Faith

In the past few weeks (maybe even years) our family has been bombarded with one stress after another. Family members dying, family betrayals, divorce, job loss and more, many of which have caused me to clinch my teeth, over react, cry, scream and yell. For some reason Mark being unemployed never really upset me.

I have been consistently calm and patient and the feeling has been that when the time is right everything will fall into place, and now it has. Being upset about what you cannot control really serves no purpose. We have been pretty steady at the helm of this from the beginning, other than a couple of tough days when our calm and patience wavered for a moment or two. I have just always had faith that everything would work out all in good time.

Now, I am faced with an excursion to New Orleans and I am wondering where my faith is hiding. Tomorrow I leave for a four day trip to meet with attorneys, bankers and realtors and hopefully remove anything else that still remains in the house that belonged to my Mom. I am unable to release my grip on this event and allow faith to carry me. I want so badly to turn it over and over and examine every detail. I will not be alone, my sister who is co-executor is also coming along and truth be told she has been the driving force behind keeping the ball in play on resolving all the issues involved. But for some reason I have not packed my faith.

I continue to worry about what is fair and right. I continue to forgive and retreat from my forgiveness of the different players in this game of estateopoly. I also continue to have faith and then lose it again. I long for the calm patience that carried me through the job search. Where is it, why does it elude me?

Somewhere in this time is a lesson that I am meant to learn and I intend to figure it out. I want to be able to climb on that plane tomorrow and believe that no matter what the outcome it is out of my hands and that my best course is to release the worry, unclench my jaw and ride the wave. It will be what it will be. No amount of stress will ever make the next few days any better. The only thing that will really make a difference is faith and I need to find some and pack it.

In the end whether things go the way we want them to or not we will be moving towards a resolution and quite honestly that is a high priority. These estate issues have been on our plate far too long and I am very tired of having to hear the name of the woman that adultered with my Dad in conjunction with my Mom. It is painful. I want the past that includes this woman, to actually become the past and I want to move on.

That is going to take a lot of faith and it will also require me giving up my power and control. There needs to be a new driver of this train wreck and I know it can no longer be me. I am officially removing my hands from the wheel and letting my faith carry the load for a change. No amount of crying, screaming, tooth clenching or hysterics will fix this situation just some good old fashioned praying and releasing is all I have left and somehow I think that is what it will take. I just have to have faith.