Twofer Tuesday

I started to write yesterday and then I stopped. I was steaming along typing away and then my brain just had nothing left to give. My little brain engine just couldn't go any farther. That means that today you get two blogs, my finished Advisable blog below and this one, lucky you (I say smirking).

Today I am waiting for Mark to arrive home after a trip to Atlanta. He has been offered a new job and now we need to decide if it will work for us. We do not have to move, he would work from home and travel to Atlanta once a month. The working from home is something many are doing now and Mark is very good about staying on task and getting his work done. I however am not sure how I feel about sharing my space.

That’s right I am selfish and like to have my house to myself. I am sure you are thinking I am a terrible person for being more concerned with my issues than the overall big picture of Mark having a new job that would make him happy. Honestly I am not more concerned for myself, but when he called last night to say he was considering taking the job I found myself making a mental list of how that would change my life.

Here is my list:

Someone would be here keeping tabs on me during the day!

That’s my list. No longer would I be accountable to just myself each day, I would be explaining every move to my husband. Things like why I am leaving or where I am going. Perhaps I would have to explain why I am not doing something around the house and heading out with a friend. As I reread this I am struck by the fact that overall my concern is that my husband working from home will cramp my style…SHAME ON ME!

Seriously, if this job is something he wants and it will make him happy, then I am all for it. We will figure this all out if and when we have to. I believe change is a good thing and it is not always easy. When Mark gets home I will listen to his concerns and talk with him about mine. I am certain that between the two of us we can make anything work. In the end it is all about compromise. I wonder how he would feel about being locked in the basement from 8:00AM until 5:00PM. OH SETTLE DOWN, I’m just kidding!

Unadvisable

As a Mom, I find myself spending most of my time doling out advice that most times is not wanted and pretty much ignored. Some days it is simple advice like “You are going to be hot in that” or “You are going to be cold in that”. Other times I will completely invest in my advice and share some insightful information that I know will change one of my children’s lives, “Are you sure you want to do that? Perhaps ________(fill in the blank) would be a better idea?

As my children have gotten older they are less likely to listen and more likely to take a chance on their own. Watching these children “chance it” is the toughest thing I have ever done. I admit out loud, I am not good at letting go. I have been admonished by my 29 year old many times for parking my advice in her adult lot. To her admonishment I have said this, “Tough cookies! I am your Mom and I will always be your Mom! My worry and concern for your well being NEVER ends, so just get use to it."

Realistically, I know that they will not always listen and many times they are fine on their own, but once in a great while one of my girls will come slinking back to me and say “You were right”. I know how hard that is to admit to your Mom, because I had to do it a time or two, but it does not stop me from gloating and nodding with a big stupid grin on my face. I figure it’s the least they can do to put up with that, considering I was right and all and they ignored me.

One thing my children know, (mainly because I have told them) is that all my advice and opinions come from a place of love and concern. I do not throw random advice out to wreck havoc in their lives, I am sincerely trying to help them navigate through life’s maze. In the end, we all learn best from our mistakes. You know the ones, where life grabs you by the neck and rubs your nose in your stupidness. There is no better teacher really. Even a Mom with the best of intentions cannot teach a lesson like life can. Don’t get me wrong, I will not be throwing in the towel; I am still going to over mother and care too much. My children have come to expect it and a little advice is a small pill to swallow for the gift of life, don’t you agree?

Early Riser

I have been up for two hours; it is now 5:30 AM. I have no idea why I am awake or why I awoke at 3:30 AM, quite honestly this has not happened in quite some time so I am racking my brain trying to figure it out. There is a full moon, perhaps that’s it or perhaps it’s the anxiety of being in the final stages of settling my Mom’s estate and all of the last minute issues that are coming up.

The main issue is that one of my siblings has it in her mind that she does not like the plan my Mom had set forth in her last Will and Trust and she wants to opt out and do her own thing. It is a long story but I will shorten it as best I can. First please know that my other sister (we are co-executors) and I have been dealing with estate issues for the last three years, since my Dad died in 2010. Our Dad made some very rash decisions towards the end of his life and these decisions have had long reaching and sometimes stressful ramifications. The first most difficult choice was that my Dad split off from the family trust and left his half to his new wife, the one he married three months before he died of Cancer and seven months after my Mom died. My opinion (not that it matters) was that he was in no shape to make any of those decisions, but he did and well…here we are knee deep in a family splitting mess. I now have a sister that is feeling like she has been struggling with her life and family long enough and rather than keep the last threads of family contact (which she finds painful) she would like to call the shots on how this whole giant mess plays out at the end so that she can move on and cut all her ties.

