Day 68 The Perfect Mom Project

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

I have decided that my children have a plan to drive me insane. Recently it seems like one minute they are laughing and talking, even doing things to help each other with their Halloween costumes and the next minute I am in the middle of a teen girl hissy fit!

Last night Mark and I came in from a date night to find the two of our children bickering. We had given both girls some tasks to complete while we were out and apparently, Avery decided to wait until she heard the garage door opening to jump up and do her task. The trouble was that she was mad at Aly for not telling her to do her task. Somehow, it was Aly's fault that Avery had not done what she was supposed to do. WHAT?

I was aggravated that I was walking in feeling happy after my time with my hubby, and BAM, I get shoved into the middle of this hissy fit. I have to tell you it ruined my happy feeling real quick! The worst part is that no matter what I say during these episodes, I am the bad guy because I am taking someones side. Generally during one of these hissy fits, I am accused of liking one over the other or even that I am taking someones side by both of them. I am pretty sure that if they stepped back from this for one minute they would be able to tell, if they both think that I am taking the others side, I am probably not taking any one's side at all! HELLO!

Two things bug me about all of this. First, Mark was upset, suddenly his happy wife was a crabby hag and I felt really bad about that. But, I blame the girls(And you wonder where they get it?). Second, most times after I have invested in getting everyone settled down and happy again, I stay aggravated and crabby. Aly and Avery are somewhere laughing and talking and having a grand old time, and I am stewing over the whole thing and cannot let it go. There is something wrong with this.

I have no idea why the girls are prancing around the best of friends again, and I am still ticked off. This is why I think it is a plot by the girls. I think they are planning to keep me moving back and forth between their fights until I become so confused that they have to cart me off to the funny farm! I am certain that this mad at each other, happy with each other cycle is normal, (at least that is what Mark tells me, but he could be in on the scheme too!) but if I was a Perfect Mom could it be different? I really wish I could talk to a Perfect Mom to find out. Maybe a Perfect Mom would know just the right thing to do with my children that would solve my problem forever. Ahhh, FOREVER, doesn't that sound nice?

Day 67 The Perfect Mom Project

It was so nice having my oldest daughter Ashleigh here yesterday. We did a lot of talking yesterday about many of the things going on in our family right now. Things like my Dad and Great Aunt Nina and we also talked about Ashleigh's sisters Avery and Aly.

Ashleigh shared with me that she thought Avery was getting quite sassy. She was really surprised at how snippy she would get with me at certain times. As we talked I explained to her that it was pretty normal for a thirteen year old to act that way. At thirteen, you are the only one that is ever right about anything and, DUH, your parents are idiots. I still have similar issues with Aly, but the frequency and intensity of these events is much less.


I also explained to Ashleigh that she was much different when she was that age, she really did not go through this phase until much later. She actually started into this the summer before college and continued through it until the middle of her sophomore year of college. I think it was because before Mark and I married, Ashleigh was an only child of a single Mom. I think she always felt she had to be "GOOD" to keep mom happy. She was always very protective of me. Once Mark and I married and he adopted here she still tried to be a good girl and not stir the pot. Trust me she had her moments , but the real adolescent phase, where your parents are clueless, never really set in until much later.



Ashleigh told me that once she got to college, she always felt like I was in her head. Anything that she wanted to do, she would stop and think about whether I would think it was OK. She went so far as to tell me that it was like she was always wearing an invisible bracelet that said WWMD, (What would mom do?). It drove her nuts, because she tried so hard to do the opposite of what I would suggest, and it would blow up in her face. She became frustrated, because horror of horrors, I was right. The best part is that when she would come home and talk to us and confess whatever it was that she had done, we would just look at her and say, "Wow, that is too bad, but we are sure you will straighten this out, you created the mess, so you will need to clean it up." No yelling, no big scene, just flat out, your on your own now. She told me she was shocked. She was so sure that we would yell at her, that she would be full of anxiety driving home.



We were not trying to ignore her troubles, but we felt like she needed to make mistakes just like her dad and I had. She had to look at who she was and where she was and stand in it on her own. We felt like it was the only way she would ever respect herself. If we had jumped in to rescue her from mistakes that she had made, what would we have taught her? There is a chance she would have never learned to stand on her own and take responsibility for her own actions.



There are moments in my life as a Mom I wish I could do over. There are times when Ashleigh and I have had discussions like we did yesterday, that I have told her I wish I had done one thing or another differently with her and the girls, but when she mentioned the idea of the WWMD bracelet, it really struck a chord with me. I realized that Mark and I had actually accomplished what we had set out to do. We had raised a wonderful, respectful, and reflective daughter. Someone that looks back at where she came from and is able to sort the good from the bad and loves her family unconditionally. I really think that that is more then even a perfect mom could ever hope for. I am even thinking about making a couple of bracelets for my younger girls, WWMD...hmn, it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

Day 66 The Perfect Mom Project

YAWN...I'm tired. It is a good tired though, I stayed up until midnight visiting with my oldest daughter Ashleigh last night. She came home to visit and she spent the night. My middle daughter Aly had a vocal concert and she was singing a solo. Ashleigh thought it would be fun to see her singing. It was great to have all my little chicks back in the nest together.

