Blah Blah Blah

So after all my pontificating about making it through the rough stuff, I have come face to face with a batch (rough stuff) of my own. You know it is always easier to share your wisdom and insight then it is to actually use it. So faced with choices and decisions of my own, I am frozen with worry and wonder. So let me list out my questions…

1. What is the best choice to make?
   
2. Who do I help and who do I hurt by the choice?
   
3. Is this decision for mine or someone else's sake?
   

You never know when you set out on a path of choices where the path will lead, but you do know that at the end there is change, sometimes it is for good and other times…well, that's another batch of rough stuff. That is where the anxiety builds during decision making; is this the right decision or the wrong one? I should probably add that question to my list above. Regardless, now I find myself looking back over all my pontificating about how to handle these situations and all I can think is what a puffed up, self righteous buffoon I am. I am certain that at some point when I have been rambling on about how to handle this stuff it started to sound like blah, blah, blah!

Finding Happiness



Photo borrowed from CNN website



A friend of mine posted on Facebook this morning that she was boycotting watching the Royal Wedding because of all the tragedies in the world. This comment bothered me. Life is short and joy can be fleeting I feel any opportunity to see and experience happiness should be embraced.

 I do understand her point though, when you have seen war and natural disaster pillaging lives, you cannot imagine skipping through those moments singing. The flip side of that though is the moment that joy breaks through. I remember the first time I laughed after my Mom died; someone had shared a funny comment about my Mom, and my heart popped open and welcomed the laugh that bubbled up.

 I find myself drawn to the Royal Wedding because of the joy that is evident for everyone in England. I also find myself watching Catherine and William with hope and anticipation. They seem so happy and their happiness is bringing happiness to others. By choosing not to share in their joy and happiness you do not decrease it for them. You do however miss the opportunity to smile and share that smile with someone else.

 The memory of the first laugh after my Mom passed away continues to spur me towards finding happiness. As I always tell my children, "never miss the opportunity to celebrate yourself and life". Today my nod towards happiness comes from watching young love in a far off country with a double kiss on the palace balcony to seal their lives together. This joy will not take away from all of the events throughout the world. It may just make it a little easier to get through them though. To me life is about making your way through the rough stuff and finding happiness where ever you can.

Staying Positive

As I ran on the treadmill this morning, my IPod started playing "I've got a feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. As I listened to the song I became inspired, I believe it is time to think more positive. This thing with my Aunt Nina has been an emotional drain and if I do not start letting go of this, I am going to be heading to the funny farm.

Right now I have one of two letters I need to get Power of Attorney of my Aunt. The second letter must come from a psychiatrist. This appointment is planned for some time soon. Meanwhile my Aunt is still eating two bites of soup and sips of water. I really think she is attempting starvation. No one else seems to be in a huge hurry to get this situation moving forward, and honestly I am starting to think it is a big scam on my Aunts part.

She is playing possum and we are all falling for it. The question that comes up is, why? Why would someone intentionally act like she is? I have seen her become alert when she has a question or if something is not playing out as she had hoped. The other day I told my Aunt that Mark and I were coming by for the Mothers day Brunch the community she lives in is having this Sunday, her comment was "I want you to come even if I am not well enough to eat". Huh? You are already planning to freak out my kids? Real nice! Aunt Nina was upset yesterday that even though she was not joining in for morning exercise and pretending she was asleep, her favorite caregiver there at the community did not do the exercise class. Now if you are asleep and cannot hear like you keep telling us, how do you know that? My cousin called her the other day and my Aunt hurried to tell her she was losing weight…wasting away. I had to set the record straight with my cousin later. My Aunt is nowhere near the wasting away point.

So, as I ran this morning and I heard the words "I've got a feeling tonight's gonna be a good, good night" I realized that a little positive self talk would go a long way. I need to remind myself that this is just a season and every season has potential. It is what we make of it that counts. Not only is tonight gonna be a good night, I am making today a good day too.

I was going to share the video with you, but after watching the video I decided it was not my cup of tea…so, I will stay positive anyway!

 

In the Dark of Daylight

This morning as I gather my thoughts, a grey thundering sky is pouring rain outside my window. I need this day, I gave my girls the car to drive to school and I sit here enjoying the sound of the rain pouring and the thunder booming. I need this time, to stretch out my feet and then tuck them under a blanket. I need this quiet, to gather my thoughts and figure out what is next and what to do with now.

Somewhere in the dark of daylight today I hope to regroup just a little. I have some busy days ahead and I want to be more calm and focused. Last night my wonderful husband bought me some bubble bath and encouraged me to climb into the tub with a glass of wine and just relax. It has been a long time since I have enjoyed a long hot bath and the time did me some good. I still cannot sleep as soundly as I would like, but I know that soon I will, because anxiety and stress only last so long. This is the ebb in my life flow and I have decided to breathe through it. Today as the clouds gather and the rain pours I am opening up my soul to possibility. I am throwing all the cards on my life's table and looking them over. Maybe later I will take another bubble bath just to reconnect to the calm and relaxation.

As the rain comes down the sky seems to be lightening up and that is what I am hoping for me too. As the weight of the decisions about my Aunt bear down on me, I hope to see the light of what needs to be done and move ahead. I am ready to move out of the dark of daylight and into the bright sunny sky of knowledge and calm. For now, I am satisfied to just sit and hear the rain and breathe through my stress with my warm afghan that my Mom made for me across my lap.

