Judgment

This weekend was a whirlwind. Between the three shows my girls preformed in, the planning of the cast party and setting up and cleaning up the cast party everyone here was on the move. On Saturday, Mark and I ended up going to a Rembrandt Jesus exhibit at our local Art Museum with some friends. There was my lifelong friend and her boyfriend, another couple that we had me a couple times before and then three couples that my girlfriend was friends with that we had never met. This extra item on our agenda added another rung of busy to our weekend, but we were looking forward to it, so we went.

I was concerned about inserting myself into my friends group of friends. I did not want to embarrass her or at best say something I shouldn't, which is common for me. I was also not sure if I would fit in with this group of people so it felt a little like I felt in middle school when I was the new kid. At first everyone kind of kept to themselves. No one really mingled with Mark and I and we made no real attempt to mingle back. We did not want to be "those people" that show up and act like they have been part of the group all along. That would be awkward and the others in the group would have scattered trying to get away from an uncomfortable situation.

As I watched the other couples interacting, I started making up stories in my head about what they were like. I had it all figured out how they were and had decided that we were not going to fit in, I thought things like "Look at her, she is not even looking at me" Why do they keep to themselves?" "I know they do not like me, they should give me a chance!" By the time the subject of dinner came up, I was starving and I had decided to suck it up and go eat with everyone. First of all we were driving my friend and her boyfriend, second of all I had to eat so the meal had to happen, like it or not.

Once we were all seated I started to chat with the couple across from us. The wife is someone I judged as mean and had pretty much written her off. Well, big shock, I was wrong she was very nice and engaging, telling stories and asking us questions. Her husband was the same and in no time we became comfortable chatting with them. As the meal went on we talked with everyone more and my guard went down. My judgment glasses came off and I started to relax. By the end of the meal I felt like a complete idiot for being so immature.

I know that I am an adult, but there are times when the little girl that felt like she did not fit in comes out. I never know when she might stop by to visit. Most times I think she is safely tucked away and out of my life, but every so often she shows up unexpectedly and I find that she is judgmental, immature and awkward. I think we all probably have an alter ego that pokes into our adulthood sometimes. It is never a good time and it completely messes with your mind. You find yourself spiraling down the rabbit hole to your childhood and you cannot stop yourself.

I am relieved that I was wrong about these friends of my friend. I learned a tough lesson about judgment and I also learned that the little girl in me needs to move on. I am pretty sure I can handle things from here. If someone is mean or hurtful, I need to let that be their problem. I am a big girl and I need to know that by judging someone else I am only lowering myself and that is not the person I want to be.