Whisper or a Shout…Sharing Faith

I am not a bible thumper, while my faith is strong and my belief endless, I have never been one to talk boldly or very openly about my faith. I have always believed that if I live each day with faith and intention for good that I will be walking the walk and not just talking the talk. I have always felt it best to focus on me and my faith and not look around at people to cast a net over. I do share my faith, but in my own way.

There are times when you step into a new church and feel like you are the catch of the day, or you meet someone that is so filled with excitement about their faith that they bowl you over with their enthusiasm making you wonder if you are faithful enough. I am not that girl. I prefer to be who I am and share my faith quietly and with intention. Quietly being the key word.

I am not ashamed of being faithful I just like the fact that by being the person I am, others can just know that faith works without my pushing hard to prove it. I want people to come to faith in their own time. I feel it is more comfortable for all of us that way. I have no problem inviting friends to my church or to a church event, I love my church and I am happy to share it, but I am not going to bug friends about coming if they do not want to and I am not going to stand in judgment if they are not interested.

I have been fortunate enough to belief in God my whole life, but I really grew into my faith as I got older. Perhaps my less then boisterous pronouncement of faith is because I have been intimidated one too many times in situations where I felt like faith was being pushed on me and I questioned why another would have to push so hard to prove that they have faith and that I needed it.

I think God has a plan and purpose for each of us. Our work here on earth may not require us doing his work out loud. Some of us may be his arms and legs and not necessarily his mouth piece. That can be hard to accept when you are very passionate about what you believe. Just remember when you have something important to share that people back away from a shout and they will lean towards a whisper.

Faith in Possibility

I am a positive person I have always looked past the hard times in my life. I spend more time turning things over and trying to make sure I am thinking clearly then what is probably necessary. I am a good friend. God has blessed my life by always placing the right person beside me at the time I need them. Some of the people have been good people and others were great life lessons. I do not look back with regrets. There is always a reason for the place I am standing in my life and I know that if I walk through it and grab the lesson I will get past it. If I linger and lament I will be buried in sadness and frustration.

That being said, I am also a pragmatic person I have always been the type to just say what I need to say. Sometimes that personality trait is a good thing and other times…well, others do not appreciate it. In my younger years I was told I was "a lot like" my Grandmother. This was often said in a way that made me think it was not a positive attribute, but I am still grateful to be the person I am.

When you look back over your life and sift through who you were and who you are now you will always see changes. I like to think that the beauty within shines a little brighter with age and the hard times are a little lighter weight. I also think that in my younger years it was easier to find my optimism. I did not have to look as far to locate the upside of a situation. Perhaps that is from walking life's path and knowing that with every foot fall there is a chance at an obstacle. The other side of this is that as the years have gone by I have learned that whatever path I walk, I am not alone. All I need to do is bow my head and open my heart.

"Everything is possible for the person who has faith." Mark 9:23

Remaining positive and looking ahead, being the friend to others that I would want my friend to be and loving all opportunity good and bad are all part of my faith in possibility. My mistakes are easier to bear when I remember that they are part of the recipe that make-up who I am. This is a lesson I continue to grab but seldom grasp, it is hard to accept that any failing would help but I know I have always learned more from my mistakes than anything else in my life. Perhaps the mistake is actually where possibility and faith collide? Hmmmm, that's something to think about.

Positive or Negative?

