Forgiving and Forgetting

This last week the topic of forgiveness has been coming up a lot. For me it was first brought up at our church last weekend. Here is what I learned there…forgiving is what you do for you not the other person and to be forgiven, you must also be forgiving. Suddenly forgiveness mantras and conversations were coming up everywhere.

On a website that I have become addicted to PINTEREST I came across this Mantra that hit home with me:

We forgive others not because they deserve it,

But because we need peace.

My journey of forgiveness began in 2009 when my Dad shared with me that he was seeing another woman. My Mom was in a home for ailing women, suffering from Alzheimer's disease and my Dad felt that it was time to move on and date the woman that had cared for my Mom in their home. Not long after the announcement my Dad made to me, my Mom died and from there things went rapidly downhill, each poor decision by my Dad, put another crack in my heart until my heart finally broke with his announcement that he was breaking the family trust (put in place by my Mom and Dad) and leaving his portion to his new girlfriend that he married a month later. To add more weight to this anvil of pain, my Dad then died of Cancer four months later.

The day my Dad went into the hospital (where he would die two days later), I had a chance to tell him I loved him on the phone. In my heart I knew that although I did not like his actions and despite our years of an antagonistic relationship, he was family and that counted for something. My love for him was always tainted with me guarding my heart and learning to accept his narcissistic behaviors. I still to this day honor and respect the time that my parents were together and I believe that my Dad was sick in mind and body when he started making the choices that have torn apart our family even more than we already were.

All this brings me to this point; when do I let go of the hurt and sadness and finally rest? Is it possible to forgive and not forget? Is forgiveness really that important? This week, I realized that although I said I forgive my Dad, I was still remembering moment by moment of the pain and hurt. I have decided that remembering the pain is an important part of the forgiving. I have forgiven the action of hurt, but I remember the feeling. I feel that this is important. By remembering the feeling I can be more understanding towards others in pain and I can also remember that all actions have a reaction that affects someone, good and bad.

I am human and my Dad was human as well. His choices and his consequences are his to bear and by forgiving him for his choices, I release myself too. I will not forget, I will constantly be using that pain as my compass and map for my life. However I am free of the yoke of pain and hostility towards my Dad. I can forgive him and still hold him accountable.

There is peace in my heart and a lesson in my memory that will carry me for the rest of my life. I am grateful that I am open enough to let go of the hurt and focus on the healing that forgiving offers. I am also grateful that I can remember the pain and be able to share this story. There is quite possibly someone in your own life about to make a choice or decision that will require you to say "Father forgive them, they know not what they do". That ability to accept the pain and release the hurt is a lesson taught thousands of years ago and sometimes it takes a tap on the shoulder from an unexpected place to remind us how important forgiving really is.