Day 257 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is of my mom and me 1999

Today I struggle to focus. I want to write about cute family antidotes, which never end here, but all I can do is to continue to be amazed at how hurtful people can be. I am constantly on alert for the other shoe to drop. At a time when all of my family is sad for the loss of my Dad, we are also dealing with a woman who is going through what was my Mom's home telling my sisters what they can and cannot have for themselves and for me.

 When my youngest sister called yesterday to ask what I would want from the house I told her that it was hard right now, and she said "Ragen, we have been through a lot down here and we still have to keep going, just tell me what you can think of and we will get it." I remembered a doll that my Mom had bought when I was about 19 or 20. It was a doll created in the likeness of an old Norman Rockwell picture. It was a little girl with a red beret and holding a teddy bear being examined by a doctor. My Mom told me at the time she had bought the little porcelain doll, because it reminded her of me when I was a little girl. I told Kelie that I wanted that doll. She asked the "woman" about the doll and she told Kelie "No, I am keeping that, I am keeping all of the Norman Rockwell items, your Dad and I had already decided that". I lost it; Kelie kept talking saying "OK, well I guess that is staying what else?" At that point I just started mentioning anything I could think, since I am not allowed in the house ever again, I figured I best remember whatever I could and get it out of there.

 There is furniture that was my Great Grandmothers and quilts that she made, there are paintings and pictures and so many more items that were from my Mom's family that I wish I could touch or just go through, but I can't. There are items that I would love my children to have that would be beautiful heirlooms. I do not need all of these things or even necessarily want everything, but now I feel that I do not want her to have or touch things she knows nothing about. I am sad that instead of remember the good times with my Dad; I am focused on the hurt. I am wondering what turned his heart and made him make the decisions that he made over the last year and a half that have left my sisters and me frustrated and hurt.

 It hurts me so much and yet I know that my sisters are in the middle of it down there and they are hurting ten times more than I am. I cannot let all that is happening turn my heart and make me bitter, I have to continue to remember that this too shall pass. I must also focus on the love of my wonderful husband and beautiful children. Somewhere inside of me I must find my Mom self and get her back.

Day 256 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is self explanatory...my kids can be mean!

Oh where oh where can Ragen's blog be? Here it is!

I spent the morning helping my youngest prepare for her trip to Chicago with her school. "Socks?" "Yep", "Panties?" "Yep", "Tooth paste?" "Yep". One after the other we checked off the items; loaded the car and drove to the school. Avery climbed out of the car I handed her the suitcase, hugged her and off she went. I climbed back into the car and there sat her homework. As I ran towards her with her papers, she came up to me and said "Mom you are amazing, thanks." Back to the car I went with a spring in my step and a reminder of how great being a Mom really is. These last few days have been tough. I have not been sleeping well and I have felt unsettled and full of anxiety. When my daughter told me I was awesome, I suddenly thought, "You know what? I am". As a mom you do not have a report card or review other then the moments when you get it right with your kids and they tell you that you got it right. As I spoke with my daughter Ashleigh the other day about the events that have been unfolding with my Dad's passing, she shared words of comfort and caring, hearing her tell me that she loved me and supported me, was another A on my Mom report card. I have gotten so caught up in someone else's vision of who I am that I forgot that they were wrong. It all still hurts, all the little things that keep burbling up from down south, but that is not the definition of me. I cannot allow these things to affect me or my self esteem. My greatest gage of who I am is the fabulous family that I have. Three loving, caring (most days) children and a wonderful husband that works hard and makes many of my dreams come true.

 I am not making any promises, I could slip off my happy cloud any minute and fall flat on my self esteem, but for now I am standing tall and roaring loudly. I must get back to the business I started…mothering. Besides, Mothers Day is only days away I need to put in a good word for myself with my bosses.