A couple of days ago, Aly came to me and said, "Alyssa and Lauren and I are going to stay after school tomorrow and do homework, then we are going to walk down to Younger's (local pub and restaurant) after school and get their dollar burgers. Then I will walk back up to the school and get ready for the vocal concert." That way you do not have to pick me up!" I just looked at her. When did we go from, Mom can I to Mom I'm going to? I thought about saying something to her about that, and then I decided to just keep quiet. I was proud of her for making plans without me prodding her and I did not want to start anything. Honestly, isn't the whole idea of parenting to get your kids ready to fly the nest?

Aly and I have our moments, she and I are very much a like. This can be good and bad, since along with having my fabulous personality, she also has my hot head that suddenly and for no real reason,(sometimes), pops off! I feel I have made leaps and bounds in this area, but this is something I am not willing to take a survey of family members on. However, Aly still needs some work. I am probably not the best person to point it out to her, because it generally starts a parent/child WWF.

Aly has the greatest laugh and smile, she is also a loving, caring and sensitive person. This makes up for the head popping off thing that,(blush) she comes by naturally. I have to say, that at this point in our journey together, some of the good stuff in both of us gets lost. With Aly working her way towards adulthood (and learning to drive, which we have discussed before) and me doing my best to steer her there without incident it can be a very slippery slope at times. All I can hope for is that when she reaches adulthood that she will want to come back home and hang out with her Mom, like Ashleigh did last night. That to me will be the ultimate compliment to our parenting.

I have included a photo today of Aly and I together during our color tour last Sunday. This was a special day with her, Mark and I, and I honestly was thrilled that she was interested in going with us. Maybe this is just a sign of the future. Maybe I'm not so bad after all. With that as inspiration, I will keep plugging away at this parenting thing. I hope it was not just a one time deal. Like Mark has said, "Even a blind squirrel gets a nut once in a while". Thanks Mark, I can always count on you to perk me up.

Day 65 The Perfect Mom Project

The pumpkins are carved...phew! Pumpkin carving is something that Mark does with the girls. I have never been fond of the idea of sticking my hands into the slimy pumpkin and yanking its guts out, YUCK!

When Ashleigh was little, I would carve a pumpkin with her most years. Please note I said most, some years I could not bring myself to stick my hands in the pumpkin. It was always the traditional triangle eyes and crooked teeth style. Even when the youngest girls were little I would help out, but once they were old enough, I opted out of the fun and stood on the sidelines. Pumpkin carving for Mark and the girls is not taken lightly.

Choosing a design for the pumpkin has become just as important as the Halloween costume that they will wear. Just last week, Aly was telling me what she thought her design would be. Since Aly loves singing and preforming, she decided her pumpkin would have music notes on it. She also wanted to add a microphone, which we all talked her out of, because we were not sure how to do that. Avery chose to make her pumpkin Harry Potter. Since she is being Hermine Granger for Halloween, she thought it would be fitting to honor Harry. There was much discussion about how to make him and how to do the lightening bolt on his forehead. Avery was quite proud of the fact that she did most of the pumpkin herself.

I have to say all in all the carving went pretty well. Mark was able to extract the pumpkin seeds from the gooey mess and make his annual batch of toasted pumpkin seeds. The girls ended up with cute pumpkins, and I sat around playing on the computer and folding laundry. Sounds like a hoot doesn't it?

The big picture is that I am glad that Mark takes the time to do these things with the girls. I really think that pumpkin carving will be something that they carry forward and do with their own children one day. We work so hard at trying to raise our kids and make sure that they stay on the straight and narrow, when over all, I wonder if it is just about spending time with them, loving them and encouraging them. This is something that I will be pondering today. Perhaps what might be considered as perfect mothering by some, is really not necessary, maybe we just have to get our hands dirty with our kids and enjoy them. HHHmmmnnnn...something to think about.

Day 65 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I have been looking around at other blogs, and I really like the idea of pictures. I am sure that if your are a regular reader you have noticed the change. I hope that with the photos it will bring a little more personality to my blog. That being said, today's photo will introduce you to my handsome hubby. Mark is really how the whole perfect mom project began. With his help I have 3 children, so I guess we can blame him, or give him credit, depending on the day.

I know in the past I have mentioned that having more children was Mark's idea, and I continue to feel the blessing of his idea everyday. Some days, more then others. Yesterday morning for example, Avery was not pleased with me. She was listening to the radio and they were telling ghost stories. Avery is a lot like her Mom, she does not like anything scary. As Avery turned off the radio, I mentioned to her that I think our loved ones are with us after they pass away. I told her I was certain that her "Nana"(my Mom) was with us now. That was it, I got the "Thanks Mom", "Way to freak me out" comment.

