Day Three England Trip

It is Wednesday and I am up at 5:30AM England time and 12:30AM American time. My body is scream for me to rest and my mind is awake. I am hoping that today I will level off and be come in sync with the new schedule.

Today we are headed to the Lake District. It is suppose to be a beautiful area with of course lakes. I can safely say that my concerns about starving were not correct. I will tuck a protein bar in my bag just in case, but now my concern is turning from starving to death to whether or not I will fit into my clothes by the end of this trip.

Our day in the Lake District was wonderful, we toured William Wordsworths home and gardens. We also took a hiking tour of the area as well as a boat trip across the lake. The boat trip was very relaxing and beautiful. We rode at the top of the boat and we had the warm sun and breeze on us, a wonderful combination. While in the town called Booness, we had lunch in a small pub and enjoyed a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. Here this sandwich is called toasts.

After lunch we did a little shopping and then rode our bus back to our hotel. It was a two hour ride back to the hotel and we were all drowsy. Dinner was pasta and chicken in cream sauce. There was little seasoning in the sauce, but our long day made us all hungry and the food hit the spot.

Today we are touring a castle and I am certain there will be other unexpected adventures. Rain is expected today. Our weather so far has been warm and sunny. Today rain is expected and I believe that we will see more and more rain as our week goes on. I have brought my ugly rain coat and a cute straw hat so hopefully I will be fortified against the dampness. My biggest frustration of all...no real WiFi, it has been spotty at best. I am very fortunate that this has been my only dilemma, however it makes blogging a challenge.


Sent from my iPad

Daffodils and days and days

Swallowed Whole

After a very long break I am ready to get back to sharing my life for anyone willing to read it. I have spent way to long feeling grumpy/sad/depressed and basically a no fun grumbly human being. My friends noticed, I know they did. No one directly asked “What the heck is wrong with you?” But you could tell. I have good people in my life, but usually they are very careful about calling out the person who is bringing the party down. Sometimes calling out the grump ruins your whole time with said grump and everyone else that wants to be there and enjoy themselves.

The hardest part about being in a slump like I had was the fact that some of my friends most certainly took it personally. How could they not? My droopy attitude was not exactly the light in the room. Your people are there having a wonderful friendly time and crab ass is working hard at being invested, but just can’t quite get there because her sad self is focused on how disconnected she has become and how (thanks to the way my mind thinks) no one likes her. Here is the thing...If no one liked me, why would they want to be with me? I don’t have idiots for friends or in my family. Why would anyone intentionally invite you to a party if they don’t like you? It’s not like we are all 12 years old and their Mom made them!

There are a few reasons for why I shut down inside. I know what they are and I have let them go. I realized the best way to fight back the inner ugly me was to remember what made me happy and start doing those things again. My first step was to turn to my writing. Writing is something that heals me. I definitely need to keep healing so you are witness to step one of my road back. You read it here first! 

My second step was working hard to be more connected to my family. I really struggled with my family growing up and leaving home. I of course knew this would happen. That’s what parents shoot for, right? The truth is I selfishly expected them to work hard on being in touch with me and I didn’t think about the two way street. My girls all have busy active lives. To expect them to constantly touch base with me is so unfair. I loved being a Mom and mothering my daughters. They may have wondered at different times in their lives if this was true, but being a Mom is the best job I have ever had. Somehow in my mind when they all grew up, my mind decided it meant I was done. Truth be told, you are never done being a Mom. You just change from Full-time Mom to Part-time. That leaves open time for Mom to try new things and focus on herself for the first time in honestly, decades. Now, I try to call and touch base with each of my 3 daughters as much as possible. Many days one or more will cross my mind and I just send them a text to check in or plan a call for a specific time. That’s life in 2020 catch them when you can!

My third step is to reconnect to the love of my life, my husband, Mark. These last couple years have been very busy and with a grumpy/sad/depressed wife you can imagine how fun I have been. Mark and I both know that it takes two to tango and after some intense talks and honest conversation, the people we were, have started coming back to life. The truth is love changes, but your heart knows love and doesn’t let it go. We love spending time together and doing things together, we just got swallowed up in all the “to do” lists and life’s happenings while we were making other plans and forgot that we need each other as much as we do. It feels good to be able to openly talk about the feelings that I carried around and angrily blamed him for. 

My heart is finally healing and my head is mostly clear. I would say that I am probably 90% better. There is still a little piece of me that lurks on the darker side but those things are not things I can control and I do my best to glance in that direction to keep tabs on things, but not let myself get swallowed whole and revert to Debbie total downer again. It just isn't fun to be sad. It literally brings me to tears just writing that, but its true. No one goes there on purpose. No one wants to be grumpy/sad/depressed. It just slowly grows inside you and one day you realize you have been swallowed whole. If you are swallowed whole, or know of someone that is please talk to them, share your heart, phone a friend or just slowly find your way back. Trust me, you are missed. 