As my three girls get older I am less and less required in their day to day lives. Each one is self sufficient and capable and each one is creating or has created a life independent of me. While each daughter is striving to create her own identity I have been faced with the fact that for each of them right now they are the most important person in the world. I have also come to realize that they are striving to know themselves and that they believe they know me.
Here is the rub…me as a person, and who I am as a Mom are two different people. I realize that my children think they know me but reality is that they just don't. The other reality is I probably really don't know the people they are once they go out in the world. It is easy to stay focused on the child within them and think that this is who they will always be, but the truth is life is going to grab a hold of them and shake them around by the scruff of the neck. My neck is still sore from some of the shaking life has put me through. How do I prepare these children of mine for this shaking?
The other night I was commenting about something going on in my life and my oldest daughter replied something back to which I made another comment explaining my feelings about a somewhat inane topic, my daughter then said "I was just trying to be positive, that's how I am". All I really heard her say was "geez Mom you are such a downer!" The odd thing is that I did not think I was not being positive, I was merely expressing the simple fact that I was disappointed we had purchased a smaller size water heater, but it had to be done, we needed a new water heater and to go back to the size we had would mean we would have to order it and then wait even longer for the darn thing to arrive. Honestly, boiling water and bathing from a bowl is no fun and so the smaller water heater made the most sense considering the circumstances. This one comment made me start to reflect on who I am to me, and who I am to my children.
The fact is I am also a positive person, but I find no fault in thinking "Gee that's a bummer, I hope we like having a smaller water heater then we had before." How do I explain to my daughter that there is a difference between being positive and being realistic? You can still be upbeat and positive and realize that something isn't quite the way you had hoped it would be. This is the second time in the last couple of weeks that one of my children has questioned my positivity which has me wondering…do my children know me at all or is there something to what they are saying?
I am not going to stop looking at things from every angle and if reality is that there is a fact to face, I think it best to face the fact. Being positive does not mean you walk around acting like Scarlet O'Hara saying "I'll think about that tomorrow" being positive means excepting where you are and looking at how to maintain it or get past it.
I hope that someday my children get to know the real me. I hope that they learn that who I have to be to them as their mom is not who I am to the rest of the world. I have to say being positive, that they will get to know the real me and that they will understand all I have done for them throughout their lives. However being realistic, I know that children (speaking from my own experience) only have realizations after they have children of their own, and sometimes (again my own experience) after the parent is gone. For the record, that's not being negative that's facing facts, which is also a good quality to have.

Writers Wrestle

Each day when I sit down with my little notebook computer and settle in to write, I am faced with a challenge. Some days the challenge is of no consequence and other days I am stymied. The mornings when I am already turning an idea over and over in my head are sweet, not having to wonder what might pour from my finger tips into my blog is always plus.

There are times when I write about my life and an interaction that I have had with a friend or family member. These musings of what has happened with someone I care about are on the one hand exciting to share since many times my life parallels someone else's and my view point helps a reader decide best how they might live through the same instance and other times the writing can be difficult.

When I begin to write about someone I care about and my interaction with them, I am more interested in sharing my reaction to the event. The writers wrestle comes in how to share the story without letting on too much detail and hurting the person I chose to write about. At one point I was struggling with the antics of my Dad a few years ago and my writing was a cleansing process. While I was hurt I still tried to turn the events over and over to be able to see what was happening more clearly. Partly because I try to believe most people are not inherently evil and partly because when you are knee deep in painful events you tend to lose perspective. Writing out many of the things that happen helps me regain perspective.

I have written about issues that have come up in the past and although my attempt was to share a story and be humorous and thought provoking, I have upset or at least annoyed one of my stories characters. When this happens I am forced to step back and reevaluate what I wrote and how I could have better presented the story without hurting another. Many times I have to look at the reality that while I might not think I have said anything hurtful, my friend or family member is entitled to their feelings. My job then is to hear the person out and make amends as best I can.

This morning as I sat down to write I had already decided to share my writers wrestle with you. It is the writing that pours out easily that I enjoy the most because it carries my genuine feelings and comes without pause. If in some way I have ever shared about you in frustration or in love please know that it is because deep down my heart wants nothing more than to understand the event or feelings between us and that I am always trying to evolve past where I am in my life. The best way to evolve (for me) is to look closely at what has happened and gain perspective for everyone's sake. I do not want to remain stuck in old hurts and unanswered questions, so know that if I have chosen to share our story here, our relationship holds great value to me and I am hoping that we will grow together. Our friendship or relationship pours from my finger tips and hopefully touches the life of another for the better.

