How do I begin to describe my day yesterday? It was full of frustration, sadness and random moments where a good scream would have helped a lot. We sat in my Aunts kitchen as she had us (her aide Anna, Mark and me) scrambling looking for a picture of my Uncle Ted and the death certificates for my Uncle and her daughter Dana. She made me write down the dates on a piece of paper so she could have them with her. The thing is, she cannot see, so what I was writing would not matter anyway. There is no reasoning with her, so I just do not try, however when she started talking about bringing an old knitting basket full of yarn back to her room at the senior community, I put my foot down. A. YOU CAN'T SEE and B. YOU DON'T KNIT!! We are not going to pile loads of stuff in your room at the senior community, I have my hands full with the heaps and piles right here in your house!! I did not say any of this to her other than we did not need to bring the yarn with us. She did not fight me, so I did not have to do the big bully niece smack down or what I like to call the BBNSD.
My sadness came from watching her in her home and knowing that she would never be back there to live. I also am sad that she wants so badly to control her life and she thinks she is, but Mark and I are in the background keeping her life going. Part of me wants her to think that she is in control, and the other part of me just wants to clean out her house and move on. I also feel like an insensitive monster, because that is her home, her entire life is in there, she still has all of my uncles clothes and he died in 2002, plus probably every gift bag that she ever received randomly strewn from closet to closet. Somewhere in all of this is a lesson that I need to learn, and I am not clever enough to get it yet.
One thing I have learned is that I need to know when to let go. There may be a time in my life when I will have to let my children or husband make decisions for me and I will just have to trust them. I might even have some random relative taking care of me, you just never know. In any case there will come a time in my life when being the driver of my own car will no longer be possible, and I will have to hand over the keys to someone else. This is when you realize that life is not about anything other than living the best life that you can. Being open handed and loving and showing others that they are appreciated. I am grateful to have this lesson now, so when the time comes I can check the expectations at the car door. Then I will climb in and say "Thanks for the ride of my life, I appreciate it! "Now let's put the pedal to the metal!" That part only because odds are very good that I will still have the need to run the show just a little bit.
As I look back over the day yesterday, I realize that my Aunt will not change. As frustrating as that is, it is the truth. She has lived 93 years as who she is and she not about to change, or become retrospective. The fact is that I have the honor of helping make the remaining time she has pleasant and comfortable. She will be well cared for and she will also be safe. She does not have to change for me, or appreciate me. She has lost most of her family and if I can fill in for them I will. Frustrations and screaming aside, she is family…my family and I love her, and deep down inside even on the worst days, I know she loves her BBN (Big Bully Niece) too.
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