Home Alone Too (Or Why Women Lie)

My recent alone time has been a real shock to my system. I have realized a few things about myself and all it took was a little solitary confinement. It is amazing how you long for things to happen and when they finally present themselves in your life, you are dumbfounded at how it either was nothing like you had hoped or expected and (or) you do not want whatever it is after all.

So here is my revelation written out loud. I do not like being alone and focusing on myself. I blabber on and on about how I would like to focus on myself, but the truth is I really do not know how. In the words of Lady Gaga, I think I was "Born This Way". Women are taught, or maybe they are born to be caregivers. We are by nature nurturing and loving. The problem is the buck does not stop here with me, it travels right past me and heads to whatever target is in need. Left for too long alone, a woman will find a target for her gifts of love and nurturing. If the love and nurture dry spell lasts too long, we end up making some really bad choices for target practice, just so that we can relieve our stress brought on by a buildup of our own emotional need.

 Here is a typical conversation between women.
Woman A     "Hi (insert name here), How are you?"
Woman B    "I'm great, how are you?"
Woman A     "I'm good"

 Now at this point the pressure is building for each of these women as they search their brain for the latest and greatest info about their families. They do not think to compile a list of their latest and greatest moments, because as woman we think that we have nothing to offer of worth about ourselves. We are so focused on our families that we forget that what is happening to us has value too.

Some things to note;

 Woman A is not "good", she is depressed and feeling overwhelmed by her family's schedule. She is afraid to speak up and ask for help or even ask if any of her friends are feeling that way, because she does not want to expose herself as the weakest link.

 Woman B is nowhere near great. She has trained herself to fake it. Her thought is "No one cares about what I feel". She is also thinking if she just answers with a quick and friendly greeting she can get away before she accidentally starts spilling her guts and scares the other woman off.

 This fear of "spilling" is a fear of mine, because I tend to "spill" very easily. I am more of a pressure cooker and I blow when things build up inside me. I am also not that great at faking it since I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I will generally make a "new" friend in the ladies room or grocery store or any random place where I can chat with someone that does not know me. I will commiserate over anything with anybody that I do not know. My family thinks that it is very funny that most times I trot out of the ladies room waving good-bye to a new found friend. My family has no idea that I have just released some pressure from my internal lie factory. A little commiserating with a stranger (that's the important part, since they can never really be your friend…they now know too much) helps take the head off your emotional pimple before you erupt.

 Being alone for less than 24 hours I realized that my caring ways are great for my family, but they are killing me. I have to do something for me. I need to find a part-time job, take a class or write a book, something to pour out some of me and lavish it on myself or something other than just my family. I know I am not alone, but I have not been in a ladies room recently where I have made eye contact long enough to make a "friend" and find out what she feels. Regardless I know now that I have more to offer than what I give my family and I am only hurting me by pretending that this is enough.

Being alone was not at all what I had expected, yet I believe it was the window that God has propped open and he is waiting for me to climb through. I love my life, I love my family, but I need to love me too. How I am going to love myself and when I am going to love myself is the question right now. Perhaps if I run into you at the grocery store or random ladies room we can chat and you can offer me your suggestions.