Waking Up in a New Place

The other day I realized that I have been waking up in a new mental place. After years of sadness, grief and anger over losing my Mom and all of the things that transpired when my Dad remarried twelve seconds later (exaggeration) and then died leaving his half of the family trust to his new wife, I have let the wintery mix of emotions go.

It was not a conscious release, which is probably best. I think the fact that the thoughts and feelings slowly dissipated is more healing then if I had suddenly thrown off the feeling like I would do with a blanket when I am too hot. Slowly over time, the feeling rose up and slowly and quietly left me in peace.

Having all the grief leave me, does not mean I am back to my old self, but it does mean that I can laugh a little more easily and seek a little more joy without feeling the ache of loss and the burn of sadness. It amazes me how people learn to adjust to what seems at the time an un-adjustable situation. In the middle of what feels like the worst place to be our hearts slowly start to turn.

I have longed for the feeling of optimism that once was a huge part of who I was, but as I have woken from the wintery emotional mix I have discovered that while I am still an optimistic person I am more cautious and less likely to except the feeling of discontent. I want nothing more than to pop the person with the bad attitude or malcontent in the nose or even better to tell them to snap out of it! I have no patience for anyone that makes everything in life hard work. Life is hard enough let’s just grab a shot at some joy when we have the chance.

While the ridiculous estate battle is still waging, we have turned a corner and hopefully we can move past it soon. However it is no longer pressing down on me as it once was. There will be no winners in this. There never really is when you are dealing with money and all of the emotion it brings up. This event is now just a moment in time…a blip on the screen. I have family and friends to spend time with and enjoy and no matter how overwhelming one day feels the next day I still wake up in a new place, a GREAT place. Time does heal all wounds, when we let it.

Avoidance

Years ago, when I was a single mom I put myself in a financial pickle. I would get my mail and any bills would just go into a stack. Eventually I would pay them but most times it was almost too late and many times it was too late. In my mind as long as it was not open, it was not a problem. Honestly in my defense, I may have learned this technique from my mom.

I may have told you this story before, but when I was about 9 or 10 years old my mom and I were walking through the mall and there was a booth selling items from India. My mom purchased fabric to make herself a Sari and some lovely shoes made with gold thread that had the curl at the end of the toe (picture Aladdin). She informed me at the time, that instead of paying the phone bill she decided to buy the sari fabric and the shoes.  Our phone was shut off, no surprise.

In time I sought help from a credit counselor and got it together, realizing that I had more stress from wondering about the bills instead of just opening them and budgeting for them. However, I may not have completely cured myself of avoiding things that I do not want to deal with. My cat Emeril has been sick for some time. Let me put it this way he has more coming out of his tummy then what he keeps in it. I am constantly cleaning up after him. My little home carpet cleaner is getting quite a workout. The trouble is that although I know he needs to go to the doctor, I am avoiding it. I am also making more work for myself. I feel like if I do take him they will tell me there is something really wrong with him and I know I just cannot take that news.

So that is how selfish I am. I am more worried about how I will feel then I am about his health and until just now sharing this story with you I had lost the ability to use good judgment. I have been using my long gone technique of avoiding and until just a few minutes ago it had been working very well. Now suddenly I am tossed into this melting pot of guilt and shame blended with a sharp note self-loathing.

Avoiding seems like such a great plan when you first start out and then somewhere in the middle of it you realize you are burying yourself alive with choices that could be different if you just face facts. I know better and I know I can do better. I owe my furry friend more then to just ignore his illness. Today I am putting on my big girl panties and moving past my personal road block. I am going to call the vet and make an appointment for Emeril. That’s what responsible pet owners do for the fur-ever friends.

Avoiding really just turns into another problem altogether. It adds stress and guilt and sometimes makes a small problem an even bigger one. I cannot keep throwing my cats illness in the pile and avoiding it, no matter where I learned this method it is time to stop and be responsible. Avoidance just is not the answer.

FASHIONISTA

I am the mother of three girls. As such, I find myself constantly balanced on the leading edge of fashion. Each of my girls has their own style and they wear it well. My youngest has always been fairly laid back about fashion and has shunned any current trends. Her interest in a particular style or fashion idea would last momentarily and then she would head back to her jeans and comfy shirt...until now.

Last night when I joined her in her room to help her plot out her outfits for the coming weekends events, I realized that she is being buried alive by hand me downs from both of her sisters and clothes she has outgrown. She also is so tender hearted that when I asked why she would except some of these items when they clearly A. Did not fit or B. they were worn out, she replied " I did not want to hurt their feelings".

