Day 271 The Perfect Mom Project

The Civil War is over, it ended yesterday at 2:45 PM. I had volunteered to help chaperone the reenactment of the Civil War that the 8^th grade history classes were having at Avery's middle school, and I ended up standing in the blazing sun for three straight hours. I decided to help out at the last minute, thinking that this would be one of my last chances to help out; once she steps through the doors of the high school my hands on volunteering will be limited. Supervising middle school kids is just not my gift. I learned that during my two year stint as a substitute lunch mother. Something about being around swarms of kids with raging hormones makes me very uncomfortable, yet I wanted to be there for Avery.

 So there I stood in the sun on one of the hottest days so far this year. At some point during my three hours one of the other parent volunteers pointed out to me that other parents were coming in bringing large slushy drinks to some of the kids. One parent had gone out and picked up eight of them brought them back and then went out and bought twenty more. I could not help but wonder how a person decides that it is OK to provide these drinks to some of the kids when there were at least 200 more kids that were not going to have one of these drinks. First of all, these were parents that I like and respect and the fact that they were running out buying these things with no consideration for the other kids bugged me, what were they thinking? There was no way I was going to run out and buy slushies for Avery and the other soldiers in her tent. First of all I had volunteered to help supervise not make drink runs second of all I have a problem with bringing things into a group of kids if I do not have enough for everyone.

 Moments like that remind me how differently everyone thinks and especially how differently we all parent. I guess it also made me feel like the unfun, uncool mom, because I was not going to do a slushie run for my daughter. The thought also crossed my mind that there were now hormonally challenged students ramped up on a very large amount of sugar! Mainly, I spent a good amount of time (in the hot sun) wondering if I was ever going to make it to perfect Mom status if I had to always worry if I was doing the right thing or not. When will it be OK to just be the Mom that I am? I did end up taking Avery and Aly out for ice cream after school that was my shot at making up for the no slushie thing.

 One thing I did figure out yesterday was that I will always see parents that have to go over and above for their kids all the time. While I want all my girls to be successful and happy, I do believe that I have to leave a majority of the responsibility for that to them. Someday, mom is not going to be around to help them with the bumps in life's road and if I am always standing there with a slushie or a wad of cash to fix their life, how will they know how to make it over the bump? Overall, my gift to my children will be my hand to help them balance and my love as my support. The rest is up to them.

Day 270 The Perfect Mom Project

Well my day today opened right up yesterday when I received a call from my Aunt Nina's aide/companion Anna. Anna called to tell me that there was no need for us to meet at my Aunt's house to remove the papers and put them out of sight, because my Aunt had sent her friend over to the neighbors to get a key. This friend has already been in the house preparing for her card party. Now I am just throwing up my hands in the air in frustration and anger at this 92 year old woman that is clearly not thinking straight. Mark and I are now wondering what to do. We cannot help her maintain her life if she is going to completely disregard us and our concerns. I think at this point we have an unruly elderly teenager on our hands!

I am not sure how to even begin to handle this. I cannot ground her or take away any of her privileges like I would for my girls. I also do not feel right walking away from this responsibility and throwing her to the wolves, so here I stand in the middle of all of this trying to figure out what the heck to do to rein in this woman. On top of that, I am still in a state of anxiety over all of the nonsense that has happened in the last year with my dysfunctional family. I am actually lucky that I do not have an ulcer. I am going to make a few calls today to my Aunt's neighbors and also to her attorney. Something has to be done, and I have to figure out what.

Mean while my actual children are keeping me focused by being who they are. Avery's room is so messy; she actually met me at the door of her room last night and warned me not to come in because it would upset me. She also assured me that she is going to have it all in order by Saturday, since there is a sleepover invite hanging out there and she cannot go if her room is a mess. Aly did her part by singing a beautiful solo at her choir concert last night. She sang as if no one else was in the room except her and me. Her confidence and poise made me proud. I guess my prayers to get back to my real life are being answered in full force. With the love and support of my family and friends, I will keep moving in the direction of perfect mothering, who knew that my project would include a 92 year old woman. As the saying goes though, "Life is what happens when you are making other plans."

Day 269 The Perfect Mom Project

It is new day, the sun is shining the birds are singing and I am trying to pull myself out of this slump. I am smack in the middle of the week that my Mom died and Dads memorial service. My Mom died May 22^nd and Dads service was last Saturday. Welcome to Wednesday. This whole year was one unbelievable tale after another. I just want this story to end. I had planned on spending May 22^nd remembering my Mom and possibly doing something with her ashes, but now I am thinking I will wait. I am not sure I can take that on this week.

 

My phone rang yesterday, and it was my sister Kelie, as we talked it was clear we are thinking very differently about many things including the items that remain in the house (in New Orleans) that belonged to my family before my Mom married my Dad. I will not go into the whole conversation, because it is very sad to think about let alone talk about. I do have to chuckle a little to myself at the fact that many times my Mom tried to give me some of those things, and I told her that there was plenty of time for that, thinking that I wanted her to have all of her things around her that she could since she lost so much in Hurricane Katrina.

