Letting a Life Go

Aunt Nina as young woman

It finally hit me yesterday. I am going to have to let my Aunt Nina go. I can no longer insist that she eat, or be happy or even want to be alive. She has decided she is done making an effort and she is ready to move on, now the trick is letting go.

 I come from a very long line of strong, opinionated women, who seldom care if someone disagrees with how they think, Aunt Nina is no exception. Even as a little girl I knew my Great Aunt was a force to be reckoned with. If there was a pot you knew there was one of two people stirring it, either my Grandma, or my Aunt Nina. Knowing this going in, I had a hard time recognizing what is happening with my Aunt as anything other than an attention grabbing stunt until Monday when I saw her cheeks were beginning to sink in and she fought eating a few bites of soup as though she was being beaten. That's when I started to realize that perhaps my intentions of keeping her alive were more about me and less about her. I realized that perhaps I was the one with my hand on the spoon stirring the pot.

 Aunt Nina has decided she is done making an effort. She feels like she wants to be with her daughter and husband and since God has not decided to bring her to him yet, she is going to take matters into her own hands. This is another issue I am struggling with. My Aunt has decided to stand toe to toe with God in a game of Chicken. She is forcing his hand and all I can do is watch. I struggle with why she would want to go through the pain of starvation and why she has chosen to do this now. What flipped the switch?

 I spoke with the nurse from the senior living community yesterday and told her I was going to stand down. I am no longer going to insist that my Aunt eat. I hope within the next few days that I can meet with Hospice and get some advice on how to best proceed with my Aunt and make her comfortable without being an accomplice to suicide. My cousin is coming in this weekend from Denver to see our Aunt. The original reason for her visit was so that her fiancé could meet our Aunt, but now I believe that she will be faced with the reality of letting our Aunt go as well.

 Hiding in this forest of frustration and confusion, is an overwhelming sadness. I am sad she wants to leave this world and I am sad that I have to let her go. My heart is enlarged by the pain of my decision to let her be in charge of her own destiny, to stand down and let her sail her own ship whether I like her course or not. I guess that is all part of letting go…

Getting Comfortable

Just before Christmas last year, Aly had surgery for a Pilonidal Cyst. The surgery was intense; the doctor essentially recreated her buttocks. The hope was that by taking the area down to the bone and cleaning it out the cysts would be removed and the area would heal. Yesterday, Aly and I listened to the doctor as he explained that he will have to redo the surgery. There is one cyst that still remains and although we have done everything we can it just will not heal.

This morning as I was doing my Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown DVD, she (Jillian) once again said "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable". Since this is a DVD I did not expect it to change, but it was a good reminder about how life works. As I was bending and twisting, I was thinking how life is really about learning to be comfortable in spite of reality. There is no guarantee with anything and if you spend your life expecting to be comfortable all the time you will be disappointed.

Aly took the news of another surgery very well. Actually, she has been nothing but heroic throughout this entire process. She laughed through her early healing stages when she had to carry a donut to sit on at school, and she laughed even harder each time she ended up having two of her special "Butt pillows" pop. She would tell me it hurt, but she did not belabor her condition. She has kept her grades up and her attitude too. She did months of rehearsal and preparation for the school musical and pulled the show off beautifully. She went on a one week mission trip for high school students with our church, and very rarely questioned when this healing process would end. She was comfortable with being uncomfortable. As we look ahead to chapter two in this continuing saga, we find our young leading lady standing strong and feeling confident in her future as a healthy teenager. The only real moment of self pity came as we climbed in the car to head home from the doctor yesterday, when Aly said "Well, it looks like I won't be doing much swimming this summer".

Perhaps we are living our own version of making lemonade from lemons, because my counsel to Aly was "The upside is it will be warm out while you heal, so you can sit outside and read!" Regardless of whether we like the idea or not, reality is the surgery must be done so that she can get better. If this means a little more discomfort, we are up for it. We were just starting to get comfortable; it was time to shake things up a little. In just a little over a month from now, we will once again start the process of surgery and healing and we are ready…frustrated, but ready none the less.

