Fall Cleanup

It happened out of nowhere, this morning I noticed a couple of items of clothing hanging in my closet that I know I never wear and I peeled them off the hangers and folded them on my bed. This began a project of not only sorting out the items I no longer wear, but pulling out the summer items that need to move out of the way, so I am not distracted by them when I am trying to dress. There is nothing worse than attempting to get dressed and being sidetracked by those pesky summer clothes reminding you that you are in the clutches of fall and winter. It is hard to focus on picking the right outfit when you are reminiscing about how warm you were just a few short months ago.

 My little pile of gently used clothing and my big pile of "why the heck do I still hang on to this" began to grow and I could feel myself letting go. "Sure that white jacket is my favorite and it has served me well, but it is showing my love these days and it needs to be tossed. Wait, I love that top, I know it has a large rip down the side, but maybe I could sew it up and get one more summer out of it. Alright, nobody wears gauchos anymore it is time for those to go." Within minutes, I was done purging and I felt relief. All it took was a few short minutes and I had let go of my past fashion sense, making room for new possibilities.

 This has me wondering, if sorting out and letting go of clothes is that easy, why can I not apply the same process to all the items that I hang on to emotionally? Why can't I just purge my feelings about all the issues that keep me up nights? If I just sat down and sorted through what is on my mind and put each worry in its own pile, maybe I would feel the same relief that came from sorting my clothes. I could have a pile called LET IT GO, and another called NEEDS PRAYER and perhaps a pile titled WORK IN PROGRESS. Thinking about it, maybe the main pile should be NEEDS PRAYER and then I could create sub files from there.

While I am bragging about sorting clothes and sorting my life, you should know that in Avery's closet, at the very back I have several outfits from when my girls were babies and toddlers. I have outfits that belonged to each of my girls and I also have a grey and white striped dress that my Mom made for me when I was a toddler. None of these items are needed and I am sure that the odds are slim that they will ever be used again, but I like hanging on to these clothes. Somehow it is a nice reminder of the past.This could also be said for some of my memories, they are also nice. While a few memories are not especially pleasant, most are and together they make up who I am. Maybe if I just sort through the memories a little and give myself permission, I can sift out the worn out and stained memories and make room for some new happier times. Just like with my clothes, it is hard to focus on the present when I keep reaching for the past. It is time to get to work on my fall clean up and let those old worn out memories go.

Bracing for the Future

We received Aly's second college acceptance over the weekend. This whole process is starting to make me nervous. It is not just a possibility, or something we are trying to do, it is the real deal. I am braced for the last two colleges she applied to, to contact us, both are out of state and both are schools that Aly would like to go to. Once the last two schools put their cards on the table we will begin the process of looking for the school that offers the best deal.

While I want Aly to go to the school of her dreams, I do not want it to become our family's financial nightmare and these days finding that perfect mix is not easy. Besides, dreams change and I also do not want to invest in her attending a school out of state, only to have her head home because she is homesick being so far away. This whole process is exciting for Aly, but has caused me to start gnawing on my finger nails. I am hoping that in the next couple of weeks we will have all the college responses in and we can start making some tough decisions.

I am excited that Aly is putting herself out there looking at schools that are not on a lot of her friend's radars. I am proud of her for having the confidence to make a bold move. I am also proud of her for knowing what she wants to do and going after it. I wish I had a quarter of that confidence and wisdom when I was her age. Aly's ability to know what she wants and step into it is truly a gift and one that I am very jealous of.

In the end she will go off to college whether it will be near or far and she will do well. It is the Mom we have to worry about. She is trying to stay focused on the process and not the cost, the excitement and not the distance, the daughter and not the plan. If I focus on what seems like a problem long enough, I could wind up making a problem, or building a mountain out of a mole hill. In the end I must brace for the future, whatever it will be and trust that it will be bright.

The Stirred Pot

I love soup. I enjoy all types of soup, soup happens to be one of my favorite meals. There is something warm and comforting about a big bowl of soup. When I make soup, I pour over it checking the soup to see its progress, and tasting the soup to see if it needs any more seasoning and finally stirring the pot of soup so that all the flavors blend. Sometimes I will watch the soup continue to turn in the pot after I remove the spoon. It is interesting to see everything continue to move in a spiral motion even though the spoon is removed.

I do not enjoy when my life's pot is stirred, because then the spiral motion after the spoon is removed is not as interesting. This spiral motion causes stress. You are left spending a lot of time reevaluating what just happened, rethinking what happened and waking at night wanting to give the pot stirrer a piece of your mind. There are plenty of pot stirrers out there and I wish I understood what they actually gain by behaving that way. I cannot imagine that these people have many friends. Eventually the people around the stirrer must get tired of their routine and quietly sneak away.

