False Guilt

Guilt has wormed its way into my brain and I cannot get it out. I have done nothing wrong and should be nowhere near guilt, but because I feel badly about a situation I have no control over, I am sucking down guilt and allowing it to take over my brain…I am on a guilt binge.

What is it that makes me decide to feel guilty about things that I cannot change? I have seen murderers have less guilt and remorse then I have. There is no changing what is happening and I know that, so why do I think beating myself up and trying to assuage my guilt by falling all over myself to make things right, ( that were never wrong) will help anybody?

Guilt is a great tool if used correctly. You have done something wrong, your brain calls you on it, points it out to you and you reign yourself in. That is assuming of course that whatever it is actually is guilt worthy and not false quilt. False guilt is the guilt we heap on ourselves when we feel badly about something that has happened and we convince ourselves that we are bad people even though we are not in the wrong. This false guilt might even make you feel worse than real guilt because you get to be the boss of it by increasing the actual amount of guilt required.

I know right now I am living with false guilt and I can tell you it is miserable. I can be merrily going about my business and BAM, my guilt brain worm slides through and reminds me that I should not be merry, I should be guilty. I then go through several layers of guilt evaluation in my head to remind myself why I am guilty…even though I should not be. Agh, it's a big nasty mess in my head these days!

I would give anything to set myself free of this feeling. I will be honest here it is like being stuck in a vice. The pressure I am putting on myself is not fair and there is nothing I can change. Every piece of what is happening was decided and put in motion by others and I am literally the monkey in the middle. So again, why the guilt? Because that is what women do, we beat ourselves up for things we cannot make right. Women are the planners and the fixers and when we cannot plan our way out or fix something we crush ourselves with guilt as penance. It is a hefty price to pay.

This quilt binge must come to an end. I do not deserve this and I know better. Actually I think that is part of my quilt too, I feel guilty about what I cannot control and I feel even worse because I feel guilty…GREAT, double guilt, it just gets better and better. See what happens when you allow your mind to take over? G.U.I.L.T that's what happens.