High Wind Warning

 

I am safely inside today listening to the wind whistle by. The weather people are telling us to be prepared for gusts up to 45 miles an hour and somehow this made me lose interest in grocery shopping. I kept envisioning carts and bags flying at me or worse yet my groceries flying everywhere and decided that there has to be something in this house we can eat that I do not have to risk my life to prepare.

I also have company today since our school district has cancelled school because our dirt roads are covered in ice and are skating rinks. My youngest is busy working on a project for her English class and waiting patiently for me to finish writing so we can watch a movie together. This is the kind of fun you have when the weather changes all your plans.

I am not going to lie to you, after washing sheets making beds, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping and mopping the bathroom and kitchen plus 4 loads of laundry I would like nothing more than to take the rest of the day off, but my brain is busy thinking up a dinner idea and not at all focused on writing. So here I am listening to the wind, trying to be clever and realizing that it is just not going to happen today.

My normal pattern of writing first thing was disrupted when I choose to spend time chatting with my daughter. Once our chat ended I started seeing things I wanted to clean and I just took off! I figured since I was steaming ahead on projects I had wanted to get to, it was best to not lose my mojo. Perhaps some of the wind was caused by my whirling work pace…okay, maybe I am exaggerating.

Anyway I am happy to be inside away from the howling wind and the chance of being blown over. I am also happy to be able to clean my house and spend time with my daughter. The mighty wind can blow all it wants to today my family has food to it eat and a clean house, high wind warning or not life still goes on. I know your right, except for the grocery shopping. I was getting a little smug.

Shoveling a Path

This morning at 5AM our phone rang and we were told school had been cancelled due to the 6 to 8 inches of snow that was covering every road in our town. Looking out the window we could see that we were going to have some work ahead of us when the snow finally stopped. My husband works from home on Fridays, but my oldest daughter works about thirty minutes away and she cannot work from home so she was hurrying to get out the door and give herself enough time to get to work.

I decided that I would go out and clean off her car and shovel a path so that her morning would be a little easier. The snow was deep and heavy, but it did not bother me because I was happy to be giving her a leg up on an already daunting day. Soon we were working side by side to clear her car off. I am a bit anal about that part because I do not like when people drive around with snow piled on their car it looks like the person is driving an igloo. Generally the wind gets hold of a chunk of their mobile igloo and sends it careening at the vehicles behind which makes for a fun few moments as you try to save yourself from being blinded by their snow chunk!

All of this early morning excitement got me thinking about the path I had cleared for my daughter in the snow. Wouldn't it be awesome if you could do that for your children's lives? What if as parents we could see an obstruction or covered path and swoop in and clear it for our kids? We would just whip out our parental shovels and make the path much easier for our children to navigate. This concept would certainly ease my mind. I could just say "Here ya go, go this way I have cleared it for you and it is safe!"

Reality is that making it safe and having them do things our way makes it harder for them to learn life's lessons. As I look back over my life I realize that the times when I felt like my parents may have let me down, I actually grew as a person. I learned how to take care of me and not to expect that others will always jump in. There were some tough times and some hard lessons but when I had nowhere else to turn and I made the call, my Dad was there fixing my furnace or crawling under my house to check a frozen pipe.

Today I shoveled a path for my daughter and I wish that it was that easy to help all of my children, but truth is sometimes wondering off the path and creating your own path helps you find your way. I just hope that I can remember that as I watch each of my children clear the way for themselves. They will never know when they might get a call that changes their day or their life but hopefully they will know who to call when they need a little help clearing the path.

Clenched Teeth

I have noticed in the last week or so that I am clenching my teeth. Honestly this seems like no big deal in the big picture of things that could be wrong, I have faced down much worse. The big question is why? I am going about my normal life (or as normal as my life can be) and I realize that my top teeth and bottom teeth are compacted together. Each time I catch myself in this tooth vice, I find myself thinking "Why are my teeth clenched?"