Viva Las Vegas

Last week after months of waiting, I made my first ever trip to Las Vegas. Several of our friends were heading there on Monday, but because Avery's birthday was Tuesday we flew out Wednesday morning with Ashleigh (my oldest daughter) and her husband Scott. I had no idea what to expect. I am not a gambler, but I was looking forward to being somewhere warm since it was not warming up here at home. We set out VERY early on Wednesday morning and literally kept going until we got on the plane to come home on Saturday afternoon.

 This is what I learned in Las Vegas…
I do not like crowds or cigarette smoke. I also like my money in my hand I do not like shoving it into a machine that gives me nothing in return. I could very well become addicted to video poker if it were not for the previously mentioned fact. I love my daughter and her husband they are really fun people! Las Vegas is hot. Las Vegas is expensive; anyone that tells you different is a liar!

 We laughed a lot, ate a lot and spent a lot of money, but I am glad we went. It was nice to get away and do something completely out of the ordinary. I do not see myself signing up for a trip back there anytime soon though. Mark really enjoyed it there, but I felt like I would have enjoyed a trip somewhere warm with a tropical breeze more. I am however very grateful that we went and tried something outside our normal travel destinations.

 I have a great life and I am fortunate to be able to travel pretty much whenever I set my mind to it. It usually takes a little convincing to get Mark on board, but once he agrees we are happy to be on vacation. Life is far too fleeting to sit around hoping to do something someday, I believe that every day we are handed opportunity and we just have to reach out and grab hold of it. Today, I am already thinking about the next trip on my agenda, my cousins wedding on a beach in Maine this summer. That will be something!

 My cousin Laurel is coming to visit us this weekend with her fiancé Matt. Laurel is coming to see our Great Aunt Nina. She really wants her fiancé Matt to meet Aunt Nina. There is no way for me to explain to Laurel how different my Aunt has become in the last few weeks. I am certain that her heart will hurt like mine when she sees that our Aunt has given up and is readying herself for the end of her life. I hope that within her visit we have some time to reminisce and enjoy sometime together. How quickly life moves from vacation fantasy to life's reality. I guess it is time for Viva LIFE!

Happy Mothers What?

Here I sit the day after Mothers Day, about 36 hours after arriving home from a short vacation with Mark and my oldest daughter Ashleigh and her husband Scott wishing I could repack my bag and high tail it out of here! I was lulled into a false sense of love and respect with the lovely sentiments that my children shared yesterday and this morning I was hit smack dab in the face with why my children need parenting.

Being gone I missed my youngest children and had a fantasy about my life with them swirling around in my head. Coming home was fabulous since they missed me and I had the double bang for my buck that it was Mother's Day the next morning. My children were happy and teary eyed as I entered the door late Saturday night. This morning they are over all that and back to being snippy and demeaning to each other and a little too lippy with me.

I long for the reality and fantasy worlds to come together. I want Mother's Day every day, but I know that cannot happen. Instead, I am stuck in this middle place where I know they love me, but they just cannot help being who they are and treating each other like siblings instead of children from the good fairy. I will just have to settle for reflecting on the happy moments from our trip and enjoying the spring that has finally cracked the winter weather. I welcome the sun and the flowers and the chance to get my deck ready for some quiet reflection.

Tomorrow I will share with you details of my trip. Today it is back to reality, I have to go see my Aunt Nina and get back at trying to help her die with dignity and apparently I have to get some food for my children's lunches. Shocking as it is even though I left them money they still did not have enough food for this morning's round of lunch making. To that I say, "Who's fault is that?" and "How would I know that, I was not here?" Just another example of why my kids still need parenting. They must think that the food fairy makes deposits. Ah, today is the day after Mother's Day. It is good to be home and back to reality!!

Just so you know...

Dear Friends,

For the next few days I will be on hiatus from blog writing. I will return on Monday 9, 2011. Have a great few days!

Birthday Girl

Avery's 3rd Birthday 1999

15 years ago today my youngest daughter was born. My baby girl loves her sleep; she is still sleeping as I write this. I have always teased Avery that if we had not induced labor she would still be curled up in my womb refusing to come out into the world. In fairness, it must be very cozy in my womb, because every one of my 3 girls was two weeks late. Fortunately we had the foresight to ask the doctors to intervene and a few minutes after noon on May 3, 1996, I was holding baby Avery.

