Headache

My day started early yesterday, since the day before never really ended. I had a headache that would not quit. The headache ran across the bridge of my nose and up into my forehead it was dull and achy and was not letting up, finally early yesterday morning Mark offered me a warm compress and that seemed to help.

After a few times of Mark warming the compress for me I decided I would try my own homemade version by using a heating pad and a damp wash cloth. I put the two together and added my sleep mask and promptly fell asleep. Apparently while I was asleep I was the butt of my family's jokes. Mark even went so far as to take my picture while I was blissfully resting, but I do not even care, I was finally getting some sleep.

I do not normally get headaches like that. It was definitely something in my sinuses. Perhaps all the humidity was causing turbulence in the air, I am not sure what caused the headaches exactly, all I do know is that I ended up sleeping on and off the entire day and going to bed at 7 PM. Somewhere in the middle of the night, perhaps when the rain started the pain was gone.

I am well rested today. I have a few tasks to perform around the house and hopefully I have seen the last of the pain I was feeling. I have friends that get migraines and I cannot even imagine what those must be like. My sinus headache was certainly mild compared to what they must feel. In the future though I have a good plan of attack when the headache strikes again, it might not be pretty, but it gets the job done and when you hurt that's what counts! So mock me if you will, you just might be using my idea one day!

Blog what Blog

No, I did not forget, I just got caught up in my day and ran out of time. The next day or two start early and continue late, so I think my best course of action is to hang up my writing until Monday when I can get back on track. See ya then…

Letting Go

I had an A HA moment last night. Mark and I had gone out on a date night to dinner at a restaurant about a half hour from our home. The ride gave us time to chat about our life and how we are feeling. With the renovations to our kitchen in full swing, we spend a lot of time in our basement kitchen and living room as a family. While I enjoy having this closeness as a family, it has taken a toll on the amount of alone time Mark and I have together. Our relationship has hit an ebb section, so we thought that dinner out alone together might put us back in the flow.

 We had a nice relaxing dinner and talked about a variety of things that are impending in our lives and how we feel about all of it. We talked about us, we talked about Mark and we talked about me. It was a refreshing evening, reminding us why we love each other. On the ride home the topic of control came up. I have been feeling like I am always on the hook to plan and execute everything here at home and I have been feeling like I could use some help. Mark's question to me last night was, "Can you do that?" "What do you mean?"I asked. "Can you let go and let someone else run and plan things?" Mark replied.

 This is a familiar discussion, we have gone round and round many times about me wanting someone to jump in and run things for a change. There is always resistance to my idea with the assumption that I do not know how to let go. For some reason last night I finally figured out why I do not like to let go. I started out very defensive about it and then I realized that I had been groomed to be this way from a very young age. When I was very young I was physically and emotionally abused by my Mother and sometimes by my Grandmother. I was always alert to "getting in trouble" and learned early on that I was the only one that could protect me. My Mom and my Grandma would not, and (for many reasons of their own) could not protect me or make me feel safe. I have always been "in charge" of my life and it has carried on into my adult life.

I am always concerned that things will not be OK or safe if I do not plan them and now I am face to face with my childhood demon with nowhere to run. I need to let go and learn that I can trust Mark to handle things. I still worry that if I let my guard down I will be hurt somehow. Mark has a tendency to joke about me and some of my habits and I do not find it funny, it makes me tense up and feel like I need to protect myself. I curl in to an emotional ball worried that my weakness and worry will show. It is as if I am preparing for battle. I prepare to prove I am capable and I do not need anyone. I can handle anything, plan everything, do it all, just do not point out my weakness, that's what takes me down.

 Dinner out was a good idea last night. I had my control issues served to me with a side of A HA and it was a real awakening. Perhaps this will help get the ebb section in our relationship flowing smoothly once again. I know that I will be more aware of letting go. I cannot promise that I will be good at letting go at first, but I have looked at myself a little closer and I have seen the truth. That in its self is a big step forward and should get our marriage raft headed down the river more smoothly.

It’s Easy for You

There was a time a few years ago when I was selling jewelry through a home sales company. I love jewelry and I loved the jewelry this company sold, so it was an easy decision. Make money and work with a product I love, it was a win/win situation for me. I threw myself into my new job, I worked hard and I did fairly well. I like people and I enjoyed interacting with new people and sharing the product I loved.

I learned during my time selling the jewelry that there were some people who thought that my ability to sell and have confidence was "easy" for me. From the outside looking in it looked like I had no fears. The assumption was that I could walk into the room and people would beg to buy something from me. The truth was, I worried constantly about people booking jewelry shows. I did not like strong arming anyone to buy anything or to have a jewelry show of their own. There was absolutely nothing easy about my job, I just did not project my worry out to the rest of the world.

So here is today's truth, NOTHING, absolutely nothing is easy. What is easy is to decide that someone else is better then you or that you cannot do something based on how someone else does it. The hard part is deciding to make life work for you within your perimeters. Any job, marriage, child, life has it challenges and by willingly being open to riding your own wave based on your life and who you are you do not miss a shot at stretching yourself. We all have looked at someone and thought they had it made only to find out that either they did not "have it made", or they had overcome some adversity to be able to stand where they are. There really is no such thing as easy.