Honestly, I understand her point. I also realize that to her, she is the only one that has pain and the only one that has suffered through the difficult times we have all endured. Where my sticking points come is this;

First: I am not thrilled with the timing. Right as we are narrowing in on this whole fiasco being completed, another in a long list of roadblocks pops up. I would expect nothing else since honestly this has been the way things have gone from the start. It is just that it is hard not to get resentful of someone making requests in the finals moments especially when they benefit them and no one else.

Second: I get it, she is unhappy with her siblings. We have never been a close knit all forgiving all loving no matter what family. We have all worked through the weird whacked out life with our parents in our own way, some of us with years and years of therapy (Me), others of us on our own, battling the demons of a difficult childhood. Wanting to take the leash off and be free makes everything seem much easier and for a time it probably will be. The sad part and the hard part is the disappointment and sadness will be there until it is dealt with and disconnecting will only prolong the unhappy feelings not make them better.

Third: My sisters and I each have our own suitcase full of crazy. I found myself getting aggravated as I spoke to my sister as she made her special request. My sister kept pointing to HER pain and HER investment of time with our family’s issues. I do concede that her situation lent itself to her being the one to carry a lion’s share of burden at -some very difficult times. Circumstances what they were, that’s how it worked out and my sisters and I have each had our own life burdens to deal with at different times. Pain is not self limiting and it is not exclusive, pain comes along whether we want it or not, so having someone brow beat you about their suffering without considering yours is hard to take.

In the end, we all just want this dragged out mess to come to an amicable end. Money always stinks up the joint, and makes happy endings seem near impossible so this time is no different but my other sister and co-executor and I have come this far and battled through some tough terrain, so we will just have to hang in there. This too shall pass. I am just sad that in the end all this time and energy that was expended to benefit our family did not help heal and I am also sad that the thought of just being grateful for this gift that was left is not the first thought for some.

Now that I think about it, this is definitely why I woke from a sound sleep at 3:00 AM this morning, what else could it be?

The Procrastinators

There are few things that drive me crazier than procrastinators. Perhaps that is why I live with two. My husband is a procrastinator and his habit of putting things off has trickled down to our youngest child. The hardest part for me when it comes to watching their procrastinating is restraining myself from coming completely unglued.

I have spent a good portion of the last twenty two years, reminding, hinting and “encouraging” my husband to move forward in job searching, household projects and contacting friends and family for birthdays, anniversaries and the like. My blood pressure goes up every time I think about it.

Imagine my delight to be raising a procrastinator. I find myself cajoling, nagging, reminding and suggesting hoping to motivate my junior procrastinator, only to end up annoyed, aggravated, disappointed and hostile because my daughter is perfectly content putting things off and than playing fire engine to get back up to speed.

I realize after twenty two years with King Procrastinator that changing this issue is near impossible. I think the best I can hope for is some minor tweaking and then I need to let her procrastinating chips fall where they may. The stress and anxiety of watching these two in action is more than I can take and most days I run the risk of falling into the procrastination habit merely because trying to keep these two a float is overwhelming.

I don’t know about you but when I realize something in my life is not what I want it to be, I work on changing it. These two knuckle heads spend so much time avoiding things that they never have time to change anything. It is like watching a dead plant not grow, a big waste of time. I am going to throw some of my energy into trying to save my youngest from this lifetime of stress…ok that would be my stress, not hers.  My youngest is perfectly happy putting things off. I however am constantly watching from afar and wondering how two good people can live happily in slow motion.

I am trying very hard to release my need to support these two in what I consider to be a very bad habit, however I have to live with them and if I do not let this go, I could end up running from my home screaming. Yes, it is that frustrating! I have always said “You are always where you are supposed to be” there is no random selection in how life plays out. I guess that means that either they are meant to learn from me, OR, OH NO, I cannot even think about the other possibility.

Fairness

I know that at this point in my life it is ridiculous to get upset about anything not being fair. I have more often than not been on the opposite side of fair and watched uncomfortably as fairness took a hike. I remember my Mom’s mantra that “Life’s not fair!” yet I still continue to have hope. In my mind that person smiling because although they do not deserve it fate has offered up a slice of fair suddenly realizes the mistake and says “Wait there has been a mistake!”Let’s face it that just does not happen.

 Currently I am watching as my youngest daughter battles the Not Fair Monster. While I am busy stomping around annoyed by the unfairness of it all, she is calm and decidedly not interesting in getting all worked up about something she cannot control. While I am proud of her adult like composure on the one hand, on the other hand I am aggravated. I want her to be mad and stick up for herself and her cause.