 

Now, I just have to release my expectation about how any of this will play out, because there are so many different people and personalities in the mix that it is certain to get ugly, and I do not want to be a part of any of that. Mark has suggested to me that I just put all of this to rest and move on. That is exactly what I was trying to do 269 days ago when I started this project. If I do not get moving back to where I was, I will have to start a new project when this one ends. Something like the How Not to Go Insane Project, or the My Families Nuts and I Don't Want to Be Project. For now, I will put my nose to the grindstone and get myself out of this giant whole of sadness and self pity.

 

As I visited with my Aunt Nina the other day she snapped at me for using the words "My Dad". "I do not like it when you call him Dad, he was not your Dad!" my Aunt said to me. Honestly, I, to this day know that he only adopted me so that the dividing of the will would be fair and square for all of us, (his three girls and me). The sad part is after all of his stupid decisions last fall; I do not believe he even knew what fair was. Mark is right, I have to let this go and just get back to my real life.

 That should be easy today. Avery is snarling at me because I asked her to help me out this morning and take out the dog, HELLO reality! I am also meeting some good friends for breakfast and my travel buddies have plans to meet this afternoon for coffee, a full day of friendship that will end with dinner with Mark's parents and Aly's final vocal concert of the year. I think I am jumping into reality with both feet today, Bring it on!

Day 268 The Perfect Mom Project

Well this week continues the Aunt Nina saga. Apparently the card party that my Aunts ex-son-in-law and his girlfriend are having is still on at my Aunts home. The idea of this is just unbelievable to me, who does stuff like that? How do you have a party at someone else's home first of all, but especially when they are not living there for health reasons? These people amaze me. I have to assume that my cousin had divorced him for a reason, perhaps because he had no common sense. Now I am left to get the house in order so that they are not pawing through my Aunt's stuff.

 I do not care that he is an ex-son-in-law; the key word for me is ex! I do not care that this girlfriend has befriended my Aunt and visits her several days a week for several hours; the issue is that they have just stepped over what I consider a boundary that is in place. I honestly have a very bad feeling about the whole thing. Now my Aunt's Aide/Companion Anna and I are going to have to play puppeteers and clean out all of the papers she has laying around so that they do not fall into the wrong hands. I am very uncomfortable with this whole thing and my Aunt is acting like it is no big deal. "Why am I so upset, Nancy (the girlfriend) is very nice and she is a devoted friend?" My Aunt says to me. She has no idea what happens behind the scenes of her life. Now, not only am I mothering my own children, I am also mothering my Aunt.

 

I will move the papers, but that is all we will do. I am not doing cleaning or tidying up of any kind. I am also going to make her neighbors aware of this fiasco, so they can keep an eye on the house throughout the evening and finally Mark and I will have to go back there on Sunday to make sure everything is in order. Why my Aunt does not understand that we are responsible for her actions now is beyond me. She really does not seem to understand that we are the ones responsible for helping her life run in a positive and safe direction, and apparently this "friend" and ex-son-in-law of hers are not getting that or if they do, just don't care.

 

It is hard enough parenting teenagers, let alone a 92 year old woman. This is just ridiculous. The worst part is my Aunt is far more strong willed and difficult than my own children are. Worse yet, she can be so mean that I sometimes regress to my childhood and she scares me. Yet Mark and I continue to do all we do in the name of family. We could never live with ourselves if something happened to her, so we will continue to hold the strings of her life raft and keep her afloat. TOOT TOOT; ALL A SHORE THAT ARE GOING A SHORE!

 

Day 267 The Perfect Mom Project

Avery stood in front of me as I talked to a friend on the phone yesterday. She was wearing the skirt that Aly gave her for her birthday, and she wanted to know what I thought. I was waving her off, because I was trying to finish my conversation on the phone, but she had apparently regressed to preschool mentality, because she was not getting the fact that I was on the phone and I was not interested in having the discussion right then and there. So, finally after she continued to flit about me I said, "it's (the skirt) too short and it needs to go back to the store." With that comment we were off and running through another teenitude.

 We went back and forth verbally playing tug of war and I was beginning to lose my patience. Avery accused me of not wanting her to be cute and fashionable, and I continued to explain that the skirt was too short and that she could take it back and exchange it for a skirt that had a little more fabric and still be just as fashionable. I think that she was desperate to wear the skirt when she attended the movies later in the day with a friend, and I was cramping her new emerging style. Taking it back was not an option if she was going to wear it today, so obviously, I was the worst Mom in the world.
It seems like Avery and I are in that teenitude flow again. This morning as I drove her to school, I explained that if she forgot to bring anything to school today for a big history project , I would not be able to bring it to her "when" she called, because I am going to visit my Aunt Nina today. Avery then replied "When? Thanks, Mom for having faith in me, you are already assuming that I will not be prepared." We then began a verbal ping pong game as I explained that the word "when" meant, when she called, not when she called because she forgot something. She was misinterpreting my use of the word and then beating me over the head with it. All this as I drove her and all of her project supplies to school and helped her carry them in.

