Cold!

Recently our area has been experiencing below zero temperatures. This beyond cold, freezing weather has made me uninterested in going outside for any reason. While I do not want to go out, my life does not allow for weather dispensations, so I find myself running to the store, meetings at the school and various other activities that require me to shower and dress. I realize that life cannot stop because I am cold, but I still long for a pajama day where I could snuggle under blankets and stay warm.

I know that if allowed I could become a recluse and wear sweatpants and sweatshirts with no make-up. I am certain that I would be very happy spending my days sitting in a comfy chair surrounded by my animals like some crazed Mother Nature type. There would be a roaring fire and a lap blanket to keep my toes extra warm. There would be no expectations of me because everyone would know I was recluse and they would not bother me. The key here is" if allowed" because honestly I am the one that does not allow myself to become that person.

I am a warm weather kind of gal and this Arctic burst we are experiencing has me coming a little unhinged if you have not been able to tell. My hope is that we get past this bone snapping chill soon. However, I would not mind a little snow so that I can possibly sled with my youngest daughter (if she will let me) or hear the quiet a blanket of snow brings in the early morning. Most of all I just want it to be the kind of winter I want and not the one we have right now…what? Too much to ask?

Today, I must go out. I have commitments to keep and errands to run and the cold is not going away so I will just have to suck it up. Most of all I will spend today looking forward to tonight when I can put on my PJ's and for just a little while pretend I am having a snow day. There will be a cup of hot tea, a good book, some loving animals gathered around and for a little while I will be a cold weather recluse.

The Specialist Decision

Last week I wrote about my avoiding taking my cat Emeril to the doctor. I was avoiding the trip because I was concerned about what might be wrong with him. Crazy as it sounds, I had thought if I avoided going I would not be faced with bad news, I made the appointment anyway and set about the task of gathering up Emeril and heading to our veterinarian appointment.

First let me say that making a cat go anywhere they do not choose to go on their own is a heroic task all on its own. I had decided that I would take Emeril in the little crate that we had at home for just such occasions. I found a soft towel and placed it gently inside and called lovingly to my sweet kitty. He came to me when I made the familiar clicking noise by shoving my tongue to the side of my mouth and clacking it against my teeth that normally means "I am going to feed you" or "I am going to pet you".

Once I had him in my loving arms I snuggled him and said reassuring words. "It is ok Buddy; I am going to take you to see the doctor so he can make you better". I then bent down and gently tried putting him inside the little crate. All of a sudden his back legs popped open like a switch blade and his claws came out. His head was inside the crate his back end was out and I was shoving while he flailed around. Suddenly I had a brainstorm and picked up the crate so the cat butt was in the air, moving the crate up and down like you would when you put a pillowcase on a pillow. Fortunately, I was home alone or there might a video of or a witness to this animal abuse. After several minutes of trying to force Emeril into the crate, I gave up. I was starting to get hot and sweaty and Emeril had released most of his fur and it was covering me and flying inside my nostrils every time I breathed in. So much for my cute taking my cat to the vet look!

At this point I had given up on the reassuring words for the cat and was talking to myself, "its okay, he does not understand you are trying to do a good thing, you are not a bad person!" Now what the heck was a going to do? I could not let this cat with switchblades for legs just roam around my car while I was driving…could I? I finally decided to use one of the smaller dog leashes we have and just loop it around Emeril's neck, at least then I could keep him from running off at the doctor's office. At that point I put Emeril and what little fur he had left into my car. I lovingly placed a towel on the seat hoping he would just curl up and rest while I drove him to get the care he so deserved…however resting was not on his agenda.

As we began our drive he started howling and attempting to leap from the backseat into the front seat with me. I had to be on my game, raising my hand up like a ninja every time I sensed he was about to pounce. After several attempts he started to figure out I was not letting his fur flinging fanny up front and he quieted down, actually he got too quiet, so I took a quick peek behind me only to discover that he had decided that the loving towel I had provided, made a great litter box. Emeril proceeded to deposit a giant lump of brown foul smelling poop right on my car seat just short of the towel. There I was at least fifteen minutes from the vet and trapped in this kitty cat outhouse and no way out!