The Basement Renovation Shuffle

Home projects are exciting and aggravating all at the same time. The excitement is in the transformation and watching the ideas you have blossom into reality. The aggravation is the displacement of most everything in your home. We are in the midst of remodeling our basement. When we bought our home it already had a small kitchen in the basement. We knew one day we would have to remodel it and the day arrived about 8 weeks ago.It’s hard to explain, but literally everything is everywhere! I have piles with piles on them that are stuffed in rooms and closets. I have a hot mess of drywall dust and paint samples and best of all a pair of my favorite shoes has dried drywall mud stuck to the soles. 

It’s a slow moving project. We hired my brother-in law to do the major things like electrical and wall building, and putting in cabinets and then my husband Mark and I fill in where we can. There is still lots to do. We still need to finish putting in the cabinets and flooring has to be put down and before the flooring we should probably get all the painting done. My brother-in-law is a busy guy. He is working several jobs at the same time, so we see him about once a week. It’s not ideal, but when he is here he works his fanny off!

I am a “a place for everything and everything in its place” kind of gal and right now everything is everyplace and its driving me nuts. I have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. Whats happening is a good thing and we are fortunate to be able to do this, however is my sanity really worth it. I mean drywall mud is STUCK to the bottom of my shoes...GAH! We have a target date of mid November at the latest. That is when my family in Connecticut is coming for Thanksgiving so the pressure mounts each day as we creep closer and closer to that day.

I won’t lie, I am pretty mean to myself about the stuff everywhere. I keep worrying that I’m turning into a messy person. What if I become sloppy? It could happen...right? It’s a scary thought. I have all of my pantry items in one of the bedrooms and I have a drying rack for my laundry in another room. I walk into a room and immediately forget why I am in there and then turn around and walk out. Then I spend several minutes aggravated with myself for losing my marbles and walk back and forth until my memory decides to share what it was I was up to when I headed for said room. That’s called “The Basement Renovation Shuffle”. I don’t recommend learning the dance its quite draining!

My husband, Mark, recommended I get back to writing so that I can dump some of my stresses out for others to see. Perhaps someone can learn and grow from reading about my woes. If nothing else I will have a nice log of my life to reflect on when I’m finally sitting in my tidy finished basement. At least a girl can dream.

Feel The Weight

In May 2009 (ten years ago) my Mom passed away. One year later my May 2010 my Stepfather passed away and the following year May 2011 my Great Aunt Nina whom I was helping care for died at they age of 93. First of all lets talk about the elephant in the room. MAY... I honestly could not have taken one more death in May. On top of it being unbelievable, it is also the month my youngest daughter was born. That was a joyous occasion. Not so joyous was telling her on her 13th birthday that her Papa had died that very day. Kind of  dampened the mood of our young teenager.

Along with these deaths came the job of obtaining things that were meaningful family items. In the case of my Mom and My Great Aunt, there was an over abundance of items that were part of our family for generations. Quilts that my Grandma and Great Grandma had made. The chest from 100 years ago that held handmade table clothes and Quilts. A painting that a Great great aunt had painted that was handed down over and over. Fur coats, jewelry, real and not so real. Books, a set of my Grandma’s china and pictures...lots and lot of pictures. This was just the tip of the iceberg that became my weight to bare.

When Aunt Nina passed I found myself relying on people to help me figure out what to do next, that... in hind sight probably did not serve our best interests, but I already had so many items still stored in my home from my Mom that I could not bring more here.        But I did.

Now, 10 years later I feel the weight of the generations gone before me bearing down on me. I have so many items here that I feel responsible for that none of my children want. I was an only child and my two cousins live out of state and their relationships with my grandparents were not typical relationships. They had no need or desire for much that was left behind. SO here I stand buried in my family museum.

The actual weight of these things is burying me alive. I am stranded here surrounded by handmade Cathedral window quilts, books, Hand knit coats (that weigh as much as me) and so so much more. Everyone else has moved on from that 3 years of death and I am still weighed down with the responsibility of the belongings that my family left behind and the deaths. I want so much to be the girl that decides “Not my circus, not my monkey’s”. I’m not that girl.