Baby girl cannot even think about becoming a fashionista because she is busy being the guardian of unwanted clothing. Every time she gets dressed, she has to shuffle through drawers and a closet full of items that are not fit to wear. I spent most of the evening removing things from her closet and assuring her that she does not have to accept every piece of clothing set at her bedroom door.

Avery has hit the age where she is ready to find her own style and become her own person but when she gets dressed she looks in the mirror and sees herself in her sisters clothes and not her true vision of who she is. The hard part of all of these revelations is that Avery does not like to shop. At least not for long periods of time. This can really throw a curve ball at any fashionista since being fashionable requires shopping for fashion.

For the time being we are going to focus on clearing out the Hand-Me-Down mountain so that she can start at ground zero and build a wardrobe that better represents how she feels and who she is. The next obstacle will involve actually shopping. When she was younger I would have her cut out pictures of things she needed to remember for school and glue them to paper. I am thinking that she could use the same idea and clip and paste clothing ideas online so that she has a data bank of what she would like to look for. Maybe I am crazy, but I think it would make her shopping less overwhelming and stressful.

I realize that the world has much bigger issues at hand then a teenage girl's fashion woes, but in a house full of girls this is considered an emergency! Any self respecting mother of future women knows to answer this emergency call and I am on it...Never fear Momma Fashionista is here!!




Just a quick note that I am emailing my blog in this morning just in case it looks a little different.



Sent from my iPad

Not Bad For...

So yesterday my sister sent me a text and as part of the text she added “Not bad for an old broad”. That is a statement my Mom used to make all the time and it drove me crazy! It also does not help that said sister is about seven years younger than me! She is actually bringing the whole team down with her comment. My thought process is this, if you are what you eat, is it possible you are also what you think?

Can you age yourself by referring to yourself as old? I have friends that call themselves old on different occasions and since many of my friends are younger than me it grates on me. I realize that I am aging, but I do not intend to be old. My point is this, while my body is fervently working to make its way through life’s process all the way to the end, does that mean my mind and spirit must age as well? Could old just be a state of mind?

Why bow to the number in years and give up, when we could be learning and growing and staying current with the times. There is technology that changes daily and music of every type available. How it is possible that we could stay stuck in an age/number when we are thrust forward each day with new ideas is hard to comprehend. I honestly think change is good. Changes in clothes, food, and environment are all important in keeping us young
emotionally even when our body is making other plans.

I am not giving in on this. While there are definite signs that my body is trying to make a run for it, I am not going to stop thinking young. There is so much life left to be lived and my plan is to soak up as much of it as I can. As I soak it up, I also plan on enjoying every minute. Mind you it is not always easy, especially when your kids want to remind you just how uncool you really are, but I know that someday they will be in my shoes and look back and hopefully finally understand what I was up to. While they assume that I am trying to embarrass them or they think I look silly, I am really just teaching them to grab ahold of life and swing from its vine!

After all…we have one shot at this life thing, so why should we give up in the middle of it and coast? Today I ask that you cut yourself some slack. Look less in the mirror and more into your heart and mind and please do not refer to yourself as OLD! It suits no purpose and diminishes you and me. Remind yourself every chance you get that you are what you think you are and take a moment to breath into your mind and spirit the youthful life around you.

 

Reconciling Loss

As I wrote about being a mom yesterday a friend of mine was sitting with her mom watching her fight her last battle with Cancer. Cancer won again.

My heart hurts for my friend knowing that losing my Mom was one of the most difficult things I have ever worked my way through. While many times my Mom and I were not of the same mind, she was my Mom. I think like her, I joke like her and to some, I look like a tall version of her. I remember her every day.

I think of something quirky and funny and I laugh knowing my Mom would have laughed too. I listen to calming classical music knowing my Mom taught me to love the grace and beauty of the instruments flowing together. I see a picture and remember the moments we had together. Mostly though, I see her in my children, in each of them there is a little seed of my Mom that is blooming. In time those seeds will be passed on to the next generation mixed with moments that I have had with my children and quirks that I have given my children.

Suddenly within the loss, you find hope. Once I let go of the hurt and sadness of my loss I learned to embrace the memories and moments that danced in my mind. Now I feel my Mom with me. We were so different yet so much alike and I am the only one that really knows the subtle nuances of the relationship we had. I am free to release the sad times and the hurt and focus only on my love for her and the gifts that she gave me. But that came in time, after I had stitched up the wound of my loss and the pain of wishing things could have been different. Reconciling loss takes time.

One day you will find yourself smile as you remember a moment in a room where you once stood together and laughed. You’ll feel the warm morning sun and sense the feel of a hug and know that she is there with you. You will grow her favorite flowers or make her favorite food and feel united once again if only for a moment.