Once we arrived at the vet I was starting to rethink this whole idea of even getting this fur ball some help. I gathered up his nasty deposit in some tissues and since I was running late for my appointment left the poop sitting on the floor of my car, thinking how pleasant that was going to be to come back to. In we went, me and my cat on a string, signed in and waited to be beckoned back to see the doctor. Moments later we were called back and the visit began. There was some poking, some studying and some concern. Emeril's eye looked bad and the doctor asked if I would want to take him to a specialist, "A specialist, a cat eye specialist?" I said hoping he was kidding. "We can try a few things, but if the eye is not better in ten days I will give you the name of the specialist" he replied.

All I kept thinking was "NO WAY!" I am not making a trip to a specialist. I then asked the doctor if his eye was hurting him, he did not seem in pain to me and I was not excited about two more car rides with a hostile passenger that leaves gifts. The doctor never answered that question, but gave me three different types of pills and some eye drops to be administered twice a day for the next ten days. If you have ever given medicine to a cat, you know that cats are generally not receptive to you shoving things down their throats, Emeril is no different.

When the appointment was over I threw the cat in the car (I no longer felt like coddling the stink bomb), found a dumpster to put his foul gift into and headed home, once again practicing my ninja moves (to keep Emeril in the backseat), but this time adding intermittent raising and lower of the window to cleanse the stinky air. Now I have a decision to make, do I take this cat to a specialist? He is not in pain and I think he seems better. His eye is cloudy, but he has stopped vomiting every day. Is it ok to except the good with the bad and not take the cat to an eye specialist? I mean I did take him to the vet for the vomiting; the eye was a secondary issue as far as I was concerned the eye did not seem to bother Emeril. Meanwhile twice a day I am shoving pills down his throat and putting drops in his eye all while he is kicking me with his switchblade legs and chomping on my fingers with his razor blade teeth. I am doing my best to keep him comfortable and get him well. Is that enough?

Where do you draw the line in caring for a pet? His life seems happy he is curled comfortably near the fireplace, he has stopped vomiting and we feed him and clean his litter box. Plus I did not toss him out of my car when he left me his "gift'. He has a darn good cat life if you ask me, yet I am having the inner battle with guilt over whether or not a good owner would take their pet to a specialist. Seriously, a specialist? I will not lie to you I doubt I will take him to a specialist. It would be different if he was going to lose his job or have to give up curling up on the back of the couch, but he really does not seem to be concerned or bothered by his eye except when I come at him with the eye drops.

So there a tough decision is made and all is well Emeril was not tossed by the side of the road, I have learned great cat wrangling skills and I also have some wicked ninja like moves if I ever need them again. I have also learned that putting things off only prolongs a decision or task that ultimately has to be taken care of. The best part is that I did not need a specialist to help me with that decision.

 

The Smile

In 1968 my Mom married her second husband, Joe. This relationship tore apart my mother and her parents. My Grandmother was highly opposed to my mom even seeing Joe let alone marrying him but my mom was a typical woman that was charmed by Joe's charisma and cash and felt that she knew best, so she married Joe. This meant we left my Grandparent's home where we were living at the time and started a new life moving in with Joe.

Joe was not a family man. I would have to say that the fact that he beat me with a belt and my punishment for almost any misbehavior at all was banishment to my room for hours on end was just the tip of the iceberg. He ran around with other women, slept with a gun under his pillow and beat my mom, a real stand up guy (insert look of sarcasm). I wish this was all a lie, but it is not.

In one of the final boxes I received a few months back of my mom's belongings, I came across the picture above. This picture was taken the day my mom married Joe. I was my mom's flower girl and I was so excited to dress up in a new "fancy" dress with pretty white shoes and stylish hair. I remember that the picture was taken at Joe's mother's home and that Grandma did not come to the wedding. Only Grandaddy came that day to walk mom down the aisle and I do not recall there being very many other people there.

I keep looking at this picture that was stuffed in the bottom of the box. What a beautiful open happy smile. I wish I could smile like that now. For years I have complained to my family that I do not like my smile in pictures. My smile these days looks half hearted and angled and not as happy. This little girl looks so happy with a toothy wide grin and she is putting her whole heart into it. I cannot help to wonder every time I look at the picture where that smile went.

