Frustration

Well, the doctor concurred that Aly's recent illness is most probably due to her still fighting to heal from the Pilonidal cyst and surgery. Her immune system is just so low right now that her body cannot fend off anything. As a mother this is one of the most frustrating things I have ever been through. I have a friend whose small 5 year old son suffers from a chronic illness call mitochondrial disease. He is in and out of the hospital all of the time. She has expressed her frustration, distress and sadness to me many times and until recently, I did not have a full understanding of her feelings.

I just want Aly to be better now. She has been through enough and she has missed enough school. Aly was cast a couple months ago to play the lead in the school play and she has also signed up to go on a mission trip over spring break in April. All of this is in jeopardy because she cannot stay healthy. I have listened to my friend talk about her son and her hopes and dreams for him and I never understood the heart wrenching exasperation at not being able to make her son well, until now.

I stand by caring for Aly's wound from the surgery and caring for her health when it is failing. I take her back and forth to the doctor and support her as much as I can and all I ask in return is for her to be healthy. I am her Mom, that is what I am suppose to do, make her better, and yet that has not happened. Aly is frustrated and brave, she has days when she is down and wants it all to be over now and days like yesterday when she decided to go to practice even though she was not 100 % because people were counting on her.

Somehow in the middle of all of this I forgot one thing, I never handed any of this to God. I have held tight to my job as a Mom and my responsibility to Aly, and I forgot that her heavenly father has a plan for her. It is time to hand all of this to him and let his will be done. I am working so hard to make it all better and that is not my job. I can honestly say that other then at the hospital I have not let God handle any of this. I pretty much shoved him out of the way and took over. Maybe it is time to hand the healing and frustration back to God. I suspect that all of us (Aly, me and God) all want the same thing. Perhaps instead of us all working separately we should work together. As the old saying goes, "many hands make light work". I am ready for my load to be lighter and I am sure Aly is too.

I know my friend prays everyday that her son has a good day and she has shared that her son is an inspiration to her because of his attitude. There is a lesson in that as well. We might be Mom's, but we are still people and we can learn a lesson from anyone of any age. Today is the day I choose to turn all of this around I am handing the healing to God and changing my attitude about our health journey. I am not alone in this I was just not utilizing my team. I might be the Mom, but there is someone with a little more pull out there ready willing and able to help. Today, I am taking my hands off the wheel and letting the frustration go.

Not Again!!

This Morning as I write this my middle daughter is resting in her bed upstairs and I am suffering with a sore throat. Aly came home Friday evening from play practice with a fever of 102 degrees, and she has been miserable all weekend. On Saturday morning Mark took her to urgent care where they said that although they could not see anything specific the fever and her ear hurting were a concern, so they put her on an antibiotic. Her ears continue to hurt and she is still very much under the weather on this sunny Monday morning.

I have made another appointment for us to visit our family doctor today. I can no longer worry if he is considering a restraining order for me, since I am in his office once a week on average. We have to get Aly better. She has a play the end of this month and she has school on top of that. It feels like she has been making up school work so much she is practically home schooling herself.

I explained to the nurse when I called the doctor's office this morning that since I have a sore throat I would like to have it looked at just to be on the safe side. I do not want to find out that I have something else that I can pass onto Aly. Better safe than sorry! Aly being sick again is very worrisome and frustrating. Ever since she came down with this Pilonidal cyst issue her body has been retaliating. I hope and pray that today our doctor can help set this thing right! I am not sure that Aly and I can go through this again.

Choices

There is a friend of mine that has said for many years, "It's all about choices". This statement has fit many situations throughout the years. Many times I have used this statement on my children and even my husband Mark on occasion. It honestly fits most anything. "I should have done my homework instead of watching TV", "Yep, it's all about choices" I would reply. "I should have gotten gas before the big snow", you guessed it, "It's all about choices". Last night or rather this morning, I was saying "it's all about choices" to me.

Mark and I made plans to play cards with some friends of ours last night. We had not seen these friends in quite some time and we were looking forward to visiting with them. Generally when we get together, we bring snacks to share and our beverage of choice, last night my choice (it's all about choices) was a bottle of wine, a Pinot Noir to be exact. We began our game and laughed and talked our way through three games of Euchre. Throughout the game our host would pour a little wine into my glass and I would sip it, eventually sipping my way through the entire bottle. Here is where the choice part comes in, why did I drink that whole bottle?