I had teddy bears made for my 3 girls out of Grandma’s Mink coat and I’m slowly pulling out all of these items and trying to make something out of them or giving them away. Mainly right now, I’m just ready to move on. I’m tired of feeling guilty for not wanting these things and oddly I’m quite jealous of my girls who have said “No Thank you”. Our world no longer deals in heirlooms and tradition the same way. We have so much literally at our finger tips in one or two days if we want it. We can look at someone we love while talking to them on the phone or send them a message half way across the world and get a response seconds or minutes later. None of us looks back much anymore...except those of us carrying the family legacy like an anvil.

Somehow I need to separate myself from the idea that saving all of these family pieces is my job. This will not be a “POOF its gone”  kind of thing. I am pretty sure the first step to detaching from what I guess I’ll call “The Stuff” is releasing the guilt. Guilt is heavy all by it’s self so letting go of the idea that somehow I’m letting my entire lineage down by not keeping every item they left behind would be a big deal. I’m one person holding on to guilt that dates back generations. Come on, do you really think Great Great Aunt Grace is going to be mad at me when I meet her on the other side because I didn’t keep her painting? Just writing about this is making me cry, thats how bloody traumatic it is! The weight is absolutely unbearable anymore. I don’t want this actual burden in my life and I’m determined to move out from under it. I will let you know how all this turns out. For now lets assume that my new mantra should be...

“NOT MY STUFF, NOT MY PROBLEM”

Yeah...Good luck with that!

Can You Feel It?

Can you feel it too? That electricity in the air? People on edge but keeping it to themselves?Frustration that’s causing anxiety that no one talks about? I feel like we are all positioned for an intervention, but there are so many of us feeling this way that we will all end up intervening for each other and (or) ourselves. 

There is an energy at play that has us unsure of what is next and worried that whatever is next is not what we really want next, but the train has left the station and  we are on it. Do we jump off the train or ride it to the end? Do we gather together and make a plan to fight off the negative energy or fend for ourselves, fighting the anxiety bag with our emotional billy club of choice. Hiding in a glass of wine or liquor or starting a labor intense project where you hammer at the project until all you anxiety is left bruised and bloody. There is also the options to walk or run or scream your way past the anxiety sign. 

I have to tell you I am at my highest level of anxiety that I can ever remember. There are things that I can point to that seem like good reasons to be anxious, but over all I have never been one to even recognize my anxiety. I have always made my way through and back to myself without much thought. Now I stand and look about like I have lost something and I have no idea what it is. Could it be my sanity? Could my marbles actually be lost? I do know that this mornings cup of coffee I am sipping on was a really bad idea. Caffeine is anxiety in a cup. This morning I  apparently have chosen to put myself completely over the edge. TIMBERRRRRRR!

I know that there are many things I can do to calm this anxiety down,  but I had hoped that if I spent some time tumbling around in my mind, I might actually pull myself together. No such luck! I’m just as tense as when I started and no where near the exit sign. I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and declare a draw on my personal side kick anxiety...you have won this round but don’t start the count yet, I’m down but not out. 

Even though this anxiety beast is in the air it’s not gonna take me down with it. I’m going to focus on the running waters of The Deeper Pond and slowly pull myself up and out of the clutches of this beast. 

Note: I learned recently that I need to do some behind the scenes work to allow comments to     work again. In the mean time you are welcome to comment on my Instagram page Thedeeperpond.

DICTIONARY

bil·ly²

/ˈbilē/

noun

noun: billy club

1. 1. 

   short for billy goat.
2. 2. 

   NORTH AMERICAN

   a truncheon; a cudgel.

Relating in a Relationship

My husband and I have been married 27 years in September. I have lived with him longer then I have ever lived with anyone. Let that soak in...( I say this for me, not necessarily for you, gentle reader). Relationships are hard enough without taking a vow to “Love and Honor as long as you both shall live”. Honestly our vows were nothing like that. We helped define what our vows would be and we were both very happy with them. It’s the fact that now you have this one person that knows you and all your quirks and you know theirs. You work hard to keep each other happy and healthy and even sane.

Over time my relationship with my husband has changed. Not in a bad way, but it has changed. This person that knows me better then anyone has changed too. We are stronger people. We love each other more and at times...kinda hate each other too. No one can annoy you more then someone who knows you well, but decides to say and do the opposite of what your emotional ground rules allow.

I realized this morning that I have reached a point where all the subtle things I say are no longer subtle. I’m actually quite snarky and out right unkind. As I went for my morning walk (my walk is a brain detox and calorie burn event) I replayed my last few words with my hubby before he left for work and I realized what a total bitch I was. I’m not even going to pretend I was right. I was just plain mean! My question to myself was WHY?

