My Mom was a professional ballet dancer. She danced until she gave birth to me at 23 years old and then she danced for about a year after that. She then taught dance on and off for several years. At some point, she gave up dance all together and really never did much that was remotely physical. My mom was also not a big reader and she did not have many friends or even much of a social life. Her life became more about her sewing. My Mom stitched a lot of clothing and machine embroidery pieces. She had a talent for sewing, but it was a lonely hobby. I think Mom liked that she could cocoon into her sewing room and not have to deal with the outside world.
I always wonder if her isolation and lack of physical exercise contributed to her Alzheimer's disease. I know that she obsessed about getting Alzheimer's because my Granddaddy became ill with the disease late in his life and Mom was worried that she would one day have it too. Now I find myself in the same position, wondering and worrying about whether or not I will meet the same fate. My life does not parallel hers at all, so I keep trying to convince myself that I will be fine, but every so often, when I forget a word or cannot seem to pull something up from my brain that I know is in there, I have doubts. Now I find myself trying to beat a disease that may or may not be hiding in the shadows waiting for me. It is kind of scary. I also do not like the fact that I cannot seem to release this worry from my mind. I had a friend suggest recently that I look into the possibility of genetic testing to see if Alzheimer's is even in my genes and the thought of actually knowing almost seemed worse than just wondering. Do I really want to know that I have Alzheimer's? So instead, I run and walk and read and socialize and hope for the best. This is one illness that for the time being is unstoppable and no amount of worry will control it either. For now all I can do is just live my life. Running is just my way of feeling like I am fighting back a little bit. It is worth every sore foot and calf to now that at least emotionally I am fighting this even if physically I do not end up winning.
As I ran this morning I imagined myself pushing back the Alzheimer's and it propelled me farther than I have run before. The running feels like my personal battle cry. Each step forward pushes back my worry and helps me feel empowered. I do not run far and I do not run fast, I just run. One foot goes down and another up with the hope in my heart that I can remain whole for my husband and my children. I pray that I will see grandchildren marry and great grandbabies born and that I can enjoy the fruits of my years of mothering. To me that would be more perfect then just being a perfect mom, that would be a perfect life and that is worth running for.
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