Day 113 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night as I was reviewing my emails, one of my sisters had sent me a link to look over some of her family pictures. As I was scrolling through them I was smiling and thinking how pretty she was, how cute her son is, nice picture of him and his then fiance at their college graduation and then BAM! There was a picture of my Dad with his girlfriend (fiance, AGH!). I was not expecting that and it really took me back.

I suddenly became so upset, I could feel this hostility towards the girlfriend pumping its way through my body. The worst part is for some reason, I could not get the picture off the screen. I had brought the photos up on my own photo program, and I suddenly could not figure out how to get rid of it. I was literally in a state of panic. It would be like having a bug you did not want on you, "get it off, GET IT OFF!" Mark was trying to help and I was losing it. As I think about it this morning I keep thinking...What the heck was that about? All I know is that I was feeling pretty good, ready to move forward and suddenly the whole thing was in my face again.

Reality is that I will probably being seeing this face for some time to come, and I have to let it go. This is not going to be easy. I was padding along happy as a clam buried in the sand and someone came along and dug me up. Facing reality is easier said then done. I want to go back and finish looking at the photos today, and I know I am going to see that picture again. I have decided it was probably shell shock and if I keep exposing myself to the photo it will be easier to see. I am not sure if that will work in the same way if I actually have to be in the same room with her again, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

In the mean time I have to continue to focus on my Christmas energy, because I am so excited to have it back and I do not want to lose it. We are in the final week of school before Christmas break starts and it is always a busy week for all of us. For me just trying to get all of the girls shopping and wrapping done before they are here with me all day! The best part of this week will be Friday, when Mark has the day off and we can spend it together. I look forward to this every year! I will just continue to remind myself to keep my eye on the prize and enjoy my family and not worry about all that other nonsense right now. I have all of next year to deal with that. In a little way I feel like Scarlet in Gone With The Wind..."I will think about that tomorrow!"

Day 112 The Perfect Mom Project

I had a complaint from a blog reader yesterday, about my recent erratic blogging. Once this week I wrote the blog and headed out for the day forgetting to post it, and another day (yesterday) no blog until the late afternoon. I have to apologize, I assure you it is as frustrating to me as it is to you. Writing this blog each morning is like a steamy cup of coffee, it helps me regroup and move forward. I hold my coffee mug in my hands and stare at the computer screen and figure out what is ready and willing to pour out of me each day. Once I am done pouring out my thoughts, I am ready to get going for the day. When this process does not happen I am unable to regroup and move forward. I will do my best to make sure you are not let down again Oh Faithful Reader! I know at this point it will sound like an excuse, but I have to explain what happened yesterday, because it was a huge turn around in my Christmas blues.

On Friday morning as I was working out with my girlfriends my friend mentioned that there was a great sale starting bright and early(7:00 AM) Saturday morning at a store selling some great items for only $5.00 each. Being a sucker for clearance and sale items, I was intrigued and told her I would ride shotgun if she wanted to head over there. There were two great things about this idea,

1. This was my best friend that shops with me each and every year the day after Thanksgiving(which you will remember I missed this year because I was in New Orleans).


2. I could start my Christmas shopping which I had been putting off for lack of enthusiasm.

Well, as you know, the night before was the 8th grade dance and I was there with Avery. Then following the dance Mark and I took her over to the after party. The after party was still hopping at midnight when I looked at Mark and said "Sorry, but I need to go...I have to get up early to write my blog and shop." You do not hear that everyday! So home we went and I climbed into bed to sleep around 12:45 AM. When my alarm went off somewhere around 5:00 AM my enthusiasm for writing was waning, so I rested for another twenty minutes. That twenty minutes is what made my posting in the morning improbable.

The upside to this downside is that I was able to get a lot of Christmas shopping done. What started as a quick early morning run turned into a day of full out Christmas shopping. It was like the day after Thanksgiving redo of 2009! I suddenly had the Christmas spirit, that I was longing to find for the last two weeks. I kept telling my girlfriend that I had my mojo back! It was amazing how quickly my attitude turned around. I was saying "Merry Christmas" to everyone and laughing and best of all I was actually thinking of things I would like to get for others this Christmas.

I woke up this morning, and I still have that light hearted feeling. I lit some candles near me and plugged in some Christmas lights. The only thing missing is a little Christmas music, which I will take care of in just a few minutes. It feels good to have my Christmas spirit, I think this is what Mr. Scrooge must have felt like after his long night of reviewing his transgressions. I am excited for the days ahead. I have time planned with another of my best friends to shop and Friday this week Mark took off work, so that we can spend the day together and finish up our Christmas shopping. Its going to be a busy week, started off today with a visit with Great Aunt Nina.

