I woke up to crying. It was a soft and painful type of crying, the type you hear when someone is very sad; it was 4:00 AM. I laid there for a minute getting my bearings and trying to distinguish where the crying was coming from and decided it was Aly. I climbed out of bed and stood in the hallway but did not hear it anymore, so I opened Aly's door and said "Are you alright?" There was no answer, so I stood there for a minute and listened. Aly sat up then and I asked again, "Are you alright?" "Yeah why?" she replied. "No reason, I thought I heard something." I went back to my bed and laid there listening but did not hear the crying anymore. That's when my mind took over and I woke Mark up and asked him to hold me. I was FREAKED OUT! I know I heard the crying, but where was it coming from? Who was it?
This all comes on after I spent some time yesterday thinking about my parents (once again) and all of the things that had happened in the last couple of years. I had heard a discussion yesterday about forgiveness and I caught myself thinking back to a few months ago when I forgave my Dad for all of the emotional pain that he inflicted. There have been times when I wondered if he did the things he did on purpose or if he was just so narcissistic1 that he moved about his life doing as he pleased and did not realize what he did to others. I have such a difficult time understanding how people can deceive and hurt others. How does someone intentionally set out to harm someone else and justify that within themselves? Perhaps it is best that I do not understand it. My forgiveness was not based on my understanding of his actions, it was based solely on my desire to be set free of the anger and hurt so that I could move on and become fully engaged and present in my own life.
That to me was the best thing I ever did for myself. I did not forgive him because his actions were suddenly acceptable to me; I forgave him only to set myself free. Forgiveness does not make the actions of another any less or even lesson their responsibility for the pain and hurt they have caused, but it does diminish the size of pain and hurt you feel. It was hard enough to live through it without dragging the anger around with me for the rest of my life. There are so many other wonderful people in my life that deserve that time and attention. Until the moment I forgave him, I did not understand the whole concept of forgiving.
This of course does not explain the crying I heard. It was not a dream, I heard it, but was it inside me or was it something else? I wish I knew. I do know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my Mom. I sometimes wonder if she is trying to communicate with me. I hope that she knows now that everything that happened in my life has made me the person that I am today, and despite a few glitches, I like that person. I am sad that I did not have the relationship with my Mom that I have with my girls, but I am grateful that I was able to walk away from the dysfunction, (most of it anyway) and have this great family and life. So, please don't cry whoever you are, I am OK. I am making it, it's not always easy, (especially when you cannot fall back to sleep) but I have both feet firmly planted and my heart is full of love. The saying goes; "Revenge is sweet." I have to believe that Forgiveness is sweeter.
From Dictionary.com
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
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