Happy Halloween

The pumpkins were carved and left without care

On my dining room table for goblins to scare

We went right to bed and did not think to check

But this morning we wondered, "What the heck?"

Our pumpkin was missing the stars that were made
To give the look of a celestial parade

Where can they be, what could have happened?

Was a ghost in our house and quietly nabbing them?

When what to my listening ears I did hear?

But a dog crunching loudly on our stars so dear

She gave but one look, not the slightest remorse

And continued to eat her pumpkin treat of course

So now I am left to explain their demise
And know that with our pumpkins
next year we will be more wise!

The Victim

They can be a family member or friend, but we all know one. Anything that happens seems to affect them. You say something and they take it wrong or twist it to mean something different then intended. The victim tends to see slights where none are and they are diligent about making sure that others know how victimized they are. They are not private people because if they kept quiet and handled life as it comes, how would anyone know that they are a victim.

When things are slow and the victim is feeling like the attention on them is slowing down, they attack. They quietly start poking at the one person they know they are certain to antagonize. Generally it is someone that they have built up as the "problem" they convince soft hearted people that if it was not for this "problem" person everything would be OK. They gather support from people by telling stories where the information is shared in a way that insures that they remain the victim.

In the past my victim has accepted my help and used me and then when I was no longer convenient, turned on me and accused me (to others but not to my face) of being the latest tormenter. I spent many years trying to make things right, turning the other cheek and even pretending that it was no big deal, even attempting to grin and bear the accusations while this victim continued their work, drawing in well intentioned unsuspecting people.

Here is what I have learned. No one changes unless they want to. People continue to be destructive, thoughtless and hurtful and refuse to learn until they have no one left to blame but themselves. You cannot change anyone but yourself and if your gut is telling you this is not a good person or a good situation believe it and walk away. It is not always easy and it is definitely not always convenient to walk away, but go.

The more this victim is allowed to insert themselves into your life and wreck havoc on your thoughts and feelings the more power they have over you and the less power you have. You should know going in that not everyone will see this person the way you do. Some people will feel bad for this person and say things like "poor so and so" and "it's such a shame about so and so" and my favorite "It's so unfair how these things ALWAYS happen to so and so", but knowing what I know about the victim, I do not feel badly at all.

We all have choices to make. Life is all about choices; it is what you do with all of those choices that will make the difference. My choice is that I am unwilling to allow a victim to take control. I have no interest in being the victims, victim. As long as being a victim continues to work for them they are going to keep at it, but that does not mean we have to stick around and take the blame.

The First Frost

It has been a dreary damp few days. No real sun to speak of, lots of rain and a definite feel that summer has ended and fall has taken control. This morning I awoke to frost and two hours later despite the sunrise the frost remains. It is time for the heavy sweaters to come out of storage and the apple cider to be warmed before drinking it.

 While I enjoy each season during the year, I struggle with the lack of sun during the fall and winter. There is something about the sun that keeps me feeling joyful and happy. Sitting anywhere with the warm sun pouring on you can change your day. Sunshine fills your heart and warms not only the outside, but your inside as well. Your step seems a little lighter and you smile a bit easier when the sun is out.

 With this frost I hope for other changes as well. I pray that those things that lay heavy on the heart become lighter and easily forgotten. I hope that decisions and choices that are being made are the right ones. There is also the feeling that some of the wrongs that have been done may be righted with patience. This frost brings new views and changes the landscape enough to give hope that not only the season is changing, but the people too.

 One can only hope for the light to stay bright and the cool frost to sparkle and dance and show its joyfulness. Once you resign yourself to the change, you open yourself to endless joyful possibility, all this because of the first chilling frost.

Keeping Perspective

We recently had sad news in our small town. Two young girls who graduated from our local high school a couple of years ago and were attending college had been out with friends last Saturday night. Both of these girls were riding as passengers in the backseat of a friend's car when they were stopped suddenly in traffic on the express way. The driver behind them did not see the traffic at a standstill and slammed into the back of the car killing both girls instantly.

Yesterday afternoon I was having lunch with some friends and we were talking about how sad it was for these families to lose their children. One of our friends shared that for one family it was even more tragic. In addition to their loss of their daughter, the Dad had recently been diagnosed with stage four prostate Cancer and only had a few months to live. Suddenly this family was thrown from dealing with one devastating event to another. I just looked at my friend and said "Sometimes we forget how truly blessed we really are".

My heart was breaking for both families and in that one moment I realized that all those little annoying things that my family will do that drive me crazy, are really no big deal. You forget in your day to day living, where your life's value really comes from. You think it's the new car or the trip you are planning or the new outfit you bought, but when you really open up your life and look at it, what matters most is the family and friends that you have and the time you spend with them, because in an instant they can be gone.

Recently I ran into an old friend and she was talking about how her Mom was not well, and unwilling to move closer to her so that she could care for her better. She hated the drive and did not know how to reason with her Mom about the issue. As I heard her talk, I thought about all the times I had been annoyed about driving across town 25 miles to check on my Aunt Nina. I just looked at my friend with tears in my eyes and said, "I know it's hard right now, but when she is gone you will miss this time with your Mom."

The truth is, it is just like the saying goes, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." I hope I can keep this perspective and remind myself each time I get frustrated over something that means nothing. There are families faced with heartache and sadness everyday and while I am worried about whether my counters are wiped off or my children will grow up normal, they are dealing with burying their children and healing their loved ones. You may not get the chance for one more hug or one more chance to share time with someone in your life, so keep perspective and make the time while you can, because life can change in an instant.

