Along Comes Guilt

It should come as no surprise to anyone that I am harboring intense guilt for being under the weather. I was admonished this morning by my husband and caregiver (Ubu…my loving nickname for Mark, sounds like Eww Boo), for trying to get back up to speed and hit the ground running today. I feel that since I am feeling better I should get back to life. I have tasks to take care of for my Great Aunts estate and our taxes to do as well as cleaning and…you get the picture.

Guilt is a great motivator, it has been said before and I agree. Regardless of where you are at physically or emotionally, once guilt hits you are a goner. Nothing can stop you from turning the thoughts of being a loser and user around and around in your head. Maybe it's just me, but once the name calling starts in my head I feel the need to prove I am neither of those things, at least to myself if no one else.

This morning I woke up and made the bed, tidied my room and headed to the kitchen to throw out old mail and wipe off counters. I spent the entire time grousing about my messy family and crabbing at Ubu (Mark) about little things until he had had enough and stopped me, looked me in the eye and said "What's wrong?" In full female fashion I replied "Nothing" Mark then cocked his head sideways and said, "Really?" I think he is on to me about the whole "nothing" thing, you know how it is ladies, you are ticked, and you cannot put your finger on what the issue is, so…it's nothing or everything, your choice. My ticked was actually at myself. I was smothering myself in guilt and trying to fight my way out, literally.

Now I am back seated in my chair with my feet up somewhat subdued but still feeling like I need to get back at real life. Guilt is the great motivator whether you should be motivated or not. I am also busy crabbing about anything I can think of because apparently I want to have a fight with my hubby or at least that is his perception. Mine is that by complaining and pointing out holes in his abilities as caregiver and temporary doer of all things home related I keep my job here at home secure.

For today I will attempt to do my taxes and compile the papers I need to for my Aunt's estate. It really does not seem like anything at all, but according to Ubu it is enough. I have also been advised that as soon as I feel "better" I overdo it and never properly heal. Whatever, guilt is guilt and it manifests itself in many forms. I use mine to motivate while others use alcohol, drugs, eating you name it. I actually feel pretty good about my choice for soothing my guilty conscience. Anyway, the temporary captain of the home ship has put the kibosh on any extra guilt motivated activities today so I might as well relax and rest one more day, but after my doctor appointment tomorrow, LOOK OUT!