Knowing Better

I remember when I was younger, playing games with my friends yelling out “DO OVER”, when the game or activity I was playing did not go as expected. It was always nice knowing I had that cushion or second chance to get it right. I could make a mistake or miss the chance to jump in during jump rope and get a break with those two simple words. Well, we are not kids anymore and when we mess up yelling “DO OVER!” just does not cut it. You don’t follow through or say what needs to be said or even say the wrong thing and you do not get a second chance.

Parenting is one valley where you enter going forward and you stay going forward. There is no backing up to unsay the hurtful comment or support when you did not support the first time. Those moments do not get second chances. As children we may not realize when the moment happens, but as we get older we become wiser and the hurt cuts us like a knife. Quickly and unexpectedly we realize when we were let down by our parents and no matter how hard they try there is no way to do it over.

Having lost both of my parents in the last few years, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life with them and at times remembering the hurts. I heard a comment recently “If you know better, you do better” and I have taken this as my personal call to arms. I can no longer stand by pointing backwards holding my parents accountable for the things that are lacking in my own parenting when I know full well what I need to change and choose to do nothing about it. I know better and I must do better.

My job as a parent has already started to change, with one daughter grown and on her own, one in college and the other with one year of high school left, I am running out of time to make changes in my parenting, but there are days still when I do know better, but just cannot stop myself from saying or doing things that I cannot take back. The one thing that I know for sure is that no matter what, all of my chastising, critiquing, advice and “input” comes out of my love and concern for my children’s well being.

I realize now that although I cannot “DO OVER” what I have already done, I can pay attention and get it right the next time. I also realize that parenting is not a game. Parenting is a never ending string of misses and mistakes that we work on cleaning up every day. There is no perfect parent or family or person, we all just muddle through with whatever gifts we were given and hope it is enough to give our own children what they need to have a good life.

Today I am releasing the hurts from my parents; there is no need to hang on to those burdens. I now know that they did the best they could with what they knew. They showed there love in their own way and now that they are gone, I can step away from my expectations of them and realize that they needed my love as much as I needed theirs. I also know that by doing just a little bit better, my children will not have to work so hard to know they are loved and cared for. There may be days when my children carry hurt that I dealt them and there is no way to take that back or do it over and I won’t get a second chance, but I plan to walk away knowing better.