Day 220 The Perfect Mom Project

What is your purpose? There are websites all over the web ready to tell you, there are also shelves and shelves of books too, but I think you need to be your own detective on this subject.

When Ashleigh was born I was convinced that my purpose here on earth was to raise Ashleigh into greatness. It was nothing like the Virgin Mary, raising Jesus. It was more that I had no idea who I was and having my baby gave me a direction. It was sort of like my, ah ha moment. "Oh, I know, I will be a Mom!" That is how I have moved through the world for the last 26 years; as a mom. Now comes this question on the radio; what is your purpose? The question came from Maya Angelou no less and I am now compelled to answer it. Where do I begin though?

I have no interest in paying money for a web course or even reading a book about finding my purpose. I cannot imagine that anyone else, (who I do not know) will be able to find my purpose. That is my job. I also do not think that it is even something lofty. I am sure that whatever my purpose is, it is small, but big at the same time. My purpose could be as simple as the wind in someone's sails. My small push gets someone off in the right direction. Maybe even propels them to greatness…you just never know. Whatever it is, I hope that I can discover it soon, because each time I hear Maya Angelou ask the question; what is your purpose? I feel like I am not enlightened or fulfilled enough to get it yet. I just want to be able to smile and nod like all of the others that know there purpose and are following their destinies.

For today, my purpose is to be the best wife and friend, and mom I can be. I can be the shoulder for my friend to lean on and the shield to protect anyone who needs me. Today, my purpose is to squeeze every drop of life out of each moment, and enjoy this gift of living. I don't know that seems like a good start, what do you think? Oh, and by the way…What is your purpose?

Day 219 The Perfect Mom Project

I turned on the radio yesterday and there was an interviewer talking with a teen vogue blog editor. She writes a teen relationship column and was talking about a variety of relationships. One being mother and daughter. She also mentioned that most girls struggle with being "good". Girls are always trying to fit into the good category, or behave so to speak. Teen girls biggest issues are fitting in, being liked and worrying about being good.

This editor suggested that teen girls worry so much, when their mom does something out of the ordinary, because it embarrasses them. Something as simple as sending back food because it is cold can put a teenage girl into a tail spin, because it is embarrassing. The teen girl perceives it as not normal and drawing attention to them is like creating trouble. This apparently is very uncomfortable for most teen girls, being called out as different in any way. The editor recommended that moms do their daughters a favor and keep it up, because it helps them feel comfortable speaking up for themselves later in life. They are not worried later when they are older about speaking out, because it was modeled for them by their mom. They learn from their moms how to behave when they get older, so if we cave in and try not to embarrass them they will be more uncomfortable later being who they really are.

First of all, PHEW! That makes me feel a lot better, because I come from a long line of moms who modeled speaking their mind. I actually feel pretty good that I have daughters (if they are watching closely enough) who will be prepared to take on just about anything with confidence. Second of all I thought about how lucky I have been to have that gift of self care. I am not really sure how I got it, but I have it and I am glad. I have always been good about knowing my needs and trying to take care of myself. I know when to speak up (sometimes I don't know when to shut up), I know how to get what I need, and I also know that when you are faced with a confrontation either hostile or not. You should always leave the other person still respecting you (that part I have figured out late in life).

This is a huge leap for a person that in her early adult life did not have the confidence to walk into a restaurant alone. I basically was a walking advertisement for personal discomfort. If just being myself will help my girls have more confidence later then dog gone it, I am going to do it. You know…this perfect mom thing, might be coming back to me. Oh, that's right, the other thing this woman said was that we as moms need to stop living the illusion that we must be perfect, it is unobtainable and it makes the fantasy live on in our girls. Then they struggle with how to be a perfect mom and there is no such thing. Great, now she tells me! Well, don't worry, I do not care what she says, I am still going to plug away at this project of mine. I am too far into it to give it up now. I do know that I run the chance of perpetuating the myth of perfect momdom, but I am committed to this project and I want to teach my girls about following through. I know what you are thinking…what a great (not perfect) mom, right?