Eyes Bugged Out!

I am not sure what the technical term for this condition is, but I am so on edge, I think my eyes are about to pop out of my head. They feel like they are literally bugging out of my head. I have also lost the ability to talk in a normal tone of voice. I seem to talk quite loud now with a bit of a strained edge tone. In addition my emotional scanner is on over time looking for any sign that someone is judging me about how I am handling things with my Aunt Nina.

Look, here is the thing…I am doing everything I can do to make some head way with this situation while people that have not been in the trenches with us the last five years stand around giving advice. I have been told to be more patient and understanding. I have been told I should get her to the hospital and have her checked out and I have also been told she is fine and to not worry. There are also the people that have tried to call her and have not been able to reach her because she is refusing to answer her phone, that have told me her phone is not close enough and I should move it. There are more pieces of advice, but for now, let me try to set the record straight on these points.

I have been patient, I have been understanding, but right now I am beside myself with worry and frustration. I do not barge into my Aunts room and act like Attila the Hun, I speak to her kindly and clearly. I have stroked her hair and told her how worried I am and how important she is to us, but now when I visit she closes her eyes and pretends to sleep. This is not conducive to a full understanding between my Aunt and me nor is it easy for others to recognize the effort when they are not even in the room.

I would love to send my Aunt to the hospital and have her checked out, but she screamed bloody murder and shoved her feet into the ground to keep the EMS workers from taking her out to the hospital. Regardless of my letter that states she is emotionally and physically incapacitated, I still want to honor her wishes. I do not know how to take her power away and still have her desire to live. She is already trying to wish her death upon herself and my making her go to the hospital is only going to make her want to live less. This is a fine line I am walking and I am very afraid of falling.

Mark and I have both tried to move her phone closer to her. We have tried offering to put her phone on a chair near her bed and she did not want us to do that, we have tried moving her night stand closer to her bed and she has still not shown any interest in talking on the phone. I cannot force a grown woman to answer her phone and I have tried to encourage her to talk with people to no avail. I am her great niece, not her mother…I already have three children.

I am tossing and turning at night unable to sleep, worrying about what the right thing to do for her is. I wake up with bugged out eyes and a tightness in the back of my neck wondering if today is the day I go off the deep end. I have determined that my life cycle will always include an annual traumatic event since in the last five years we have literally dealt with my cousin Dana dying, which is when Aunt Nina had her heart attack and Mark and I began to care for her. Then I had my hysterectomy due to concerns of Cancer in my future, the following year Mark had Angioplasty because of a 99% blockage. Then the following year Aunt Nina went back in the hospital with more health concerns and ended up in a recovery center. Then My Mom died, and a year later my Dad died. Trauma is my name and bugged out eyes is my game!

Wow, What a Weekend!

Saturday was a very busy day! With a morning full of preparations for our dinner with family and Ashleigh and Scott arriving in the afternoon, church at 3:00 PM and then the actual dinner for 7 adults and 6 children afterward…phew, I was spent!

Yesterday was a little lighter.
I made Easter breakfast for the family, waved good bye to Ashleigh and Scott, and prepared to head out to see Aunt Nina and then dinner with my dear friend Teresa and her family. Aunt Nina, decided once we were there to pretend she was sleeping. After about 20 minutes of watching her closed eyes flutter, Mark and I hit the road. I am beyond frustrated with this situation and really do not know where to go from here with her. On Friday she was visited by a social worker, so I will call her today to see if she has any suggestions on where to go from here.

All in all a good weekend filled with time with family and friends. My girls have today off of school, so I hope to spend some time with them. Maybe a movie, or a little shopping, but something fun that we can do together. I need a short hiatus from the worry of my Aunt. Just a little something to keep me focused on the positive. Honestly, Saturday was no different than any other day here lately, we are constantly on the go, and May does not look like it will be any different, so I guess I will just enjoy each day as it comes. Maybe instead of saying Saturday was a busy day, I should just say, Saturday was another typical day here at our house.

Remain Calm

It is Easter weekend and today is Good Friday. Tomorrow is our Church Easter service and afterword, my sister, Kelie and her family, my good friend Theresa and her son plus Scott and Ashleigh will be coming over for dinner. I am excited but frantic. I have many things to do and not much time to accomplish them all.

I have an Easter egg hunt prepared for my sister's little boys, and a yummy meal that I am working on. I want everyone to come relax and enjoy each other's company, but there is this nagging thing in the back of my brain, I want everything to be perfect. I keep adding more and more to my list of things to accomplish that will make the day even better and it is possible now that I will not be able to complete every detail. There was one who walked among us that was perfect and has the title of greatest man in history. I know I cannot compete with that, yet I always want to pile on myself about how I am not good enough or not doing enough. I am not perfect.

My saving grace was on Tuesday as I described to my sister my frustration with wanting to get everything done for my dinner and having to battle with Aunt Nina and run back and forth to be with her. That is when Kelie said "Ragen we are coming to see you and your family, we are not worried about what you have done or not done." While her words were the truth, I continue to repeat them to myself as I cross things off my list and add more things to it. So today, I will remain calm and slowly make my way through my list and try very hard to not add any more to it. This weekend is about celebrating the rising of Jesus from the tomb, not how much I accomplished before my company came…I will remain calm…I will remain calm

Greatest man in history named Jesus, had no servants, yet they called him Master. Had no degree, yet they called him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called him Healer. He had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him... He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. (Borrowed from Facebook)