Release Your Story

It was 46 some odd years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Every detail is still firmly seeded in my brain. It is something that you never forget but never think about until you hear someone else’s story. I was molested. I was 10 years old and entrusted to the care of my Mom’s boyfriend for one night, the next day her girlfriend would be by to take me to her house. Mom had to go out of town to help care for my aunt who had become very ill and she made quick decisions and left.

I remember the feeling of being left, how alone I felt and when this boyfriend came to comfort me I was immediately uncomfortable. I knew in my young heart that something wasn’t right, but I was alone and I didn’t know what to do. I honestly let myself believe that what happened was nothing. When my Mom’s girlfriend came to have me stay with her until Mom would come home, I let my young brain put a band aid on this wound and tucked the molestation away. I felt I had done something wrong and I didn’t want to get in trouble. So now I was alone and guilty.

This boyfriend eventually broke up with my mom because of me. He told her I was out of control, I had problems and it was just too much for him to take. After he left, my Mom yelled at me and told me what he had said to her and how her sadness was because of me. I remember being hurt and sad because I was still alone with this truth inside me that I felt I couldn’t tell because this would be my fault too.

The problem with the band aid I had applied to my brain was it would slip off now and then. The memory would come up and I would indict myself and shrink back to that little lonely girl. I know that that molestation changed me. I went from trusting and being happy to being angry and lashing out. I was longing for love but afraid to let anyone close.

Once when I was 19 years old I was driving me and my Mom home from an outing. She spotted that old boyfriend on the side of the road with car trouble. She asked me to stop and I told her “NO”, and then I told her why…she didn’t believe me. That was when I knew It was not me that had the problem, that’s when I knew I really was alone and I was the only one that could keep me safe.

I have spent many years going to therapy and counseling working hard to work my way through that young life. It takes time, lots and lots of time and you still can never erase the moment that changed your life. All you can do is decide that what defines you is better than that one moment. I reach out to that lonely little girl as much as I can. I do silly things and try to laugh and live life to its fullest every single day. I had to rip the band aid off to heal. I couldn’t keep pretending to protect others while I let myself suffer.

All it took was a friend talking about girls that are in difficult situations and what she was hoping to do to help them and protect them so that nothing happens to them. That conversation brought back that day long long ago. This time though I decided it was better to tell you about it than turn it back on myself. There are more victims of molestation and rape out there than we know. I think that is because we put that mental band aid on and hope that it protects us from remembering. Eventually you have to talk about it. Release your story into the capable hands of a counselor or therapist and grab your life back. It is great revenge to live your life fully.