You know how when you ask someone something over and over and they don’t do it and you finally yell at them at the top of your lungs? You know at the time you are out of line, but you can’t help it because your so darn angry and the angry doesn’t want to be stuffed inside anymore and it shoots out of you like a bullet. Well, I think this morning was my warning shot with a rubber bullet. It still hurts, but you didn’t kill anyone. Beware HUSBAND! I have all of these feelings stored in my head and heart and they are erupting. It’s not anything like I want to leave my husband, its more about needing some changes and my gentle nudging and verbal elbow jabs seem to go NO where.

We are complicated people. In some ways we are a lot alike and in many ways we are extremely different. Our childhoods are polar opposites. I’m the weird kid with no Dad and an emotionally unavailable Mother. He is the little boy that had 4 other siblings and even though they were not a wealthy family lived the American dream. His Mom actually saved little bits of money (from his Dad’s teachers salary, a great story for another day.) so they could go to Disney world every other year. They would stay in the campground in their camper. I mean come on, in my mind thats amazing!

 It doesn’t really matter after 27 years, but somehow the quirky bits of who we are melding into are tangled up. I have a husband that loves me with all his heart, works hard everyday and tries  so hard to do things that he knows I will love, but he struggles so much with how to communicate with me. Is it possible to figure that out? I know I hurt him today. I saw his eyes change just for a quick second when I shot my emotional rubber bullet at him. That’s how I sent the love of my life off for the day. Wounded and confused. When we know better we do better. I know I made a mistake. I feel sadness just knowing I hurt this person that means so much. 

Relating to someone is not as easy as it seems. There has to be a two way street and you both have to walk it. When one person is in need the other must respond. Relationships require relations its the biggest and most important part of the word! The hard part is getting the other uncooperative related relater to relate on the same level as you. UGH!

I know that an apology is due. I also know that a conversation is due as well. These things will require two people digging deep and listening. Listening is a big part of keeping a relationship happy, healthy and sane.  

Our Bodies Are Our Own

Grandma, Me and Mommy 1962

PLEASE NOTE: this story is difficult to tell and includes details that may upset some. I have decided to share it because I believe the time is right. I know many will disagree with my personal feelings on the end result, but I hope you will respect my Mom’s truth. I have carried this story in my mind most of my life. When I think of it, I see everything as if it was recent. Some stories should be kept personal and private, but this story needs to be told NOW.

I was around 3 to 5 years old and my Mom and I were living with my Grandparents. I still remember everything as if it was yesterday. My Grandma and Granddaddy were on a vacation. It was just my Mom and I at home. I remember wondering where my Mommy was and looking around for her. I knocked on the bathroom door and Mommy told me to go to my room. Since no one was home I was feeling very lonely but I did what my Mommy told me too.

I don’t recall the exact amount of time, but after what felt like years to my little girl self, my Mommy called out for me. She asked me to call her good friend Shirley. I was little, I didn’t really know how to call anybody and I didn’t have any idea what a phone number was. I remember a feeling of worry and being afraid. Since I could not figure anything out, my Mom had to come out of the bathroom and get the phone number for me. I had to call “Miss Shirley” and ask her to come right away. I honestly remember feeling so stressed. I had never dialed a phone, let alone called Miss Shirley and Mommy seemed very upset. Children tend to react the way the adults react and I remember that the stress and worry was causing me great distress. Once I finally dialed the phone and Miss Shirley answered I kept repeating what my Mom had said. Basically it was “please come, I need your help”. Miss Shirley did come and eventually things calmed down. But my little girl heart was changed that day. The innocence that I had when I woke up that morning was diminished.

I remember my Grandparents coming home from their trip and Grandma being angry about a giant blood stain on her living room carpet. I also remember my Grandma literally beating my Mom. This wasn’t the first time I had witnessed Grandma beating my Mom but this time and one other time (and a different story) were horrifying. My Mom tried very hard to clean the spot but eventually my Grandma had to get new carpet.

At some point in my life I remember Mom telling me that she had aborted a baby that day. She shared that she had used a hanger to rid her body of the fetus that was from her boyfriend an (abusive animal) “Joe V”. She had used a HANGER inside her body because she had no options. I would share more about the abusive loser my Mom was with at the time, but this is really about having a Choice.

I have to be honest and tell you that I believe everyone should CHOOSE what happens to their own body. I don’t agree with anyone  (man or woman) deciding for another what they should do or not do with their body. I say this because I watched my own mother suffer for years because of what she did to her body that day. If she had been able to choose, I don’t think this would have been her first choice. I understand that you might not agree with a choice someone else has made or is making. I go through this everyday when I’m out and about and see some of the things people CHOOSE to wear, but it is NONE of my business. I realize that clothing choices are a much less weighty subject then the right for a Woman to decide for herself what she will do with her own body and somehow I feel if this arrow was pointing at a man, they would change their minds real fast.