This morning I stand before you sad and ashamed, and here is why. I do not remember going to bed, I do not remember Mark undressing me and putting me to bed. I remember none of it and it makes me embarrassed. I wish that I had not had that entire bottle of wine and I know I could have chosen to stop and I didn't. All I can say is that I was swept up in the moments of fun with friends and my hand kept reaching for the glass and raising it to my mouth. At no point did I choose to stop this exercise and today I pay the price.

Not only do I not feel very well physically, emotionally there is this cloud of humiliation and disappointment in myself. There are many things that I choose to do and not do on any given day but yesterday I dropped the ball about making a choice that a mature adult should make. I did not say to myself it is time to stop hoisting the glass and drink water. This is my confession.

It really was a bad choice and it has lasting ramifications that move past it just being a fun night with friends. I do not want to be that person (you know the one), the drunk. I am not normally that person and this lapse in judgment will remain as a constant reminder of a choice that went bad. Fortunately, my family has not looked at me and wagged their finger and said "it's all about choices" today, they must realize this was a huge learning moment for me. In this case the mom is heeding her own advice!

Ice Ice Baby

Call me oblivious. This morning as Aly was wrestling with all of her school books and her costume items for tonight's lock-in play practice I offered her and Avery a ride to school. Aly trying to take the school bus with all that stuff seemed like a very bad idea, so I put on my "I'm a good Mom" cape and prepared to drive my kids to school. Mind you we had not had the radio or TV on this morning, so what happened next came as a complete surprise.

I pulled my car out of the garage and gently maneuvered slowly around the dumpster (This has been a permanent fixture lately as we continue the kitchen renovation). As I backed up the driveway my headlights angled downward and that's when I saw it, the glistening slippery ice that was covering my entire driveway. I suddenly became alarmed at what I might be in for and at the same time I was wondering why the heck we had not heard from the school district canceling school.

I slowly drove all the dirt roads, snaking my way up to the high school. At one point Aly yelled out "There's a deer", so I slowed down just in time for the next deer to cross the road. As we drove on we saw deer number three waiting in the wings. This reminded me of the saying, "Where there is one deer there is more". I shared with the girls that this was a good driving tip that would potentially save them from a car/deer collision. Avery piped up to say "I saw the deer first, I just didn't say anything cause I thought you saw it" I replied, "Thanks Avery".

We continued our slow journey to the school (with the car in four wheel drive now) and our eyes peeled for anymore wildlife. This was not turning out to be the quick ride to school I had planned on at all. Next I got a call from Mark (my husband) telling me that the roads were pretty bad (no DUH!) and he was turning around and heading home. Even with that I slowly continued my drive. Coming up to the main road I was preparing to turn and my car kept going despite the fact my foot was requesting the car to STOP! Fortunately the light traffic (most people were not idiots out driving like I was) and a slow steady pumping of the antilock brakes saved us from a collision. From there I turned into the girl's high school and dropped them at the door of the school cautioning them "Be careful, I do not want you to fall on the ice!!" With a wave and a smile I was off.

Moments later my cell phone rang and it was my girlfriend asking me if I knew that the school had been delayed 2 hours, "Uh no I did not hear about that" I said wondering how the girls were going to like hanging around school for two hours. I was not turning around and going back for them now, the roads were pretty bad and I decided they were safer there at the school then riding back and forth in the car. I did hear from Aly later who told me that they were being herded to their first hour classes to sit until school officially started two hours later. Sounds like fun doesn't it? I later received a text from Aly that said "This is DUMB!" I am assuming from that her day was not starting out too well.

In all fairness to the school district, Mark did tell me that at 5:30 AM when he was coming home from his workout the roads were dry and ice free. Within an hour they turned treacherous and icy. I suspect that the freezing rain happened so fast they could not react in time to stop kooks like me from heading out with a car full of kids. It was quite the exciting morning, and I am hoping that is all the excitement for the day. You know I love my snow days, but this ice stuff is just not for me.

Strategic Plan

Our school district recently recruited teachers, parents and community members to participate in making a 5 year strategic plan for our schools. When a friend of mine mentioned that she was asked if she wanted to participate, I told her that I too would be interested in working on this plan. Our high school principal contacted me and BAM, I am now a member of this dynamic community group. On Tuesday morning I stopped by the high school and picked up my very large three ring binder of information that includes facts and figures from various educational articles. I am preparing to go to my first meeting next Tuesday night.

 Planning anything strategic sounds very scary and I cannot say whether or not I am the right person for the job, however I do know that I am very interested in how our district works. My other issue is that there will be a variety of voices in this group and I want to be sure that mine is heard. I feel there is focus on keeping our average kids engaged, but I have friends with children on the bright end and friends with children that are struggling and from the outside looking in it feels like there is not enough support for the outside edges of our educational system. Whether or not my perspective will be well received remains to be seen, however it is worth a try.

