Snow Angels

With winter in full swing in my town, I am continually faced with snow. Some days the snow is fluffy light snow and other days the snow is forceful and commanding. This snow even in its most delicate state can slow traffic and even disrupt schedules. If enough snow works together it can even collapse a roof or tumble down a mountain side covering everything in its path. It reminds me how even the smallest of things can command our lives.

Sometimes the smallest gesture or the gentlest touch can change a day for someone, random smile towards someone you do not know or letting that car into the lineup of traffic. These are gentle flakes of human kindness that remind us that there is still good in our world.

The other day I was heading into my local grocery store I was not paying close attention other then noting that the crosswalk was ahead and there was no traffic in sight. I stepped into the crosswalk and made my way towards the store when a car whipped past me and honked his horn at me. I was immediately aggravated and shouted at the car that they had a stop sign and I was in the crosswalk. Lovely behavior I know, but that moment was like a mountain of snow crushing my day, I stomped into the store and grabbed a cart feeling grumpy and hoping I did not come face to face with the driver of that car. As I made my way through the store I was stuck under the avalanche of a bad attitude and could not get out from under it.

When I reached the register I came face to face with my snow angel. The cashier was gentle, kind and thoughtful. Her kindness started shoveling away my mad mood and lovingly cleared a spot where I could see that things were not as bad as they seemed. As I pushed my cart towards the door I realized I was smiling and the best part of all, others smiled back at me. The smile was simple and heartfelt and it gently touched another who would in turn share the smile as well. Instead of an avalanche of a bad/mad mood there was suddenly a gentle soft kindness in the air. All because one person smiled and showed kindness.

While a light snow drifts from the sky this morning I see that it is piling up steadily and I am in awe of its gentle power. As you step out today perhaps you will be faced with a commanding treacherous road or a light fluffy slippery slope. My hope is that somewhere along the way you will meet a snow angel that will help you through the rough patch. Better yet perhaps you can be the commanding snow angel and melt the heart of another with a smile or some kindness.

Knowing who I Am

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they start telling you about "the you" they see and know? They tell you about the gifts or talents that you have or things that you do that they admire and you find yourself scratching your head wondering who they think they are talking to. It's a surreal moment to have your everyday self called out. You had no idea you were even admirable and here someone is telling you that you are.

Last month a friend had asked me to write a short inspirational article for her non-profit newsletter. I of course was honored, but wondered, why me? I do not see myself as a real writer, I play around with writing and I blog my heart each day, but a writer that people would "officially" be reading I was not sure that it was going to work out but I accepted the challenge and wrote something to share.

Twice this week on two different occasions, I have been approached by people that I did not know well, telling me that they had read my piece in the newsletter and truly enjoyed it. The first person that approached was a little surprised when as she spoke to me and my eyes welled up with tears and I became choked up. I truly was not expecting the response I had received and it caught me off guard. I know a lot of things about myself, but I did not know that outside of my little blog here, there might be people who would read and enjoy something that I wrote.

Now I am being forced to reevaluate myself. Maybe the tapes I play in my head about who I am are not accurate and up to date. Perhaps the things I have told myself are not possible for me or that I should not try, are actually possible. All of this because one person looked at me differently then I looked at myself and had faith in me.

I am now faced with the chance to try something new and work on writing for something besides just for me (and you of course). This has me wondering if I am the only one with talents hidden away that others can see we have, but we deny. Is it possible that through someone else's belief in us we can get to know who we are? I know I have spent a lot of time listening to the negative voices and believing them. Having the chance to believe the positive voices is new and I have to be honest, I like it!

Today would be a good day to turn your head away from the voices that are saying "you can't" and lean into the possibility of "you can". It was a great feeling being looked at in a new and different way and I am certain that this one moment is creating an even better me than I thought I could be. The next time someone shares with you their admiration and belief in you, I recommend you shove those negative thoughts out and rival in the feeling of self love and belief. It really does feel good!

The Argument

Yesterday my oldest daughter and I had an argument. The initial argument might have seemed silly and unnecessary but what the argument turned into was something quite different and I am struggling to understand what happened and come to terms with what my expectations are compared to her expectations. Realistically no one wins an argument, they are usually painful and difficult unless they are done correctly and I am certain that no one knows the skill of correct arguing.

Mainly arguing comes down to feelings, your feelings versus the feelings of the other person and how badly one or the other wants to make their point. The process of arguing can be difficult when there are hurt feelings that are deep down and during the pressure of the argument they come gushing out and spew poison into an already toxic situation. At this point no one "wins" and the situation spirals out of control.