I am ready for Christmas, bring it on, I am not going to let anything distract me now. I AM BACK!! YEA! Super Christmas Moms unite!!

Day 111 The Perfect Mom Project

"Mom, thanks so much I felt like a princess!" That one sentence put me as close to Perfect Mom status as I think I can get. All it took was helping my youngest get ready for her first big dance. She looked absolutely beautiful!

Avery was a roller coaster of emotion yesterday, excited and overwhelmed were the main two emotions that kept popping up. After I picked Avery up from school yesterday she told me that she had felt like crying all day long. As she told me this the tears started down her cheeks. She shared with me all of her worries about her friends. She loves her group of friends so much and she is worried that they are all growing apart. At one point I told her that Aly had gone through the same thing in 8th grade and she is still friends with her "posse" today. Avery looked right at me and said "Mom, I am not Aly!" Oops, I broke a mom rule by comparing my kids.

After talking a little longer, I took Avery into her salon appointment, to get her hair cut and then headed home to start curling her hair. Avery had told me she wanted to have a curly style for the dance, and I just looked at her and said, "I do not know if I can do what you want me to do Avery." She replied, "Mom don't be such a downer!" What? Downer? I am being honest! I decided I would give it my best shot, I had warned her.

Once we were home, I got started on her hair and "light" make-up. I worked for an hour curling strand after strand of hair into pretty curls. As I worked, Avery talked, sharing with me all kinds of things that a mom always hopes that her daughter will share with her. I heard about her friends and choices that they have made that bothered Avery. She also told me about her friends and boys and about boys and her. I did not say much, I tried to let her just chat. I wanted her to be able to release everything that she was feeling so that she could just enjoy the dance. As I finished up, Avery looked at me and said "Thanks Mom, I was worried that you and I would fight or something today,this turned out way better then I expected!" Hey, no problem, I can behave when I put my mind to it!

Once we were done with the preparations and Avery slipped on her dress and shoes she was transformed from ordinary middle school girl into a "princess". That is the word that Avery used to describe herself..."I feel like a princess!" Yea, mission accomplished, I had succeeded. Her hair was awesome, her pretty face was made up and she felt pretty. A mother could not ask for more then that. Of course we had her pose for several photos to preserve this special occasion. Over all the dance was a success. I even squeezed in a little dancing of my own, as I poured water and pop for all of the kids at the dance. I figured as long as I stayed behind the table and did not "bust a move" out on the dance floor I would be OK.

Avery is still telling me today how happy she is and how pretty she felt. I am happy too. I managed to pull a rabbit out of a hat and guide my daughter through her first dance without embarrassing her or me. That is a pretty big deal all by its self, because everyone knows that a mom can slip up at any given moment and wreck everything.

Day 110 The Perfect Mom Project

I was at the Parent Club meeting at the middle school yesterday. The December meeting is always nice, because they serve quiches and fruit and all kinds of yummy bagels and coffee cakes. Since this was going to be my very last middle school December meeting, I did not want to miss it! With the wind whirling around and the snow blowing, I headed out to my meeting.

It was great to see my friends and also to hear from some of the speakers that were there for the meeting, but the best part was after everyone had left and four of us were helping clean up and talking about our 8th graders. The school counselor was there with us and one of the moms was sharing how a girl was pursuing her son. She was stunned by the lengths this girls was going, to attract her son, and she was even more stunned by the texts she was sending to him. She told us how she would calmly say to him, "let me see your phone for a minute" and then just skim through his texts and she wondered if that was OK. She also shared that the girl was actually already seeing her son's best friend and she had warned him that this could end badly with his friend. Her biggest worry was whether she was parenting to much, or not enough. Good question! How do we ever know that? When is it time as a parent to step back and let your kids be.

I have struggled with that since my oldest Ashleigh was born. Once she went off to college I tried to stay out of her business, but it was not always easy to do, and I am sure I was a frustration to her many times. Especially when she started to date my now son-in-law. I was not too sure about him and I told her that plenty of times, but she persisted. At one point frustrated by her choices, I looked up at the sky and said "I am giving this all to you God!" I have to say that was actually a turning point in our relationship. Once I released my expectations of her and let God be the guide, things really turned around. I absolutely love my son-in-law, I now see in him what Ashleigh saw and I am proud of her for standing her ground and not folding when I put in my two cents.