So thats it, thats my piece of mind for today. If you disagree, I hope we can still be friends and respect each other. I still like you.

(Respectful dialogue is welcome and encouraged in comments)

Life Is what happens while your too down to care

So a little over two years ago I I hit an invisible wall. I pushed away (perhaps ran away) from the person I have always been. I was a person who engaged with others and invited people over, made new friends, volunteered, cleaned my house, grocery shopped, made  meals and even exercised. Oh and I wrote a blog. I tried as hard as I could to stay who I was but it only made things worse. I felt bad, sad, mad all the “ad” words and nothing was fixing it.

I dug an internal shelter in my mind and started burying everything I was. I felt bombarded with self loathing, self doubting, and disliked most things I once enjoyed. I was convinced that it was everything, but what IT was. I went to the doctor and didn’t like what they said, so I went to a different doctor who put me on medication and then I became even more of a different person but I convinced myself I was doing much better. It’s medication, it is suppose to fix you, Right?

Over the last couple months, I have stopped all the meds and ramped up my exercise routine. I have started doing things I haven’t done in so long I’m embarrassed. I cleaned my front kitchen window for the first time in two years. Now I find myself openly joyous at how clean my front window is. “Look, everything outside is so sunny and green!” I’m seriously a little nuts about it, but I don’t care. I feel more like myself than I have in years. I will say some of my past issues have returned. I talk to much, my brain goes nonstop and I make friends with strangers. The making friends with strangers is basically locating someone who at the moment who is in a similar situation or contemplating a similar purchase or just some poor soul that crossed my path and can’t escape.

I know what started the downward spiral, but its not important. What’s important is that when it started I couldn’t fight it. I would just lean in to the feelings of bad, sad, and mad and thats where I lived. It became my place to be. Being depressed is not a funny thing. It’s this cold, dark and moldy place that basically claims you as its own. I couldn’t really talk to my friends or family about it because I just could not coup with people sweetly telling me I was going to be ok. I did NOT want pity and I did not want to be treated differently. That last bit is tough, because I was different and a bit weirdly uncomfortable and snarky. There is no way to bring it up that “I” realize I was a HOT MESS. I just plan to move forward with me, who I am, who I like and who knows ME best.

 I’m back at this blogging thing and I assure you that you will hear from me at least once  a week. The best part is I am GLAD (which is another “ad” word) and that has been missing from my life for too long. Being better doesn’t mean I don’t still have things to work on. I’m still a bit feisty, which may not be a bad thing. I have never been great at sticking up for myself (except with my husband LOL).

Basically my living game is back up and running. It’s been a long road but I don’t regret walking it. It was like walking on a road where the trees block most of the light. Your ok, it is pretty, but it still doesn’t feel ok.  All you really want is more light. That’s where I’m at now. Stretching, doing a little upward dog, downward dog and soaking up spring like a sponge. AHHHH, so good to be a little bit more me again.

(Please don’t be shy to comment, hearing from you will motivate me to annoy you with my writing even more.)

This Girl Is Alright

I recently caused quite a stir within my family when I made a crazy rash decision. I was actually pretty surprised at my families response. I was just minding my own business and drinking my morning coffee when an idea hit me. I mulled the idea over, called my husband to let him know I had a plan and asked for his blessing (even though I knew I was going to go through with my plan no matter what...)

Now please don’t judge me, but I decided to move my furniture around.  My hubby was very cool about the whole moving furniture issue. His only request “Don’t move the furniture by yourself”. Not sure how you move things without moving things, but I agreed anyway. I know what your thinking, but I’m not a bad person. I cant help if I like things to change once in a while. For years I had wanted to swap my living room and dining room and didn’t because the guilt was so strong. Change things? Why? Your family is counting on your sameness to keep things together. If you go changing things, what else could go wrong? 

Soooo, I got to work. I was gonna flip my life on its ear and move furniture. Others have done it and come back from the edge. I’m sure that I can make a change and not up end our lives as we know them. Cue, furniture moving began. Sliding, pushing, pulling and removing no longer needed pieces of furniture. Boom, I was feeling fantastic. Look at me designing a new living space. I sent pictures to my 3 daughters sharing my accomplishment and joy. Yay me!

I was ready to switch things up and so I did. I didn’t cheat on my husband or eat a whole cake all by myself (although it does sound good! The cake I mean...) I just decided to make a few changes to my home. My children all live on their own now and crazy me wants change. Towards the end of this week of change I went with a friend for coffee in this adorable shop that had hilarious tea towels and all sorts of cute items including a lamp that I decided I really wanted. This lamp...which I promptly asked for for Mother’s Day...

https://www.antiquefarmhouse.com/dog-shaped-table-lamp.html?gclid=Cj0KCQjw-tXlBRDWARIsAGYQAmc-XoDg-o04IcXCJqdu5VxmWJzuxxGapW5G07J2lJYGlfgeGtwUgswaAuMiEALw_wcB

(This is not the shop I was at, but this is cheaper and the same lamp!)