Yesterday feelings were hurt and no one won. It is all well and good to stand around pointing fingers and blaming each other for things that have been done, but unless everyone is committed to healing and moving past the pressure point, things will never be different. Blaming and carrying hurt are not healing and looking for a fall guy only compounds the problem. Standing in the mix fighting it out, hearing what the other person's pain is and why it is there, is to me a much healthier alternative to ignoring the problems and trying not to argue. I do not believe in avoiding a problem, it is like walking through a Fun House, things just get more awkward and distorted.

There is no going back now, once the gauntlet goes down the battle is waged and everyone pays a price…EVERYONE. If at any point you have walked away thinking you "showed them" or "they had that coming" you are wrong. Each person walks away hurt and sad, there is nothing to show in an argument but the truth and the only thing you might have coming at the end is a big hug if things go well and healing occurs.

There were no winners here yesterday. We both behaved badly and wounds were ripped open. I know from the past that avoiding confrontation only increases the likelihood of confrontation later down the line, but I wish that things had gone differently. I am not sure if I will ever be able to express my feelings and expectations adequately to my daughter and I am certain that she feels the same about me, however I am not going to stop trying regardless of how painful and difficult it is.

False Guilt

Guilt has wormed its way into my brain and I cannot get it out. I have done nothing wrong and should be nowhere near guilt, but because I feel badly about a situation I have no control over, I am sucking down guilt and allowing it to take over my brain…I am on a guilt binge.

What is it that makes me decide to feel guilty about things that I cannot change? I have seen murderers have less guilt and remorse then I have. There is no changing what is happening and I know that, so why do I think beating myself up and trying to assuage my guilt by falling all over myself to make things right, ( that were never wrong) will help anybody?

Guilt is a great tool if used correctly. You have done something wrong, your brain calls you on it, points it out to you and you reign yourself in. That is assuming of course that whatever it is actually is guilt worthy and not false quilt. False guilt is the guilt we heap on ourselves when we feel badly about something that has happened and we convince ourselves that we are bad people even though we are not in the wrong. This false guilt might even make you feel worse than real guilt because you get to be the boss of it by increasing the actual amount of guilt required.

I know right now I am living with false guilt and I can tell you it is miserable. I can be merrily going about my business and BAM, my guilt brain worm slides through and reminds me that I should not be merry, I should be guilty. I then go through several layers of guilt evaluation in my head to remind myself why I am guilty…even though I should not be. Agh, it's a big nasty mess in my head these days!

I would give anything to set myself free of this feeling. I will be honest here it is like being stuck in a vice. The pressure I am putting on myself is not fair and there is nothing I can change. Every piece of what is happening was decided and put in motion by others and I am literally the monkey in the middle. So again, why the guilt? Because that is what women do, we beat ourselves up for things we cannot make right. Women are the planners and the fixers and when we cannot plan our way out or fix something we crush ourselves with guilt as penance. It is a hefty price to pay.

This quilt binge must come to an end. I do not deserve this and I know better. Actually I think that is part of my quilt too, I feel guilty about what I cannot control and I feel even worse because I feel guilty…GREAT, double guilt, it just gets better and better. See what happens when you allow your mind to take over? G.U.I.L.T that's what happens.

Dreaming

Recently the topic of dreaming has been prominent in my life. Not the fast asleep type of dreaming but the type of dreaming that many times finds a person doing amazing things because they follow their heart. I should tell you that I have never been very good at following my heart. Most of my young life I was told more often what I could not do and should not do and…that little girl grew into someone who had little faith in herself and thought very little was within her reach. Any dreams that were once in my heart were pushed out by someone else's version of what was obtainable for me.

I carried a dream with me for many years I held it close and rarely shared it, but when I did it was only with the most trusted of friends. Because my faith in myself was nonexistent I never really believed the dream could come true. Once I did have a shot at my dream and believed it would happen until the shot failed and I packed up my belief and kept it locked away. Whenever I would start to think about my dream I would unlock the dream look at it, remember my failure and lock the dream away again. Eventually I stopped bothering with unlocking the dream it seemed silly and a waste of time.

Now with children of my own, I have spent much of my time dreaming for them and encouraging them to dream for themselves and suddenly I hear this soft tapping on my heart to unlock my dream and let it out. It occurs to me that my children will never know the delight of a dream or believe in their dreams if I do not delight and believe in my own dreams. Not only do I owe myself the chance to live my dream, I owe it to my children to blaze the trail of self belief.

Somewhere planted inside of each of us is a seed planted with love. It is the dream seed and it will grow if we tend it and love it. To others it may not look like much or it might even look like too much, but it is our dream. There inside you, you know you feel the stirrings of your dream. Perhaps its roots are tangled and untended or maybe the dream seems old and out dated, but it is in there.

Do you have a tangled and untended dream? Is it possible for you to lovingly take out your dream, dust it off and make it fit into your life? Mine barely seems practical at this point in my life, but I have my children's eyes on me and their belief in me keeps me moving forward. As I have worked at my dream I have come to realize that there are other dreams that have lain dormant and untended and suddenly they too are untwining and calling to me.