In the life pot that spiral motion does not slow easily. Even though the pot stirrer may move on, the person they have stirred most times is left agitated and frustrated. The life pot does not settle down as easily as your pot of soup. The life pot continues to spin and your brain continues to spin with it. Many times inside the spinning life pot you find yourself thinking things like, who does that? What the heck was that all about? There are probably a few other thoughts, but I think it is best to not write those.

I love soup and I especially enjoy making soup. I enjoy the process of chopping vegetables and browning the meat. I love preparing the soup base and piling in all the delicious layers of flavor and watching them all blend together in the pot, but I am feeling less drawn to stirring that pot these days. If nothing else I am very aware of how dangerous it can be to over stir. By stirring to much you can possible cause an imbalance in the way that your pot of soup turns out, after all that work it would be very disappointing to find you had ruined the soup. I am starting to think that stirring the pot is not really necessary and that if we just leave the pot alone, everything will turn out just fine.

Replacing Negativity

Yesterday morning, I reached for my deck of Strong cards. You may remember that these cards were supplied by our church to help us challenge ourselves and grow spiritually. The card I pulled out yesterday morning said this:

Replace Negativity

Don't say anything negative today. Don't criticize, complain or use sarcasm. Instead, whenever you're tempted to say something negative or critical. Use that breath to thank God for something good.

Sounds so simple doesn't it? Be kind, think, say and do kind things. How hard can that be? Well, it is tough! Especially because right now I have an antagonist that is working desperately to see that I fail at replacing negativity. Interesting though that while I was out with a friend of mine yesterday I worked especially hard to maintain a positive attitude, and with my friends help it went pretty well.

There were a few lapses where in order to share a story or two, it required information that in any other context might sound negative but the story needed to be shared and the information had to be accurate, so…well…I just said what needed to be said. Perhaps it helps that at the time I announced that I was not saying it in a negative way, only referencing the information for color and perspective.

The idea behind this card is to make me aware of negativity in my life. I find this ironic since I have been spending quite a bit of time the last few years trying to peel away the negative layers and here I am realizing that maybe it was more about how I respond and think and less about the antagonist. I do have to say that on my outing with my friend, we were approached a few times by people asking for advice about items and just friendly chit chat, something that we have not experienced in the past.

Could it be that because we were intentionally open and replacing negativity that we had an aura of approachability? We pondered this as we chatted about how interesting the day had been. We wondered if our desire to be a nonnegative force was actually the power behind these interactions. One thing is certain it was inspiring to replace negativity. It is not an easy way for a sworn sarcasmaholic to live this way, but I am going to try to incorporate a more positive dialogue into my life. I liked that people were responding to us in a friendly way today, which make me realize if I like it, than others must like it too. This alone is a very good reason to replace negativity, what would the world be like, if we all just made an effort to be kind and pleasant. It's something to think about, try it today, just step out with the intention of smiling and thinking positive and see what happens. It could change you.

Step Back

You have chosen to make accusations and insert yourself in something you know nothing about. Here you are, making it more difficult to take care of things because we now have to focus on you. You need to understand that we are working to see that you receive your gift. Every last penny of your gift as a matter of fact, and every time you step in and stir the pot you cause us to focus on you and not on what we need to do.

When someone decides that they will leave you money, they are leaving you a gift. It is not a debt due you or your God given right to have it, it is a gift and a blessing. Instead of focusing on the blessing, you have decided to focus on things that mean nothing right now and only cause others around you to be resentful. Please do me a favor and step back.

Step back and look at yourself whimpering and whining like a child about fair and right. Step back and realize that you reap what you sow and by chastising and brow beating you are putting yourself in the path of this energy coming back to you one day. Step back, just once step back and look at what you are doing and how it is affecting others.

I have forgiven you and released my anger, but I find that you continue to poke and poke me. I can feel my forgiveness dissipating and I am working to remain centered and not judge, but it is a difficult place to be, it feels very much like I am lodged between a rock and a hard place. Each time I step out of this place, you find a way to drag me back in and I struggle to understand why you ended up this person that seems to only find joy by being miserable, untrusting and spiteful.

Step back and realize that money is not the root of all evil; people are. Not because having money is bad, but because of what it causes people to think and feel. Money causes stress and jealousy and suspicion. Money in its rawest form can be a drug that convinces people of how great they are or how powerful they are. Money can also change lives and bring hope where once there was none. The turning point with money and what turns it from evil to good is how it is received and how and when it is used. You must know that you are showing your roots and I beg you to step back.

