Day 336 The Perfect Mom Project

This morning Mark and I got up and went for a run. I am working on building my stamina so that I can run in a local 5K race in about six weeks. It feels good to have a goal and work towards it. It also feels good to be able to share this with Mark. I realize that as the girls need me less I will have more time with Mark and I am looking forward to it. Mark and I talked yesterday about possible turns our life might take in the next few years. I want more than anything to be open to the possibilities. We have spent all these years raising children and building our lives around them, and now it is time to slowly start thinking about ourselves. It is a weird feeling, I almost feel selfish.

 Today Aly has a babysitting job and she has asked to drive herself. I am happy and sad all in one. I have this vision in my mind of reaching for Aly and her slipping away. I am running out of time to plant seeds. Realistically anything I could teach my girls they probably already know, but I suddenly feel like I am running out of time. I am in a hurry to do my last bit of parenting to perfection and also discover who I am and be something other than the lump I feel I am. This hysteria has me spinning in my mind all the time. Parent…parent…parent/be something…be somebody…be of value…hurry! This is no way to approach any of this and I know that, but let's face it, I am no spring chicken and if I want to make even the slightest dent in my kids or myself time is limited.

 I wish I had the self confidence to just step out into whatever it is I should be, but I do not, I always limit myself. I do not think I am very smart and I really do not seem able to decide what I will do or be. I am the best at being a Mom and somehow right now it feels like enough. I love writing, but I write for me and I find it difficult to think that my writing would be good enough to be published. I am certain that I do not have a Harry Potter or Twilight novel in me so any dreams of writing success will not come from that avenue. Sadly, I must pour all of these feelings out in order to sort them out, so right now I hope you will excuse this self pity.

 For now, I will run. I will run until I am ready for the 5K race and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I get myself together. My kids still need me, my husband loves me and needs me, so I am not a total loser, but the search is on for "the me I was meant to be." Isn't it interesting that just 11 months ago my goal was to be the perfect mom and now it is evolving into how to be the perfect me? Is there a blog in that? Hmmmnn, I wonder…