Day 120 The Perfect Mom Project

Here we are in the home stretch, Christmas eve is just three days away. I wish I could say I am good to go, but I am not. I still have some shopping to do, some wrapping to do and some baking to do. Oh! And I still need to go grocery shopping!! HELP!! Since my families response to "What would you like for Christmas this year?" was "I don't know, I cannot think of anything". It has been very tough.

More of my holiday frustration right now is coming from not being mentally prepared. I keep getting bogged down in thoughts about family stuff that I cannot change. After yesterday, when I
realized that I was trying too hard with my girls my sister sent me this:

Dear Ragen, I do not need your help today, Love God.

Wow, that hit home. I sent my sister a message telling her that I like to think of myself as God's trusty sidekick, but apparently that is not necessary. I know I have been focusing on all the wrong things. Both of my girls have told me that it does not feel like the holidays to them either, and I want to do something to fix that for them, but I have to fix it for myself first. Perhaps that is where the above message comes in. Maybe I need to just let go and let God step in and help us out on this. I am to busy stomping around like Godzilla all ticked off about every little thing and I am not focusing on the bigger picture.

All this stuff we are doing, all the gifts we are buying are not what Christmas is about. I think it is time to hand over my stress to the one who can handle it best. I assume from his message, that he would prefer that anyway. It is easy to say, but tougher to do, especially when right in the heart of my holiday madness my washing machine breaks down! I have to stay calm and just keep pitching this stuff to The One who can handle it.

I will hit the ground running today, I must pick up Aly from a sleepover, and call the repair man for my washer, go grocery and Christmas shopping, finish my baking AND breath...just breath...

Day 119 The Perfect Mom Project

A while back I wrote about how horrified I was when Avery did not complete an assignment that was 70% of her grade, because she had been gone the entire weekend at a youth retreat. Her grade at the time went plunging from an A to an F in one fell swoop! I also shared with you at the time that Avery had asked me to let it go, that she would handle it. Well, word came home on Friday that her grade in Algebra is now an A-!

I was absolutely amazed at how hard she worked to get her grade back up. Every so often I would try to ask her how she was doing, and she would say to me, "I have gotten 100% on everything I have done so far Mom, but you need to stop worrying about it!" For whatever reason, I was more upset about the whole thing then she was. She had every confidence she would make it right and that was that!

This incident has had me thinking about why I would react like I did. I literally panicked! What the heck was that about? Even recently, when Aly and I went round and round about her handing in the missing papers to her teacher, I was worrying. I know that the girls are hard working students. They both have a love of learning and also a love of school (most days). Why would I worry about their grades? It is almost like I am personally attached to their accomplishments. It even feels a little like I am living through them, with both girls getting good grades, it will somehow absolve me of my poor grades in school. This is just speculation, but it is worth thinking about. What if I am the scholastic version of a stage mother? What if I am driving my children to succeed to fill some deep hole within me?

Honestly, it is not like I sit at the table with a whip and force them to do their school work. They have both always been very good about coming home and doing their homework. I also rarely, discuss school with them other then asking if they have homework and suggesting they get it done or something like the missing papers happens. They are pretty self propelled when it comes to school. Despite that, I still find myself wondering...do I drive my children to hard? Are my expectations too high?

This is something I am thinking a lot about right now. I truly hope that I can take some time over their Christmas break to talk to each of them about this topic. If they are feeling pressure about school from me, I hope I can learn to back down some and let them succeed or fail on their own merit and not take it on as my own. They are great kids, and the grades, (while they are nice) are not going to be all that they have in life. There ability to be good friends and loving parents are just as valuable as there scholastic abilities. This actually opens up a whole new can of worms, since here I am working towards being the perfect mom. These could be big shoes to fill, talk about pressure! Yeah, whatever you all know way to much all ready to buy that one!!

Day 118 The Perfect Mom Project

We are off to see our oldest daughter Ashleigh today! I am excited to see her and I am looking forward to seeing her home all decorated for Christmas. Another part of our plan is to bring home her dog Louie, he will stay with us until Christmas. Ashleigh's husband Scott has booked a snowmobile trip for just the two of them and they will return home the day before Christmas Eve.

