"So Ragen, how are you, what have you been up to?" This is the question that was asked of me at a wedding over the weekend. Once again, this question (what I am up to) is causing quite a stir in my heart. I was able to reply with a vague response of "Not much", but it left me feeling unimportant and disappointed in myself. It feels a little like I might not have a life. The truth is I do have a life, but it is just not the kind (of life) you would want to talk about in glowing terms to people you do not see very often.
My week always involves driving and picking up my children from school, practices and other after school activities. There is also my once a week visit to see my Aunt, and also any shopping or banking that she might need done. I have my grocery shopping and meal preparation, laundry and house cleaning as well as caring for my dog Roxanne and my Grand dog, Louis. There is always my writing that I do daily (except for Sunday) that helps keep me centered, but as for being up to something, I've got nothing.
Why do I feel so busy, like there is no way to squeeze another thing into my life, when I can describe what I do in a week with only one breath? Why do I feel like I am not fulfilling myself, yet nothing sounds even the slightest bit fulfilling? I have this sense that there is more out there for me, but I just do not know what it is. I am eager to fill this deep emptiness I am feeling, but I am not sure where to begin. Realistically, I really cannot work, with my Aunt and my girls, my time is split between doing the bidding of others and I am not sure how I would wrap a job into that. There would begin a bidding war that would ultimately take its toll on me.
With this being the beginning of a new year, I think it is a good time to whip out the Dream Board and start thinking about the "someday I'm going to" things again. There is this opening in my heart that wants to be filled and maybe by looking at my dreams, I can get a closer look at myself and what might fill me up to the point of feeling like a viable member of society. Mainly, I do not want the questions about "What I am up to" or "What are you doing now?" to be cause for me to beat myself up. Maybe just the fact that I am willing to look at myself and draw a path to fulfillment is a sign that there is someone in here that has a little bit of glowing left to do. It is also possible that there is much more life left in this lady that is just waiting to get out. Hmmm, now I just need to find out what the heck it is that I should be doing. Perhaps tomorrow we can discuss the fear factor…
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