Day 264 The Perfect Mom Project

The phone rang around 10:00PM last night with the news that the woman my Dad had married has decided not to come to his memorial now, because it will be too uncomfortable. Instead her Mom might come in her place. That seems odd to me, but nothing has been ordinary in a long time. It has relieved a small amount of stress for me knowing that I will not have to go toe to toe with her. However, I still have to go to this memorial; I do not get to opt out because of my discomfort.

I have watched the choices that my Dad has made over the last year (based on his relationship with this woman) rip my family apart. He disrespected his wife (my Mom) before she died by stepping into the relationship with this woman and he continued the year by making financial choices that were hurtful and disrespectful to my now dead Mom and iced the pain cake by marrying this woman that he was in relationship with, four months before he died. Now we are all here looking out onto this battlefield full of wreckage, family relationships ruined or strained, distrust and hurt everywhere, family heirlooms and pictures tossed like trash. I just want it all to end, and at least for now there is no end in sight. Somehow we have to find a way to get through all of this including tomorrows memorial service for my Dad, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Is it possible that he was not in his right mind? How could he have believed that he was so wonderful and deserved so much happiness, that he could hurt the children he created so badly that they will be scarred for life? How could he give away heirlooms from my grandparents, to people I do not even know, and then be angry with me, because I chose to take items that had emotional value without showing them to him for approval. To me the biggest question will always be how could you treat your children with such disrespect? How could you possibly think that you deserved happiness anymore than the rest of us? If that was his right mind, than he was crazy from the start and now I find myself sifting through the last 28 years with him, looking at all of the damage that he has done.

The flipside of all of this is that somehow I have married a wonderful supportive and caring man. I have three beautiful daughters who I love with all of my heart and I live a great life. I want to get back to what my normal is and I also want to be the person I was a year ago when all of this started. I am hoping that the journey back will not be long. There is also a part of me that hopes that tomorrow's memorial service is healing. Taking the time to sit with family and friends and hear good heartfelt stories about my Dad, stories about who he once was and not who he became may help us reflect more easily on him. Only time can heal all of us now, Dad is gone, my Mom is gone and life for us here must go on.

Day 263 The Perfect Mom Project

Last May I made a picture board for my Mom's memorial service. It had pictures of my Mom when she was a little girl and a young woman and pictures of her with me when I was a little girl and a young woman. There were also pictures of my Mom with my children and my Dad. I still have that picture board; I have not removed any of the photos. The board has sat in a corner of my basement, since I could not bring myself to do anything with it.
Maybe in a way it is because I feel once I put those photos away, Mom is really gone.

Now, this week I have been pulling some of the pictures off for my sister to use in a slide show for my Dad. Each picture I have pulled off has been like pulling off a band aid, there is a little pain and some scabbing. I have been going through so many photos of the years that have past and trying to find where I fit in. At this point in my life I need to just be at peace with the life that is behind me. My hope is that after the memorial on Saturday, I can let the past go and move on. There is never going to be a perfect picture.

 I had a cousin tell me yesterday that she guessed my Dad could be hard and sometimes cruel in his dealings with people just like his Mother had been. It was like someone had pulled back a curtain, and given me a peek into my Dads world. I had never heard that about my Dad's Mom before and it helped me see him as a product of a life I knew nothing about…his childhood. Suddenly, I saw him as someone just trying to make their way in the world using the skills that they were given. They were not great, or even good skills, but that's who he was. He did not know how to be anything else.

 I am going to keep these pictures of my Dad out for a few more days and then I am going to put them away. I am ready to step away from the hurt he has caused at least for now. I know that in the weeks to come as things are sorted out, there may be more surprises uncovered, and I am bracing myself for what he might have done in his race to "be happy" after my Mom died. As for the memory board with my Mom's photos on it, I am hoping to put them together in an album, but I cannot say when that will happen. Perhaps sometime this summer I will be able finally remove each of those band aids from the board and finally heal.

Day 262 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was another day of just being a Mom. As I sent Avery off to school we already had a plan in place for her to go to the doctor. She has not felt well the last few days, and with this being the end of the year, she needs to be on her game and ready for all the final tests. She did not want to miss her first hour class, so I asked her to call me after the class and I would let her know what time the appointment was and when I would pick her up. I was able to make the appointment for after school, so I let her know that and we hung up. Later, she called me back and told me she could not hold out till after school, would I come and get her, so that is what I did.

 Now mind you it poured rain all day, so I pretty much felt like a drowned rat, as I ran into the school, then ran her to the car, ran into the doctor and then ran out, then ran into the store for the prescription and then ran out again back into the rain. Oh, and I also ran out and picked up ingredients for homemade Chicken soup, hoping to make something healthy and tasty for Avery's dinner. It hit me later in the day that I was just being a Mom. Other than being soaked through, which was not pleasant, I was happy to take care of my daughter and help her get better.

 I have been struggling lately with what or who I am. I am feeling so out of place and sad with all of the things that have happened over the last few months with my Dad and sisters. I have lost track of who I really am. I have lost the confidence in myself and the drive to participate in many things. Even simple everyday tasks have been difficult for me to accomplish. I have even gone so far as to think of myself as nothing, with no purpose and no talent, not particularly bright or even useful. There have been times when the girls have been upset with me and said hurtful things and I have thought they were right. This is not who I once was. I have been stomped down by the boot of this last year and I am having a hard time pulling myself back up.