We love having Louie here. When Ashleigh first got her dog (Louie) it was the week before she graduated from college. I thought she was nuts, "A dog?, You do not need a dog Ashleigh!" But as soon as I met Louie I fell in love with him too. I promptly offered to watch him for her when she headed out of town to see Scott who was working out of state. Since Scott works out of town quite often, I would watch Louie quite often, while Ashleigh would travel to see him. I grew more and more in love with that darn dog. It got to the point that when Louie would go home, I would cry. Quite the jump from"Are you nuts?" don't you think?

My longing and sadness from missing Louie turned into my wanting a dog of my own. When I mentioned this to my friends, they all said "Are you nuts?" I have to say, I wondered that myself! One day almost two years ago, I was driving through our town and saw a sign at a local groomer that they had puppies for sale. I was feeling blue that day and thought perhaps a little puppy cuddle would pop me out of my blues. That is the day I met Roxanne. She was this sassy little puff of fur that was chasing all the other puppies and wrestling them to the ground. I liked her spunk! I was hooked, and did not know what to do. I called a friend that had two dogs of her own and asked her if she would go back with me to see this puppy and give me her opinion. That afternoon, back I went with my puppy advisor. Some help she was(she was supposed to talk me out of a puppy), she saw all the puppies and melted, that day we both went home with new puppies!

Roxanne has been a joy and a pain at various times, but we all love her at our house, as a matter of fact, Louie loves her too! When you say, "Louie is coming!" Roxanne perks up her head and cocks it to the side, like she is saying "He is, where is he?" Louie does the same thing when Ashleigh mentions Roxanne to him. They are so cute together, they play and fight just like my kids do. This whole puppy situation is just another example of how as a Mom, I am constantly learning from my kids. I am also glad that all of my girls are able to respectfully disagree with me. Many times I have learned from all of them that Mom's are not always right. Sometimes I have to get a little nudge, or even a push to see that my way is not always the right way. It is a tough lesson, but I am up to the challenge, I like to believe the saying, "You learn something new everyday!". So, today I will surprise Roxanne with her pal Louie and the doggy fun will begin.

Day 117 The Perfect Mom Project

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I think that we are always where we need to be and that God guides us to each path we walk, so that we can learn and grow. Sometimes that path is a quick short walk, and other times the path is a long road seemingly going no where. Either path that is set before us brings us in and out of contact with other peoples lives, these people can touch us or teach us, and we do the same for them. Sometimes it is hard to tell who is helping who. I always tell my kids when they are in a difficult situation to take some time to work through it, because otherwise the lesson will be put in front of you again.

With that being said, I am still trying to figure out who helped who yesterday. I went to get my hair cut at the salon I have been going to for many years. The woman that cuts my hair and I had an immediate bond from the moment I walked in the door there 12 years ago. Although she is about 15 years younger then me, we have had similar experiences with our Mom's as we grew up and we have talked about this often. One thing that we have always talked about, was the frustration we felt with our Mom's and how we wished our relationships with our Mom's could be different. We both have struggled with how to raise our own children as well as wanting to be a better mom then our mom's had been. Both of us have suffered from physical and emotional abuse at the hands of our mothers, along with other traumatic experiences that have shaped who we are.

As we talked yesterday, I mentioned to my friend how much I was missing my Mom this Christmas. I told her that Christmas was always my Mom's favorite time of year and every detail had to be perfect. Even though my Mom was not always aware of the Christmas holiday in the last years of her life, I always knew she was still here and still part of my life. Last year I could use phrases like "my Mom always..." , now this year I use phrases like "My Mom used to...". This has made each little thing that I do that was carried forward from my Mom seem larger then life and somewhat surreal. I find myself missing her and crying often.

My friend shared with me that she had struggled that morning with her young son. He had been spinning around and had gotten his baby sister spinning around as my friend was trying to talk to their caregiver. She suddenly became overwhelmed by the commotion and the difficulty of trying to talk with the kids all ramped up and she snapped. She shared that she grabbed her son as he spun by and as she reached out got a hold of his hair. She yelled at him to settle down, and he ran off. When she went to talk to him about what happened, he told her he was scared to come out. At that moment she became upset, because she has worked so hard to be a better Mom then what she had, and she felt like she had let her son down.