 For the next four months I will be working towards having my opinions heard, my hope is that somewhere in the middle of this strategic plan is room for my opinions and possibly an action plan as well. Our school district is not a failing district we score high on state tests, our dropout rate is low. Perhaps it is because we have a community full of people that are willing to take the time to make a plan for our kids. Having the community, teachers and parents working together on this plan is something new, and my hope is that it leads to a better sense of community for all involved.

 This binder is not going to read its self, so I will have to get at it soon. Hopefully in the weeks to come I will be able to share positive stories from the strategic plan front. There is a very eclectic group involved which will make for interesting and stimulating conversations. I am sure that I am not the only person that has opinions about our district. I am looking forward to Tuesday and to meeting and hearing what others think and feel.

Flashbacks

Recently an actor named Charlie Sheen has been in the news. Perhaps you are not a news person or someone that pays attention to celebrities, but this train wreck is hard to miss. Here is a clip from one recent interview. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5aSa4tmVNM

 What has been most difficult for me to watch is his demeanor. It has reminded me so much of the meeting that my sisters and I had with my Dad Thanksgiving weekend 2009(Day 97 The Perfect Mom Project). That was the meeting where my Dad talked about how he "deserved to be happy", and basically told all of my sisters and me that his happiness and his wants and needs trumped ours. His anger towards us and his rants that day were very much like what I have been watching Charlie Sheen do and it has brought some of the sadness back.

 Watching someone self destruct is very unpleasant, whether it is someone you love and care about or a celebrity that the media is cramming down your throat. There actually seems to be a rash of crazy self destructive behavior in the world right now. Muammar Gaddafi has also thrown his hat in the ring as a narcissistic attention seeking control freak. There is no way to know why the world seems to be going crazy, it is just very unpleasant to watch and in the case of Muammar Gaddafi it has cost many lives and there is certainly going to be many more lives lost in the days to come.

 All we can do is watch as these people run rough shod over everyone in their lives and pray that when the dust clears there is not too much destruction for the rest of us to deal with. As for my sisters and I we are still sorting through my Dad's destruction. It is amazing how much damage one person can do when they get it in their head that they are the supreme being and the rest of the world (including their children) are their minions. So as my family continues to sift through our debris, my heart goes out to the families that are trying to hold on to their own lives while these other two narcissistic lunatics spiral out of control.

Testing

Today at the high school my girls will be testing. Aly will be taking the ACT (American College Testing) and Avery will be taking a version of the ACT for 9^th graders called The Plan. I was pleasantly surprised this morning as they prepared for the day that they were both up beat and alert. They were talking to each other about how they take tests and what they do once they are done with a section of a test. There was a moment when they were talking about how they always finish a test quickly and then they are embarrassed that they are the first ones done, that I thought to myself, "Whose kids are these?"

I have never enjoyed taking tests and having my children positively giddy at the prospect, made me a little uncomfortable. At one point during the conversation I mentioned that I had never finished a test first. That's when Aly piped in with the comment "That's OK Mom, your pretty." "Gee thanks Aly, that wasn't condescending at all!" I replied. "You act like being pretty is a consolation prize." For the record, I have actually never considered myself pretty either. I did not tell her that since I did not want to belabor the point. Actually, I have always thought that I would be the woman in a novel that would be described as "a handsome woman". A handsome woman to me is someone that is not pretty, but not ugly either, she is sturdy looking and strong emotionally and physically. Anyway, I never was someone who would jump out of bed excited about taking a test.

The fact that the girls were not stressing or worried about the testing is a good thing. I made a point of not making a big deal out of the tests other than making them some scrambled eggs (which I never do), to give them some good protein in their systems and keeping things light and stress free. After today Avery will be done testing, but Aly will have two more days to go. I am confident that she will remain calm and focused since she seems very comfortable with the idea of testing. Over all it will be good to get this testing behind us.

I am hoping that my girls come home this afternoon as exuberant as when they left this morning. I like that they were happy go lucky and ready for a good day. Their attitudes made the morning great for all of us, even the "pretty" ones. Once this testing is over we just have to wait for the results. The ACT testing results for Aly will be sent to a few colleges that she has selected and then we wait to hear if they are interested in having Aly at their college. Soon I won't be asking "Whose kids are these?" I will be wondering, "Where did the time go?"