Day 326 The Perfect Mom Project

I just finished reading an intense book. It was called A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley. One of the very last sentences has had me tossing and turning and thinking all night long "Rose left me a riddle I haven't solved, of how we judge those who have hurt us when they have shown no remorse or even understanding." This sentence puts into words the feelings I have had for months. I have gone from loving and hating and back again with both my Dad and my Aunt, and even sometimes my Mom. More because I have not understood their choices or behavior along with trying to maintain a relationship based on the fact that we were/are family.

I know I have a strong determined personality, I am not known for being a quiet long suffering person and I do not usually take a lot of crap (for lack of a better word) from most people. But there are some people that for one reason or another I roll over to make the crap heaping easier. Why is that? How can I stand there and tell my girls that they have to change and they should not expect anyone else to change when I am busy lying around in crap. Why is it that I will bite my tongue and try to "be the better man" when it hurts me or affects me to the point of detriment? Am I trying to be nice? Do I think that the crap heapers will suddenly care about me when they see how hurt I am? This book rubbed open wounds I had hoped were going to heal and it has me thinking about the people that have caused the hurt.

I have never intentionally hurt someone. I have said and done some pretty stupid things that have hurt people, but I never set out with hurt on my mind looking for a way to damage someone else, and now I am faced with two glaring examples to understand and figure out. The first one is my Aunt who somewhere along the line learned that by giving and taking away physical items as well as love and respect she could control everyone around her, and if I am being honest I have to admit that my Grandmother my Aunts sister was the very same way. The second one was my Dad, Glenn who attempted to control my sisters and me with hostility, money and once again giving and taking away his love depending on whether or not we were behaving. It is an old story, my family is not unique, but regardless it still hurts.

So, the riddle is not only there for this books character to solve, it is a riddle I am working on as well. With no remorse or understanding you are left with wondering if these people ever really cared about you at all. Perhaps you were the puppet that they controlled or even worse that they wanted to hurt or even destroy for their own gain. I will never know for sure. The one thing that has become clearer is that I am very aware of me and my life and how I can be with others so that they know that hurting, controlling and narcissism is not part of who I am. I am just a bumbling idiot sometimes with no other purpose then to get out my frustrations, sometimes on people I love and care about. There is no other hidden agenda. I thank Jane Smiley for walking me through this books journey. It was truly an awakening adventure.