I told her how I had a similar experience when my girls were little and it upset me in the same way. You want so much to be evolved and together with your kids, and every so often something dark sneaks in and you snap. I remember having the same reactions that she did and feeling tremendous guilt that I had hurt my child and let them down. There is always this feeling that you have to be better then that. It is a huge pressure that weighs on you everyday. My friend said, she had always wanted to be the perfect mom, and at that point I smiled at her and said "Thus the Perfect Mom blog!" I get it, you work so hard to be a good mom, or great mom, or even a perfect mom, and one moment and one mistake seems to take it away. We are all struggling to be good mom's, it is just that for some of us it feels like we have so much to overcome first.

When you think about it though, I am missing my Mom this Christmas despite our past together, because she was my Mom. Even on her worst day, she is still the person that gave me life, a sense of humor and even some of the gifts and talents that I have. She will always be the one that was there for most of my firsts in life. I worked hard to get what little she offered me, yet I still miss her and wish that I could talk to her. I always felt like we were one conversation away from healing our relationship. She will always be "Mom" and I will always love her for that in spite of everything.

That is what my friend and I shared with each other yesterday, we let each other know that we were not alone, that as women we all struggle with our picture of what a "good mom" truly is. The best part is that as women we can talk to each other and share our experiences and every so often help each other through a rough spot. Whether it is dealing with our mom's, or dealing with being a mom it is all part of the life and path that God has set before us and it is up to us to make it the best walk we can.

Day 116 The Perfect Mom Project

I'm OK, everyone relax! That is what I was thinking as I laid on the dining room floor in the dark last night.

After everyone was snug in their beds last night our cat Emeril started pawing at Avery's bedroom door. Since I did not want the cat to wake her up, I hopped out of bed and grabbed the cat and headed down the hall. My plan was to pitch the cat into the basement and close the door so that we could all get a good nights rest.

As I got into the dining room it was quite dark (no, I did not think to turn on a light) and I had to feel around for the basement door. I wanted to make sure it was open, so that I did not bump my head or somehow hurt the squirming cat in my arms. Reaching around for the door, feeling into the air...nothing...nothing...got it! I tossed the cat onto the stairs and closed the basement door. As I turned to head back to the bedroom, BAM, I tripped over Mark's briefcase and landed on the floor.

As you might recall, I mentioned earlier this week that my family likes to use the area by my back door as a ceremonial dumping ground for all of their stuff. Mark's briefcase, has been a topic of discussion from time to time, because it is heavy and bulky and just plain in the way! I had asked him to please take it down by our desk at night, because it was in the way and I had bumped into a a couple of times. Now, here I was splayed out on the dining room floor, and (I will be honest) I was not saying please anymore. First of all no one even came to see if I was OK. Mark told me this morning he did not think I fell, he thought I just tripped. OK, but could that be cause for sympathy? Apparently not!

I had a very bad attitude as I climbed back into bed. I gave strict orders(there was some bad language involved) to my loving husband to move that #*#** briefcase ASAP! I have to tell you, I was more upset that no one came to check on me and make sure I was OK. I know that sounds crazy, but I was hoping for some sympathy. I got zip, nada, nothing! Perhaps I should have screamed as I fell or just laid quietly on the floor and waited until Mark figured out I was not coming back to bed, although anyone who knows me, knows that I could never lay anywhere quietly, so that idea is out.

When I woke up this morning, I decided I should let it go. I went to workout with my girlfriend and I told her about what happened and we laughed. Silly, crazy life! Stuff happens to all of us and we can stay stuck in it, or move on. It did help that when I came home from working out, Mark was at the door waiting for me and he said "I am sorry about last night". That little face he makes when he apologizes, it is hard not to accept, so we kissed and hugged and moved on with our day.

I do not want anything to ruin our day tomorrow, especially some silly moment that is over and done with! Mark is taking the day off and we are going to go Christmas shopping and spend the day together. To me that is better then any wrapped gift. The only thing I am going to ask, is that my family please put all of their stuff away that is by my back door. Now I have a tragic story to point to any time they leave their things laying around. Hey, I could have been really hurt, you know!