Day 255 The Perfect Mom Project

When I spoke with my youngest sister Kelie yesterday to find out what the arrangements for my Dad would be she said, "Teresa and I think it would be better if you stay home and just come to the memorial in Michigan". I was so hurt and sad. Kelie went on to explain that the woman my Dad had married had insisted on putting my name in the obituary that my Mom and Dad used to call me even though I had my name legally changed several years ago. The woman, insisted that she would use the wrong name even after two of my sisters objected. Apparently she told them that's what my parents called me and that is what she was going to use. Never mind the fact that she knows nothing about me or my life r honestly my family. Actually when my Mom had died my Dad had done the same thing, I can only assume that since my Dad and this woman were dating when my Mom died that she was there when he made the same decision a year ago. It hurt then and it hurts now. I have used my name for 32 years. I have used my middle name which was also my granddaddy's middle name. It means a great deal to me and that's who I am.

After my conversation with Kelie, I was hurt and sad, and I knew there was more to the story, but I did not want to press my sister about it. She had apologized over and over, and I just told her, it was OK. They had been through enough being down there and this was something I could work through. Then I called Mark, hurt and upset and asked him to please come home. On his way home he called Kelie to find out what was going on, and that's when he heard the truth. Apparently, I am never allowed in my parent's house again because of what I took from the house at Thanksgiving. Mark and I are not sure what that is about. They opened the door to a bedroom while we were there and said if I wanted something of my Mom's I could choose from that room; and that is what I did. My Mom's ashes were in there, so that is what I took. I also took a box of hankies that were my Grandmothers and some picture albums. I let my girls each choose items that they would want, and then I left. I guess she told my sisters, that I did not get the items approved before I took them. Approved by whom? They were my Mom's and everything my girls and I chose were all items that would mean something to only us. The only item that might have upset them was my Mom's ashes. OH WELL!! I was not leaving my Mom in the house where my Dad was living with his girlfriend that he had been dating since before she died. I figured he had moved on, so Mom was best with me.

I can only assume that this woman has absorbed all of the things my Dad has said about me over the last few months and created her own picture of who I am. Although he adopted me and for 28 years he was my Dad, I was still a stepchild. He never understood me and the life I lived. He looked down on my beliefs and he made cruel hurtful decisions that have affected me and continue to affect me. Now, as it was during his illness, in his death I can only focus on my hurt. Just yesterday before the conversation with my sister, I was mourning his lose and today I am angry and resentful. I am once again a pendulum of emotion. In the next couple of weeks there will be a memorial here and I will be faced with family and friends who loved him and are sad he is gone. I will join them in mourning him, but I will also be praying that these last weeks will be the end of the hurt, that I can finally stop feeling like an unwanted outsider. I pray that the estate that my Mom left behind can finally be divided fairly and that life can move forward. This hurtfulness needs to stop.

I feel like a dog that has been beaten. I find myself flinching and anxiety ridden, worrying about what will happen next, and how it will happen. Even in the midst of all of this I am sad and confused and feeling so alone. This whole thing is so strange and unbelievable; I am not sure how to talk about it and explain it to anyone without sounding like an attention seeking liar. Yet it is all the truth, the very sad and complex truth.

 

Day 254 The Perfect Mom Project

 

The Long Walk

It has been a long walk, a very rough road, each step feeling like a mile

It is time for some rest and peace of the heart

He stands before the gate and gazes beyond seeing beauty without compare

He looks behind him at where he has been

He wants to step into this beauty, but his heart still keeps him here

Although the road was long and tiresome it is the home he has known

Family and friends gather on both sides of the gate offering comfort and love to the weary traveler

Gently, the Fathers arms wrap around his son and guide him through the gate

Now he is truly home

 

For my Dad, Glenn O'Rourke May 3, 2010

 

Day 253 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is my little Avery at her fifth grade graduation

Today is Avery's birthday, she is 14. We started the morning with cinnamon rolls and a card and we will end the day with a good dinner that she has chosen and cake and presents. It will be a fun day for her and I am excited to share it with her, she has a treat to share with her girl friends at lunch and she is excited, so excited that she was ready to go to school a half hour early.