I did share with my friend yesterday that I think parenting is something that you do from your gut. I think it is important to trust your instincts and talk with your kids about what you are feeling. Everyone of us agreed that she was on the right track and that as long as her son was communicating with her about what was happening, she was good to go. It was nice to hear that other moms question their performance record too. The hard part is the girl this mom is talking about is one of Avery's friends. I also know that Avery has been struggling lately because some of her group of friends have gone boy crazy. Avery wants everything to stay just like it is. She loves her girlfriends and she does not like what these boys are doing to there little group.

Tonight is the 8th Grade Dance. It is THE EVENT of the year every year. Avery has her cute dress and she is going to have a cute hairdo, she is very excited! I hope that tonight, Avery and her friend's can have fun and put some of the puberty stirred drama aside. There is also an after party at a girlfriend's house and there will be boys there too. Makes me think, "What is the rush?" I know we have to go down this path, but does it have to be now? I have signed up to chaperon at the dance and Mark and I have been invited to come to the after party too, so we will be keeping an eye on all of this. In the middle of this I have to remind myself that my little girl is growing up and someday she will be telling me how much she loves some guy, and I am going to have to once again look up to heaven and hand it over!

Day 109 The Perfect Mom Project

After all the driving and stress of preparation for the Holiday Talent Show, comes word yesterday that it has been canceled. I honestly expected the girls to be disappointed, but all Aly said was, "Cool, now I can go shopping with my friend on Saturday."

I know this is probably really mean, but I am glad it was canceled too. I told the girls that as we all drove home from my round of pick ups yesterday. I know that they would have done a great job, they always do, I just was not up for it. I am having a hard enough time getting on board with this holiday, and I am trying to do anything I can to fake it until I get it. That includes baking cookies, which I swore off of last year. Yesterday afternoon I baked 9 dozen chocolate chip cookies. I know that I was short some(about a 1/2 doz.)because I kept eating the dough. After everything I know about eating raw dough, it would almost be considered attempted suicide.

I thought that if I did some of the things that I used to do over the holidays, it would get me into them more. One cookie that I am thinking about making is a cookie that my Mom loved, it is called Springerle. My Grandma used to make them every Christmas and when she passed away, my Mom gave me the special roller you need to make them. I also have the original hand written recipe that my Grandma used when she would bake these cookies, I have it framed and hanging on my wall. These cookies are a huge pain to make and I used to avoid making them. Now, this year with Mom gone, I am suddenly nostalgic enough to consider making them. The upside to this particular cookie is that the dough is not something you would enjoy eating raw!

Tonight, I might whip up some sugar cookie dough and have the girls work on cutting them out and baking them. They have always enjoyed decorating the sugar cookies, so maybe if I have them do the cutting and baking they will enjoy that too. I do not even really want all the cookies in the house, but baking them is kind of fun and it does help it seem more like Christmas. I know that this is a long shot, but why should I have all the fun? It would also be nice for all of us to come together to work on something. We are all either reading, on the computer or watching television. Perhaps a little time baking together would be fun, we shall see.

I am pedaling as fast as I can to get my Christmas spirit up and running. If the cookie baking does not work, I am thinking about having some of the girls friends over to go Christmas caroling. We did that a few times when the girls were little and I think it could be fun. I know you are thinking that I have gone Christmas crazy, but thats OK, I am not only trying to get back my Christmas spirit, I am also trying to work on my mothering, so this could be a win, win for everyone. Again...we shall see!

Day 108 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I think I have figured it out. I am going to be driving my children to(and picking them up from)where they need to be for as long as they need me to. Just yesterday Aly was planning on bowing out on something she had this afternoon after school, because she did not want to have to ask me to pick her up. I felt terrible, as much as I hate the constant running hither and yon, I do not want my girls to give up what they like doing. I only have a small window of time left before my girls all have lives of their own, and I want to spend as much of that window with them.

As I look out my window this morning, I am having a hard time getting motivated to write anything. There is a small amount of snow on the ground and it is raining. It is like the weather cannot make up its mind about what it wants to do. Instead of choosing one thing, we get the weather combo pack! This is not the kind of day that you jump out of bed for, this is the kind of day that you pull the covers over your head and fall back to sleep hoping that when you wake up the sun will be shining and the birds will be singing.

I am also struggling because I am frustrated. For the last few years, Mark and I have been trying to work towards our own holiday with our girls. For many years (since my parents lived out of state) it was tradition to go to Mark's parents house on Christmas day. It was always a lot of fun. All the Cousins, Aunts and Uncles exchanging gifts and eating the traditional Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. It was always fun to catch up with everyone. I do not think I had ever seen so many people or gifts on Christmas in all my life. Mark's parents always went all out for everyone.