In this case, I am the one that will have to learn the lesson. Fairness is and always will be a moving target and no amount of discontent, hostility or foul language can change unfair into fair. I believe that my daughter with her calmness is modeling a better choice, but I still cannot help but get feisty when our conversation veers in the direction of the current unfair foe. To make matters worse rather than my daughter feeling vindicated by my angry fervor, she becomes angry with me…I am the combatant rather than the vindicator.

I would not be the Mom I want to be if I did not regard the unfairness as a slight to my daughter but somewhere she has learned grace under fire and I have to believe that in the end that is the wisest choice. While I am plotting and scheming how to make this right for her, my youngest has moved on and admonished me to “Let it go Mom!”

I am trying to balance between my own Mom’s mantra that “Life’s not fair” and Avery’s “Let it go Mom” which is no easy task. While my feeling that life is and never has been about fair but more about what is right and just, there is the wild cat Mom side of me that does not want to see my daughter unhappy. In the end regardless of what my feelings are she will have to find her way through this and I will have to keep my big overprotective mouth shut. I have said what I needed to say to her and I have taught her all I can. It is time now for me to stand beside her and honor her wishes by letting it go.

Sunny Monday

Monday…today’s high points are that the sun is out and it will be somewhat warmer today than what it has been. Heat and sun always seem to contribute to a more positive and up lifted spirit, at least for me. Although the temperature right now is in the upper thirties the weather forecast is calling for upper fifties or lower sixties later today, and I am thrilled. I am ready to whip out my spring clothes and shed the heavy coat. Having been under the weather for the last couple of weeks, I am looking forward to getting back to the daily grind and having a day or two of warm sunny weather would be a bonus.

This week my daughter Aly is taking her finals at college. This signals the end of her first year in college and the time has gone much faster than I had expected. In addition to an official tour of Aly’s college campus with my youngest on Friday, I also loaded up my car with several large containers of clothes and various dorm items and brought them home. This way she can just pack her car with what little is left and head home after her last final on Thursday. Life is just moving along and I am dashing alongside as best I can.

I am at the tail end of whatever the crud was that took a hold of my system and laid me out for the last two weeks. I still have a bit of a cough and the need for tissues here and there, but over all I am on the mend and pretty darn happy about it. What would make me heal even faster would be that warm air and sunshine I noted earlier. We may be on the right path, the birds are certainly enjoying the morning, and so, I am going to think positive, put on something springy and make an attempt at grocery shopping and errands, tasks that have been avoided for the last couple weeks because I had no energy for anything except coughing and blowing my nose (too much information, I know!). There might even be a chance that I will start to write about more interesting things as the week goes on…we can only hope.

Cotton Head

Dear Reader, Let me start today by apologizing for my lack luster blogging performance lately. Having spent almost two weeks fighting off an illness that has rendered me useless I am using any energy I have trying to keep my home fires burning. Yesterday was no exception. This coming Friday my youngest and are loading up our car with her two best friends (twins) and their Mom and heading for a college tour. In order for me to feel like we are traveling as safely as possible I decided to take my car in yesterday for an oil change and tire rotation.

This oil change and tire rotation are not that big of a deal, but I like to stay on them to keep my car (which I love) running as top notch as possible. I also like going to our local dealership for this process, because they keep a record of the work I have had done to the car and they have a clean waiting room with coffee and TV. I also decided that I would skip my writing and head out the door at the crack of dawn since there is usually a line and I did not want to wait that long. I am still tired and my head feels like it is stuffed with cotton, it is just best if I limit my time out in the real world as much as possible. When I am a cotton head, the odds of me saying and doing crazy stuff jumps from my normal level to off the charts. My whole family knows I cannot be trusted out alone in this condition.

After I handed my car over to the nice man at the counter where I checked my car in, I made my way to the waiting room. I was very proud of myself for getting out early and accomplishing this task and I sipped my complimentary coffee and smiled smugly as I thought about all the people that were probably waiting while I was happily relaxing in the car dealership waiting room…poor saps! As I sipped my coffee I realized that what goes in must come out and my urge to answer Mother Nature’s call came. I stood, gathered up my belongings and head held high (still feeling super proud of myself) walked towards the restrooms shoved open the door and walked in like a queen claiming her throne. It took me a minute, but I began to realize that this bright and cheery restroom seemed a little off. My cotton stuffed head was working to process everything as I turned around gathering my wits about me and saw…a urinal! I WAS IN THE MEN’S ROOM!!