 That is why yesterday was so important. I had no choice, I had to be Mom. I had a job to do, that no one else can do, and I had to help my daughter feel better. Nothing else mattered. I have a long way back to the me I use to be, but every journey begins with a single step, and I hope that the step I took yesterday will help get me back there.

Day 261 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night we attended honors night at the high school. Aly received an award for her grades this year and she also received an award for choir. It was a proud moment as we watched her walk up and receive her awards. Aly has worked hard this year and she needed this affirmation of her hard work.

 Aly and I have been butting heads lately and I sense her need to grow up and be her own person. I am not sure why, but it seems like when your kids are spreading their wings they are slapping you in the face with them. I have had to say more than once lately that she had better watch her mouth. The hard part is that in order to grow up she has to do all the things she is doing. Fight with me, her dad and her sister. Be depressed one minute and happy the next. Be bored, act bored and say she is bored about things that do not relate to her. And most of all talk back, which is my favorite.

 Last night I told her that I was done with her mouth and she needed to watch how she talked to me. Her reply almost brought me out of my chair, she said "Maybe you should watch how you talk to me too." There was a moment when I sincerely thought about giving her a good spanking, but I knew it would not buy me anything except a sore hand and a lot of guilt. I did however recommend to her that she go to her room as quickly as she could. After she left the room I sat there wondering what my best course of action would be and decided that it was time for a chat. I called Aly out and she sat down and I just told her that I did not know what was going on, but it needed to stop. She shared with me that she has been annoyed by everyone including her friends. She is frustrated because she does not know what is wrong.

 Thinking back at that moment I remembered feeling like that (sometimes even now), and I remembered Ashleigh going through that too. I asked her to come and sit next to me and I put my arm around her. That's when I told her that she was right on track with most kids her age. I can only guess if she took a survey of most of her friends, they would all say they felt a lot of the same feelings. I told her she was normal, or as normal as anyone can be. I wondered if that was what had been bothering her; did she think there was something wrong with her. Then she told me she thought she had Attention Deficit Disorder and I told her that if she did she was managing it very well, since she was just honored for her grades. At that point she smiled and laughed and we hugged, which was way better then the chasing her and spanking her that I had considered earlier. It felt good to have a little bit of normal back in my life, even if it meant I had to have it out with Aly. It was a nice reminder that life goes on.

Day 260 The Perfect Mom Project

This project has become less about perfecting my motherhood and more about just surviving. I am desperate to stay focused on my family and the things I need to do here, but my mind keeps slipping back towards all of the things that have happened in the last few months. These things I know for sure:

 My husband loves me and supports me, and hands down he is my best friend

 I have great kids and I am sure they love me despite the fact that they think I'm nuts

 I have the greatest friends that love me and support me, and go along with my crazy schemes

 My home is my haven and my heart grows strong here

 My dog loves me

 Nothing and no one can change me, changing will be my choice.

 Words can only do damage when we allow them too

 Who I am, is who I will always be with a few small renovations from time to time

 I love to laugh

 Mothering is what I like to do and I am lucky to have been blessed with the job

My life is very good

Day 259 The Perfect Mom Project

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is the day that perfect Mom's look forward to. The day we are celebrated and doted on all day! OK, since I am still working toward perfection, it will just be a special day with some love thrown in for good measure. The doting will be minimal.

It is a wonderful day just because all three girls are here with me. No real pressure to celebrate, just relaxing and talking and reminiscing about our times together and family that has passed. We are just sitting in our jammies taking it easy and enjoying each other. I like my life. Today, we will focus on the positive and not dwell on the hurt and sadness. There will be a long week ahead preparing for the memorial for my Dad next Saturday.

I will just enjoy today and be happy for the wonderful family that I have, I am truly blessed. I do hope I can have a photo taken today with all of my girls, it has been a long time since we have done that. A photo with my girls will be a fabulous reminder of the great life I have. It will also be a great memory in the years to come. Happy Mother's day!

 

Day 258 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo...some time out with Aunt Nina 2008

My youngest Avery called last night to tell us how much fun she was having on her school trip to Chicago. She thanked us for "letting" her go and told as antidotes about her day. It was great to hear her voice and feel her excitement at being on her own without Mom and Dad. When Aly got home from school yesterday, she had a snack, checked her Facebook (an absolute must) and then prepared to go to her friends for a sleepover party. Mark and I dropped her off at her friend's house, and then we were alone.

 Our lives are changing quickly now; Aly is just a couple of months away from getting her driver's license and Avery will be joining her in high school next year. Mark and I will be alone together much more often as the girls become involved in school activities, start driving and getting (hopefully at some point) jobs. Mark and I will be living a new normal. I am looking forward to these new horizons. I have loved the hands on years, making Halloween costumes and birthday cupcakes for school and being on the PTO. Now I am excited to see what becomes of a Mom who is working her way out of a job. What direction will I take now? I can choose many paths; it is just up to me which one. Whatever path I take, I plan to keep a shortcut open to my girls. They are absolutely the three best things I have ever made from scratch. Mark and I will enjoy our alone time, no doubt about that, but our time with our girls is great too.

 Today Aly and I will be going to a Mother's day brunch with my Aunt Nina. They are having this event at her Senior Community and I am looking forward to sharing this time with her. It will be good to be with my Aunt and hear her all too familiar stories. All I really want right now is a slice of normal with a little scoop of being anxiety free on the side. If it means that I spend time with my aunt, I will take it! By the end of the evening tonight, I will have all my girls back home under the same roof, with Avery coming home from Chicago and Ashleigh and Scott coming to visit. Being alone with Mark is fabulous, but having my girls around me is just the slice of normal I need right now.