....brought on 3 NO’s and an (Are you serious? ) from my 3 daughters. It is important to note that I know it is ridiculous, but it made me laugh and life is short. Laughing is the best medicine. But apparently the joke was on me. As I’m laughing with my friend about this lamp and enjoying a great latte. My children were texting each other wondering if I’m ok. Why is she moving all the furniture? Why the lamp? What’s going on with Mom? The quick answer NOTHING! Mom is perfectly fine, just trying some new things. I think what really got to me was when one the the girls suggested I should find a place to volunteer. Apparently my desire to switch things up at home was a cry for help. 

I love that my girls were worried about me. Thank God they love me and worry about me! How lucky am I? I just don’t want them worrying because I have  decided to do things around the house. Worry about me if I walk into to traffic or forget where I live. Don’t worry because I’m making changes. This is time for me to create and be the person I put off being because I had poured my time in to them. My daughters are all strong independent women and they are and always will be just perfect the way they are. In the end, I changed my mind about the lamp anyway! LOL

So don’t worry about this girl, because

THIS GIRL IS ALRIGHT!

Treasure

My husband and I went on vacation to someplace warm and sunny a while back. It was a wonderful relaxing get away, something that we had not done without our children EVER! That alone was exciting. Our schedule was our own and I guarantee if you try it you will love it. Of course we have waited over 20 years to do it. I have grey hairs from waiting so long. Annnyyyway...one of the things that I found interesting and relaxing to do was search for sea glass and shells that may have washed up on the beach. Sea glass comes from glass items that deteriorate in the water and the little bits and pieces wash up having been tumbled and smoothed in the sand...brown, white and green, and on a lucky day you might find the elusive blue. It was like treasure hunting, finding these pretty pieces and tucking them into my pocket to admire and put in a jar when I got home.

Thinking about these treasures made me also think about my treasures. Bits and pieces of me that have been tumbled and polished over the years and also the pieces of me that have become trapped and don't seem to surface as they once did. These are the treasures that we set aside over time thinking we will come back to them one day.

I want so badly to find away to get back to that part of me. 

I want to focus on the wonder and joy around me but many times get trapped in Facebook scrolling through so many wonderful sayings and stories and then often times horrified and saddened. I spend way to much time flicking my finger on the screen scanning the treasures of others while mine sit dormant. I know I have something in me that is tumbling and polishing its self and I just need to stop and take the time to search for it.

It will not be as easy as walking on the warm sunny beach...(sigh) but somehow I know if I take the time to relax and focus on the calmness and the thrill of the hunt I may even find an elusive shiny something that reminds me that I have treasure left inside me.

The Mean Girl

The Mean Girl

I was raised by a single mother. I spent a good part of my life moving from one place or another and back again. I moved so often I never really had good friends or relationships with other families. Generally I was the odd one. Always being the new kid with acne and no Dad, pretty much made me odd most of the places I moved too. Let’s just say that being bullied was not on anyone’s social awareness radar and name calling and hurtful events ensued. I would share some of the mean things that kids did and said (since when you are bullied, you never forget), but honestly it serves no purpose. The wound is still open and I don’t want to add salt.

After years of being bullied it became part of my inner dialogue. After a while I became my own bully. Looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly girl who was never good enough. No matter how hard I tried to be “good enough”, I failed. I would end up looking in the mirror ridiculing myself or carrying the mean girl bag around with me so if I had a free minute I could find a reason why I was not good enough. It’s really not hard to be your own bully once you have the right tools.

There I was standing in front of the mirror telling myself I am ugly. I dress poorly, I’m fat, no one likes me and cursing the fates for dealing me the acne card. I was uncomfortable in my own skin to the point of not being able to walk in to a restaurant alone for fear someone would see how ugly I am and make me leave. My inner mean girl dialogue reminding me that when people are looking at me all they see is someone that doesn’t measure up. I bullied myself so much that I know I have emotional scars from it. 

I have spent many years working with therapists trying to remove my inner mean girl and learning to believe in myself. I think at this point in my life I am as good as I’m ever going to be to myself. Just as I get there, my aging process decides to put a few reminders on my face and body that I am no spring chicken. Awesome! Now I have a whole new agenda for my personal mean girl to point out, aging. I know I am a mean girl to myself and I know that I am not really the person I think I see in the mirror or imagine I am. That however does not stop me from reaching back to those days of being the odd new fatherless girl with acne. I have to be honest those bully’s from my youth really got there words worth of damage in. 