Day 218 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night I received a very kind email from a dear friend. She shared with me that she had been reading my blogs lately and she could sense my stress and frustration. She said some very encouraging words and then she told me about an enlightening revelation that she had that very day when she read about Wabi sabi. Wabi sabi is Japanese and the idea is that imperfections are a very important part of the overall picture in life and in art.

 Here is a portion of what she wrote to me;
"I'm going to repeat a few of the lines that explain things. It originates in Japan and is said to describe the beauty to be found in imperfection. Wabi Sabi recognizes that all of life is in a constant state of change and that decay is as much a part of life as growth. The concept originated in 16th century Japan with a tea ceremony, a ritual that provided a way to step out of the chaos of daily life and reconnect with that which was simple and tranquil. It is said that Japanese artists will often leave subtle fractures in the glaze of a vase or a rough surface on a bowl as a reminder of the wabi sabi nature of life."


"There was a paragraph that hit me after reading your last week or so of entries. It says Wabi sabi doesn't mean settling for less than you deserve, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't work to improve your situation. Instead it's about balance and contentment rather than striving for the unattainable. It encourages us to accept our own flaws as well. I know that my moments of joy will pass, but so will my pains and sorrows. I will try to live them, learn their lessons and let them go."


Her comments went straight to my heart. It was like I had received this very special gift and each word was another piece of tissue I was pulling open until I got to the inner gift. That is, that I am OK just as I am. I can only be what I am now, and if I see that it's not working for me I can work towards enlightened change, as long as I understand that sometimes the imperfections are a part of the beauty.


I am blessed to have been handed a kind reminder from a dear friend that it is OK to not always be on your game. That sometimes the misstep or problem is the better part of the journey. As I look back over many of the journeys in my life I see that. If it had not been for my failed first marriage, I would not have my beautiful daughter Ashleigh, and I would not know how to pick myself up and dust myself off, and move on. If my Mom had not sent me away from home at the young age of 14, I would not be the person I am today. It was a difficult time in my life, but it opened up the world to me, and that would have never happened if I had stayed at home. If I did not mess up with my girls from time to time, I would not have the opportunity to apologize to them and open my heart for them to see who I really am.

 I am an imperfect person, who loves life and people. I look for the fun in everything I do and I sometimes become trapped in frustration over wanting to please so many and not being able too. Some call me friend, some call daughter, some call me niece and some call me wife or mom, but whoever they are they all need to know that I do try and with this new perspective of Wabi sabi, I think that just might have to be good enough. Thanks, Kim

Day 217 The Perfect Mom Project

I completely lost it yesterday. The thread that I was hanging from unraveled and I had nothing left to hang on to. I probably undid 216 days of this project. There is no use even explaining it all, all I can say is it was not pretty. After trying to hold it together, all it took was trying to get my family to start getting their stuff together for our upcoming trip and BAM, my tension ratcheted up and I lost it.

I just did not want one more thing to do. I do not want to be dealing with what they are bringing and what they need, 4 days before, or even (typically) 1 day before we go. I just want them all set, and I do not want to worry about it. Every time I look at my plate right now it is full. I cannot handle one more thing and yet my life just does not get it, because somehow I must squeeze more on the plate. I am going to have to get a platter to put everything on. It seems so silly that something as simple as getting my family to pack for a trip would unravel my thread. Perhaps it is just a symptom of the bigger problem. I am overwhelmed.

All I care about now is how do I fix this emotional mess I have made? Mark tells me we need to have a family meeting and discuss each family member's responsibilities for getting ready to go. He wants everyone to take care of themselves, and then all of the other items we will disburse at the meeting. Alright, that sounds good, but what about my issue with feeling like I have to make sure everyone is all set? What about the fact that I am the Mom and my job is taking care of everyone? At least, that is what I have been telling myself for the last 26 some odd years of parenting that I have had. I am starting to wonder if some of the mom rules I have for myself grew out of the fantasy of what a Mom should be like. My own Mom was not the example of mothering that I used, I can only assume that I have taken bits and pieces from friend's moms and maybe even TV moms to create the monster you have before you now. Then again I did use my mom as an example of what I did not want to be as a mom. Now, I have this huge mom mess on my hands.