The Search

I have had this feeling for a while. This weird empty "not sure but something is not quite right feeling". I have talked about it and thought about it. I have considered reasons why I might feel empty, could it be "I should get a job" or could it be "I need to get more involved" or could it be that "I am ready to enter a new chapter in my life". Whatever the reason, I find myself feeling very ready to except a new life direction.

I have no agenda or plan of any kind, just a wide eyed open need to fulfill myself in some way. How do you do this? How do you fill the emptiness when you are not even sure how? I am nervous about investing myself in anything and then becoming overwhelmed on the one hand, but on the other hand if I spend much more time feeling like a helium balloon (light, airy and drifting) I will end up floating away.

How do you begin to search for your meaning? Where do you look? I am ready to be filled and not empty, but by being empty it leaves me open. This empty feeling is helping me keep my eyes and heart open to what might be waiting out there for me. Since this is a search, it would probably be best f I also consider that the answer could be right here within me. Maybe there is no need to search at all.

For now I am content pondering this "not quite right" feeling. In time a plan will unfold that will end my search and fill the emptiness. It always seems that you want to be calm when you are busy and busy when you are calm. If I am patient maybe I will find that place where I am just right and everything is as it should be, not too busy and not too calm. This search could possibly be an opportunity to learn more about myself and grow. One thing I know for sure is we are never done evolving and growing so perhaps within my search I am learning that there are times of "not quite right" to keep us learning about who we are.

The Life I Want Most for Myself is…

I am stumped. I have a card from a packet of cards that our church handed out to everyone for a new series of sermons our pastors are doing. We are doing a Strong Challenge to strengthen us spiritually and my card today says "Write a letter to God that begins with the sentence The life I want most for myself is…" The card recommends acknowledging mistakes I have made and also to try to focus more on what a good and beautiful life would look like for me.

So, here I sit wondering. The truth is in spite of the challenges I have faced over the last few years, I believe I am living a great life. However, if I was standing before God I suspect I would feel challenged to push myself a little bit, so here goes:

The life I want most for myself is a life that keeps me in touch with people. I truly enjoy interacting with all types of people and anything that I can do to continue this path in my life would be a blessing. I know that I have shut myself off from dreaming big or believing in myself and I wish that I could move past that. I know that I am not a good example to my children that they should believe in themselves when I do not model this for them.

The life I see ahead for me involves working towards calming the stress and fear that I have and learning to lean more on God and less on my own control. As I see opportunities rise to reclaim myself I will reach for them. I will believe in the power of God and his ability to help shape my life. I hope to be the type of person that can be an example of joy. I would like to be able to always believe that God's will is for our good and that whatever happens in my life that is where I am suppose to be. While I always pronounce my belief that I am where I am suppose to be I still tend to try to grab the rudder and turn the boat myself. I hope and pray that in the weeks, months and years to come I keep my hands to myself and let you God be the captain. I acknowledge that all my blessings have come from you and I continue to feel your love even in my darkest moments. While I feel I am living a wonderful life I also know through you there are more blessings and love then I could ever measure.

Well, maybe I was not as stumped as I thought I was, apparently when you set your mind to it you can see a good and beautiful life for yourself. What don't you give it a try?

Parenting Style or Parenting Don’t

Most recently I have been receiving feedback from my children about my parenting and overall it seems I am lacking. I was taking it very personally until it hit me that I am not perfect. I feel like what my children are dealing with from me is a total upgrade from where I came from and if it is not good enough, I guess they will have to rein it in and work towards becoming a better parent than me.

I am very much over beating myself up because one of my children cannot make a decision. I have a habit (good or bad) of placing options in front of my children about outfit ideas, destination ideas, friendship issues and more and once they have settled on an idea, I ask "Are you sure that is what you want to do? Perhaps, blah blah blah (insert issue or outfit here) might be better." While I agree that I am the wing woman on my children second guessing themselves, if they recognize it as a problem then they are the ones that need to fix it. Keeping in mind that I apparently have a problem with this, is it necessary to beat me up over it? Obviously, they are way more together then I am and they have caught on to my issue so instead of holding me accountable I think it is time to turn the tables and say "Hey, if you think it is a problem and you are aware of it then by all means fix it!"

This parenting gig of mine started out small with only one person's life in my hands, and then over time two more moldable children came along. With each addition my style has changed. With my oldest I was aware of what she was wearing, how other people were seeing us, because I was a divorced single Mom who worried about the stigma and never wanted people to think that Ashleigh went without or was unloved. Along came Aly eleven years later, and I continued my concern over other people and clothing plus many other type A things that haunt me now. Once Avery joined us two years later I ran out of time and energy to care as much about all the other people, the clothes or whether people knew that my children were loved. I just had to keep plugging away as best I could, as I made parenting mistakes and wrecked havoc on my poor children.

Now each of my children has enough issues to keep a good therapist in business. The thing is that I love them all and wanted nothing but for them to have better lives then what I had and I believe I accomplished that part…at least so far. The remainder of issues that my children face will have to be on them to fix, because I am still sorting out the mess in my own head and that job is a real dozy!

I guess the best advice I can give on parenting today is, if you think you can do it better than give it your best shot. Everything looks easy from the outside, it is when you climb in the trenches that you really find out what people are made of. The one thing that matters the most is I love my kids. If it means that they have a few glitches when they head out on their own, that's OK. Once they have kids of their own their kids will help them get those glitches all straightened out.