I have had enough! I have a bully and I need to stick up for myself. I hear I'm ugly and fat, a bad mom, I do not grocery shop enough, I do not clean my house enough, I should spend more time with my kids. I also hear that I am not a good friend, that I interrupt people when they talk and that if I was a good friend I would ________ (fill in the blank with any number of complaints). Add to the list that I forget stuff sometimes too. I am feeling beaten down and sad.
The worst part is that I am my own bully. I sometimes beat myself up so badly that I do not even want to be around other people. I feel like everyone knows all these things about me, and they just do not tell me. I question why people want to be my friend and sometimes I feel like my old friends do not want to tell me they are over me, because they are too kind and thoughtful, another personal downfall I think I have, I am not that kind or thoughtful. Yesterday, I made myself cry. I had done a small load of laundry and when I opened the dryer to put the load in there, there were already clothes in the dryer. The part that upset me…I had completely forgotten that I had laundry in there. I wondered where the clothes had gone, but it never occurred to me that I would have washed and dried them. That's when I got mad at myself and said some really mean things to myself about being "stupid" and "forgetful" which these days makes me upset and alarmed.
Honestly, I know I am not a heavy person; my shape has changed as I have aged, but I am not heavy. I just FEEL heavy. As far as looks, I have told my girlfriends that I consider myself a handsome woman. I am not pretty, but I am not downright ugly either. If I lived on the prairie, I would be a Schoolmarm. I would probably have married a farmer late in life. See what I mean, I cannot even write something nice, I just cannot give myself a break. My house is clean, just not as clean as I use to have it and I really am just not that interested in grocery shopping these days. None of my family wants to write anything on the grocery list to even give me a hint of what sounds good to them, so I troll up and down the store aisles trying to get out of my rut and make cooking fun again. As for being a friend, all I can say is this is it; it's all I've got. I try hard, but sometimes I just fall way short of the friendship finish line.
Before I do anything for anyone else though, I need to do some work on me. I need to find my way back to the person I was a couple of years ago before my life imploded and people started dying. I want Ragen back. I miss her confidence and her drive. I miss her energy. I want to look in the mirror and instead of saying, "That's as good as it is going to get!" I will say "Yeah, looking good!" So today the gauntlet is thrown down and the work begins. I am taking on my bully. It will be a tough fight, but I am up for it. It is easy to fight when you believe in the cause. I cannot say that I am 100% on board yet, but I am getting there it is time…my time.
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