I think I know. I have been keeping a piece of my life tucked away because honestly right now there is nothing about this issue I can change or at least I think so. I have kept this concern in a bundle tight in my brain. Sometimes I yank it out and share it with friends or my husband. We will talk about it, I stew about my frustration and sometimes even wave my arms in exasperation and then shove it back into my head, where it slowly works its way down into my jaw when I am not paying attention.

The one thing that I have not done with this stress inducing issue is give it to God. I apparently think that I will handle this best and that no help is required. The trouble with that thinking is that I could have a very new profile once my teeth morph into a mangle of teeth, odds are good at this rate there will soon be no definition between top or bottom teeth at all.

Why do I always think that I have a better handle on things if I store them in my head and bandy them about with my family and my friends? Obviously this plan does not seem to work, yet time and time again I push God aside and say "I've got this!" My desire to solve my frustration and hurts without Gods support always brings me back to this moment when I realize my plan is not working. Once again I stand here shaking my head over my lack of trust in my own faith and God's love and support.

The answer to my question "Why are my teeth clenched?" is that I have to let go of what I am holding on to. I must remove it and gently place it in God's hands. I have learned this lesson before and I suspect that it will be a lifelong continuous lesson where I hold on tight and God gently taps me on the shoulder and says "Unclench your teeth and release your troubles to me… I've got this."

The Shield of Love

There are times when we all face a day that before we even step out of the door we are wishing we could just stay in bed. The day is usually filled with an event or events that tighten the back of our necks and make us clench our teeth. This morning my youngest faced that kind of day. Actually this whole week is like that for her.

My baby girl is part of two different groups at school that are running this year's charity week and she feels like she is a spinning top trying to fulfill her obligations, go to her play practice for the spring high school musical and finish her homework. On top of this stress she has two teachers that are running one of the groups she works with that have spent the biggest part of this year belittling and degrading the kids they are working with. Rather than encouraging these kids and building them up these teachers have decided that yelling, telling them how disappointing they are and also basically harshly attacking the kids that have stepped up to work for the good of the school.

Momma bear would like nothing more than to step in and give these two teachers a piece of her mind, however I know that by inserting myself into this already difficult situation I will create a human vortex of misery for my daughter. While stepping up and sharing with these two people that working with fear rather than motivation, may seem like a good choice…in the end it will only backfire and probably make this situation worse.

With that in mind I listened as my daughter shared with me this morning her anxiety about another day with these two screaming memes. She shared that while she tried to remain focused on doing good, it was hard when the people that you would normally go to for support beat you down. We have all had people in our lives that have misunderstood what motivation really is, people who have used force or unkind words and in the end have hurt and broken us and we have limped away wondering about ourselves and feeling depleted. This morning my daughter thought carefully as she spoke about what the remainder of the week might bring with these fear mongers and as she spoke I realized that she was learning a life lesson early on. Here is what she said "I hope that I learn what I am suppose to from this situation and that I do not have to face it again." As she prepared to walk out the door I wrapped her in my arms and said "I am wrapping you in a Love Shield where you will be safe and protected today. I love you!"

With that my daughter went out into the world to learn and grow from a situation that I wish I could take away for her but cannot. Tonight we will review the day and talk her off the ledge if she is feeling like she is on one and hopefully loosen her neck muscles and unclench her teeth. It is hard letting our children go when we know that others do not love and respect them the way they deserve, but once I wrapped her in my Love Shield I knew she could face this down. She believed in herself and she knows above anyone else, I believe in her too.

Mechanical Failure

This morning I am fighting the urge to be completely annoyed. My heart is pounding a little faster and my mood is on the cusp of being bad all because of a mechanical failure. All I wanted this morning was to do some yoga, you know, the calming, work your muscles kind of exercise? I popped the instructional DVD into the player and pushed the button for the TV to switch over to the player and nothing happened. I fiddled and pushed buttons and shut things off and started them back up until my heart rate was equivalent to a good long run. Then I just abandoned the whole yoga idea entirely. Being calm was the goal and instead I am now agitated and snarky. My patience is limited and the sense of peace and feeling of fitness I was seeking have now turned into a Dirty Harryish attitude of "Go ahead, make my day."