The responsibility for my dreams is now my own. I can shut off the voices in my head that are stopping me and open my heart and let the dreams bloom. The little girl inside me, that so long ago left her dreams behind has opened her heart to dreaming again. There are days when the voices climb in my head and remind me of the doubts, but the dream vine is strong and as I share the dream with others it blooms even more beautifully. The love and belief that others pour on the dream are like fertilizer to my soul and suddenly everything seems more obtainable. Is today the day for you to take a peek at that tucked away dream? Will you listen to the soft tapping on your heart and release your dream seed and let it bloom? I hope so, because not only will it set your dream free, it will set you free too.

The Tipped Scale

I have no idea how it happened or why but I think I finally reached my limit. After years of warning my family that I was reaching my limit I am there. Now what? These people who I love so much have pushed and shoved me to this edge and I have no idea where to go from here. It was not anything big that got me here, it was actually quite small but even the smallest grain of sand can tip the scale and I have tipped.

I am frustrated with everyone being busy making it okay for them to be unable to perform a task for the betterment of our household. I am aggravated with the deep mournful sigh when I mention a household item that's not working right. Wanting the item repaired should not make me an annoyance. Why would I (or you) want to keep using something or living this way when it does not work right and why would I want to keep plugging away excepting a very bad alternate plan instead of just fixing the problem? If you do not know what is wrong, than get help, but for peat sake DO SOMETHING!

Life is too short to live with subpar. I want to live an on par kind of life and I am willing to fight for it. This would explain why I stood toe to toe with my daughter yesterday as she told me that she had told me something that I supposedly forgot. I have been here before and I know this child well and while I can forget things it feels like it is easier to throw the sensitive subject of my forgetting in my face rather than accepting responsibility for not actually telling me. The worst part is, we were sparring over some Rubbermaid containers. Why do I even care? Isn't my relationship with my daughter more valuable than some plastic?

That is what happens when you get to the edge and you feel unheard. You are suddenly shoved right to the edge, dangerously close to your limit. The very place you have warned everyone you were heading and they ignored the warnings. Now the family stands around gasping with haughty disgust at how unpleasant you are for "no reason at all"! Are they kidding? Were they not warned this was coming?

So as I teeter on the ledge of unraveling completely, I have to step back and remind myself that apparently some people do not heed warnings. I also have to except the fact that if I want something done, I may just have to do it myself. I cannot guarantee that I will be pleasant and easy going about it. It is difficult to find balance and centeredness when you are dangling from your limit. The scale is precariously tipped and one false move and over I will go. Please know that I may come back from this ledge like a yoyo but eventually this string may break and then there will be no coming back.

 

Someone Else’s Image

Has anyone ever said something to you about how you look or how you act that has stuck with you, a meaningless and sometimes hurtful comment that when you look in the mirror or attempt a task, you remember the comment all over again? Someone else's image of you that becomes part of the definition of who you are and even though you know better you add this to your personal definition of self.

When I was a young girl I had many people defining me, my Mom had told me "You would be taller if you did not have so much turned under for feet". Some kids in my middle school called me Zitzinnie, Zitzilla and endless names that pointed out the fact that I had terrible acne. I also had coworkers in my adult life that called me uncomplimentary names because I took the work I did very seriously and when I stood my ground about my expectations of doing my job well, I was mocked and talked about behind my back. Each hurtful thing that was said was tucked away and became part of my own of definition me.

I had a tough time trying on shoes as I grew older because I let my feet define me. Never mind that everyone else must be that size too since the stores seemed to be out of it when I found a shoe that I liked. My face, well…that defined me too. It has taken years for me to be comfortable looking in the mirror. I lift my head up from the sink and wonder at this face. I see every scar that's on my face and I feel each and every scar on my heart, left behind by children trying to feel better about whom they were by pointing out perceived flaws of another. Finally, I also carry the weight of being misunderstood, judged by others because as a single mother at the time my concern for keeping my job kept me tied in a tight knot unable to "relax" or "take it down a notch" as my coworkers would say.

I believe that once we can identify our true self it is easier to release someone else's image of us. Finding ourselves and identifying who we truly are is no easy task, realizing that another person's vision of us does not have to be our vision, and also realizing that we can always be different or better. It is never too late to let someone else's version of who we are go and grab hold of who we want to be. Several hundred pairs of shoes later I am comfortable with the feet I have. I am also happy that I can finally look at myself and see who I really am through my own eyes and not those of hurtful children. Last but not least I have learned how to be a better leader. I now realize that although my coworkers were not kind, there was something there for me to learn.