 I am now stuck stewing about the whole stupid thing. I am certain that some of the tension in the air is due to the stress of the last couple of weeks, but most of it is due to the emerging teen who wants Mom to butt out. All I can tell you is it is not possible for me to butt out. I have always tried to give my kids as much room as I can to grow up. Sometimes they could use a little more than I offer, but other times I know I give too much room. Somehow it will all level out. In the mean time I am in no mood to arm wrestle, play verbal ping pong or even fight about my rules and my decisions with hormonal teenagers. You got to go to the movies, you were not naked and you looked cute, I also drove you to school helped you haul in your project items and kissed you and wished you a good day. I would say that as a Mom, I have done alright and you have survived another teenitude sneak attack. We are still in the trenches, and the battle remains in full swing, but I have a feeling that Mom will win once again.

Day 266 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays picture is from our trip last summer to Colorado, I love the cross glowing in the mountians!

As I sit here this morning turning yesterday around in my head I struggle to find words. I watched my 3 sisters and I just knew I would never fit in. Now that my Dad is gone there will be no reason for us to gather. I could feel the tension and disappointment they all felt in each other and in me and I realized there was nothing I could do about it. These feelings are just bricks in a pathway that started many years ago. In a way it feels like we never grew up. I wish things could be different, but I am not sure that is possible. I am certain that yesterday is probably one of the last times we will all be together at one time, there is no reason now. My heart hurts with sadness over everything that has happened in the last year. Sad hurtful things that at times brought us together and then later pulled us a part again. I think that the tug of war has worn all of us out.

 I keep replaying moments from yesterday, how so and so did not speak to me, or how what's his name made a snarly face when I went to give him a hug. Even how it felt like my Dad's brothers seemed like they were mad at me. Some of these memories might be accurate, and some may not, but it all goes in my minds blender and when it comes out it is just a huge pitcher full of hurt that I just want to pour out and be rid of. I just need a glass of peace and calm mixed with a little bit of normal (whatever normal is). Maybe normal is getting the lawn mowed. It could also look like me reminding my girls to get their homework done or even just spending some time with my kids and husband. Whatever normal is, I am ready for it.

 I think I did all the right things yesterday, I hugged "The Woman's" mom and told her I was sorry for her lose. I asked her to share my condolences with her daughter. I mingled with family and friends and I tried to make small talk with people that had little or no interest in me. Then I climbed in my car with my family and started to head to my new life without either of my parents. It does not matter that I did not see eye to eye with them now, it does not even matter that my Dad made stupid, selfish choices this last year of his life. All that matters is that I have my own family to raise. Children that need me and a husband that loves me. I am not alone, I have love in my life and life must go on.

Day 265 The Perfect Mom Project

265 days of writing, that means that I only have 100 more until my year is up, and what a year it has been so far! Each day another shot at getting this whole mom thing right. I have climbed many mountains and forded (weird word) many streams and I am still hoping to find my dream of being the perfect mom. Today, I will teach my children how to show grace when it is most difficult. That is a whole new chapter in my mothering project.

We will be heading towards the memorial for my dad in about 3 hours. The woman that he married will not be there, but I guess her mother is coming in her place. I plan to greet her politely, but other than that, I have nothing to offer her. She and her family have known my Dad for a little over a year, and even though he felt there was a bond there, I do not. I have also told all three of my girls that we must be cordial and polite, but we do not need to hug her or talk with her. We will do what we need to show respect to her as a person.

At one point during our visit at Thanksgiving last year it was pointed out that "the Woman" and her mother took care of my Mom. If all the other events that proceeded their care giving were not there, I might feel more compelled to extend more kindness, but what I have seen in the last few months makes me believe that this family just climbed on what they thought was a gravy train. On top of that, if it is possible, I have even less respect for "the Woman" now that she has decided she cannot come up for my Dads memorial service. She apparently is struggling with anxiety, has not been eating and she is uncomfortable.

1. Welcome to the last year of my life
   
2. She knows she has no relationships with our family which would happen in a slowly progressed, appropriate relationship
   
3. Life is tough, but you put on your big girl panties and deal with it
   
4. I feel that in no time, her true colors will emerge even more, oh wait, I think they are already showing!
   

My sister told me yesterday that this whole thing has been like a rollercoaster, and I assured her that I am going to ride this with my arms up. I know I will have friends and family there as support today, but most of all I will be there as a Mom and a daughter. I want my children to see that in spite of the hurt and sadness, we must turn the other cheek and move forward. It is time to head towards healing. There are still details to unwrap of the financial mess my dad has left behind, but for today we will honor his memory and show respect. This will be a great mothering moment.