I was so confused, I had not even looked for a sign, I just walked up and shoved open a door and walked in. Who does that? Most people look at the signs right? Not me, I am out in the world acting like I have the world by the tail when I most definitely do not! I will tell you good fortune was on my side and there were no gentlemen sharing the area with me. That would only have added insult to injury. I should also share that I was pleasantly surprised at how nice it was in there. The room was clean and bright with flowers and no odor. Not at all the cesspool I had imagined most men’s rooms to be. As you may have gathered, I was in there a good amount of time. Again, my brain is not working at top notch speed.

Tomorrow I am off bright and early with what I hope will be a clearer head. I am looking forward to starting the college search process all over again. Our first tour just happens to be at my other daughter’s college so I will be taking her boxes so that she can start packing up to come home next week from her first year away at school. Where does the time go? I am going to work on getting myself together and getting the cotton out of my brain today so that this trip will go on with no incidents. Oh brother, who am I trying to kid!

Turning Darkness to Light

Yesterday, my worry was about not feeling well and trying to get back to my old self. I made wise cracks and plans to think positive; I also decided that I would share positive thoughts here in this blog. Hours after my announcement, someone set off bombs in Boston during the 117^th year of The Boston Marathon killing 3 people so far (one of whom was a sweet 8 year old boy) and wounding at least 144. In the midst of this news, I found myself spiraling into a feeling of despair and disbelief. While I wanted to be positive and keep a clear mind, outside darkness was closing in on me and evil and fear were beginning to take charge of my thoughts.

I had decided to not speak of the events to my youngest daughter when she arrived home from school yesterday. I did not want her world to be changed, at least not until I was able to come to terms with it myself. There is no way to easily explain to adults why people hurt others let alone to a young person with their whole bright life ahead of them. I did not consider that our in touch and connected world shares information more quickly now than ever, so when my daughter came to me and said “Have you heard what happened in Boston?”, I was at a loss for words. All I could say was “This is a sad day”.

I do not want to be frightened away from living my life as I always have and I certainly do not want my children to be afraid. My girls have too much life to live to hand it over to fear and give up. The easy way to handle this would be to let whoever did this win, just stop living, stop sharing life’s moments and focus on the horror of it. However, this morning a voice from the past was on my radio, an old tape of Mr. Rodgers sharing how to help children deal with tragedy was played and this is what Mr. Rodgers said

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mothers’ words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Hearing Mr. Rodgers insight set me straight. His positive and clear cut advice reminds us to look for the positive. Look for the people that are doing good or better yet perhaps we could reach out and do good. Our choices are to let the darkness destroy our way of life and hide away, or turn and help and keep looking at the light of goodness in people.

While being positive is more difficult today, it is possible. We have so many stories of people doing good in the face of this disaster and so many stories of the out pouring of love, concern and help that will forever out shine the moments of darkness and destruction. Today my thoughts and prayers go out to all of the families that were touched by this evil. I pray that they have the love and strength of others to lean on and that God has his mighty arms wrapped around them. 

Let Us Try This Again

I am fully aware that my performance as a blogger has been less than stellar lately. I am sure you are not looking for an excuse but I feel compelled to share with you that my bright and sunny post last Wednesday (about getting back at it the next day) was a pipe dream. I am still battling whatever it was/is that has taken over my body and it is not pretty. Honestly I think I had more than one thing at one time. I have been down and out for days. The three days previous to yesterday I had a low grade fever that kept me achy, chilled and cranky, so today…Monday, makes it one week of not feeling well.

When this whole thing started I was not feeling great, but I had a positive feeling. As the week progressed I felt worse and my attitude plummeted until it was obvious that I could easily stand beside a fire with a cauldron and a broom and NO one would question what I was. By Thursday morning I could not even think clearly let alone write anything. The next three days were spent with me laying on my side on the couch and only lifting my head so that I could take my temperature. Honestly, the next time I long to be ill so that I can opt out for the day…nope do not even worry about it, it is never gonna happen because this has been HORRIBLE!

Now I am sure reading about my being sick and crabby will not be the highlight of your day, so I have something else to share with you. Yesterday as I was doing my new pastime of sitting, coughing and blowing my nose, I came across a post on Facebook that recommended thinking something positive first thing in the morning. It was said that the thought will set the tone for the day.