Here is the thing, my foe is not a person or an event it is a piece of machinery. Why am I letting it ruin my whole day? I act like I am all evolved and centered and thoughtful and yet one mishap with a DVD player and I throw in the towel and become a menace to all I come in contact with. Apparently, I have found my Achilles heel a large square black box that weighs less then my cat, has taken charge of who I will be today. What is worse is that the DVD player could care less. The darn thing has no feelings and no way of resolving this issue with me, it just sits there staring back at me blinking all the wrong lights and acting like I am the problem…AGH!

How is it that in this life where I have every possible advantage I could be so shallow as to feel cheated and completely aggravated because I cannot get a piece of equipment to work? Wow! I know that I have so many things to be thankful for. I have a great life. I do not have to walk miles and miles for water or go without food. I have warm clothes and a roof over my head. To think that a simple mechanical failure could make me stomp around like nothing will ever be right again is really embarrassing.

Today I have been reminded that sometimes the smallest thing can make a big impact. Each day we are faced with choices to make about who we want to be. Some of these choices are huge and life altering and others are just simple annoyances that can either make or break us. When I really think about what I want my day to be and who I would like to be at the end of this day I realize that a little thing like a DVD player has no place in defining me or my day. I need to quiet my heart rate, take a deep long breath and say to myself in a calm and thoughtful voice, "Go ahead and make this a good day".

Celebrate

I am just going to say it…today is my birthday. Today is a symbol of the day I was brought into this world and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Finally after spending several years trying to work my way through the loss of my parents and all of the issues that arose after they passed, I feel the darkness and sadness lifting and my heart is lighter. It is time to celebrate the resiliency of the human spirit and the ability to find light even in the darkest of places and while I am at it I will celebrate the day God opened heaven's gate and brought me into this world.

There is no way to know when you are knee deep in a life struggle when you will get out of it. There are times when the struggle is so big you think that you are being swallowed whole and looking for even a small slice of happiness seems impossible. I have been to that place and while I know that returning to a better place seems impossible it is not.

Somehow there is a little place in your heart for hope. Some days if for nothing more than a moment you might feel a small spark of light and a tiny bit of hope. These are the things you cling to when life is not what you want it to be. These and the moments that are in our lives to celebrate like birthdays and holidays which are a great way to find hope. Celebration of life and all of its mile markers is what makes each day, month and year special.

I hope that you find your hope today. I also hope you celebrate you a little too. It is easy to forget when you are buried by sadness that there is still lightness and joy out there. That is why that now that I have pulled back the heavy curtain of darkness and I can feel the warmth of joy I am going to seize the day. Today I will celebrate God's greatest gift to me…my challenge, my triumph, my life and the light that has returned.

A special birthday with my mom I was about 5

Brain Waves

This morning at 3:00AM my mind took control, shook me awake and started thinking. The more I tried to stop it the faster my mind worked through what ifs and should haves and these thoughts came from every direction. By 4:00AM I was stirred up, clenching my teeth and tossing and turning hoping each toss or turn would send me back into a deep slumber, but that did not work. Now here I am not feeling rested, completely aggravated, and on edge all because my brain woke up before my body wanted to.

The mind is a tricky thing, it can convince you to say or do things that you know you shouldn't. Your mind can tell you that you don't look good when you do and that you are heavy when you are not. I found myself working hard last night or really early this morning fighting a battle with my brain that I hoped I would win. I just wanted to sleep I did not want to sort through the list of annoying things that I had tucked away.

Honestly nothing was resolved during this morning brain raid except that I am now tired. Part of my tiredness could be from all the task lists I was creating in my head. Lists of things I should and could do that at 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning have no business even being in my head. It was even harder to fall back to sleep once I became focused on raising my head every so often to see if maybe time was really not going by and that my sleep was not slipping (or ticking) away.

There is nothing left to do but sip my coffee and hope that the caffeine shakes me out of this unmotivated fog. This is going to be a long day and I can already tell that my brain waves woke up early but have already gone back to sleep. If I could I would shake those brain waves awake and give them a piece of my mind. Okay, that just made no sense at all! It is probably best that I end this now and put you out of your misery!