The Argument

Yesterday my oldest daughter and I had an argument. The initial argument might have seemed silly and unnecessary but what the argument turned into was something quite different and I am struggling to understand what happened and come to terms with what my expectations are compared to her expectations. Realistically no one wins an argument, they are usually painful and difficult unless they are done correctly and I am certain that no one knows the skill of correct arguing.

Mainly arguing comes down to feelings, your feelings versus the feelings of the other person and how badly one or the other wants to make their point. The process of arguing can be difficult when there are hurt feelings that are deep down and during the pressure of the argument they come gushing out and spew poison into an already toxic situation. At this point no one "wins" and the situation spirals out of control.

Yesterday feelings were hurt and no one won. It is all well and good to stand around pointing fingers and blaming each other for things that have been done, but unless everyone is committed to healing and moving past the pressure point, things will never be different. Blaming and carrying hurt are not healing and looking for a fall guy only compounds the problem. Standing in the mix fighting it out, hearing what the other person's pain is and why it is there, is to me a much healthier alternative to ignoring the problems and trying not to argue. I do not believe in avoiding a problem, it is like walking through a Fun House, things just get more awkward and distorted.

There is no going back now, once the gauntlet goes down the battle is waged and everyone pays a price…EVERYONE. If at any point you have walked away thinking you "showed them" or "they had that coming" you are wrong. Each person walks away hurt and sad, there is nothing to show in an argument but the truth and the only thing you might have coming at the end is a big hug if things go well and healing occurs.

There were no winners here yesterday. We both behaved badly and wounds were ripped open. I know from the past that avoiding confrontation only increases the likelihood of confrontation later down the line, but I wish that things had gone differently. I am not sure if I will ever be able to express my feelings and expectations adequately to my daughter and I am certain that she feels the same about me, however I am not going to stop trying regardless of how painful and difficult it is.