My point with all this is, we are better than we think we are. If we just give ourselves a break and look around we realize that we are all flawed. Even the mean girls who found such pleasure in hurting someone else just so they felt better about themselves. Now I see that the people that strike out the most at others are the most wounded of us all. That reflection we think we see means nothing. It’s who we are, how we love others and how we do our best to reach out and remind others that there is always someone to take their hand and walk with them through the tough stuff. 

My mean girl has become faint and she is less critical, but she hangs around still. Why give up a good gig when you’ve got it? I’m not sure I will ever be completely done bullying myself, but I have come a long way since the sad days in front of the mirror. Now I have friends that love and support me. A husband that loves me just like I am and reminds me of that often, and finally my 3 daughters who have grown into amazing self sufficient women. So back off mean girl, I’m not all that bad after all!

REDEFINING

Here we are, early spring, birds chirping, sun shining, light hearted and ready for snow to slip away. Spring always seems like it sweeps in to remove the thorn of winter and make things right again. I guess in away, spring is our hero.

The birds are chirping, even on this frost covered crisp morning. I have watched birds flutter about trying to find a place to call home. Their excitement for this new season has ignited my own excitement for the changes ahead. I keep looking out for the fluttering wings and beautiful colors that spring unfolds for us. It is like spring slowly opens her hand and shares her rainbow of color and tosses excitement into the creatures around us. I felt such joy the other day when I saw a cardinal perched on a tree in my backyard. I stood watching the beautiful bird preen and look about for the next place to fly to.

Now I realize I am in my own spring. I have an overflowing agenda in the next couple months. Lots of excitement as my youngest daughter graduates college, my grandson who radiates joy and a zest for life turns one year old and brings an opportunity to see my oldest daughter and share that special time with them. Last but not least, my middle daughter will be getting married. All wonderful exciting events that I am looking forward to.

Eventually I will be back to redefining myself. I am moving out of the season of mothering into the season of being me. I struggle with the thought of focusing on myself. It is not something I have done for sometime and I believe I have lost the ability to look at myself as a priority. I am so use to wanting happiness and a good life for my family that I have tucked myself away in my mothering cloak. I may have to wrestle a bit of myself out from under the cloak. This will be a good time to do a little spring cleaning of my own and discover the treasures of who I am when I am not completely responsible for someone else’s well being. 

I am excited to rediscover myself. Who is this person that I tucked away and does she want the same things or is she ready to switch things up? One thing I know is that I have been a huge slacker with my writing and I miss it terribly. I have wondered if I set it aside so that I could just rest my brain or if I lost faith in myself and the stories I share. Whatever the reason was its time to return and let my words tumble out of my head into my fingers and on to my personal nest.

Nesting my thoughts and bringing them to life are a joy for me. The stories I have written bring me joy and they have made me cry, but each one has a big piece of me hanging out there that I want to share so that someone else feels like they are not alone. Laughing and crying over who we are, where we are and where we want to go makes us better. Each moment of revelation is another twig in our nest as we begin to rebuild ourselves. Sometimes its not about flying away, sometimes its about making a new nest with new ideas, new plans and loving ourselves because...just because, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and its spring. Exciting, beautiful, sunny, lighthearted spring.

Facebook Vs Friendship

There is nothing quite like a hot cup of tea or coffee, a candle burning and quiet music playing. It is calming and centering. This was how I would begin my morning writing session. I use to make time for this habit each morning and then I discovered Facebook. I avoided Facebook for a while and then after some good natured pressure by friends that wanted to “keep in touch” I made the leap. Now it feels like there is no going back. 

How do I leave Facebook? I have friends and family that do not live near by and I am able to keep up on what is happening with them and their families. There are funny quotes and dog and cat videos and and and blah blah blah. Basically, I have trapped myself into following the crowd instead of blazing my own trail. I use to encourage people to join Facebook and I use to except friends left and right. Now I’m thinning out my friends list and expressing admiration to the few that say they are not on Facebook

It started when it hit home that not all those people were my friends. People that actually asked to be my friend would walk past me and not even acknowledge me. That hit me kind of hard, “Wait...what’s wrong? Aren’t we friends?” Obviously, I didn’t say that, but I would walk around with a giant chip on my shoulder and complain to my poor husband (He could care less because he got off Facebook) because “Why would someone ask to be your friend when they don’t know you well enough to recognize you?” That’s when I stepped back and thought Ohhhh. I am just as much to blame, I accepted their friend requests.

