my "I'm a good Mom" cape and prepared to drive my kids to school. Mind you we had not had the radio or TV on this morning, so what happened next came as a complete surprise.

I pulled my car out of the garage and gently maneuvered slowly around the dumpster (This has been a permanent fixture lately as we continue the kitchen renovation). As I backed up the driveway my headlights angled downward and that's when I saw it, the glistening slippery ice that was covering my entire driveway. I suddenly became alarmed at what I might be in for and at the same time I was wondering why the heck we had not heard from the school district canceling school.

I slowly drove all the dirt roads, snaking my way up to the high school. At one point Aly yelled out "There's a deer", so I slowed down just in time for the next deer to cross the road. As we drove on we saw deer number three waiting in the wings. This reminded me of the saying, "Where there is one deer there is more". I shared with the girls that this was a good driving tip that would potentially save them from a car/deer collision. Avery piped up to say "I saw the deer first, I just didn't say anything cause I thought you saw it" I replied, "Thanks Avery".

We continued our slow journey to the school (with the car in four wheel drive now) and our eyes peeled for anymore wildlife. This was not turning out to be the quick ride to school I had planned on at all. Next I got a call from Mark (my husband) telling me that the roads were pretty bad (no DUH!) and he was turning around and heading home. Even with that I slowly continued my drive. Coming up to the main road I was preparing to turn and my car kept going despite the fact my foot was requesting the car to STOP! Fortunately the light traffic (most people were not idiots out driving like I was) and a slow steady pumping of the antilock brakes saved us from a collision. From there I turned into the girl's high school and dropped them at the door of the school cautioning them "Be careful, I do not want you to fall on the ice!!" With a wave and a smile I was off.

Moments later my cell phone rang and it was my girlfriend asking me if I knew that the school had been delayed 2 hours, "Uh no I did not hear about that" I said wondering how the girls were going to like hanging around school for two hours. I was not turning around and going back for them now, the roads were pretty bad and I decided they were safer there at the school then riding back and forth in the car. I did hear from Aly later who told me that they were being herded to their first hour classes to sit until school officially started two hours later. Sounds like fun doesn't it? I later received a text from Aly that said "This is DUMB!" I am assuming from that her day was not starting out too well.

In all fairness to the school district, Mark did tell me that at 5:30 AM when he was coming home from his workout the roads were dry and ice free. Within an hour they turned treacherous and icy. I suspect that the freezing rain happened so fast they could not react in time to stop kooks like me from heading out with a car full of kids. It was quite the exciting morning, and I am hoping that is all the excitement for the day. You know I love my snow days, but this ice stuff is just not for me.

Strategic Plan

Our school district recently recruited teachers, parents and community members to participate in making a 5 year strategic plan for our schools. When a friend of mine mentioned that she was asked if she wanted to participate, I told her that I too would be interested in working on this plan. Our high school principal contacted me and BAM, I am now a member of this dynamic community group. On Tuesday morning I stopped by the high school and picked up my very large three ring binder of information that includes facts and figures from various educational articles. I am preparing to go to my first meeting next Tuesday night.

 Planning anything strategic sounds very scary and I cannot say whether or not I am the right person for the job, however I do know that I am very interested in how our district works. My other issue is that there will be a variety of voices in this group and I want to be sure that mine is heard. I feel there is focus on keeping our average kids engaged, but I have friends with children on the bright end and friends with children that are struggling and from the outside looking in it feels like there is not enough support for the outside edges of our educational system. Whether or not my perspective will be well received remains to be seen, however it is worth a try.

 For the next four months I will be working towards having my opinions heard, my hope is that somewhere in the middle of this strategic plan is room for my opinions and possibly an action plan as well. Our school district is not a failing district we score high on state tests, our dropout rate is low. Perhaps it is because we have a community full of people that are willing to take the time to make a plan for our kids. Having the community, teachers and parents working together on this plan is something new, and my hope is that it leads to a better sense of community for all involved.

