Parenting

How do you become a good parent? Is it automatic, is it a learned behavior? If you come from a less than ideal home growing up, is it a given that you will be a less than ideal parent? A couple of conversations this week have me feeling like I want to speak up for those who have grown up in a less than ideal situation. Let me start with this; don't let your past define you.

My parents had crazy ideas about what good parenting was. They were both physically abusive towards us all when we were young. When my younger sisters became teenagers my parents would hand them $20.00 every two weeks and at the ages of 14 and 15 they were told if they wanted a haircut or new clothes they would have to buy them from this money. They would also have to pay for any outings with friends out of this money. My parents were also there to remind my sisters that when they were 18 they were out. Pack your bags and hit the road, you are out! Not really the most supportive, safe place to fall philosophy. There was no tolerance for neediness or any room for loving. If you wanted to cuddle, you were best to hug the cat, because you were not going to get any tender loving care at home.

As my sister and I reminisced (for lack of a better term) about this the other day, I shared with my sister that my saving graces in raising my own girls was that my Granddaddy was so loving towards me. He read to me, walked with me and cared for me and made me feel wanted and loved until my Mom and I moved from my grandparents home when I was five years old. My main source of how to parent though came from my gut and from watching other parents. I cannot tell you how many times I would watch as parents shared the gift of love and support with their children and I would watch knowing I had fallen short with my oldest daughter Ashleigh. As Ashleigh went through high school, I would see other parents still encouraging their high school age children and supporting them and I would mimic what they did trying to be a better parent to my daughter.

What I am trying to say is this; you know in your gut what you needed as a child and you also know your child deserves to have their needs met as well. In addition to their needs, children want to know they are loved and valued and important. Isn't that what we all want? Is it so hard to offer our children what we as adults desire? To me life is tough enough without beating our children down right from the start. I did not learn this at home, but in my heart I know what is right. I do not want my children to ever doubt my love for them. I never want my children to wonder who to turn to for help. Mainly, I never want my children to wonder if they have what it takes to be a good parent. This may not be an easy job, but it is definitely one that lets you create your own job description, good and bad. So, make your own definition.