Somehow I had the idea that each and every one of them truly wanted to be my friend. The truth is I was probably a friend of a friend of theirs and hey why not? Friendship is a big deal to me and I treasure each and every person that IS a friend of mine. I like seeing the new babies and the weddings and the joyful families all together. That’s what really matters to me, the relationship. Relationship comes from sharing life with people not staring at their feed on Facebook.   

I enjoy meeting with my friends for coffee or lunch or dinner and actually hearing their voice. I look forward to the times when I can relax with friends and share stories and talk and laugh and truly bond.  There isn’t any true bonding going on as I flick my finger past peoples lives on Facebook. People share and say some crazy crap on Facebook and many times I’m sitting here wondering if they would say the same things if they were face to face with the person, actually talking instead of hiding behind Facebooks shield.

Truth be told I’m not leaving Facebook. I am a glutton for punishment. I am, however, going to be more discerning about using Facebook as a way to relieve my waiting room moments or  the times that I could be just sitting and watching the sunrise quietly or reading a book. Actually a book is a terrific idea. I haven’t read a book in quite a while. I was too busy keeping up with all my friends on Facebook (insert eye roll here). I think my plan now is to choose friendship and face to face contact over  Facebook and flicking through someone’s life. I want to be experiencing life with them. Wish me luck my friend and SEE you soon!

Swallowed Whole

After a very long break I am ready to get back to sharing my life for anyone willing to read it. I have spent way to long feeling grumpy/sad/depressed and basically a no fun grumbly human being. My friends noticed, I know they did. No one directly asked “What the heck is wrong with you?” But you could tell. I have good people in my life, but usually they are very careful about calling out the person who is bringing the party down. Sometimes calling out the grump ruins your whole time with said grump and everyone else that wants to be there and enjoy themselves.

The hardest part about being in a slump like I had was the fact that some of my friends most certainly took it personally. How could they not? My droopy attitude was not exactly the light in the room. Your people are there having a wonderful friendly time and crab ass is working hard at being invested, but just can’t quite get there because her sad self is focused on how disconnected she has become and how (thanks to the way my mind thinks) no one likes her. Here is the thing...If no one liked me, why would they want to be with me? I don’t have idiots for friends or in my family. Why would anyone intentionally invite you to a party if they don’t like you? It’s not like we are all 12 years old and their Mom made them!

There are a few reasons for why I shut down inside. I know what they are and I have let them go. I realized the best way to fight back the inner ugly me was to remember what made me happy and start doing those things again. My first step was to turn to my writing. Writing is something that heals me. I definitely need to keep healing so you are witness to step one of my road back. You read it here first! 

My second step was working hard to be more connected to my family. I really struggled with my family growing up and leaving home. I of course knew this would happen. That’s what parents shoot for, right? The truth is I selfishly expected them to work hard on being in touch with me and I didn’t think about the two way street. My girls all have busy active lives. To expect them to constantly touch base with me is so unfair. I loved being a Mom and mothering my daughters. They may have wondered at different times in their lives if this was true, but being a Mom is the best job I have ever had. Somehow in my mind when they all grew up, my mind decided it meant I was done. Truth be told, you are never done being a Mom. You just change from Full-time Mom to Part-time. That leaves open time for Mom to try new things and focus on herself for the first time in honestly, decades. Now, I try to call and touch base with each of my 3 daughters as much as possible. Many days one or more will cross my mind and I just send them a text to check in or plan a call for a specific time. That’s life in 2020 catch them when you can!

My third step is to reconnect to the love of my life, my husband, Mark. These last couple years have been very busy and with a grumpy/sad/depressed wife you can imagine how fun I have been. Mark and I both know that it takes two to tango and after some intense talks and honest conversation, the people we were, have started coming back to life. The truth is love changes, but your heart knows love and doesn’t let it go. We love spending time together and doing things together, we just got swallowed up in all the “to do” lists and life’s happenings while we were making other plans and forgot that we need each other as much as we do. It feels good to be able to openly talk about the feelings that I carried around and angrily blamed him for. 

My heart is finally healing and my head is mostly clear. I would say that I am probably 90% better. There is still a little piece of me that lurks on the darker side but those things are not things I can control and I do my best to glance in that direction to keep tabs on things, but not let myself get swallowed whole and revert to Debbie total downer again. It just isn't fun to be sad. It literally brings me to tears just writing that, but its true. No one goes there on purpose. No one wants to be grumpy/sad/depressed. It just slowly grows inside you and one day you realize you have been swallowed whole. If you are swallowed whole, or know of someone that is please talk to them, share your heart, phone a friend or just slowly find your way back. Trust me, you are missed.