Unrushed Peace

This morning, as I watch snow gently float from the sky, I have a sense of calm. There is no appointment or agenda to rush my morning and my mind is settled into the calm like you snuggle into a cozy arm chair with a blanket. I am enjoying this unrushed peace.

There is something about a quiet day that helps center you. You can feel your breath moving in and out of your body. In the comfortable calm you can sort through the mayhem of your life and make some sense of the senseless. Most of all you are calm and comfortable and focused on remaining that way for as long as you can.

Meditation and reflection are an important part of feeding our souls. Things like sitting quietly, praying, writing and listening to music help nourish our inner being. Sleeping helps our bodies grow and heal and meditation and calm help our souls to grow and heal. Our souls are our core and with a solid core we can sustain through the hardest days and weeks.

I hope that today you are able to reflect for a time, focusing on your breath, the quiet gently falling snow and your inner peace. Regenerating your tired and weakened spirit and recharging yourself for the new challenges that you will face as we all do each day. Tuck your mind into a comfortable place and wrap yourself in the warmth of self love and caring and for a time enjoy some unrushed peace.

Cold!

Recently our area has been experiencing below zero temperatures. This beyond cold, freezing weather has made me uninterested in going outside for any reason. While I do not want to go out, my life does not allow for weather dispensations, so I find myself running to the store, meetings at the school and various other activities that require me to shower and dress. I realize that life cannot stop because I am cold, but I still long for a pajama day where I could snuggle under blankets and stay warm.

I know that if allowed I could become a recluse and wear sweatpants and sweatshirts with no make-up. I am certain that I would be very happy spending my days sitting in a comfy chair surrounded by my animals like some crazed Mother Nature type. There would be a roaring fire and a lap blanket to keep my toes extra warm. There would be no expectations of me because everyone would know I was recluse and they would not bother me. The key here is" if allowed" because honestly I am the one that does not allow myself to become that person.

I am a warm weather kind of gal and this Arctic burst we are experiencing has me coming a little unhinged if you have not been able to tell. My hope is that we get past this bone snapping chill soon. However, I would not mind a little snow so that I can possibly sled with my youngest daughter (if she will let me) or hear the quiet a blanket of snow brings in the early morning. Most of all I just want it to be the kind of winter I want and not the one we have right now…what? Too much to ask?

Today, I must go out. I have commitments to keep and errands to run and the cold is not going away so I will just have to suck it up. Most of all I will spend today looking forward to tonight when I can put on my PJ's and for just a little while pretend I am having a snow day. There will be a cup of hot tea, a good book, some loving animals gathered around and for a little while I will be a cold weather recluse.

The Specialist Decision

Last week I wrote about my avoiding taking my cat Emeril to the doctor. I was avoiding the trip because I was concerned about what might be wrong with him. Crazy as it sounds, I had thought if I avoided going I would not be faced with bad news, I made the appointment anyway and set about the task of gathering up Emeril and heading to our veterinarian appointment.

First let me say that making a cat go anywhere they do not choose to go on their own is a heroic task all on its own. I had decided that I would take Emeril in the little crate that we had at home for just such occasions. I found a soft towel and placed it gently inside and called lovingly to my sweet kitty. He came to me when I made the familiar clicking noise by shoving my tongue to the side of my mouth and clacking it against my teeth that normally means "I am going to feed you" or "I am going to pet you".

Once I had him in my loving arms I snuggled him and said reassuring words. "It is ok Buddy; I am going to take you to see the doctor so he can make you better". I then bent down and gently tried putting him inside the little crate. All of a sudden his back legs popped open like a switch blade and his claws came out. His head was inside the crate his back end was out and I was shoving while he flailed around. Suddenly I had a brainstorm and picked up the crate so the cat butt was in the air, moving the crate up and down like you would when you put a pillowcase on a pillow. Fortunately, I was home alone or there might a video of or a witness to this animal abuse. After several minutes of trying to force Emeril into the crate, I gave up. I was starting to get hot and sweaty and Emeril had released most of his fur and it was covering me and flying inside my nostrils every time I breathed in. So much for my cute taking my cat to the vet look!