 

I am determined to keep her day on track. Mark and I had decided last night that if we got the call about my Dad in the middle of the night, or this morning, we would not tell the girls. We did not want Avery to lose her excitement for her special day ahead. I know my Dad would want that. About two weeks ago as I was talking to my Dad on the phone he talked about her upcoming birthday. I told him I was surprised he remembered, I told him I forget all the time and then I am racing around at the last minute. Whatever our differences are he always remembered my girls.

 

Mark and I both tense when we hear the phone. The waiting and wondering is difficult. My Dad is his own man and I am afraid that he is determined to fight God's plan. My sisters have not rested in days. My sister that lives there has tried talking with them and encouraging them to get some rest, but they do not want to leave him. We all deal with these times differently. My Dad had refused Hospice, because he felt it would bring the end all the sooner, and now when my family could use the care and comfort of the Hospice nurses, they have nothing. I am sad for all of them, Dad, my sisters and their families.

 I must focus on the plans for the day and move forward as best I can. My girls and my husband are some of the best things that have ever happened in my life and I must maintain my focus on them. They are my present and my future. Today is also my oldest daughters 2^nd anniversary. There are so many positive and happy memories today to help heal the sadness and worry. Regardless of anything else life for those left here on earth goes on.

Day 252 The Perfect Mom Project

I sit here praying my Dad will release himself into God's hands. We received a call at about 3:00 AM; the pneumonia has spread into my Dad's bloodstream. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain he has been in. I want to reach out to my sisters, but I know that right now they are focused on my Dad. All we can do now is wait.

 I told my youngest girls yesterday that their Papa was going to leave us soon, and they began to cry. It has been a difficult year for all of us having lost my Mom last year on May 22. We have been in life's blender for almost a year now and it does not seem that it is going to stop anytime soon. I have to be prepared for what might come in the next few hours. I also need to prepare for my youngest daughters 14^th birthday tomorrow. We have invited Mark's parents to come for dinner and help us celebrate Avery's birthday. I am glad they will be there to help keep us focused on the positive.

 I remember when my mom died, the very next day I had to go to the grocery store. I remember feeling like I should stop each person there and tell them that my Mom had died. It felt like the whole world should know what happened. It just seemed so wrong and inappropriate that I was grocery shopping, and yet life had to go on. I have to give Avery the birthday that she has been looking forward to. There is a cake to bake and gifts to wrap and a life to encourage and celebrate, and all while we wait for my Dad to be wrapped in Gods arms and carried home.

 God's gift will be to keep going, to begin the work of mourning and remembering. We will look back and laugh and cry at past memories and begin the process of healing all over again. The hurt and sadness of all the wrongs will need to be set aside. But for now I will pray for my Dad to reach out and take God's hand.

Day 251 The Perfect Mom Project

My Dad is in the hospital, he has pneumonia. My youngest sister called yesterday to give me this news and to let me know she was on her way down there. She left last night. I sit here with a pile of thoughts turning over and over in my head. The main thought is; I can't go. It no longer matters why, because it is so complicated. No matter which way I turn I am caught up in a reason. Some are emotional and some are practical, and they are all hovering over me like a large storm cloud.

Yesterday morning, my sister called and said that I should call Dad as soon as possible and tell him I love him. She told me not to think about it or worry about it, just do it, so I did. His voice was quiet and shaky. He was disoriented. He was not the big scary man that I have been frustrated with and angry with for all these years. He was just a very sick man who was dying and it made me sad.

There is no way to change any of the things that have happened these last few months. There is no time to fix what is broken between me and my Dad. My sister just called a few minutes ago to tell me that he will not make it out of the hospital. They have put him on morphine and they will increase it until he slips into coma and eventually dies. She thinks he will pass in the next day or two. The storm cloud continues to hover as I wonder if I am hurting my sisters even more by not being there. Will they now be angry and hurt by me? Will this ever end?