Someone else's image of us does not have to be our own image. Embracing each and every part of ourselves and learning to love those parts is not easy, but the work to get there is worth it! Feeling happy and confident, beautiful and strong no matter what we hear from others is no easy matter, but why do they get to define us? Take the time today to take a good look at yourself and think about all the great things that make up who you are and be kind to yourself. All of those great things that make up who you are should be your definition of self and you have my permission to let someone else's definition go.

 

Under Current

This morning I sit quietly listening to the noises that I normally pay no attention to, the humming of the automatic timer for my living room lamp, the groan of the ice maker on my refrigerator and the breathing of my cat. Simple noises that I ignore everyday yet are still there mixed in with what I do hear. As I listen to these under current noises it makes me wonder what other under currents I miss each day.

When I am going about my day and interacting with family, friends and random strangers, what am I missing? What am I not seeing or hearing? Am I so comfortable being on auto pilot that I ignore the needs of others? Perhaps one of my children needs me but does not know how to ask for my help. What are the odds that a friend is struggling and I am so focused on the day being the way it is suppose to look and sound that I miss the silent alarm that they have set off?

I have been the person that has said, "I wish I had known that was going on, I would have helped", only to find out later that I missed a hint or a quiet comment. The moment of need sent out in a whisper that was lost in the noise of my everyday life. I am trying hard to hear the quiet in a new way. Listening not to the silence but the layer just beneath, where when you give yourself the time you can relax and hear the under current noise. Most often it is in the under current where we hide our hurt and sadness so that we do not have to share it with others. The under current is a safe place to hide much of what hurts us. If we keep it quiet enough we believe it will go away.

My thought is this…how do you feel when you find out someone you care about did not reach out to you in their time of need? You question why you were not worthy to share their burden. You wonder if you missed their need and if so why. What if I tell you that this is how God feels when we turn from him and hold our troubles in the under current, thinking we can handle our struggle on our own? We try to carry the load and ignore the everyday struggles when we have arms waiting to hold those worries for us. There is no under current that can heal us and our troubles and we are not stronger then God and although we do not want to burden our friends, God longs for us to turn to him. I am guilty of this every day, not listening to the under current and God's whisper, dragging my worry along wishing the load was lighter and then remembering that God is waiting to restore my life if I just lift my worries out of the under current and hand them to Him. Trusting God and letting him listen to the sounds of my heart, the sounds that most times no one else can hear even in the noisy silence.

 

Psalm 71:20

New International Version (NIV)

 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Fear

I am afraid. It's a normal feeling and one that we all have, but being afraid is like a stop sign in your brain. Once you are afraid you stop moving forward and sometimes you run backwards. We have all seen those movies where the main character is in a stressful fearful situation and they panic. As this character is making an obviously poor choice we find ourselves screaming at them in our heads or out loud "NO, What are you doing?" At that moment we lose all faith in this person for making what we consider a very poor decision. I have decided to come out about my fear in hopes of facing it and not allowing the fear to control my thoughts. Maybe this way I can move forward and make smart choices instead of being the one hearing "NO, What are you doing?"

You see I find myself fearing that I will be facing down Alzheimer's disease. I watched what Alzheimer's did to my Mom slowly changing her life and the lives of all of us who loved her. I could feel the grip it had on my Mom before she ever even had signs of it because I could see her fear. She worried, she read and she talked about the possibility of Alzheimer's until she had herself convinced that it was coming for her and then it did. My Mom walked right into its frightening path while we all stood by yelling, "No, what are you doing?" Fear stopped my Mom from living the good life she had and kept her frozen in place waiting for her adversary to take her over.

I have chosen to face my fear, I am not going to run and hide nor am I going to focus on my fear. I plan to walk with it and use my fear to keep me motivated to be the best I can be no matter what course my life takes. The truth is whether you are afraid or not life marches on and I fully intended to stay focused on what fear can help me do rather then what fear can take away from me. I do not want to sit idly by while fear shoves me into a corner that I cannot get out of and then spend the rest of my life waiting for the end.

Regardless of what happens, I would like to think that my remaining fearless within my fear is a better choice then succumbing to its power. My fear is that I will let fear win. I fear that my heart will turn when I am feeling weak and I will let fear be in charge of my destiny. The truth is fear is very strong and when we are weak it can change us into people we do not know and sometimes do not like. I refuse to let my fear of fear to run my life and instead I am choosing to set it to the side and allow my fear to keep me motivated.

I intend to move forward. I will not be the one stepping into the path of my foe and allowing it to control my life. Whatever my destiny is, I intend to be a participant. I will not become frozen in place by the fear and allow it to overtake every moment. I am not going to go backwards, instead I intend to grab a hold of my fear and allow it to sling shot me towards living life well as long as I can and believing that this is a good decision. I am just going to take down this stop sign in my brain and work on building a roundabout.