Day 115 The Perfect Mom Project

"Mom, I do not want you to get progress reports from my teacher anymore, I do not want you to worry about my homework!!" This is what Aly said to me when we were talking about some papers that were listed as missing on her weekly progress report. My response, was "TOO BAD!"

Two days ago I mentioned to Aly that she had two papers listed as missing on her weekly report from the teacher. Her normal A in the class was now a B+. Not terrible by any means, but why the missing papers? Aly, was upset with me, because she thought my issue was the grade. It was not the grade, it was the missing papers. The papers were actually done and in her folder, but the teacher had asked the class to turn them in when Aly was out of school one day for Thespian Festival. Aly tells me she asked the teacher if they had turned in anything when she was gone and the teacher told her they had not. I just felt that somewhere she had dropped the ball.

The papers did get turned in yesterday, the teacher excepted them, because they were from a day that Aly was absent. Aly's point, was "What's the big deal Mom?" and mine was "You have to follow through!" We were at an impasse, because Aly felt she had followed through the best she could, and I could not let it go that the papers had been missing. I kept trying to explain to her that I was looking at the bigger picture, I want to be sure that she understands that follow through and double checking are very important. Teachers and bosses do not normally care why you did not get the job done, they just care that it is not done. Over all Aly was upset that I did not have faith in her and that I felt I needed to follow up on her.

Honestly, I have been receiving these weekly progress reports for several years and this is the first time that it was a problem. I took to heart what Aly said about not wanting me checking up on her. I recognize that she thinks I am pressuring her and I will have to regroup a little on that. My only purpose in receiving these reports, is so we can all stay up to speed about what is going on at school. We have had a couple times in the past where we were able to find errors and have them corrected. That's when I am celebrated as an awesome Mom and get the (Keep up the good work!) pat on the back.

I know after 26 1/2 years of parenting, that I am not going to get it right every time, but when I am asked to remove myself from the parenting process, it is time to do a quick self scan and make sure I am still on my game. Perhaps it is time for a little tune up. I am thinking a lot about the things that Aly said to me yesterday, and if I can help take some of the pressure off of her, I will. All I ask is in the mean time make sure you get your school work turned in and love me even though I am flawed, because...this is it, this is the Mom that you have and nothing is going to change that. Most importantly we both need to have faith in each other that we are doing the best that we can at being mother and daughter, we have a long road left ahead of us and I would like us to walk it together.

Day 114 The Perfect Mom Project

Excuse me...this is the third day I have asked you to put your shoes away, get on it! Why is it so hard for my family to put away their stuff? I am constantly pointing at something and asking "Can you put that away?" Honestly wouldn't it be better if instead of saying that they will, they were just honest and said "No" right then. Why lead me on with OK, and then not do it?


My favorite part is that by day three or four, I am not saying "Can you pick up your shoes?" I am yelling "PICK UP THESE SHOES, I HAVE ASKED YOU THREE TIMES!!" The response I get then is "Jeez, Mom you don't have to yell." Really, because I thought maybe your hearing was going and that is why you did not do what I asked! I feel like there are days that I walk around with my eyes bugging out of my head out of pure frustration. It would be real nice if when I asked my children to pick things up that they jumped up and did it. Avery will sometimes just sit there and look at me and then say, "I will, as soon as you leave the room." like I am watching her and it makes her uncomfortable. The problem is as soon as I leave the room, she forgets to do what I asked. It is a vicious circle!


I have threatened to put anything that is left out in a basket and charge them with chores to get their stuff back. It would be a great way to get them to do all the housework, because I am sure the basket would always be full. The only thing is, I always worry that they will need whatever I have in my goody box and I will not be able to give it to them, then I will feel bad. If you think about it though it is way better then walking around with my eyes bugging out yelling at everyone.


Well, perhaps I will try it, what is the worst that can happen, it fails miserably and we go back to square one? Look, I am still working on this perfection thing and I only have my own experience to work with here, so if I have to experiment to get some action, then that is what I have to do. Anything is better then where we are at now! I am off to change the future of my home, watch and learn!

(OK, I know it is a little showy, but I want to exude confidence about my idea.)

By the way, I did take a photo of a very light day at the back door!