My friend, I know how much this hurts and I know that it feels like the pain will never stop. You are feeling longing to share one last word and hug. You want so badly to hear her voice…her mom voice, the one that always put you at ease and came with a loving hug and if you are like me, you just want to know that now she is ok and all her pain is gone. You must trust that she is now safely in God’s arms and that her heart is always there for you. Your mom is now a bigger part of who YOU are.

Cancer may have won this battle, but it cannot beat your spirit. You will smile again and laugh too, but first you will cry and wonder why. You will struggle with the day to day tasks that seem senseless and silly. You may even wonder at how people can get up and go each day when you do not have the strength, but trust me one day when you least expect it you will remember your mom and smile.

Sick Day

I dedicate my post today to all the Mom's who are not feeling well. I myself have had my days of illness and I know how tough it is. Let me walk you through a sick day for one of my children or husband. They go like this.

1. I establish a sick zone, usually the couch with a sheet over it and a pillow with a fresh pillow case.
2. I hand over the remote to said sick person and they become captain of the couch watching inane shows on television that make my head want to pop off.
3. I have water, ginger ale and soup at the ready along with oyster crackers or saltines.
4. I remain at the beck and call of the sick person for the duration, which includes nights and weekends.

Now lets walk through a day of my being sick:

1. I wake up a little later hoping everyone gets off okay and doing my best to remind everyone of any necessary belongings that should not be left behind.
2. I slog out to the couch and plop down as my mind works thorough what I have in the house that will make an easy dinner.
3. I feed the dogs and take them out.
4. I try to do laundry.
5. I search for soup or something to eat for lunch.
6. I have a mini pity party.
7. I let the dogs out AGAIN!
8. I suggest leftovers or something easy for the family dinner all the while feeling guilt and hoping no one goes hungry.
9. I watch some inane show on television.
10. I go to bed and hope that tomorrow I feel well enough to rejoin the world.

Mothering is my job, I take great pride and joy in it, I know that no other person can do for me what I do for my family and I do not expect them to...okay that part is a lie, it would be nice to get a little sick day tender loving care, but the truth is I really want everyone to keep moving forward and that's why I do what I do. It is no easy task taking care of a family and as Mom's we can only hope that what we do for the family when they are sick, they learn to do for someone else one day. I guess you have to consider mothering a Pay It Forward program. There is no other way to reconcile the hours of time and energy invested. We (Mom's) all know that our value far exceeds our actual pay but the benefits of love and genuine appreciation (no matter how small) make it worth it in the end. Lets face it we Mom's are awesome and just anyone can not step up and do what we do. If that means that I do not get a top notch sick day, then I guess I can let that go...not easily, but I can let it go.

Getting Back at It!

My goal is to start writing again. I make no promises, but my hope is that I will settle back in and bore you with what is going on here once again.

As of today Aly my college student is back on campus after her Christmas break and starting her second semester of college. Avery is back at her high school looking at the downhill slope of her junior year and Ashleigh my oldest and my husband Mark have gone to work. I am ALONE! Sweet quiet except for the washer and dryer working away. I am not worrying about anyone sleeping too late or who will need a car or what every ones plans are today, I am just enjoying being here in my nest all alone.

This morning I am propped at my family computer having handed my little notebook computer off to a friend that has technology savvy sons. My computer became slower and slower and it was in jeopardy of being tossed across the room. For it's own safety I sent it away into capable hands that will hopefully figure out what has taken a hold of it. I am grateful for those who have the ability to understand the inner workings of this amazing technology.

In the midst of my glee over being alone, I am also struggling with the disappointment that an enrichment class in American Sign Language that I was looking forward to taking at our local college has been canceled. I as usual blabbed to anyone that would listen about this class I was going to take and now I sit here feeling foolish and sad. I was looking forward to trying something new and stretching my personal boundaries a little. Instead I am now thinking I should skip the enrichment class and sign up for college...I know I laugh when I read that too! Me...SCHOOL?? Hmmmm or just let it go and move on to the next hair brain scheme.

My family continues to remind me that many of my ideas for self improvement and enrichment, including being employed never actually end well. I am generally very happy staying close to home and following my routine. I thought this class would shake things up for me a little and get me out of my box. Now I find myself climbing back into my box and getting comfortable...very comfortable!

 My youngest has made it clear that she does not need or want my input on things that are coming up for her so maybe its time for me to step back and focus on what I need and want. This is a foreign idea for me. I have focused on someone besides myself for almost 30 years and letting go does not look promising, but I am willing to try. I can at least go to the college and ask some questions, what can it hurt? I of course will put that off until tomorrow so that I can enjoy my solitude for today. I mean really, I do have my priorities!