I know this is a strange thing to ponder, but it makes me sad to think that life can change even the nuance of a person's smile. That an open hearted toothy girl, with a smile so big, can grow up to reserve her smile and heart. Between my mom's marriage to the second husband and now, there has been a lot of life, some days it feels like too much life. While my life now makes me happier then I have ever been, I still struggle to find what makes me happiest and I never see this little girls smile anymore.

I continue to look at this picture and wonder what could have been different. How could I have kept that smile? Can a person go through life with the same youthful enthusiasm they had when they were 8 years old, or does life change us all over time? My family finds me now randomly holding this photo out in front of me asking, where did that smile go and how do I get it back? A lot has happened since 1968 and while I cannot change the past and the sadness of a broken family, I am determined to find that little girls smile and bring it back to life.

Sense of Calm

Having time away this past weekend was amazing. Mark and I had dropped our youngest off to spend the weekend with her college sister and then we spent the weekend touring the city near her college town. It was freeing and relaxing and centering all in one fell swoop. The time away was a chance to remind ourselves why we liked each other in the first place and reconnect.

Now here is the rub…this morning I am once again tight as a top, ready to spring any minute. Being away was a wonderful way to reconnect, but as soon as I arrived home, I could feel myself folding back up and my personal protection gear gathering around. The fun devil may care girl has disappeared and the agenda Mom is back. I hate it!

I would like to be that fun devil may care girl all of the time. I would like to be an easy going without a care in the world person in real life too, but I am not. Reality is that I am the person the keeps things going around here. I watch schedules, eating habits and health issues. I clean the house, the clothes, many times the cars and the yard and without fail I am the one that is called when there is a need of any kind. That's what Mom's and Wives do.

The expectation that I would walk in from our weekend away and remain careless and free spirited is ridiculous, yet this morning I am missing that sense of calm. The inner peace of freedom and careless joy of having no boundaries changes me. I become a happy person that teases my husband and laughs easily. My heart is light until I step into my homes doorway and realize I am out of coffee and I have nothing for dinner tonight. Suddenly the needs of others and the management of the lives entrusted to me are once again a priority.

I am listening to the washing machine running, I have fed the dogs and I have given several quick directives to my husband who has the misfortune of having the day off and being stuck with a woman who has lost her sense of fun and calm and is fighting the inner stress brought on by knowing that while my family is off today, I am still on duty. That explains the sore knot I feel in my neck and the scowl I am wearing as I write today.

My goal today is to work on finding a way to straddle both worlds. I want to find my sense of calm and inner fun lover while remaining task oriented and driven. These two personalities being polar opposites I am thinking I will have a battle on my hands. It does appear however that our pets have come to my aid and as I write this final paragraph I have one cat sitting on my shoulder and one in my lap, a dog at my elbow and another at my feet. The animal kingdom is here to save the day. Now if I can rally the people of my home for a little more reconnection and fun maybe I can reclaim a small slice of the girl that is trying to make a break for it. Maybe just maybe she does not have to hide away at all perhaps the two of us can become one centered, relaxed and goal and task oriented wife and mother with a sense of calm…you can stop laughing now!

Forever Friends

I like having friends. This may sound trite and unnecessary since most people like having friends but I felt it needed to be said none the less. I have the good fortune of knowing some amazing people who have decided that having me around is tolerable. They have allowed me to step into their lives and somewhat annoy them and they have kept me around anyway.

Realizing that people actually like you in spite of yourself is quite a revelation. This morning at 6AM I walked with one friend in the dark and 17 degrees, I was able to talk and share and listen with someone that I enjoy spending time with and considering the circumstances she must like being with me too. Why else would anyone climb out of their cozy bed and step into the dark cold morning but for a friend.

Being a friend means a great deal to me. I have only recently started to realize my good fortune in choosing friends. I have one friend that has been in my life for some 26 years and although there was a period that because of life we did not see each other, when we met up again it was as if no time had come between us. I suppose I should also give some credit to the friends for the choosing, since although I chose them, they could have just as easily not chosen me. Anyway, having the opportunity to be a friend to my friends is truly a gift.

