I am not doing well today. I feel crabby and I just want to be alone. This started yesterday and it became worse as the day went on. This morning I am at the "I just want to be alone" point. The hard part is this is not a "be alone" kind of day. I have things to do here at home, Avery will be coming home from her camping trip and I am suppose to go out with friends later tonight, this is a real bad time to have an attitude.
I am not sure what set it off. Maybe it was my 16 year old with an attitude yesterday, or maybe it is just me. I also know I have to see my Aunt Nina tomorrow which could be part of it, but I doubt it, it is a weekly occurrence and I just get it over with and move on each week. Somewhere along the line yesterday I snapped and I am now fighting off this feeling of wanting to crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. Honestly, this is less like crabby and more like depressed, but about what?
Mark thinks that I am upset, because my project is coming to an end. I am sad that this project is ending, but I do not think it would drive me into a depression. I am ready to move out of this project and work on another one. I am racking my brain trying to think of ideas for myself. I cannot imagine being depressed by a new opportunity whatever it might be. I also do not think it has anything to do with my middle child's teenattitude; I am pretty use to these breakout sessions by now.
I am just feeling down. It is not the first time something like this has reared its ugly head for me. The truth is I have battled depression on and off my whole life. I know that depression also ran in my family, my Granddaddy had it; my Mom had it, and who knows who else fought it. It comes out of nowhere, sometimes at the worst times and you are not prepared to fight back. You comb your brain looking for all the positives in your life so that you can use them as a life raft. You scramble looking for ways to bring yourself out of it, but that can backfire and make you feel worse. You find yourself jealous of the happy people, just as you would be if you were single and everyone around you was not. It is a desperately lonely ailment with no real cure.
I have tried prescription medicines, but did not like the floating outside myself feelings they brought, or the side effects. I did find a great herbal supplement that works, but I happen to be out of it right now, so maybe I will be going out for that today. There is little I can do except wait it out and hope that this bout of depression is short lived. I am glad that instead of pretending I am crabby or tired, I can just put my cards on the table and say "I'm depressed". It's not pretty but it's the truth and if I recall correctly, the truth is suppose to set you free. So, I will step into my day with the truth in front of me and make my way as best I can until I get out of this…
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