 

 

 

Celebration Vacation

Ahhhhhhh…at last the celebrating has come to an end. Mardi Gras and Valentines in the same week is just too much! I am ready to relax and not think or stress about anything extra in my life. I love the celebrating, but I also love the quiet days with the usual stuff like cleaning, cooking, errands and just regular old life. I am going to enjoy every unplanned moment.

There are more festivities ahead too, there is a surprise weekend for a friend's 50^th birthday and St Patrick's Day and Easter, next thing you know there will be Memorial Day, then 4^th of July, Labor day and in no time at all we will be staring down the barrel of Christmas again. Don't get me wrong, I am not in favor of rushing this year along, but when I put these holidays and celebrations on paper it reminds me how full life can be.

Having a little time to just be with no planning or agenda is like a mental cleanse. My mind moves swiftly when it is in planning mode, searching my brain for all the ideas and traditions for each holiday or celebration. When the pressure is off my mind wonders and thinking is easier. No regimented days, no detailed list of things to accomplish, just flat out ordinary unencumbered life.

My plan for today is to keep it simple. Fold some towels, run a couple of errands and make a simple dinner. Life as usual or as usual as it gets here, the Chief cook and bottle washer has a bad habit of forgetting how to relax and enjoy a few quiet moments. I am going to do my very best to just focus on a slow and quiet day…well I will after I go for a walk with my girlfriend and then take the dogs for a walk, do a small load of laundry and then run some errands, vacuum and make dinner. Oh boy, I might not be celebrating, but life is still just as busy and planned. I guess it is better than the alternative!!

Day of Heart

Celebrating is something I love to do. I will always be the go to girl for any party or random celebration that comes up. Any opportunity to be happy and expand my heart and I am on board! Today is the day of heart, Valentine's Day and the opportunity to share your love with your loves. Some feel this is a holiday created by card companies to create revenue for them, I disagree; I consider today another opportunity to spread some love.

Each day we step out into the world we are looking for affirmation. Some days that is the last thing we receive. I know I have had days when I have left the house knowing that I had a deep seated hostility brewing in me. I do not know where it is coming from, but I can tell that the people I come in contact with sense the hostility and they become guarded and on edge. Those are the days when I wish I could where a button that says "I am overly sensitive and hostile today please handle with care". Just a smile or a nod from someone reminding me that even though I am frowning and grumpy I am still worthy of kindness could possibly make all the difference.

If there was a way to store up love and kindness I would sign up right away. There are days when love pours out from every direction for instance today the day of love, Valentine's Day. On days like this it would be nice to be able to tuck away some of the love and kindness that comes your way. Think about how wonderful it would be in mid March or April when you are feeling blue to open up your love storage and take some out. This could possibly hold off a really stressful day or even a bad mood.

Honestly the only way available to store up the love we receive is to give it away. The more we give our love away, the more it will come back to us. The saying goes that if you love something set it free and if it is meant to, the love will return to you. What if some of our love is meant to come back and some of our love is meant to be given away. Love shared with strangers through a smile or by letting someone ahead of you in a store line or possibly even by just listening to a stranger who seems to need to tell their story. As I get older I have begun to realize that love comes in many forms. Love is more fluid then a gift or comment. Love is time, love is sacrifice, and love is hanging on and loving someone even when they are the hardest to love.

Today is an opportunity to share your wealth of love. Smile and nod, hug a friend or just be kind to someone who is not easy to be kind to. Today may be an official day of heart, but perhaps if we go the extra mile tomorrow we will help fill up someone's love storage and get them through a tough day. Today is just another opportunity to spread some love.

 

Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler (Let the Good Times Roll)

Yesterday was Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras or just Tuesday depending on your life. Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras events signify the beginning of lent for some religions. For my family it is a chance to celebrate and remember New Orleans and the times we had with my family there. These days memories of our times together are sweeter. The pain of my parent's loss and the stress of the estate issues is slowly subsiding and the good times are starting to roll through my mind.

Here is our King Cake, you can see the baby on top,
this to avoid a choking hazard.

Yesterday we had King Cake a traditional cake in New Orleans that usually has a little plastic baby hidden in it. If you get the baby you have to bring the cake the next year. Here in the state I live there is a tradition of Paczki which is a Polish danish fried and filled with a variety of fillings. I have never enjoyed the Paczki and I much prefer the delicious multi colored frosted coffee cake. Our dinner which my husband Mark made was Gumbo another specialty from New Orleans.

As I chopped the vegetables and helped get things ready for Mark to cook, Avery and I talked about some of our traditions and about the times we had spent with my parents. While for me the memories are still a brightly burning bulb, Avery's memory is not as bright. She was much younger when we would celebrate Mardi Gras as a family and as we talked she asked questions that filled in some missing pieces to her memories.