Life is fuller because of the people that have gathered around to walk along side me in my life. I have learned from my friends, traveled with my friends, eaten, laughed, cried and disagreed with my friends but we are and always will be friends. So no matter how simple and trite it sounds I like having friends because it gives me the chance to be a friend.

Pushing Past the Winter Zone

Last week was tough; my whole family was in the winter zone. The winter zone is the tired, sloggy, no energy place we all go when the cold and dark take over. It is almost like hibernation, except that humans cannot hibernate or at least most humans cannot. In our home we were all retreating to staring at the TV or or in my youngest daughters case "studying" in her room for hours alone with her phone.

A couple of days ago I had had enough. I decided to avoid the TV and try to draw my family back together. I know it is early, but I think my plan might be working. I started by building a fire in our fireplace. For me a fire is calming. I like watching the flames and feeling the warmth and the best part is that my daughter likes it too. Just the idea of a fire in the fireplace brought her downstairs and out of her room.

Next I suggested we play a game on the Wii. We have had the Wii game for several years and probably for the last year or so we have basically ignored it. My thought was that even though I am terrible at the games it would get us back to communicating and help us move out of the winter zone. Next thing I knew my daughter was bringing her homework down by the fire and requesting that we have dinner there.

The icing on the cake was when my daughter came home yesterday and said "Can we have another fire?" and so we did. More homework was done by the fire and all of us sat together again, spending time as a family instead of going in different directions. The secondary advantage has been that everyone seems a little happier, less sloggy and less tired.

Perhaps this crazy plan to draw us back together is working? It cost us nothing and we gained time together, a warm place to visit and a better attitude. It is so easy to become stuck in a routine. Your watching everything playing out as it always does, you know it is not working for you, yet it is familiar, so you just stick with it. All I really wanted was to feel like I had control over this pushed down feeling of winter and in the process of changing things up we have gained some communication and some laughs too.

I guarantee you that we will have another fire tonight. It is exams week and studying is happening every night. With the fire going it gives all of us a chance to be together and still read, study or talk. We are not heading off into separate parts of the house alone. We are fighting back and not letting this winter take us down.

Taking on the winter zone has helped bring us all back to life. We seem more rested in the morning and we are accomplishing more in the evenings. We are not allowing the cold and dark nights to get the better of us anymore! I challenge you to step out of your winter zone too. Join us in fighting back Old Man Winter. Since we cannot hibernate, we might as well make the best of it.

Learning to Say No

I have spent most of my life agreeing to things I probably should not have. It's an illness. I am a pleaser, I want others to like me and I also do not want anyone to be hurt or upset with me. So instead I throw myself under the bus and feel the burn of frustration when I am in over my head.

In over my head for a long time was my comfort zone, and I had myself convinced that everyone needed me. I would agree to whatever the event was and then kick myself after because I felt so overwhelmed by the whole thing. Most often my family would feel the sting of my discontent, I mean why would a good friend (like me) take it out on the person that had asked me to help with ______________ (fill in the blank).

Age has made me wiser, I am slowly learning that being busy all the time and going constantly "helping" is not working for me. Is it possible to say no when you like someone or love them? Honestly it is tough to retrain people to see that you are not who you once were. The other issue is that you have to retrain yourself to think before you raise your hand to help. Someone like me who wants to please and not hurt anyone tends to agree before thinking it through completely.

The worst part is that I am seeing signs of the inner struggle and turmoil of "THE YES" in my youngest daughter who gives rides that are out of her way when she does not really want to. That's how it starts, small things. Her response when I asked why she gave the ride when she did not want to? "I did not want to her her feelings". Oh boy! That's when I knew that I had passed the issue on.

No is not an easy word to say but it is worth saying for everyone involved. No one wants help from anyone that really does not want to be there. Most of all, no releases you from being in over your head and unhappy. Honestly, lately I have been focusing more on the happy part. I like that way more then the unhappy frustration of doing something I really do not want to. Most importantly of all you will know now when I agree to help or join family and friends for an event that I really want to be there. This will please everyone including me.

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