Sympathy

I recently had to share with my daughter Aly that sympathy is a tricky thing. Some people become addicted to the attention you receive when something is wrong and then they seek that attention high. While people feel badly for you when you are not well, they quickly move on from there. Constantly dragging them back to your woes can begin to grow old and you lose your audience.

 I mentioned this to her because I had to learn that lesson the hard way. I watched as friends became disillusioned and annoyed with me when I was younger and I did not want that to happen to her. I also know that as I got older and would share stories about being a single mom or perhaps even my childhood that some people just plain did not care. Most people have their own story. Each of us has had hard times that have built us into the people we are, and to assume that our wounds, both physical and emotional are more important than someone else's is setting you up for a very lonely existence.

 Perhaps, I have shared the story of my Ah Ha moment as a single mother. I was sharing with Ashleigh's new Girl Scout leader how I would not be able to help with the troop much, because I worked full time and I was also a single Mom. I shared how full my plate was, busy busy busy, blah blah blah and received what I recall as dead silence on the other end of the phone. It was very uncomfortable. I actually think I heard the Scout Leader as she was thinking "Big whoop!" It turned out that not only did this mother of two lead Girl scouts, she also lead her son's Scout troop and she worked full time. This was in addition to her being a wife and mother. That was the moment I realized that my story is important to me, but it is not the only story there is.

I know that Aly is uncomfortable and still feels some pain from her surgery, but if she leans so hard on her misery there may come a moment when people just do not care anymore. She might be faced with people turning away and saying "Whatever". I do not want to be her enabler by feeding into her and setting her up for a life time of attention seeking. I would prefer to teach her that who she is will be her best attention getter. The pretty girl with the great smile, laugh and beautiful singing voice in addition to her intelligence has more to offer then the girl with the sore butt. It was a tough love moment that may fling me into the Bad Mom of the Year category, but it is worth it if I can redirect her path just a little. Sympathy is an impulse of compassion that has its place, but it is not the only place. Being who you are and living a full and productive life is a much better way of building a life with friends who enjoy a well rounded relationship with you, a relationship that includes a give and take of love, encouragement, sympathy and understanding. This type of relationship will with stand the test of time and will grow stronger. The attention seeking person will be left adrift constantly seeking someone new to appreciate their list of woes real and imagined. That just seems like a lot of work for little reward to me.