These traditions while sometimes daunting to prepare for have helped us stay connected as a family and at the same time we have built memories as well as a foundation for our relationships as a family. Even in the most difficult times we have continued to celebrate these special moments and I believe that some years these links from holiday to holiday and Mardi Gras to Valentines and on to St Patrick's day have been the links that have kept us moving forward. Some years our excitement was limited and our hearts were heavy but the tradition propelled us forward.

Today I stand here a bit heavier from my King Cake and Gumbo binge, but my heart is lighter and my memories more uplifting. Thanks to God's grace I am able to remember the good things and release the difficult memories. This brings new significance to the phrase "Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler" and letting the good times roll seems like the best course of action.

We added some beads and coins to our table that we collected
when we went to Mardi  Gras parades with my parents.

Sign Language

Two weeks ago I began taking American Sign Language. I have wanted to take sign language for some time and my interest increased when my middle daughter Aly took sign language as an independent study class last year. This also prompted my youngest daughter Avery's interest and when the high school began offering it as a course this year Avery signed up. With everyone on board with learning this language I was even more determined to give it a shot.

The class I take is once a week through a small Deaf services office near my home and while it is not as intense as the courses my daughters are in I hope to learn enough to interact with my girls using this language. I was even more intrigued about learning this language when a woman in my class shared that she had had a closed head injury and a stroke and there was concern about early onset dementia, her doctor had recommended that she learn a new language because learning a language opens up new pathways to the brain.

I am always concerned about my brains pathways because I have watched my Granddaddy and my Mom suffer and die from Alzheimer's disease. My Mom lived in fear of getting Alzheimer's and I have often wondered if the fear actually brought it on, if nothing else maybe more quickly for her. I had started to feel the fear of this brain sucking disease building in my mind and realized that the fear would not help keep the illness away, knowledge would.

I forget things and I lose things often and as I age the sense that I may be a chip off the Alzheimer's block has taken control of my common sense. If stress and worry take charge, I could very easily talk myself down a slope that I could avoid if I just focus on making myself a better me. Taking sign language is that focus for me, American Sign Language and reading. I intend to keep forging new pathways for myself and hopefully changing my focus from what I am afraid of, to a new language and a new way of communicating with my girls. By continuing to grow as a person I am giving myself and my brain more to work with and then no matter what, I am leaving this world with more knowledge then I came in to it with.

High Wind Warning

 

I am safely inside today listening to the wind whistle by. The weather people are telling us to be prepared for gusts up to 45 miles an hour and somehow this made me lose interest in grocery shopping. I kept envisioning carts and bags flying at me or worse yet my groceries flying everywhere and decided that there has to be something in this house we can eat that I do not have to risk my life to prepare.

I also have company today since our school district has cancelled school because our dirt roads are covered in ice and are skating rinks. My youngest is busy working on a project for her English class and waiting patiently for me to finish writing so we can watch a movie together. This is the kind of fun you have when the weather changes all your plans.

I am not going to lie to you, after washing sheets making beds, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping and mopping the bathroom and kitchen plus 4 loads of laundry I would like nothing more than to take the rest of the day off, but my brain is busy thinking up a dinner idea and not at all focused on writing. So here I am listening to the wind, trying to be clever and realizing that it is just not going to happen today.

My normal pattern of writing first thing was disrupted when I choose to spend time chatting with my daughter. Once our chat ended I started seeing things I wanted to clean and I just took off! I figured since I was steaming ahead on projects I had wanted to get to, it was best to not lose my mojo. Perhaps some of the wind was caused by my whirling work pace…okay, maybe I am exaggerating.

Anyway I am happy to be inside away from the howling wind and the chance of being blown over. I am also happy to be able to clean my house and spend time with my daughter. The mighty wind can blow all it wants to today my family has food to it eat and a clean house, high wind warning or not life still goes on. I know your right, except for the grocery shopping. I was getting a little smug.

Shoveling a Path

This morning at 5AM our phone rang and we were told school had been cancelled due to the 6 to 8 inches of snow that was covering every road in our town. Looking out the window we could see that we were going to have some work ahead of us when the snow finally stopped. My husband works from home on Fridays, but my oldest daughter works about thirty minutes away and she cannot work from home so she was hurrying to get out the door and give herself enough time to get to work.

I decided that I would go out and clean off her car and shovel a path so that her morning would be a little easier. The snow was deep and heavy, but it did not bother me because I was happy to be giving her a leg up on an already daunting day. Soon we were working side by side to clear her car off. I am a bit anal about that part because I do not like when people drive around with snow piled on their car it looks like the person is driving an igloo. Generally the wind gets hold of a chunk of their mobile igloo and sends it careening at the vehicles behind which makes for a fun few moments as you try to save yourself from being blinded by their snow chunk!