At this point I had given up on the reassuring words for the cat and was talking to myself, "its okay, he does not understand you are trying to do a good thing, you are not a bad person!" Now what the heck was a going to do? I could not let this cat with switchblades for legs just roam around my car while I was driving…could I? I finally decided to use one of the smaller dog leashes we have and just loop it around Emeril's neck, at least then I could keep him from running off at the doctor's office. At that point I put Emeril and what little fur he had left into my car. I lovingly placed a towel on the seat hoping he would just curl up and rest while I drove him to get the care he so deserved…however resting was not on his agenda.

As we began our drive he started howling and attempting to leap from the backseat into the front seat with me. I had to be on my game, raising my hand up like a ninja every time I sensed he was about to pounce. After several attempts he started to figure out I was not letting his fur flinging fanny up front and he quieted down, actually he got too quiet, so I took a quick peek behind me only to discover that he had decided that the loving towel I had provided, made a great litter box. Emeril proceeded to deposit a giant lump of brown foul smelling poop right on my car seat just short of the towel. There I was at least fifteen minutes from the vet and trapped in this kitty cat outhouse and no way out!

Once we arrived at the vet I was starting to rethink this whole idea of even getting this fur ball some help. I gathered up his nasty deposit in some tissues and since I was running late for my appointment left the poop sitting on the floor of my car, thinking how pleasant that was going to be to come back to. In we went, me and my cat on a string, signed in and waited to be beckoned back to see the doctor. Moments later we were called back and the visit began. There was some poking, some studying and some concern. Emeril's eye looked bad and the doctor asked if I would want to take him to a specialist, "A specialist, a cat eye specialist?" I said hoping he was kidding. "We can try a few things, but if the eye is not better in ten days I will give you the name of the specialist" he replied.

All I kept thinking was "NO WAY!" I am not making a trip to a specialist. I then asked the doctor if his eye was hurting him, he did not seem in pain to me and I was not excited about two more car rides with a hostile passenger that leaves gifts. The doctor never answered that question, but gave me three different types of pills and some eye drops to be administered twice a day for the next ten days. If you have ever given medicine to a cat, you know that cats are generally not receptive to you shoving things down their throats, Emeril is no different.

When the appointment was over I threw the cat in the car (I no longer felt like coddling the stink bomb), found a dumpster to put his foul gift into and headed home, once again practicing my ninja moves (to keep Emeril in the backseat), but this time adding intermittent raising and lower of the window to cleanse the stinky air. Now I have a decision to make, do I take this cat to a specialist? He is not in pain and I think he seems better. His eye is cloudy, but he has stopped vomiting every day. Is it ok to except the good with the bad and not take the cat to an eye specialist? I mean I did take him to the vet for the vomiting; the eye was a secondary issue as far as I was concerned the eye did not seem to bother Emeril. Meanwhile twice a day I am shoving pills down his throat and putting drops in his eye all while he is kicking me with his switchblade legs and chomping on my fingers with his razor blade teeth. I am doing my best to keep him comfortable and get him well. Is that enough?

Where do you draw the line in caring for a pet? His life seems happy he is curled comfortably near the fireplace, he has stopped vomiting and we feed him and clean his litter box. Plus I did not toss him out of my car when he left me his "gift'. He has a darn good cat life if you ask me, yet I am having the inner battle with guilt over whether or not a good owner would take their pet to a specialist. Seriously, a specialist? I will not lie to you I doubt I will take him to a specialist. It would be different if he was going to lose his job or have to give up curling up on the back of the couch, but he really does not seem to be concerned or bothered by his eye except when I come at him with the eye drops.

So there a tough decision is made and all is well Emeril was not tossed by the side of the road, I have learned great cat wrangling skills and I also have some wicked ninja like moves if I ever need them again. I have also learned that putting things off only prolongs a decision or task that ultimately has to be taken care of. The best part is that I did not need a specialist to help me with that decision.