Day 320 The Perfect Mom Project

I was pumped and ready to have fun with my kids yesterday, but no one was cooperating. Avery was slogging away at her room at a snail's pace and Aly was busy working on her summer reading for her English class. All good things that I did not want to interrupt, so I decided to join in the fun and clean my front hall closet. This is the closet that Ashleigh opened when she was visiting a couple weeks ago (during the unpacking of the 18 boxes) and announced "Mom! Oh my God! This is horrible!" I am sure after seeing the giant mess in that closet; she panicked thinking that she might find more boxes stuffed downstairs someday. As I cleaned it out yesterday, I realized that it was piled full of over a year's worth of papers and junk. It was as though from the moment I got the call that my Mom was dying I just quit keeping my life together.

Honestly, that is how it has felt. At the time my Dad had called about my Mom I got the one/two punch that he was also dating someone and I pretty much just went into save mode. I was trying to do anything I could not to crack open. I had this vision of my splitting in two and all of these tiny pieces of me running out and getting away. I just had no energy for anything extra. I did my normal maintenance cleaning around the house, but I just could not bring myself to do the real up keep stuff. In the last few weeks since the unpacking of the boxes, I have found myself working on the extra up keep stuff. Pulling out things from the wall and cleaning behind them. Going after cobwebs on the ceilings and in the corners and even throwing out a few things here and there. Honestly, some of the cleaning feels quite freeing.I can tell that I am healing, but it is a slow process. As we work our way through the legal maze that has unwound around us, my sisters and I continue to be surprised and shocked at the lack of preparation and also the scope of what we think was/is deception. Part of the healing process is the knowledge that we are coming to the end of what has been a painful and long journey for all of us.

My biggest commitment is to my Mom. I am determined to see that her wishes are carried out, even though my Dad did not honor his end of the deal. I know that this is the right thing to do. So the thought comes to me that perhaps in cleaning out my closets, I am cleaning out my brain. I would still like to have some fun with my girls, but maybe today I will let things play out on their own and I will get more done around my house. Sounds like another win/win day here at the ranch!