All of this early morning excitement got me thinking about the path I had cleared for my daughter in the snow. Wouldn't it be awesome if you could do that for your children's lives? What if as parents we could see an obstruction or covered path and swoop in and clear it for our kids? We would just whip out our parental shovels and make the path much easier for our children to navigate. This concept would certainly ease my mind. I could just say "Here ya go, go this way I have cleared it for you and it is safe!"

Reality is that making it safe and having them do things our way makes it harder for them to learn life's lessons. As I look back over my life I realize that the times when I felt like my parents may have let me down, I actually grew as a person. I learned how to take care of me and not to expect that others will always jump in. There were some tough times and some hard lessons but when I had nowhere else to turn and I made the call, my Dad was there fixing my furnace or crawling under my house to check a frozen pipe.

Today I shoveled a path for my daughter and I wish that it was that easy to help all of my children, but truth is sometimes wondering off the path and creating your own path helps you find your way. I just hope that I can remember that as I watch each of my children clear the way for themselves. They will never know when they might get a call that changes their day or their life but hopefully they will know who to call when they need a little help clearing the path.

Clenched Teeth

I have noticed in the last week or so that I am clenching my teeth. Honestly this seems like no big deal in the big picture of things that could be wrong, I have faced down much worse. The big question is why? I am going about my normal life (or as normal as my life can be) and I realize that my top teeth and bottom teeth are compacted together. Each time I catch myself in this tooth vice, I find myself thinking "Why are my teeth clenched?"

I think I know. I have been keeping a piece of my life tucked away because honestly right now there is nothing about this issue I can change or at least I think so. I have kept this concern in a bundle tight in my brain. Sometimes I yank it out and share it with friends or my husband. We will talk about it, I stew about my frustration and sometimes even wave my arms in exasperation and then shove it back into my head, where it slowly works its way down into my jaw when I am not paying attention.

The one thing that I have not done with this stress inducing issue is give it to God. I apparently think that I will handle this best and that no help is required. The trouble with that thinking is that I could have a very new profile once my teeth morph into a mangle of teeth, odds are good at this rate there will soon be no definition between top or bottom teeth at all.

Why do I always think that I have a better handle on things if I store them in my head and bandy them about with my family and my friends? Obviously this plan does not seem to work, yet time and time again I push God aside and say "I've got this!" My desire to solve my frustration and hurts without Gods support always brings me back to this moment when I realize my plan is not working. Once again I stand here shaking my head over my lack of trust in my own faith and God's love and support.

The answer to my question "Why are my teeth clenched?" is that I have to let go of what I am holding on to. I must remove it and gently place it in God's hands. I have learned this lesson before and I suspect that it will be a lifelong continuous lesson where I hold on tight and God gently taps me on the shoulder and says "Unclench your teeth and release your troubles to me… I've got this."

The Shield of Love

There are times when we all face a day that before we even step out of the door we are wishing we could just stay in bed. The day is usually filled with an event or events that tighten the back of our necks and make us clench our teeth. This morning my youngest faced that kind of day. Actually this whole week is like that for her.

My baby girl is part of two different groups at school that are running this year's charity week and she feels like she is a spinning top trying to fulfill her obligations, go to her play practice for the spring high school musical and finish her homework. On top of this stress she has two teachers that are running one of the groups she works with that have spent the biggest part of this year belittling and degrading the kids they are working with. Rather than encouraging these kids and building them up these teachers have decided that yelling, telling them how disappointing they are and also basically harshly attacking the kids that have stepped up to work for the good of the school.

Momma bear would like nothing more than to step in and give these two teachers a piece of her mind, however I know that by inserting myself into this already difficult situation I will create a human vortex of misery for my daughter. While stepping up and sharing with these two people that working with fear rather than motivation, may seem like a good choice…in the end it will only backfire and probably make this situation worse.

With that in mind I listened as my daughter shared with me this morning her anxiety about another day with these two screaming memes. She shared that while she tried to remain focused on doing good, it was hard when the people that you would normally go to for support beat you down. We have all had people in our lives that have misunderstood what motivation really is, people who have used force or unkind words and in the end have hurt and broken us and we have limped away wondering about ourselves and feeling depleted. This morning my daughter thought carefully as she spoke about what the remainder of the week might bring with these fear mongers and as she spoke I realized that she was learning a life lesson early on. Here is what she said "I hope that I learn what I am suppose to from this situation and that I do not have to face it again." As she prepared to walk out the door I wrapped her in my arms and said "I am wrapping you in a Love Shield where you will be safe and protected today. I love you!"

With that my daughter went out into the world to learn and grow from a situation that I wish I could take away for her but cannot. Tonight we will review the day and talk her off the ledge if she is feeling like she is on one and hopefully loosen her neck muscles and unclench her teeth. It is hard letting our children go when we know that others do not love and respect them the way they deserve, but once I wrapped her in my Love Shield I knew she could face this down. She believed in herself and she knows above anyone else, I believe in her too.