 A few weeks after Avery was born, I found myself having a battery of tests run to find out why my legs were hurting and why I was so tired. It turned out I had cytomegalovirus, a self limiting virus that is a cousin to Mononucleosis. Needless to say, I had to stop nursing my baby and never felt like I had the chance to bond with her like I did my other two girls. After a few months, the virus healed its self and I was back on track. Over time I have come to realize that Avery and I have bonded. I am relieved that I did not lose touch with my little girl we just took the long way around to bonding.

 Avery has been the only one of my girls to end up with my long legs. She is somewhat envied by her sisters, but the truth is that each one of my girls has their own special piece of me and they are each beautiful and unique in their own way. Avery has a big and tender heart. She is soft spoken and aware of words that can hurt. She has a quirky wit and you find yourself laughing at the curious things that she says.

 Avery is also very artistic. She see can see beauty in the most obscure things and she has the eye that can turn ordinary into extraordinary. Avery is also very bright. She really has no idea how bright she is because it comes so easily to her. I think she assumes that everyone is just like her and does not consider herself to be better than anyone else.
15 years ago today, I was given my final daughter. I am blessed to have her light in my life. I love the way she lays her head on my shoulder like she has done since she was a very little girl in her booster seat. When I look back at pictures of myself at her age I see our resemblance and it takes me back a little. How lucky I am to have been given these wonderful children to raise and mentor. I have had the honor of learning to be a better Mom through these wonderful guinea pigs that God sent to me. I will be forever grateful that we plucked Avery out of her cozy burrow 15 years ago so that we could share her with the world. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!

Smoke and Rumbling

That rumbling you hear is my tummy, and the smoke you smell is my hair on fire! Today, I have my annual checkup scheduled. In addition today is Avery's faux birthday. I call it faux, because her birthday is actually tomorrow, but since there is a special program at the school tomorrow night that Avery and Aly are involved in, we are having her birthday dinner and celebration tonight.

 Why I thought I should schedule my checkup today is beyond me. I was asked to not eat until after I have my blood drawn so, I am starving as I smell the fragrant birthday cake I have baked, floating in the air. I have to keep reminding myself not to lick the spoon or even make a cup of coffee. I am also feeling like I should have had a little more protein yesterday. I am borderline shaky and I do not want to be so weak I cannot make it into the doctor's office.

 After my appointment I have one more present to wrap and then I have her special dinner request to pull together. It is called engagement chicken and I made it a few weeks ago to rave reviews, so when asked for her meal choice Avery immediately requested this dinner, which will include mashed potatoes and fresh garlicky green beans. Just writing about food is intensifying my desire to eat!

 Since Avery's birthday is once again set aside for an event, Mark and I told her she could take tomorrow off school and we will take her to the movies. Honestly, as much as she complains about everything happening on her birthday (EX; My oldest Ashleigh was married May 3^rd, my Dad died on May 3^rd, Ashleigh and Aly both have had plays on May 3^rd in the past), it seems that she actually ends up making out quite well because we are so concerned she feel slighted. The fact that something came up on May 3^rd is not even a shock or surprise at all. It is just a matter of course now.

 

The really tough part of all of this is that Mark and I are leaving Wednesday morning for a few days vacation with Ashleigh and Scott so we are also running around trying to get packed and get everything done around the house before we leave, thus my hair being on fire. I somehow must go to my appointment this morning, finish my wrapping, pick up some balloons, finish my laundry, start to pack, vacuum, set the table and make the dinner, all before Mark's Mom and Dad come tonight and Avery gets home! Fortunately, Avery starts drivers training today and she has a voice lesson right after. This give me time to get everything done…I hope. That fragrant smell of cake with a little light smell of burning hair intertwined, is a lovely addition to that loud thunderous noise my tummy is making, 9:30AM cannot get here fast enough this morning!

I have included a picture today of Avery standing by the local "ROCK" where Aly along with Avery's bestfriends, painted it especially for her! How cool is that!!!