 This binder is not going to read its self, so I will have to get at it soon. Hopefully in the weeks to come I will be able to share positive stories from the strategic plan front. There is a very eclectic group involved which will make for interesting and stimulating conversations. I am sure that I am not the only person that has opinions about our district. I am looking forward to Tuesday and to meeting and hearing what others think and feel.

Flashbacks

Recently an actor named Charlie Sheen has been in the news. Perhaps you are not a news person or someone that pays attention to celebrities, but this train wreck is hard to miss. Here is a clip from one recent interview. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5aSa4tmVNM

 What has been most difficult for me to watch is his demeanor. It has reminded me so much of the meeting that my sisters and I had with my Dad Thanksgiving weekend 2009(Day 97 The Perfect Mom Project). That was the meeting where my Dad talked about how he "deserved to be happy", and basically told all of my sisters and me that his happiness and his wants and needs trumped ours. His anger towards us and his rants that day were very much like what I have been watching Charlie Sheen do and it has brought some of the sadness back.

 Watching someone self destruct is very unpleasant, whether it is someone you love and care about or a celebrity that the media is cramming down your throat. There actually seems to be a rash of crazy self destructive behavior in the world right now. Muammar Gaddafi has also thrown his hat in the ring as a narcissistic attention seeking control freak. There is no way to know why the world seems to be going crazy, it is just very unpleasant to watch and in the case of Muammar Gaddafi it has cost many lives and there is certainly going to be many more lives lost in the days to come.

 All we can do is watch as these people run rough shod over everyone in their lives and pray that when the dust clears there is not too much destruction for the rest of us to deal with. As for my sisters and I we are still sorting through my Dad's destruction. It is amazing how much damage one person can do when they get it in their head that they are the supreme being and the rest of the world (including their children) are their minions. So as my family continues to sift through our debris, my heart goes out to the families that are trying to hold on to their own lives while these other two narcissistic lunatics spiral out of control.

Testing

Today at the high school my girls will be testing. Aly will be taking the ACT (American College Testing) and Avery will be taking a version of the ACT for 9^th graders called The Plan. I was pleasantly surprised this morning as they prepared for the day that they were both up beat and alert. They were talking to each other about how they take tests and what they do once they are done with a section of a test. There was a moment when they were talking about how they always finish a test quickly and then they are embarrassed that they are the first ones done, that I thought to myself, "Whose kids are these?"

I have never enjoyed taking tests and having my children positively giddy at the prospect, made me a little uncomfortable. At one point during the conversation I mentioned that I had never finished a test first. That's when Aly piped in with the comment "That's OK Mom, your pretty." "Gee thanks Aly, that wasn't condescending at all!" I replied. "You act like being pretty is a consolation prize." For the record, I have actually never considered myself pretty either. I did not tell her that since I did not want to belabor the point. Actually, I have always thought that I would be the woman in a novel that would be described as "a handsome woman". A handsome woman to me is someone that is not pretty, but not ugly either, she is sturdy looking and strong emotionally and physically. Anyway, I never was someone who would jump out of bed excited about taking a test.

The fact that the girls were not stressing or worried about the testing is a good thing. I made a point of not making a big deal out of the tests other than making them some scrambled eggs (which I never do), to give them some good protein in their systems and keeping things light and stress free. After today Avery will be done testing, but Aly will have two more days to go. I am confident that she will remain calm and focused since she seems very comfortable with the idea of testing. Over all it will be good to get this testing behind us.

I am hoping that my girls come home this afternoon as exuberant as when they left this morning. I like that they were happy go lucky and ready for a good day. Their attitudes made the morning great for all of us, even the "pretty" ones. Once this testing is over we just have to wait for the results. The ACT testing results for Aly will be sent to a few colleges that she has selected and then we wait to hear if they are interested in having Aly at their college. Soon I won't be asking "Whose kids are these?" I will be wondering, "Where did the time go?"