As time has gone on though things have been changing for us here. We now have my Aunt Nina that we are responsible for and we have added a son-in-law and his family into the mix. This makes it tough for us to have a Christmas with our children the way we would like, because we are trying to juggle so many other things. Over time we had started to make alternate plans with Mark's family so that we could accommodate our own growing family. This has hurt Mark's parents, and in kind it has saddened and frustrated Mark. How do we honor what we need for our family and still honor his family too?

This is not easy. My oldest daughter Ashleigh has a husband and in-laws (that live 3 hours from them) of her own that have expectations for them, plus her own family(we live two hours from them)and the traditions she enjoys with us. We have Aunt Nina who until this year we would bring to our home to enjoy the holiday with us. Now due to her being unable to get around as well, we will need to go to her and spend time with her on Christmas. Somewhere in all of this we will be going to church and having a celebration of our own with our children. Things were more simple when we could throw everyone in the car and just head out to Grandma's on the afternoon of Christmas day, but our family is changing and we need to make our own traditions.

I am frustrated, because my husband is hurt and sad. He wants to please his Mom and Dad and he wants to please his own family and now he is in the middle. This is not how we want Christmas to be. We have tried to think of ways to make new traditions that would be enjoyable for everyone, but at this point we are still working through the hurt and disappointment. Over all, we know that for our family needs to make a change, we are being pulled in too many directions and we just have to focus on what will work for us. We love Mark's family, they are wonderful generous, loving people who would drop everything to help us if we needed it. However, it is time for our family to make traditions of our own. Knowing of course that this is temporary. In time Ashleigh and Scott will have children of their own and Avery and Aly will have lives of their own and we will be right back where we are now, trying to figure out how to make the holiday enjoyable for everyone and not have hard feelings.

I can only hope that somewhere along the line I will stumble across The Perfect Mom's Guide to Holiday Happiness and I will be able to get some tips on how to handle this situation with grace. Until then I will stumble around like a bull in a china shop!

Day 107 The Perfect Mom Project

OOPS! Wrote it and forgot to post it...sorry!

This is day two of "That's not fair!" Last night as the family was trying to decide who I should pick up and where, that comment came out again.



Here is the thing...Avery wanted me to drop her off at the high school so she could watch a friend try out for the Holiday Talent Show this afternoon. I tried to explain to her that last week when I dropped her and Aly off they were done in half an hour. I do not want to drive her there and then turn around and go back in 30 minutes, that is A, B is that I am already going up to the high school this afternoon to pick Aly up since she is staying after for Forensics Club. So, I would pick up Aly at 3:30 PM and then drop Avery off at 4:00 PM, and then go back to get Avery at 4:30 PM? ALL Right, THAT IS IT!!!



Apparently, it is not fair that I pick Aly up from school when she stays after for practices and meetings if I will not drive Avery up to the school to watch her friend tryout for this Holiday Talent Show. Never mind that I pick Avery up from school once or twice a week for a variety of reasons. Seriously, I am going to have to have a family meeting, because, I do not think it is FAIR that I have to drive kids all over town like that is all I am here for. Last night after several minutes of how unfair all of this is, I finally said, "I AM NOT A TAXI CAB!" I am sure that I yelled this out, but no one reacted to the comment at all, so I am starting to wonder if I am now invisible, which would make it more difficult for me to drive my children.



Aly told me last night that when she mentioned to a friend that she might not do the show at her church,(you know the one where I lost it driving the girls home last week) her friend's Mom got aggravated. The Mom offered to give Aly a ride if she still wants to do the show. I said that's fine, if she wants to drive go ahead, but now I am starting to feel like maybe we all need to slow down around here. I am sorry if people are disappointed that I am not willing to drive every bloody place, but I am not even able to think anymore. I still have to go see my Aunt Nina today and get some groceries and possibly some Christmas presents. It is not like I am sitting here eating bonbons and being fanned by the pool boy! I want my girls to be involved and have interests, however, their involvement and interests require my assistance right now, so I think that accusing me of not being fair is the wrong move. I would like to remind my children, if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!!



I just waved good-bye to Avery as the carpool pulled away. Our last conversation as she headed to the car was...OK, so if you do not call then you are not staying after for the Dodge ball Tournament., otherwise if you call me I will pick you up around 5:30 PM. As you can see she has moved on from the whole talent show thing. Still in the mix is that I am picking Aly up at 3:30 PM from school. Somehow, I think my kids would be in a world of hurt if I suddenly stopped driving them places. Obviously, I cannot do that, but I like thinking about it. It makes me feel like I really do have a choice. Still on the agenda for a family discussion is how Mom is not a cab service. Perhaps after I pick everyone up tonight, we will talk about that...what's wrong with this picture?