Taking a Chance

I write a lot. I write most days, as you probably know if you read this blog regularly. My writing has been first and foremost for me, to think through my life and work through my troubles and worries. Writing is my therapy.

 Recently, our church asked for the members that were "gifted" writers to send in writing on a particular subject. If we were interested we were to contact them and they would fill us in on what the subject was and what they were looking for. I went back and forth about whether to take the chance or not. My writing has always been so personal. While I like writing and I also like a challenge, it felt a little too close to home. While writing in this blog out there for all to see is not very private; I have the illusion that this is somewhat anonymous and I feel safe here. If I wrote something for the church, they could easily not like it and I open myself up to doubts about me, and doubts about my writing.

 That is the hard part about taking a chance, we never know if it is a sure thing, thus the word "Chance". There is a part of me that was excited about putting my writing out there for a new audience, but the bigger part of me was afraid. I talk a good game here in my little blog world, but my reality is, I do not always believe in myself. Actually if I am going to be honest I rarely believe in myself. I could get all physiological on you, but why continue to blame the past, I am a big girl and I need to just step up and take responsibility for who I am.

 In the end it all comes down to; is this all I want in my life or do I want more? Do I want to stretch a little and limber up my life, or do I want to stay safe in this cramped little safe place I have created. Taking a chance means stretching the confidence muscles. Taking a chance also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, allowing yourself to think "What have I got to lose?" None of this is easy, but the old saying is "Life is not easy". If I am going to live this life then I think I should go all in with it, stop sitting in this box and waiting for the easy train.

 The hardest part about taking this chance is that I might be told my writing is not good enough or that the piece I wrote is not what they are looking for. I do not handle rejection well. I turn rejection over and over in my mind and by the time I am done not only is my writing rejected, but I am too. I am "not good enough" period end of story. That is a daunting mountain to climb, the "I am not good enough" mountain. It is very high and getting over it is not an easy task.

 This brings us back to taking a chance, taking a chance that wanting more and going after it might not be easy, it might hurt or be hard. Taking a chance might stretch me or fling me out of my safe place where being anonymous is my armor, my protection. What fun is that? Perhaps my writing is not the only therapy I need maybe taking a chance is just what the doctor ordered!