Well, I will just have to ride this wave and see where I end up. I have 148 days left to fix this mess and maybe finish as a perfect mom. It's not looking good at this point though. I am just hoping that I can at least end up with kids that know I have tried my best. If I am lucky my girls might even want to use some of my parenting moves someday. Now I just need to work on me, because I just do not feel that good about myself right now.

Day 216 The Perfect Mom Project

My Great Aunt has a home filled with beautiful items from all over the world. My Aunt Nina and Uncle Ted collected these items throughout the years as they traveled together. Mark and I have been discussing lately how we will take care of all of these things for her. My aunt has two grandsons that are in their late teens that she plans to leave her estate to, but I am her executor. I have no idea how or where to begin to handle this process when the time comes. I just know that I would like to do it with as much knowledge as possible. It feels like it will be very overwhelming. Part of me wants to give the keys to her grandsons and say "Good luck!" and then hit the road, but I know it will not be that easy.

 Honestly, nothing feels like it will be easy these days. As we prepare to go on our family vacation that is coming up very soon, I worry about what will happen while I am gone. Will my Dad be OK? Will my Aunt be OK? Will I be OK? I just feel like I am playing that game of, Monkey-in-the-Middle. Can you guess who the monkey is? There is so much up in the air with both my Aunt and my Dad and feel like I am always jumping up trying to get a clear view of the answers for one 0r the other of them. I think it is very interesting that I am here in the middle.

 As for my Dad (as you might remember), he is determined to run our family into the ground before he goes, but at stake is an inheritance that was left to my mother many years ago. He stands lording over this kingdom that he says he built, and I laugh to myself because I know that his "kingdom" was built on the backs of my Grandparents. I also find it interesting to watch him play puppeteer with the family making promises and then refusing to honor them based on this very same kingdom. Nothing good has come from this money so far and I can only guess it is because it has only been used to serve his greed. I have told Mark that if possible when the time comes I would like to stay as far away from the vultures that will gather around for their "share". My Great Aunt Nina is always quick to tell me that the money was my Granddaddy's and I should fight for it, but I do not see it that way. All I see is the greed it brings out in people that have no idea how hard Granddaddy worked for it, and I just think it best that it is dissolved or better yet if my Dad's new wife is just as cursed by it as everyone else who has thought they deserved it.

 Aunt Nina is another story, she has so much stuff. Her house is filled with T&T (trinkets and trash). She has the same issue; she is not willing to share anything she has. She is holding on so tight, and I feel like if she gave just a little it would change her life. From time to time she will open her hand just a little and share with a friend, but for the most part, she acts like the queen of her own little kingdom. I suppose at 92 she is less likely to change, but I just think if she was willing to release some of what she has her load would feel lighter.

 Two people, too close to me, and I am in the middle. I cannot change either one, I can only watch and wait. In the mean time I am taking notes. I can see that living open handedly and sharing the gifts that God gives me and my family is the only way to really enjoy them. By holding the gifts close and piling them up I am only being greedy and there does not seem to be much reward or joy in that. Perhaps being in the middle in this case isn't so bad after all. I think the view from here is very clear.

Day 215 The Perfect Mom Project

Flip flop, flip flop, flip flop that was the sound of my daughter Avery heading off to her vocal concert last night. Against my better judgment and with a heated debate behind us, she was wearing her flip flop sandals. After pushing my point (rather heatedly) about how against her wearing flip flops I was, she looked at me and said, "Mom, I get it! You don't want me to wear flip flops." I just would not let it go, and when she said that to me, it was like someone threw a bucket of cold water on me.

