The “Tude”

It's not pretty, but it's the way it is. There have been a few minor (and one or two major) irritations in my life that have grown into a very bad attitude. I find myself with this invisible storm cloud over my head and I cannot seem to shake it. This normally active person has become a couch potato. I have watched more television in the last week then I probably watched all of last year. My already shaky grocery shopping and dinner preparation has taken an even bigger nose dive. I am the victim of a major "tude".

I know what I need to do to get out of it, but I am not ready to put the effort out yet. Part of me is enjoying the self pity and over all disappointment. I push myself constantly to be on my game and stay on my game, and right now it just feels good to be out of the game. All that is required is a pair of comfortable sweat pants and a t-shirt. I do not have to fuss. I do not have to worry about looking good, because the TV does not care what I look like. My family are all busy with their own pursuits and really do not seem to care all that much that I have only made a couple of decent meals in the last few days or that my energy is expelled once I ask how their days were. Today, I will have to pull it together and get some things done. I will even have to do a little grocery shopping; that will be a little easier if the bank replaces the money that is missing from our account. Otherwise, I will be returning bottles to fund the care and feeding of my family.

Perhaps my attitude comes from the missing money, or maybe it is from dealing with all of the issues that Aly has had lately, or could it be the stress of the continued aggravation of trying to settle my Mom's estate. I should note that my sister is doing the lion's share of the work on that because she has the knowledge and experience. I am merely the one that nods and says "Sounds like a plan", or "Great job thanks for doing that". If I am stressed, I cannot imagine what she is going through. Maybe my attitude comes from the dealings with my aunt, the constant juggling of her life within our lives. I do know that some of my "tude" comes from a deep feeling that I let my Mom down. Reality is I could not have changed her life that she chose with my Dad, but at the end when I saw that her life was not being honored and treasured it hurt me. In some ways it beat me down and I have not bounced back from that. It is like reaching for that treasured glass as you see it falling and knowing that nothing you do can save it; it's a lost cause.

There it is the wick on my candle of attitude, the lost cause. Each little thing has piled up around this one lost cause and made it larger than my life. I cannot turn back the clock, I cannot change the past and I cannot seem to move forward. I am just stuck in my sweatpants with an attitude. I have pushed myself to get out of this and instead I have cemented myself in it. This is going to take a lot longer than I thought; I just hope my family does not starve in the mean time.