Day 361 The Perfect Mom Project

This mornings sky reflects my feeling today...patchy clouds.

When the alarm went off at 4:40 AM this morning, I was less then enthused, but I have made a commitment to myself to run the local 5K race two weeks from today, so I have to be ready. Running will get me ready, so at 5:00 AM this morning, that's what Mark and I did. It is possible that I ran a little farther than I have run in the past, but I never know until Mark figures it out for me, regardless of the distance, I ran and that's what counts.

 I have spent my life pushing through the hard stuff, I know no other way. I have never allowed myself much self pity. Honestly, most people do not care about your hard stuff, because they are dealing with their own, so after a few rough patches in my life where there was not too much sympathy or support around, I could tell that the best way to deal with a problem was to walk through it. No one else can get you on the other side, that is your job. That is not to say that I do not talk about my hard stuff with others, I just know when it gets down to the nitty gritty, my work begins. No one is standing there but me. My problem = my solution.

 So my problem is that I am fighting this mysterious bout of depression and anger. I know that there are one or two things hanging out there that might have caused this, but it does not matter what matters is getting out of it…or running through it. I am striking out at my kids and my husband because they are close and easy to get to. The annoyances that are common in my relationship with my family are amplified and instead of dealing with them in a compassionate way, I am direct and to the point with no interest in softening the blow. There must be a way to go through this and come out of it without to much shrapnel impaled on my family. That is the hard stuff that I have right now, depression, anger and trying not to take my family down with me. Not an easy task for this less than perfect Mom.

 So for now, I am on the run. Making my way through the expectations of others and the disappointments I have with my family and trying hard not to go completely under. I am going to be fine, I have been here before and the territory all looks familiar. The difference is that this time I am not going to sink below sea level; I am going to stay right here and keep running until I am out of this. Just being an ordinary Mom with no higher expectations is all I can muster right now. If "Good Enough Mother" was not already someone else's registered trademark I would be more than willing to make it my own, because right now perfection is NO where in sight!