My sister Kelie and I had a conversation about parenting yesterday. We were talking about my Mom and how self centered she had been as a parent. When my Mom and Dad married Kelie was only eleven years old, so she also had to deal with my Mom's inadequate parenting. What struck me in this conversation was that Kelie shared how once she had her sons, she felt like the world stopped noticing her and only noticed her boys. She said she felt like once she had them she would walk into a room and the boys were the focus not her and it was a real eye opener. I give my sister a lot of credit. She is not bitter or hurt by this, she stated it as a fact and she moved on. She did not shove her boys aside for her own pursuits; she made her life fit their lives, which is what good moms do.
We both realize that my Mom was not able to do this. She had a hard enough time taking care of herself, so there was no way she could have done more that what she did for us. The part of this that makes me happy is that somehow Kelie and I figured out that we wanted something better for our kids and we made it happen. We also both feel that at some point as adults, you have to stop blaming someone else for whom you are and except the responsibility to stay the same or change you. Kelie told me yesterday, "Suddenly my life wasn't about me anymore, it was about my boys" At which point, I said "That's why you have girlfriends, they are your escape!" I tried to explain to her that having women friends that you talk to and hang out with and share life's load with helps keep you a better mom. Being a Mom is an amazing gift, there has never been a time that I have thought that I would not want this job, that being said, there have been times when I would have leaped out of the car and made a run for it, because I was just overloaded with the childrearing, fighting siblings, sassy mouths and over scheduled days! That is when a good conversation with a girlfriend or two can make all the difference. You are suddenly free, just having a conversation with your gal pals, laughing at yourself and life and just hanging out. This is one time when you walk in the room that your friends look around the kids, to just see you.
As a Mom you give up a little slice of yourself, but you gain an enormous amount of love. It is absolutely worth it. Every late night up when they are sick, every tantrum I diffuse or as in today's instance, stopping my blogging to drop my youngest off so she can go camping with friends, is worth being a little less me and a little more of a Mom. Between the love you gain and the girlfriend network you build, you will find that your life is full and rich beyond measure. I think I am a better person because of the amazing women that stand behind me and support me. The nice part is that I am lucky enough to be able to do the same for them when they need it.
I would be remiss if I did not also add that my sister is a brilliant woman who owns her own business and works hard. She pours time and energy into her sons and her company and has a little left over for her husband too. When I suggest to her that she should spend time with her girlfriends, I am sure she is wondering when she could pull that off. All I can say that it is important to your well being to make time just for you. It is also great when you can model good self care for your kids. I think we moms are worth it, and I want my kids to know I am worth it. I did not learn this from my mom, but that's OK, because I am responsible for me now. So today I fit my kids into my life and love every minute of it, because I know if I need back up I have a whole network of women who would be there for me. I also know if Kelie needs me, I am here waiting, ready, willing and able to look directly at her and only her.
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