Because I like a challenge I am going to give this idea a try. Honestly, I generally do not climb out of bed thinking negative thoughts, but the idea of aiming for positive intrigues me and I would like to give it a try. Because I am such a great person and I love to share I think I may even share some of my positive thoughts with you. What have we got to lose? We can step into our days with a chip on our shoulder or we can leap up with the help of a little mental sunshine…hmmm it is not that tough of a decision really, is it? So let us give this a try again, I will get back to writing and together we are going to work on being more positive. Today it will be easy since the sun is out and at least in my slice of the world the weatherman is saying the temperature could go up to seventy degrees.

Ahhhhh, sunshine now that is my idea of positive! 

Sick Days

If you were to stop by today, you would find me just as I have been since Monday. Wearing pajamas, hair askew and lying about in a lump. What seemed like no big deal at the beginning of the week, has now settled into a ritual of coughing, listlessness, reading, sleeping and occasionally a few rounds of euchre on my IPad. I am pleasantly surprised that I have not coughed up a lung.

There have been many times during an exceptionally busy week that I have wished I could just opt out and not feeling well always seems to be my day dream. In my day dream I am dozing while my family dotes on me and my day’s agenda is wiped clean by understanding people. I tend to have this day dream and then reprimand myself for thinking like that, because the reality of not feeling well is nothing like the day dream.

This week has been especially difficult since Mark has been sick as well and he is preoccupied with nursing himself. While he shows his concern, he has just enough energy to work from home and cough. I have romanticized these sick days so often that now I am disappointed to find that while everyone here is sorry I am not well, they are not interested in dancing about singing “Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down” like Mary Poppins would. My being entertained is no one’s priority but my own.

I intend to make a go of tomorrow. Sick days seem way better in my day dreams and lately I have had a good amount of down time. I am certain that my day dreams will be of better things after this. Sunny and warm days, pleasant afternoon walks and even working in my yard all sound better than the rut I am in. So I suggest you consider this…first don’t stop by, it’s not pretty over here and second guard your good health it beats the alternative, trust me on this.

Purr

I have two cats (Emeril and Oliver) that live with me in addition to my dog Roxanne. You may have noticed that the cats live with me, but the dog is mine. That is because you never really own a cat. Cats are happily in charge of themselves and they are the first to remind you they need no one…except for when they want to eat. In my opinion, one of the best things about cats is their purr.

Cats can turn on their purr any time they want to show how happy they are. Cats are not reserved about their purr they will gladly share it with anyone who will listen (or cuddle). The purr for me is like a pat on the back for a job well done in feeding our cats and cleaning their litter box. Nothing beats a content cat purring on your lap letting you know how special you are to them.

I often wonder if we as people would benefit from being able to purr. For some sharing our heart or even letting on how happy we are is difficult to put into words. Perhaps if we had the option to just purr quietly we could let on how happy we are. I wonder how the world would change if we all shared a contented purr with one another from time to time.

I know this thought might sound silly and simple, but if you own a cat you know what I am talking about. When my cats purr it spreads a warmth and comfort to me. I find I want to pet my cats and love them more just to hear their quiet rumbling joy pour out. If only we could share our love and appreciation as easily. I may have to take note of the hapless purr and work to find a way to share my love as easily. Learning to Share your love is always something to work towards. 

Hope Springs

I love this time of year, I love stepping outside to the surprise of warm air or peeking in my garden and seeing a bunch of brilliant purple flowers pushing up my mulch. This time of year the birds sing even on the coolest cloudiest day. All these things are reminders that spring has sprung. No more harsh winter weather or heavy coats, just bright colors, singing birds and a new season to make our way through. I am not kidding myself, I have seen the weather report for the week and it looks like lots of rain ahead but all the little signs that spring has arrived bring hope with them.

That little slice of hope can make or break a day or week or month. Just knowing that there is hope ahead turns your heart from worry to possibility. This afternoon my husband and I went coughing and tired to the doctor. I have had enough of feeling badly, but when Mark became sick I apparently thought he should not go through it alone so there I was sharing the little room with him so that we could be checked out be the doctor and later waiting patiently for our prescriptions at the pharmacy. When we arrived home I decided to take our little dog Roxanne out for a short walk before I put on my pajamas and put me feet up. As Roxanne and I walked along the road, through the clouds burst the sun and its warm rays hit my back. It was like a cozy hug from heaven and another reminder of the hope that spring brings.

At this moment I am sitting side by side with the love of my life as he reads a book. Both of our feet propped on the ottoman being warmed by a fire in the fireplace. I can think of no better place to be. I am thankful for this time together quietly doing what we each want to do, but together. Outside the sun still shines and the birds still sing and hope continues to spring. It’s a good day!