Mechanical Failure

This morning I am fighting the urge to be completely annoyed. My heart is pounding a little faster and my mood is on the cusp of being bad all because of a mechanical failure. All I wanted this morning was to do some yoga, you know, the calming, work your muscles kind of exercise? I popped the instructional DVD into the player and pushed the button for the TV to switch over to the player and nothing happened. I fiddled and pushed buttons and shut things off and started them back up until my heart rate was equivalent to a good long run. Then I just abandoned the whole yoga idea entirely. Being calm was the goal and instead I am now agitated and snarky. My patience is limited and the sense of peace and feeling of fitness I was seeking have now turned into a Dirty Harryish attitude of "Go ahead, make my day."

Here is the thing, my foe is not a person or an event it is a piece of machinery. Why am I letting it ruin my whole day? I act like I am all evolved and centered and thoughtful and yet one mishap with a DVD player and I throw in the towel and become a menace to all I come in contact with. Apparently, I have found my Achilles heel a large square black box that weighs less then my cat, has taken charge of who I will be today. What is worse is that the DVD player could care less. The darn thing has no feelings and no way of resolving this issue with me, it just sits there staring back at me blinking all the wrong lights and acting like I am the problem…AGH!

How is it that in this life where I have every possible advantage I could be so shallow as to feel cheated and completely aggravated because I cannot get a piece of equipment to work? Wow! I know that I have so many things to be thankful for. I have a great life. I do not have to walk miles and miles for water or go without food. I have warm clothes and a roof over my head. To think that a simple mechanical failure could make me stomp around like nothing will ever be right again is really embarrassing.

Today I have been reminded that sometimes the smallest thing can make a big impact. Each day we are faced with choices to make about who we want to be. Some of these choices are huge and life altering and others are just simple annoyances that can either make or break us. When I really think about what I want my day to be and who I would like to be at the end of this day I realize that a little thing like a DVD player has no place in defining me or my day. I need to quiet my heart rate, take a deep long breath and say to myself in a calm and thoughtful voice, "Go ahead and make this a good day".

Celebrate

I am just going to say it…today is my birthday. Today is a symbol of the day I was brought into this world and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Finally after spending several years trying to work my way through the loss of my parents and all of the issues that arose after they passed, I feel the darkness and sadness lifting and my heart is lighter. It is time to celebrate the resiliency of the human spirit and the ability to find light even in the darkest of places and while I am at it I will celebrate the day God opened heaven's gate and brought me into this world.

There is no way to know when you are knee deep in a life struggle when you will get out of it. There are times when the struggle is so big you think that you are being swallowed whole and looking for even a small slice of happiness seems impossible. I have been to that place and while I know that returning to a better place seems impossible it is not.

Somehow there is a little place in your heart for hope. Some days if for nothing more than a moment you might feel a small spark of light and a tiny bit of hope. These are the things you cling to when life is not what you want it to be. These and the moments that are in our lives to celebrate like birthdays and holidays which are a great way to find hope. Celebration of life and all of its mile markers is what makes each day, month and year special.

I hope that you find your hope today. I also hope you celebrate you a little too. It is easy to forget when you are buried by sadness that there is still lightness and joy out there. That is why that now that I have pulled back the heavy curtain of darkness and I can feel the warmth of joy I am going to seize the day. Today I will celebrate God's greatest gift to me…my challenge, my triumph, my life and the light that has returned.

A special birthday with my mom I was about 5

Brain Waves

This morning at 3:00AM my mind took control, shook me awake and started thinking. The more I tried to stop it the faster my mind worked through what ifs and should haves and these thoughts came from every direction. By 4:00AM I was stirred up, clenching my teeth and tossing and turning hoping each toss or turn would send me back into a deep slumber, but that did not work. Now here I am not feeling rested, completely aggravated, and on edge all because my brain woke up before my body wanted to.

The mind is a tricky thing, it can convince you to say or do things that you know you shouldn't. Your mind can tell you that you don't look good when you do and that you are heavy when you are not. I found myself working hard last night or really early this morning fighting a battle with my brain that I hoped I would win. I just wanted to sleep I did not want to sort through the list of annoying things that I had tucked away.

Honestly nothing was resolved during this morning brain raid except that I am now tired. Part of my tiredness could be from all the task lists I was creating in my head. Lists of things I should and could do that at 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning have no business even being in my head. It was even harder to fall back to sleep once I became focused on raising my head every so often to see if maybe time was really not going by and that my sleep was not slipping (or ticking) away.

There is nothing left to do but sip my coffee and hope that the caffeine shakes me out of this unmotivated fog. This is going to be a long day and I can already tell that my brain waves woke up early but have already gone back to sleep. If I could I would shake those brain waves awake and give them a piece of my mind. Okay, that just made no sense at all! It is probably best that I end this now and put you out of your misery!