My intention was not to freak Avery out, I just have a strong feeling that my Mom is here with us. I suppose if I had talked to her about this a month ago, or even two weeks from now it would not have freaked her out quite as much, but considering that Halloween is just a few days away, I think she is very sensitive to anything that seems spooky. I can not imagine that if my Mom is here that she plans to do anything gruesome or scary, but I think it best for now that I keep my mouth shut. I do not want to end up with my 13 year old daughter in bed with me, because she is scared!

I am going to have to make the most of the next 300 days, at the rate I am going, I am going to need every single one of those days to get on board with this Perfect Mom thing. I hope to get through Halloween without any more trouble. It really is bad form for me to be scaring my own kids. Tonight is pumpkin carving, which is Mark's gig with the kids, so that gets me off the hook (for a little while anyway).

Day 64 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was a beautiful Fall day, the kind you hope will come along so that you can take a drive or walk and enjoy the colors. That is just what we did. After picking Avery up

from her sleepover Mark and I asked the girls if they would like to join us for a color tour. Aly was the only one that wanted to join us for our adventure. Avery was dragging after her long night of hanging out with her girlfriends, and felt that a color tour was not something that sounded anywhere near fun. So off the three of us went. It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed our time together. I remember laughing and enjoying the sights that Mother Nature had set out before us. I have posted a picture on todays blog of one of the moments that we shared. This time on our Fall color tour left me with a lovely Fall glow.

When we got back home, Mark and I decided to walk our dog over to the local cider mill and orchard, so that I could get my annual carmel apple. I am not sure why I do this every year. As usual, I was disappointed. It just was not how I remember caramel apples from my childhood. I have to say though that I am proud of myself for not giving up hope that someday it will be how I remember caramel apples to be.

Once we got back home, I began my making dinner ritual. At some point the girls started bickering. There was a lot of yelling (OK, I admit some yelling was from me) and crying and even some comments about how we favor one over the other. For Mom's sake people, knock it off! I am not sure how it started or why, I just wanted my glorious day back. That is pretty typical though, you are going along, having a wonderful day and thinking you may have finally overcome the dysfunction in your family and BAM!

Mark and I were able to get the two girls separated and calmed down after some intense parenting moments. However, my Fall glow was gone until I was able to look at the photos from our drive. I guess that is what is so great about life, you always get the good with the bad. Since today is Monday, I am going to use my Fall glow to jump start my week. This is the week of Halloween, so I am going to need all the help I can get to make it through. As usual, there is a long list of things going on here and one of them is the carving of pumpkins. All I can do is jump in with both feet and hopefully land on some firm perfect mom ground. Only time will tell.

Day 63 The Perfect Mom Project

When I started this project a couple of months ago, it was to help me come to terms with the death of my Mom and our relationship and also to help me take a look at my relationship with my own children. My greatest desire is to not repeat the mistakes that I feel my Mom made as she raised me. It seems that the range of this project is widening. I am now dealing with my Dad having cancer and the possibility that he may not be with us much longer, in addition I continue to struggle with how quickly he moved on to a new relationship.

In recent days I have found my heart softening to the new relationship in particular. I am not to the point where I would condone it, or even recommend it, (for example to my own husband) but in a way I am glad that there is someone there that can help take care of him now. He took care of my Mom for many years as she went through Alzheimer's and Cancer. I have not always agreed with the choices that he made with her, but she trusted him and most of all she married him, so it really was not my call.

Now, with Dad facing his own struggles its comforting to know he has someone there to look after him and what he needs. I still do not feel I will ever understand why he made the choices he made in regards to this new relationship, but it is best for me if I release this in order to be a better daughter to him and better sister to my siblings and a better wife and mother here at home. My husband and children need my whole heart and mind. I too, need my whole heart and mind. I find myself more in need of time with Mark and the girls, and less interested in the outside world and friends. I almost feel like I have put on a protective armour that seals out the things around me that are uncomfortable.

I know I am not who I was a year ago at this time. I was involved in many things in our school district, and I was constantly planning time with many of my friends. Now, I spend a lot of time thinking and trying to work through who I am and why I am. It all sounds very weighty and important, but I really think it is, over all, just part of the healing process. I know my plate is full, but I also know that it will not always be this way.

My Mom use to tell me "In five years it will all be different". While that is somewhat simplistic, I know that in five years, my youngest children will be out of high school and going to college, so I had best move past the bitterness and sadness and focus on the little sliver of time that I still have with them. If I have done nothing else in my life, I have found a wonderful life partner in Mark, and we have 3 wonderful girls each with their own incredibly fantastic personality. So in the weeks and months to come, while I am working on becoming a perfect mom, I will also be working on just being me. In the big picture, maybe just being me, will help me get through this whole being a Mom thing. I will let you know how it all works out!