Step back, step back and give me some room, you do not belong in my space and I need you to go. When things are settled you will know and you will have your GIFT. This is not, I repeat NOT a debt due you but a generous thoughtful gift and I would appreciate it if you would honor and respect that intention. Just step back and allow the process to work as it should.

Spiritual

I have a chair in my living room that is surrounded by candles, old family photos of my Mom and me and a very cute picture of my Grandparents smiling and waving out the windows of their very first car. Also on the table near the chair is my bible and the box stuffed with my Mom's ashes and as you may recall (if you have been stopping by my blog for a while) my Mom's dog and cat's ashes as well. On the walls nearby I have a stained glass moon, a moon mirror and a beautiful photograph that Mark took of the moon, as well as sun mirrors and sun plaques. In this chair is where you will find me writing on most cold fall and winter days, surrounded by happy memories, soft candle light, my family and celestial representatives.

 It struck me recently that what I had created without realizing it was a place for reflection and prayer and in this place I feel centered and calm. I can pray and meditate and feel connected to my family and God. This place is a simple retreat where I can feel the love of my family that has passed and connect with my inner feelings and thoughts.

 A few months ago I had consulted with a professional astrologer in hopes of learning some insights about myself and the path my life was taking. During my discussion with the astrologer, she had recommended that I construct a place for meditating and connecting with my loved ones. She shared that when loved ones pass we are left with the chance to continue the work their souls need to do and by connecting with them through thought and prayer we can help ourselves too. The interesting part was that I already had this place that I had created for myself.

 Somewhere inside I have always been spiritual. I have always had a strong faith in God and the belief that my time here on earth needs to be spent working towards a more enlightened being. There is no doubt in my mind that I have a purpose on this earth and that by connecting with people and being open to opportunity I will become a better human being. I take the chance by telling you these things that you might consider me a bit of a crack pot, but I have two reasons for stepping out of my spiritual closet.

1. Everyone needs a place to reflect, some place that they can go to and be one with themselves and think.
2. Taking care of you is just like taking the air mask on an airplane before helping anyone else. You must come first so that you are able to be there for others.

There are days when there is not a spiritual bone in my body and if I was taken to the pearly gates there would probably be a conference about whether or not I should be allowed in. I am a work in progress, a very slow work in progress at that, but when I climb in my chair and look over at my loved ones I realize that I am not alone and no matter how slow the progress is, it is still better than no spiritual progress at all.

Halloween 2

I am running on something close to empty this morning. My engine is not revving even though I have poured a few sips of coffee into it. The problem is that at the last minute yesterday, I was planning a meal for my girls and their friends and trying to make my house look a bit festive since it was Halloween. I had done no real decorating or planning for the first time in years. At first I thought it was just because I had been recovering from my surgery, but then it hit me…my kids are growing up.

The first sign I had was when Aly came to me and announced that her and her boyfriend were planning to hand out the candy. I responded to her news by asking "You're not going to trick or treat?" I said this of course in a sad almost whining way. The second sign was that Avery who normally begins planning her next year's Halloween costumes after she has sorted her Halloween candy, had not said a peep about what she was going to be until the night before Halloween. At that point she was planning to borrow some purple Spanx and use an old Dracula cape to be some sort of super hero. When the owner of the purple Spanx failed to bring them to school yesterday Avery's plan changed and at 3:30 PM yesterday afternoon (Halloween day), the costume design became a "Fifties girl" and off we went in various directions to gather the parts.

There was a time when weeks ahead of Halloween I was designing and making costumes for the endless stream of parties and activities. I would decorate my house with pumpkin designs and witches brooms. I would be party planning for classrooms and volunteering my help on party day too. Now, I find that the saying is true "be careful what you wish for". All those years of rushing and hurrying and griping about how stressful and busy Halloween is are over. Other than my rush to the store yesterday to buy the needed Halloween candy to pass out, my day was pretty stress free and the sad truth is that as I watched my children enjoy the evening in their own way, a little piece of me longed for a school parade or party.

Time marches on, and with time everything changes. The one thing I am learning that although the changes are hard and sometimes even reminders of what we should be grateful for, most often change is for the best. I will admit that my slow morning and groggy temperament are more due to the one too many glasses of wine I consumed trying to recognize that these changes are for the good. I think in the attempt to convince myself I may have lost track and enjoyed more wine then I should have. I can say that last night in an attempt to treat myself I played a trick instead!