I heard all her arguments for wearing them. They were the usual ones…everyone is wearing them, I do not want to wear my tennis shoes they do not match, I forgot I do not have any flats. The issue was that the 8^th graders all got t-shirts to wear at the concert, so it was not a dressy event. As a mom I just wanted her to look nice and I was also concerned about her dancing (which they did in a couple of their songs) in flip flops. However, the biggest issue of all, (I saw after Avery helped me realize how deranged I had become) was that I was embarrassed. I did not want my kid wearing flip flops at the concert, it's just not appropriate! What kind of parent lets their child do that? Apparently, this kind, never mind that it is only 35 degrees outside, just flip flop yourself out of my car and go in to the concert

.It was just a slap in the face to realize that my biggest issue with Avery wearing the flip flops was more about me and what people would think then it was about her actually wearing them. Bah! Why in the world would I care? I have seen parents do way worse wacked out stuff at these concerts all the time and to be honest I do not even remember who they were. What is one flip flop wearing concert going to do? I guess we will find out, because she wore them. Once we got there I realized that she was going to blend in with all of her friends that were wearing them too. Most of all, it did not matter, because I spent the whole evening just watching her beautiful face as she sang. At that point she could have been barefoot.

 So, I learned from the advice I received in the past but I never before had used. Don't sweat the small stuff, or it is not worth winning the fight if you lose the battle. Mainly, I just want my daughter to know I love her and I am proud of her and the young woman she is becoming. So, she does not keep her room clean and she wears flip flops when it is cold out, she is still a pretty cool kid (could be the shoes…just saying). Having three girls is not easy, but the third girl is helping me see what the other two girls have been trying to help me get for a while. It's who they are that matters, not their clothes or their shoes, or even how clean their room is. That does not mean that I am handing out flip flops as shoes now, it just means that I might be a little more enlightened today then I was yesterday. Go MOM!

Day 214 The Perfect Mom Project

We finally lowered the boom on Avery. After weeks of nagging Avery about her room Mark and I told her the other night that her grace period was over and she would do nothing until her room and her laundry were completely done. It has gotten to the point in her room where I actually fear for her health. Mounds and mounds of all sorts of stuff, nothing is put away; and the fact that her idea of making the bed is to attach one corner of the bottom sheet and throw her comforter in a heap on top of that.

I realize some of this is just part of life with a teenager, but the other part is that she has absolutely no interest in keeping up her room. Once she does clean it up she loves it and makes comments about how she is going to keep it that way, but it never lasts. Honestly I do think part of it is that this is her ground or turf, her kingdom so to speak. Her room is the one place where she makes the rules and she does not like anyone else sticking their nose in to tell her how to run things. As her parents, we feel like that is fine, but there is a point when we have to step in and draw the line, and that is what we have done.

Before I went to run some errands yesterday afternoon, I told her to get busy on her room, including making her bed, which she had tried to do the day before by putting a queen size sheet on her twin bed. When I walked into her room, my mouth fell open. "Avery? That sheet does not fit your bed, it is too big! You slept like that?" I said in my extremely shocked and amazed mom voice. "I know, but I did not know what else to use." She responded. "Um…maybe when you realized that it was too big, you should have asked for help!" I said. At that point I realized I was up against a child that had no interest in making this easy for me. So off I went to run my errands, crossing my fingers that she made some headway while I was gone.

Not long into my outing, I got a call from Avery. Her good friend had called and wanted her to come over, could she go? Her friend's mom would pick her up and everything. This is where it gets tough, because I wanted to let her go, but I couldn't. I had to stand my ground. "No, sorry Avery you cannot go" I said feeling like the Grinch who stole Christmas. "Fine!" she said and hung up the phone. I really struggled with feeling like a mean mom then. That's the worst part of putting your parental foot down; the kids think it is easy for us. They honestly think we (the parents) are happy about yanking the fun rug out from under them. That could not be farther from the truth. I want my kids to have fun and live the teenage dream life, but we all have responsibilities in life and if I do not teach Avery to be responsible and follow through on things, who will? Isn't that my job?

Once again here I am faced with questions about parenting and stumbling around because there is no guide book or parenting for dummies book out there with a clear answer for me. Unfortunately my girls are my guinea pigs. The other tough part is that each of them is different so what works for one does not work for the other. Which would explain why Aly's room looked just as bad as Avery's and I did not say anything. Of course, Avery pointed it out to me. All I said was that Aly will clean her room on her own and it takes her an hour, not three long weeks of nagging. At that Aly jumped up and cleaned her room. I thought it was a little brown nosey, but it did prove my point. Thanks Aly!