Deserving Happiness

After my Mom died in 2009 my Dad took up with the woman that had been her caregiver, actually he took up with the caregiver before she died which is a whole other painful story. Our family was torn apart by his irrational choices and his pain over losing my Mom turned into anger towards me and my sisters. Within months he had turned away from his family, upset that we were not honoring his desire to be “happy”. He would constantly ask all of us “Don’t I deserve to be happy?” This question of deserving is a very fair question, but happiness really was not ours to give, it is ours to find.

I now believe that his anxiety and frustration during his search for happiness was caused by a lack of understanding of what happiness really is. Happiness is not something that I or anyone else can hand you. Happiness does not come from new belongings or new jobs and it is not something you deserve, happiness is a way of life, a belief that life is good and that our gift of living is a blessing. Happiness will never be something that is bestowed on you by another it will always be your gift to yourself.

There are way too many days in my life that I have let pass feeling unhappy and disappointed and pointing blame at others or circumstances. Watching my Dad fight for a happiness he felt so strongly he deserved and him never actually finding it has helped me realize how transient happiness can be when you are waiting for it to be given to you. I now know that happiness is many times the smallest moment unseen by many. An unexpected kindness or comment or a smile from a stranger can suddenly remind your brain to smile and be happy. Happiness can be a family dinner or a celebration and sometimes happiness is sitting in your favorite chair with a good book and plenty of time to read it. Basically happiness is in the eye of the beholder, it is different for each of us.

Sadly my Dad died a few short months after asking us if he deserved to be happy. While we all told him we believed he did deserve to be happy, he never did find his true happiness. I always wonder if he was just trying too hard, maybe his happiness was actually sitting around the table with him listening to him hysterically claim his right to happiness when his biggest joys and accomplishments were staring back at him blinking back tears of sadness. I agreed with him that day that he should be happy, but his or anyone’s happiness should not come at the cost of another’s happiness. I also think if you are open and aware, happiness will find you and meet you right where you are.