Every day of my life is a new lesson. Some days they are lessons that I have had before, yesterday was one of those days. As I made my way half way across my state to meet my sisters for lunch I thought long and hard about what direction I want my life to go. I must have some sort of mental block about this topic, because my mind mainly wandered. I found myself thinking "OK, dreams…hhhhmmmn…I need a new blanket for my bed…hmn…I need to get involved in something…hhmmnn…wow, tomorrow is going to be busy too" Not exactly the most enlightening two hours of my life, that is for sure.
After arriving at the restaurant and settling in, we started chatting and the subject of my new blog came up. I was explaining to my sisters my feelings that I have given up myself to raise my kids and I want to find me or reinvent myself and I am using this year to work on doing that. I have always considered both of my sisters' successful women. One started her own computer company and works hard every day to balance work and raise a family. My other sister reacted when I commented on the fact that I had not been to college (I know, I am suppose to move on, but it was part of my explanation about the blog…honest!). She felt the same feelings that I had since she had never gone to college either. I told her I was shocked that she felt that way, since I know she is a certified Financial Planner and works alongside her husband who has worked in the Stock industry for many years. I have always thought of her as having it all together, so when she related to what I was saying; it threw me for a loop!
Here I was looking at her thinking she has it all together…confidence, with an interesting job and a beautiful home and family, and she feels less then? Oh boy, this year may be tougher then I thought! I also need to stop assuming that everyone but me has it all together. There is something about woman that makes most of us put aside who we are so that we can help everyone but ourselves make it through with confidence and self esteem. My biggest curiosity now is; what happens to my daughters? If I am filling them with what I have, where does all of that confidence building and self esteem go when they become adult woman? Does all of that just dribble out as they get older? Or, do us as women just end up on this hamster wheel of perpetual self denial that ultimately claims our self esteem and confidence.
My greatest accomplishment would be to discover the cure for this horrible affliction that is claiming the lives of woman everywhere, but the cure must start at home! I must move out of the "why" is this happening phase and realize that I am not alone. That the hamster wheel is full of women just like me in search of more and wanting to make a difference in this world and they just do not know how to start or maybe they just do not have enough energy left to make it happen. I have my work cut out for me. I relearned yesterday that even what looks like success from the outside, can be distress on the inside. This is not a path I walk alone and honestly, I am grateful I was reminded of that.
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