Let me set the record straight today. Nothing is easy for me. I make choices and decisions everyday that I never know for sure will work out. I try new things and meet new people and hope that I grow as a person, but I never take the easy way out or around. No one has ever begged me to sell them anything. I am just like everyone else everyday has its challenges and celebrations. I still love jewelry, but choose not to sell it anymore. If some day you see me out and about making it through my life I want you to know, "it's NOT easy for me!" I am working at "it" just like you.

Middle East Fight for Change

As we have watched the Middle East up risings the last few weeks, I have been struck by a few things. First that this all started in Tunisia two months ago when a fruit vendors cart was confiscated by police. Distraught about losing his only income he set himself on fire. This fire has been blazing ever since. Tunisia is a small slice in between Libya and Algeria but the breeze of reform and unrest has been blowing the flame in every direction.

 From Tunisia the flame jumped to Egypt and from there it jumped again and again essentially making its way across the Middle East. As an American I watch in amazement as these people take their destiny into their own hands. In countries where military rule is common people are speaking out, no longer allowing their fear to rule their lives. In other countries where there have been long standing rulers there are uprisings demanding change. What is most amazing to me is how technology has played such an amazing part in keeping us aware of what is happening.

 Media and social networking are keeping us alert to the blaze that was started in Tunisia. In Egypt, the protests were talked about and encouraged through Facebook and in Libya people are Tweeting about the military attacks on protestors. I find this quite amazing. The world is a new place. What worked 20 or 30 years ago is not working anymore because people all over the world have access to how everyone lives now.

 Normally I avoid the news and do not stay that aware of the world around me, but at the first of the year I vowed to myself to change that. Now, I am more aware of what is happening in the world then I ever have been and this comes at an important time in the Worlds history. This sweeping blaze of reform is frightening and inspiring to watch. While we have no idea where all of this will lead it is interesting to see how technology and good old fashioned determination have whisked change and reform into areas that have not seen change in as much as 40 years.

In the next few weeks we will watch as the Middle East changes, at the same time there is a sense that change is happening here in America as well as we watch the Wisconsin Governor take on the state budget and upset the states workers. Prepare to see big changes in our world n the days and weeks to come as we watch the flames of change take place.

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Snowy Day

The big plan for this last weekend at Scott and Ashleigh's was the same as the previous two years, head up to visit them and go on my first snow mobile ride. Once again, by the time we made our way up there for my younger girl's winter break the snow had all melted. I have been labeled now and whenever I plan this trek north it is assumed that there will be no snow left. I have still never been on a snowmobile ride, and at the rate we are going I will never go on one. We had a great weekend at Scott and Ashleigh's home celebrating Scott's birthday and hanging out with them. Aly and Avery had each brought good friends (who happen to be sisters as well), so they could hang out and have some fun too. We played games, did a little shopping, eating, celebrating and relaxing, but no snowmobiling.

You will recall that just a few short days ago I was sharing how snow does not bother me. Maybe that was my kiss of death, because within a couple days of that comment it was 50 degrees and the snow melted away. Now comes the best part of all, as we were packing to head home yesterday, we hear we had better high tail it back, because a big storm was on its way. Within an hour of us arriving home from our weekend getaway, the snow was flying and it continued all night long. As I gaze out my window this morning I see about 8 or 9 inches of snow where there was none just 24 hours ago. I love the white crisp beauty of it and the quietness and calm the snow demands, but I do wish it had arrived just a few days earlier so that I could experience the thrill of the snowmobile.

Alas, I will just be grateful we made it home safely and that we are all warm and toasty here at home today. It is another snowy day here and I plan to enjoy it.

What Has Happened to Me?

Yesterday as we were all preparing to head out the door for our visit to my oldest daughter Ashleigh's house, I found myself saying out loud "What has happened to me?" This typically type A over planned, place for everything, everything in its place woman was running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get everything pulled together to leave. The whole time I was aggravated with myself. Let me repeat "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

I would like to think that this is a complication that was caused by the doctor visit rotation that I was performing this week, but the truth is this haphazard no organization or plan person has taken over my life and it is freaking me out. I want my old self back; I do not like the new self at all. Where did this come from and why? The other slice in this is that I also cannot seem to get anywhere on time anymore. I have taken to flying in by the seat of my pants everywhere that I go. I look at the clock and convince myself that I have five more minutes even when I don't.

Is it possible that all my years of Type A status have worn me down? I remember being the first person at every event and having every moment planned and lists made and now…What has happened to me? Is there some way to split this down the middle and be a little bit more type A without going back over the top? Could it be possible that I actually do not have the energy to be type A anymore? Whatever it is I am determined to fight back and get a little more on track then I have been. I no longer want to be the stressed out type A freak or the lazy laid back loser. I guess I just want to be on the ball without going over the edge and stressing myself (and others) out.

The thought of the day will be how to make these two polar opposites meet cohesively. I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me and I am also tired of beating myself up about it. I just want a little of my old self back tucked neatly into the new devil may care self. I realize that caution is necessary here; I could be singing the "Be careful what you wish for" tune in a few weeks. For now I will lighten up on the loose devil may care self just a little bit and try hard to court my type A back into my life. Perhaps in a few months I will be singing a familiar tune, what has happened to me?